Trader Joe's Moroccan Style Mint Tea

Pittsburgh: home of many great innovations. Jeeps. Implantable defibrillators. Alright, about to drop a big one: Polio vaccine. WHOOMP. I'm pretty sure that's exactly what Jonas Salk exclaimed right when he whipped that up at a University of Pittsburgh lab back in the '50s.

But there's another one, which I'm sure you've taken for granted, that if you have small kids and a kitchen/housecleaner supply you're almost sure to have, but have taken for granted. Failing that, you almost assuredly recognize it from your youth: the Mr. Yuk sticker. Alerting kids all over the nation about stuff you shouldn't drink/ingest since the 1970s.

At this point, with that build up, you're probably bracing for a blistering review of Trader Joe's Moroccan Style Mint Tea. Truth be told, after first sip, I was so so tempted to go there. I almost dug out a Mr Yuk from the depths of the sticker drawer just to place on the bottle for a photo op...

...but then I kept drinking it. First it was under the guise of "trying to understand the flavor." It's, well, somewhat foreign to my palette. This kettle-brewed concoction has a green tea base, with a little mint blended in, with an odd twist of citrusy lime. And, in a spirit of restraint I suppose, there's not a lot of extra sweetness, so it's all in this subdued, mellow blend, with each element seemingly in competition to be the least offensive.

Upon first sip, the tea tastes all discombobulated and not cohesive, without any dominat flavor taking the reins of tying the beverage all together. It's just too mellow, but without the potential "refreshing after mowing the lawn" vibe I desire out of a summery themed drink. But it began coming together a little more each sip, especially on a longer draw.

All that to say, the Moroccan mint tea remains a likely candidate for return. I like the idea behind this brew, but the execution is just a little too off. I can't see myself happily drinking a whole bottle anytime soon, especially when there's a plethora of other tasty drinks at TJ's right in the 3 dollar range. And Sandy? No, not at all. She outright deplores this, which is odd, because usually mint teas are right up her alley. "I think it's because of the lime," she said. "It throws it all off." I can buy that argument. Anyways, for the first time I can recall, she's going with a flat-out ZERO here. Wow. Zero. Nil. Nada. Mr Yuk. I'm going to compensate somewhat with my score, because I do not wish to condemn the tea to the realm of blahhh, so I'll give it a 2.5.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Moroccan Style Mint Tea: 2.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Organic Chia Bar

Compacted trash? LOL. I can see where Marvo is coming from, but I don't think these look that bad. They're just a bunch of smooshed-together ingredients, crushed into a bar shape, similar to the fruit + fruit bars we've seen in the past—except these have lots of seeds and nuts, not just fruits.

Texture-wise, they're exactly what you'd expect: a granola-esque, chewy vibe, with a little extra grittiness from the chia seeds. They're not tough in any way, but neither are they smooth. The dried fruit serves as a virtual "glue" binding the other ingredients together with its natural stickiness. I mean, I guess the organic syrups help in that department, too. There's plenty of sticky stuff holding these bars together—they're definitely not going to fall apart in your hands, yet they're not super sticky to the touch, either. All in all, they feel pretty pleasant, particularly if you're into granola bars.

And they're shockingly tasty. I'm still not even sure where all that flavor's coming from. There are a lot of "healthy" sugars and sweeteners in there: organic brown rice syrup, organic agave syrup, and organic cane sugar. For someone with a sweet tooth like me, these bars hit the spot pretty well, despite having a bunch of hippie ingredients tossed into the mix. And don't get me wrong, I like most hippie ingredients just fine, but coming from a generation that grew up thinking of chia as nothing more than the "fur" on a weird, ceramic animal you'd put in your kitchen windowsill, it's still a bit strange to be eating snacks with chia seeds as the main attraction. But interestingly enough, the chia pet people have joined the club and are now marketing chia as something healthy to eat, as well as the head of spiky green hair on a ceramic SpongeBob SquarePants.

My main complaint about these is that they're a little on the small side. Granted, they're extraordinarily filling for their size, but I still wouldn't have minded a bit more material per bar. Four stars from me. Four from Sonia, who thinks that the texture is a little weird, but loved the flavor so much, she almost went with four and a half.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Sriracha Tuna Salad

After being traumatized by seeing an open jar of Bacon Jam and Sid Crosby's face in the same blog post on Wednesday, I decided to give myself a day off to recover. 

During my down time, I finished up our Sriracha Tuna Salad. It's not exactly comfort food, but tuna salad is nice and familiar, plus there's a bit of that international flair I love—in the form of tasty, Thai-inspired sriracha sauce. Although, both Sonia and I don't think it tasted a whole lot like sriracha. I mean, we could tell there was a tangy hot sauce up in the mix, but somehow it tasted a little different than the sriracha we've come to know and love.

And of course, there's mayo and some chopped up veggies. The whole thing was a tad on the liquidy side if you ask me, but it was still passably crunchy and full of good-quality tuna fish. And just as I expected, there was only a hint of heat—Sonia and I were both pining for more. We would have added some extra sriracha of our own, but we were fresh out. At 8 oz, the package is slightly less than the size of two cans of tuna. With a price point of $3.99 per tub, it's not outrageous, but we'll probably opt to make our own tuna salad and add our own customized amount of sriracha in the future, rather than make this a repeat purchase. Double threes here.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.
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(Nate's Notes: We would have had a brand new podcast episode up for you today, but I apparently blundered the mic settings during recording, thus rendering it unusable. So apologies to anyone who was looking forward to that. We'll hopefully have a new episode up in a week or so.)

Trader Joe's Uncured Bacon Jam

Meringue and hockey? That sounds soo...I don't know...sophisticated and international and all. That might be Nathan and Sonia, but that's not me at all. Meringue pies are okay and all, as is hockey...but they just don't get me going. I'll take their word that the lemon tart is as good as advertised, and you two enjoy your hockey, though them being Capitals fans, and me in Pittsburgh, I just have to ask those Ovechkin lovers a little question.

Here, in the city of Andrew McCutchen's sweet swing, Gregory Polanco's galloping strides, and the questionable locks of John Jaso...we're bacon people. Bacon and baseball. 'Murica. Land of the free and home of the brave (and heck with you, Braves fans).

Since its debut about a week or so ago, Trader Joe's Uncured Bacon Jam is getting pretty Internet famous. I've seen the buzz at fever pitch on a lot of different social media pages all proclaiming love for these porky preserves, and as a bacon addict service to you all, I knew I had to try it for myself.

I'll admit, the visual introduction is kinda, well...take a look. It's bacon in spreadable form - what else can be expected? Good thing it can be easily concealed inside, say, a grilled cheese with smoked gouda, which is exactly how Sandy and I partook for the first time.

Imagine really good pulled pork. That's approximately how this jar o' jam tastes. Except..it's bacony bits instead of porky strands. The bacon chunks don't terribly stand out and instead get a little lost in the sauce, which is my only minor complaint. If I'm eating bacon, I want to know it's there. So, in short, it's heavy on the barbecue sauce aspects, which makes a nice change-up from other bacon jams I've had which were heavy on the bacon flavor. There's some tang and a small smidge of inoffensive heat, with a little smoke...and "vegetarian flavor."

Yes. You read that right. There's "vegetarian flavor" in this here bacon jam. I really have no idea what that means - I mean, like, flavored with/by vegetarians? Were the pigs fed an all-veggie diet? What if one of them ate a bug? Are there...*gasp*....vegetables  potentially diluting my perfectly good bacon?

Silliness aside, this made our grilled cheeses an extra-delish lunch, and I'd imagine this pairing well on a burger, or with chicken, or in other sandwiches...but not a PB&J. Sandy and I, umm, tried that as a joke, and it wasn't too great then.

It's $4.49 for the jar, so if this seems like it might be your kinda thing, trust me, it is. It's bacon. God bless America.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Uncured Bacon Jam: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Jacques' Lemon Meringue Tarte

To me, few things in life are as exciting as the start of the NHL playoffs. (Go Caps!) But new lemon-flavored TJ's products just might be on that short list—because the store has an excellent track record in that department. And as is the case with professional ice hockey, you're bound to run into a French name or two in the world of TJ's fine desserts. Bonjour, Jacques!

There's a layer of sweet and sour lemony goodness right at the heart of this pastry. It's tart and tangy and has pretty much everything lemonophiles are looking for. The crust is buttery and thin and adds a bit of firmness to the otherwise airy dessert. It's so good, if anything, I wish there were more of it.

In the past, Sonia has complained about meringue getting in the way of her enjoyment of similar pies and tartes on the basis that it's "too eggy." Not here. The meringue is a very neutral, lightly-sweet whipped topping—the literal icing on the cake...er, pie...er, tarte. Also, it's lightly toasted around the edges, as seen in the photo to the right.

Sonia also raved about the presentation of this product, pointing out the perfect little peaks of meringue all evenly-spaced on the top of the pie. Although, in our box, about a third of the meringue came off of the pie and stuck to the plastic lid when we removed it. It was simple enough to scrape it off and re-apply it to the tarte, but still should be noted in case you're buying this for the dessert table at some uber-formal event or something.

All in all, this is another lemony win for TJ's. It's definitely something Sonia and I could see ourselves purchasing again. $5.49 for four servings. Not super cheap, but worth it. Four and a half stars from Sonia, four from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Cranberry Coconut Snacking Crackers

 Much like hockey, reggae, and amateur competitive facial hair cultivation, there's a lot that I *want* to like about Trader Joe's Cranberry Coconut Snacking Crackers....but I just can't. Sorry.

It's probably unfair, but the wheat snack crackers I compare all others to are Wheat thins - light, crispy, irresistibly munchy. That's kinda the standard. Well, these wheaty wafers are wanting in comparison. They're much denser, and heavier, without that nice requisite crunch, and they somehow dry up the entire inside of my digestive system. Literally, after just three or few, I'm coughing up crumbs everywhere.

 

These crackers do taste somewhat okay, though. Aside from the textural shortcomings, there's nothing all that wrong with the actual cracker itself. I can see but not taste the coconut flakes, mostly because it's too subtle a flavor compared to the wheaty base, the raisins and cranberries (nothing much to say about them)...or the sesame seeds. Umm, who invited those to the party? While not completely unwelcome, it's an odd add-on to say the least.

 I think it says something that in a household of three carb-crazed adults and two kiddos who will happily devour anything that can reasonably be called a "cracker" that we still have over half the modest sized  bag of them remaining after a few weeks now. I think there's potential - I bet a good piece of chevre could put in quite the assist - but neither Sandy nor I particularly enjoy them. We'd love to, but it just ain't there. Matching twos.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's  Cranberry Coconut Snacking Crackers: 4 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Cacao Nibs

Chocolate nerds.

That's a good way to describe these. But they're not sweet milk chocolate nerds. They're rich and dark. From the moment you open the bag, there's a heavy dark chocolatey, almost coffee-esque aroma that hits you. And they taste like that, too.

Sonia likes their crunchiness and is eager to try them in baked goods. She thinks they'd make a great additive to pancakes or muffins. I totally agree. They'd also make an excellent ice cream topping. I think they'd be perfect for making plain vanilla a little more exciting, but you chocoholics might want to try the whole chocolate on chocolate thing.

They're also good just straight out of the bag—maybe for a nice little shot of caffeine and sugar to top off your lunch. Resealable bag, $1.99. Many of you know I'm not really a dark chocolate guy, but I'll easily muster three and a half stars for this little novelty. Sonia will throw out four this time.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Seafood Paella

Sonia has a few quirky allergies that come and go mysteriously. One is to mushrooms. Although, that particular sensitivity didn't apply when it came to the Portobello Mushroom Fries. Another one of her fun "come and go" allergies involves certain kinds of shellfish. Maybe. We've figured out she's okay with crab and lobster. But she usually plays it safe with things like clams, oysters, and scallops...except when my dad orders the fried oysters and she takes a couple bites. Maybe she's grown out of the allergy and maybe she's not as sensitive when the food is prepared a certain way. Who knows? But it took some convincing to get her to try this paella. She finally agreed, but only on the condition that I take all the mussels out of her portion.

That was just fine by me, because I really liked these mussels. They came out nice and soft, but not too chewy. The "calamares" were by far the chewiest ingredient in our bag. I've had squid before that was not this chewy, but really, it wasn't horrendous—just a tad more rubbery than I would have preferred. The rest of the textures were wonderful and blended together seamlessly.

South Jersey is full of fresh seafood, but I haven't seen many places around here that offer any kind of paella. In fact, the only other time in my life that I've had proper paella was in Spain. There was a quaint sidewalk cafe in Madrid where I tried this "national dish" of España. It was a while back, but honestly, I remember not being impressed. It was much soupier than Trader Joe's offering, the vegetables were stringy, and I felt it lacked flavor. They might have given me a bad batch on purpose, though. They didn't seem fond of non-Spanish speakers there. <Sigh.> Six and a half years into a marriage to someone whose first language is Spanish, and I'm still trying to learn it.

But back to the paella. It's good. It's complex, flavorful, and not-at-all-fishy. Seafoody? Yes. Fishy? No. I'm not sure how authentic it is, but I certainly prefer it to the only other paella I've ever had. Ironically, this selection is a "product of France," not Spain, according to the bag. Eh, close enough, I guess. Four stars from me. Three and a half from my better half.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Giotto's Brand Pizza Crust

Pizza night! It's definitely a thing at our house. Probably yours too. Used to order takeout/delivery...but after a while, paying a premium for waiting 45 minutes for someone to deliver a mediocre lukewarm pie when your stomach is growling and kiddos are howling gets old. Time to make your own.

Well, you could go the old TJ's doughball route (not a bad one, we've done it plenty)...or make it even easier and a lot less messy with Trader Giotto's Brand Pizza Crust. This is our new go-to. They're prebaked and ready to top with whatever you fancy, and just a few minutes in the oven - BOOM. Pizza.

Now, there's other premade pizza crusts out there  - but these are the best I've had yet. The outer edges and corners get all crispy and crackery-crunchy while the middles maintain a lot of chewy breadiness. There's that light, pleasant carby flavor that carries through as well, although it doesn't shine through as much with red sauce. Sandy and I have made a white pizza with a little extra olive oil and garlic, with chicken and veggies on it on a few occasions, and the outcome is legitimate restaurant quality for a fraction of the price.

The two pack runs maybe $3 at the most and is definitely worth trying out for your next pizza night. Thumbs up all around our family.

Bottom line: Trader Giotto's Brand Pizza Crust: 9 out of 10 Golden Spoons