Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Covered Crunchy Corn Kernels

I mean, we pretty much assumed these would be like chocolate covered Corn Nuts and that's pretty much what they are. If that sounds good to you, you might like 'em. I thought they'd be kinda weird...and they are.

Not the worst thing I've sampled from TJ's, but not the best either. Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Covered Crunchy Corn Kernels are actually imported from Colombia. The resealable bag will run you about four bucks. There's an interesting balance of bitter, sweet, and salty in terms of the flavor.

Texture-wise, the kernels aren't as hard as I thought they might be. They're brittle and crunchy, and they break apart easily enough without shattering violently. Sonia and I both have sensitive teeth and neither of us were bothered by the mouthfeel at all. The chocolate is smooth and there's a fairly generous coating of it on the outside of each morsel.

For us, it's just something that was interesting to try. Don't think we'd buy this product again but it's not like we're returning the bag for a refund either. Sonia and I both agree we'd try a milk chocolate version if they ever offered one. Seven out of ten stars from the beautiful wifey for Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Covered Crunchy Corn Kernels. I'm down for six and a half.

Bottom line: 6.75 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Rice Pudding

Trader Joe’s Rice Pudding is one of those quietly divisive refrigerated desserts that immediately exposes a cultural split you didn’t know was sitting at the family dinner table. Growing up, nobody I knew was exactly racing toward rice pudding with excitement. It was always kind of the sad cafeteria cousin of real dessert—soft, beige, and emotionally ambiguous. Meanwhile, all the Hispanic kids were over there living their best lives with arroz con leche made by somebody's abuelita, and it tasted like pure joy with a dusting of cinnamon.

This version from Trader Joe’s lands firmly in the “white people rice pudding” category, and I say that with love and a spoon in my hand. It’s very vanilla-forward, very sweet, and noticeably missing that warm cinnamon hug that usually turns rice pudding into something transcendent. The rice itself is plentiful, leaning starchy and chewy in a way that makes you feel like you’re eating something substantial rather than just dessert-ish air. It’s not trying to be fancy, and honestly that’s part of its charm. It’s refrigerated, ready-to-eat, and $2.99 for four cups. So...it's uber-practical, if nothing else.

What’s surprising is that the overall flavor is genuinely solid. It’s sweet without being cloying, creamy without being heavy, and weirdly comforting in a lowkey kind of way. Sonia and her mom, who are both very much team tradicional arroz con leche with cinnamon, raisins, and generational confidence, both absolutely love it, which says a lot. I like it too, but I have to admit it becomes significantly better with a generous sprinkle of cinnamon.

In short, Trader Joe’s Rice Pudding isn't trying to reinvent dessert. It’s just quietly existing, doing its job, and showing up consistently for $2.99. I’d absolutely buy it again. It’s an eight out of ten affair for this guy. The beautiful wifey will give it a very enthusiastic eight and a half.

Bottom line: 8.25 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Wild Alaskan Black Cod Sablefish with Miso Marinade

I like regular cod quite a bit, so why not black cod? Don't think I've ever had that before. Sablefish? I guess that's just another name for the same species. Man, that's one ugly fish.

Fortunately, it tastes way better than it looks. For ten bucks, you get two servings of Alaskan sablefish, complete with a miso marinade. We opted for the "sear and bake" heating method, and our fish turned out great.

The sauce is tangy, salty, and sweet. It blended wonderfully with the flavor of the fish, which is buttery and rich. Never had such flavorful fish without a hint of "fishiness." It's such a clean, neutral flavor—among the highest quality whitefish I've ever had.

Texture-wise, the outer portions of Trader Joe's Black Cod Sablefish were slightly firmer and darker than the inner portions, due to the searing process. The bulk of the fish was soft and delicate. "Buttery" could describe the texture as well as the flavor, honestly. The skin just fell right off the meat, and there were thankfully no bones at all. The dish paired perfectly with rice, although you could also toss it on a salad or serve it with noodles, I suppose.

Our only complaint? For $9.99, there's not nearly enough food to make it a good value. I mean, you get what you pay for, and this is some very delicious fish, but both Sonia and I were pining for more. There's imported stuff at TJ's for a fraction of the cost of this product, and last I checked, Alaska was still part of the good ol' U.S. of A. I guess there's some high demand for these fugly fishies.

Would we buy it again? You betcha. Found in the frozen section, we'll totally buy it again and complain that there's not enough of it again. Maybe we'll try heating it in the air fryer next time. Eight and a half stars from both the beautiful wifey and me for Trader Joe's Wild Alaskan Black Cod Sablefish with Miso Marinade.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Blonde Bar

Trader Joe’s knows exactly what they're doing by parking the Blonde Bar right in the checkout lane where your willpower is already halfway out the door. Priced at $2.69, this Italian import practically whispers “You deserve a little treat,” and into the cart it goes.

Marketed as “caramel flavored white chocolate,” the Blonde Bar immediately raises expectations for creamy decadence. Instead, it delivers a bit of an identity crisis. It looks like white chocolate’s tan cousin, but flavor-wise it’s basically caramel doing a convincing chocolate impression. If you’re a white chocolate fan hoping for that buttery vanilla sweetness, you may find yourself squinting and asking, “Wait, where did the white chocolate go?”

Texture-wise, the bar snaps like standard chocolate, smooth and firm, then melts into a sweet caramel-forward flavor that’s pleasant but not exactly mindblowing. There’s no actual caramel inside, yet it somehow tastes like someone condensed caramel into chocolate form. It’s clever, but also a little confusing.

The cookie crumbles promise extra excitement, but they show up more like background extras than featured performers. They’re small, sparse, and deliver only a faint crunch. They're just enough to tease you into wanting more. If those crumbs were bigger and more plentiful, this bar might have gone from “nice” to “now we’re talking.”

Overall, Trader Joe's Blonde Bar is undeniably sweet and perfectly snackable, especially when you’re already in checkout mode and feeling impulsive. There’s nothing here to complain about: no weird aftertaste, no major texture issues, no regrets. But it also doesn’t quite stick in your memory once the wrapper’s gone. 

It was easy enough for us to finish the bar, but we won't exactly be dreaming about a repurchase. I’m throwing out a respectable seven out of ten, while Sonia will go slightly higher with a seven and a half. Not a must-buy in our opinions, but if it hops into your cart, you won’t be mad about it.

Bottom line: 7.25 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Sliced Porridge Bread

At $4.49 for the loaf, this Canadian import is one of those bakery finds that feels both rustic and slightly mysterious. Sonia and I can both say honestly that we've never had a bread quite like it, and that’s saying something for two people who’ve toasted their way through plenty of carb territory. Trader Joe's Porridge Bread is a distinctive little twist on traditional wheat bread.

Its uncommon texture is what really sets this bread apart. The outside of each slice toasts up like you’d expect: golden, lightly crisp, and structurally sound. But the inside stays soft, tender, and almost porridge-like, with a texture that genuinely reminds you of oatmeal. It’s cozy. It’s comforting. It’s like hot cereal decided to disguise itself as bread.

Flavor-wise, this loaf leans lightly sweet, but not in a sugary, dessert-ish kind of way. It’s more of a subtle, grain-forward sweetness that comes from the blend of wheat, oats, and rye along with subtle hints of honey and brown sugar. The trio of grains gives the bread a wholesome, hearty profile with just enough complexity to make the bread satisfying in and of itself without overwhelming whatever you pair it with.

This bread absolutely shines with simplicity. A warm slice with just butter was one of our favorite ways to enjoy it. The butter melts into that soft interior and turns it into pure comfort food. Sonia especially loved using it for egg sandwiches, where the gentle sweetness and dense yet pillowy texture complemented the savory eggs perfectly.

This isn’t your standard sandwich loaf, and that’s exactly why it’s worth grabbing. If you like experimenting with textures or want a breakfast bread that feels a little different, this is a great choice.

Unique, cozy, and lightly sweet, Trader Joe’s Sliced Porridge Bread is a welcome change of pace. We'd definitely buy it again. Product of Canada. The beautiful wifey will go with eight and a half out of ten stars here. I'm down for eight out of ten.

Bottom line: 8.25 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Beef & Queso Bowl

Let's say, for the sake of argument, you've got $4.49 burning a hole in your pocket and a hunger that only a bowl of vaguely Tex-Mex sustenance can fix. It's within the realm of possibility that you might set your sights on Trader Joe's Beef & Queso Bowl. It's a tempting proposition for the busy or the lazy, promising a palatable lunch at the mere press of a button. I tossed mine into the microwave for five minutes on high and it emerged hot and ready to eat.

The foundation of this single serving bowl is a very healthy portion of Trader Joe’s Spanish Style Rice. If you're a fan of that rice, you're in luck. It's tasty and well-seasoned, just like it is on its own. And I'd say it's the MVP of this nukable noshable.

Accompanying the rice is a surprisingly generous amount of beef. Usually, these frozen bowls treat meat like a rare garnish, but here you actually get enough. The spice level is also decent, offering a nice little kick that keeps things interesting without requiring a fire extinguisher. The overall flavor of this entree is pretty pleasant.

However, the bowl starts to lose its way when it comes to the "queso" part of its name. For a dish that advertises cheese in the title, it was remarkably ungenerous. It felt more like a polite suggestion of cheese rather than a bowl of queso. To make matters worse, the veggies were a little sad. They were just boring, soggy, and lackluster overall.

In the end, while it was a perfectly functional lunch, it didn’t exactly set our world on fire. I give Trader Joe's Beef & Queso Bowl six out of ten stars, while Sonia will be slightly more generous with six and a half out of ten. It's a fine thing to try once if you're curious, but it won’t be winning a permanent spot in our freezer rotation.

Bottom line: 6.25 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Organic Chia Seed

Trader Joe’s Organic Chia Seeds are a reliable, high-quality pantry staple that offers exceptional value for health conscious shoppers. Priced at $4.99 for a 12 oz bag, these seeds are significantly more affordable than many comparable organic options found at other grocery stores. The product features a neutral flavor profile and a consistent texture, making it an easy addition to a wide variety of dishes without altering the intended taste of your recipes.

The chia seeds are packaged in a resealable bag that helps maintain freshness and prevent accidental spills in the kitchen. In terms of culinary applications, these seeds are incredibly versatile. They're a primary ingredient for creating thick, creamy chia pudding and serve as a simple nutritional boost when stirred into morning oatmeal or blended into fruit smoothies. For those who enjoy more elaborate breakfast options, they provide a satisfying crunch as a topping for acai bowls.

In case you're interested, here's Sonia's recipe for surprisingly scrumptious mango chia pudding—even better than Trader Joe's now defunct Mango Chia Pudding.

4 tbsp chia seeds
1/4 cup canned full fat coconut milk
1 tbsp of honey
1 cup of frozen mango
1/2 cup 0% greek yogurt
2 oz of 2% milk
1 tbsp coconut flakes

Blend the milk, yogurt, honey, and mango in blender. Pour in glass container then add the chia and slowly mix in with other ingredients. Chill overnight 8-10 hrs. Top with mango chunks and organic coconut flakes.

Beyond breakfast and snacks, these seeds are an excellent resource for home bakers. They can be used as a direct substitute for poppy seeds in muffins, breads, or lemon themed desserts, adding a similar aesthetic and texture with the added benefits of omega 3s and fiber. They are indeed currently available at Trader Joe's as of the time of the writing of this review, and they tend to be in stock all year round. They've become a go-to item for many shoppers looking for an inexpensive source of the tasty, healthy seeds.

These are a repeat purchase in our house. They deliver on every front, from the ease of storage to their multipurpose nature in the kitchen. Whether you're focused on meal prepping or just looking for a simple way to elevate your favorite snacks, this product is a cost effective choice that holds up against more expensive brands. I'll let the beautiful wifey score this one solo.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Onion Flowers

Finally, you can get a Bloomin' Onion from somewhere other than Outback. Trader Joe’s has decided to take a stab at this classic appetizer with their new Onion Flowers. Imported all the way from Thailand, these frozen apps aim for those same crispy petals, but the results are kind of a mixed bag. At $5.49 for a box of two, the price point is definitely more affordable than any sit-down restaurant bill. Sonia and I gave these a spin using both the air fryer and the oven to see if they could live up to the hype.

The actual flavor of these onions is fantastic, featuring pristine, sweet white onions wrapped in a light, tempura-esque batter that happens to be entirely vegan. However, the execution leaves a little to be desired. No matter how we baked it or fried it, the middle just would not cooperate. We tried the air fryer for one and the oven for the other, and both times the center remained stubbornly underdone and raw-ish. The batter also felt a bit stingy, especially near the core, and the final presentation fell quite short of the bar set by the restaurant version. If you're looking to impress guests, these might look more like wilted weeds than blooming flowers.

Trader Joe’s also committed the ultimate appetizer sin by failing to include a dipping sauce, despite showing one on the cover art. To save the day, I whipped up a custom recipe modified from something I got on ChatGPT, that honestly carried the whole experience:

Of course, I had to shrink the measurements down a good bit since I was only making enough for two people. Also note that if you don't have those exact ingredients, Google Gemini or ChatGPT will gladly help you alter the recipe based on what you do have on hand at the moment. AI may be coming for all of our jobs, and maybe eventually our souls, but I'll be darned if they aren't helpful in the kitchen. This sauce was delicious, creamy, and spicy and it worked perfectly with the sweet onion petals.

In the end, these aren't going to replace the theatricality of a freshly fried restaurant appetizer, and they definitely lack the structural integrity of their famous ancestor, but they're a solid choice for onion fiends like us who don't mind a little rustic presentation and a slightly mushy center, making them a fun, flavorful snack for a casual night in. Sonia and I are both in agreement on the final score, giving the Trader Joe’s Onion Flowers seven and a half stars. They're worth a try for the flavor alone, provided you have the right sauce to back them up.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's 1000 Day Gouda Cheese

Trader Joe’s 1000 Day Gouda Cheese practically screams “build a charcuterie board around me,” and that’s exactly what we did. At $13 per pound, our wedge came out to $6.24. Not cheap, but still very reasonable for a cheese aged nearly three years and imported from the Netherlands. Right away, this gouda delivers on its promise: it’s unmistakably caramel-sweet with a deep, nutty richness that makes it feel more like a special occasion cheese than an everyday slice. The texture is firm, waxy, and crumbly, with neat crunchy granules scattered throughout. Just a heads-up: don’t eat the rind. It’s tough and not meant to be part of the experience.

We featured this on a simple charcuterie board in our video review, and it paired beautifully with several items. Walnuts were a standout, adding earthy crunch that complemented the caramel sweetness perfectly. Turkey salami also worked really well, bringing a savory contrast without overpowering the cheese. My favorite pairing, though, was Trader Joe’s Original Savory Thin Crackers made with rice. The light, crisp texture let the gouda shine and made each bite super balanced.

Sonia enjoyed pairing it with fruit like raspberries and dates, which leaned even further into the sweet side. That combo didn’t quite do it for me, but taste is subjective. Green olives were interesting. I didn’t love them in the same bite as the gouda, but alternating between the salty olives and the sweet cheese actually worked really well.

Overall, this is a flavorful, unique aged gouda that’s perfect for entertaining or elevating a snack spread. Sonia gives Trader Joe’s 1000 Day Gouda eight out of ten stars. I guess I'll go with seven and a half. If you enjoy sweet, nutty, crystal-laden cheeses, this one is worth trying, especially as the star of a simple charcuterie board.

Bottom line: 7.75 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Crew Member Cologne Collection

If you're anything like me, you find the olfactory landscape of a Trader Joe's to be comforting, soothing...transcendent even. And today's your lucky day. Forget all that fancy stuff with vanilla notes and jasmine. TJ’s has launched its debut fragrance line: the Crew Member Collection.

This isn't just perfume. It's a sensory activation. There are three signature scents, and yes, they come packaged in miniature, wax-coated cardboard boxes. Each one retails for only $9.99 and comes with a certificate of authenticity printed with its unique batch number.

Here’s my honest review:

1. Frozen Aisle & Cedar (the blue box) This one smells like existential dread and fresh produce. It opens with an aggressive burst of crisp, cold ozone—like when you reach into the display freezer to grab some hashbrowns—and mellows into a surprisingly grounded scent of damp cardboard. It smells exactly like the back stockroom on delivery day. Bottom line: 9 out of 10. (If you like smelling like crisp efficiency).

2. Aisle 4 Eucalyptus & Spice (the green box) This scent is a rollercoaster. The top note is undeniable: a chaotic blend of Everything But the Bagel Seasoning, chai, and cedarwood. It’s warm, garlic-heavy, and slightly abrasive. It dries down to a faint hint of eucalyptus that I’m convinced Sonia sprayed by the registers to keep the line calm. Bottom line: 7 out of 10. (You will smell savory).

3. Eau de Hibiscus Tote (the pink box) This is the breakout star. It smells like sweet, tart hibiscus but with a complex "aged cotton" finish. They captured the exact scent of a canvas tote bag that has been sitting in a hot trunk for two weeks. It's nostalgic, slightly fruity, and very aggressively branded. Bottom line: 10 out of 10. (Sonia stole my bottle immediately).

All three fragrances are unisex and cruelty free. The ingredients lists are...fascinating. Sonia would definitely pick up the hibiscus flavor or the frozen aisle one for a repeat buy. We're still on the fence about Aisle 4. Apparently, they used actual spiced chai oil, and I do have to warn you: these colognes do not wash off. You are a crew member now. Forever. Happy shopping!