Trader Joe's Salted Caramel Swirl Danish

They say you are what you eat. And you don't get a nice doughy physique like mine by eating a low-carb diet, that's for sure. I'm a certified breadhead. A carbivore. A lover of pastries and baked goods. It's a good thing I'm not skilled at baking or I'd weigh like 400 pounds.

That said, I might go easy on a product just because it's a sweet, bready Danish. But I also might be harsh on it because my standards are unusually high. It's a double-edged sword.

If you're in it for a typical sticky bun Danish pastry type thing, then I think you'll like this product. If you're in it for the salted caramel custard, then you might be a bit disappointed. There's not like a glob of actual custard in the middle of the bread or anything like that. There's just a thin glaze of it in between layers of the pastry. I might not be up-to-date with my Danish bun lingo, but when I see the words "custard style filling" I think there's a giant cache of yummy pudding somewhere in the breading that you could eat with a spoon. That's not the case here.

Trader Joe's Salted Caramel Swirl Danish does indeed have a caramel-esque flavor, which is nice. It's not particularly salty in our opinions, but that's just fine by us. Our specimen was never dry, not even after heating in the air fryer. They give optional heating instructions for the conventional oven only on the packaging. Who pre-heats their oven to 350° to put something in it for two minutes??

At any rate, the air fryer worked pretty well and the product remained soft and fresh-tasting. It's honestly almost as good just straight out of the package. So if you're on your way home from TJ's and you need that pick-me-up, this product is totally fair game at room temperature. It's a little sticky and messy, so have some wet naps nearby.

$3.99 for three big Danishes. Product of Denmark. And look at that: if you eat the entire package, there's actually fewer calories than if you just eat a single Danish. 390 calories for one pastry or 117 for the whole thing. Oh wait. Part of the nutrition info is hidden behind the little flap on the wrapper. Yeah. I guess that's 1170 calories per package. Boo. Eight out of ten stars from me for Trader Joe's Salted Caramel Swirl Danish. Sonia will go with eight and a half.

Bottom line: 8.25 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Beef, Bean & Cheese Burrito

We're tough graders here in general, and we might be extra demanding when it comes to Mexican food. Sonia grew up with it, and we've both been exposed to a wide gamut of comida Mexicana from food trucks to trendy restaurants to best-kept-secrets to holes-in-the-wall to run-of-the-mill fast food joints. We may not be certified connoisseurs, but we're Mexican food enthusiasts at the very least.

Burritos? This ain't Trader Joe's first day at the burrito rodeo, that's for sure. Unfortunately, not many of their pre-made refrigerated burritos have been particularly memorable in my humble opinion. I'll throw out an honorable mention or two just so you know I'm not a hater: Trader Joe's Vegetable Samosa Burrito was interesting and tasty, and we liked the Roasted Turkey & Sweet Potato quite a bit, too.

Again, their other burritos haven't been awful, just...not memorable. Unfortunately, this burrito will fall into that category for us, as well. Sonia says Trader Joe's Beef, Bean & Cheese Burrito is basically what you'd get if you'd open a can of Hormel Chili and stick it inside a flour tortilla. I don't disagree, though I will assert that it tastes just a shade better than that.

Visually, it's unappealing. It's just a lumpy brown mush on the inside. There are very few discernible veggie chunks and what little cheese is in there gets lost in the sauce. Portions of the tortilla came out nice and crispy from the oven, but other sections were a tad leathery and hard to cut with a fork.

The spice blend is pleasant. There is a nice beefy flavor with notes of cumin, onion, and chipotle. There are plenty of pristine pinto beans with a nice taste and texture.

Still, there's nothing that would make me ever want to reach for this product again when you consider all the other myriad burritos at your fingertips. At least with a Burrito Supreme from Taco Bell, you're getting everything you get here plus fresh tomato chunks, lettuce, sour cream, and hot sauce.

$4.49 for the single serving burrito. Wouldn't buy this one again. Six out of ten stars from Sonia. Six and a half out of ten from me for Trader Joe's Beef, Bean & Cheese Burrito.

Bottom line: 6.25 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Brownie Truffle Baking Mix

In today's exciting episode, Nathan takes to the kitchen to bake brownies! What kind of unmitigated disaster will unfold in this misadventure? Click the video below to find out.

Surprisingly, Mr. Rodgers managed to make a decent batch of brownies despite his lack of culinary skills or understanding. Sonia supervised the whole operation like a helicopter parent patrolling a bratty pre-teen at a middle school make out party. 

Good thing, too. Nathan's not good at mixing, stirring, cracking eggs, or following instructions. Come to think of it, he's not good at much other than shoving sweets into his chubby face.

Alright. Enough with the self-deprecation. I get a little punchy when I have to write a few paragraphs to fill up space when the review is entirely contained in the YouTube video. I mean, this is really just placeholder text. I'm simply trying to make it a tad more interesting than your typical lorem ipsum.

Have I succeeded? Well, you've made it this far into this non-review, so I guess so. Thanks for reading this schlock. You should have just clicked the video to begin with. I digress.

Trader Joe's Brownie Truffles are easy to make, they have a nice dark chocolate flavor, and instead of edible fungi like you might have expected, they have robust chocolate chips all through them. We might buy this product again. $3.79 for the mix which produces 16 servings of brownie truffles. Wouldn't they be truffle brownies rather than brownie truffles?

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Aperol Aperitivo and Martellozzo Prosecco

Ever since Sonia saw Lily Collins downing multiple Aperol Spritz beverages in Emily In Paris, she's wanted to try the trendy Italian drink. So needless to say, she was excited when she spied Aperol Aperitivo on the shelves of our nearest Trader Joe's store. She also snagged an Italian Prosecco on the same shopping trip, though neither is TJ's store brand, obviously.

The only other things you need to make an authentic Aperol Spritz are ice cubes, some seltzer water or club soda, and an orange slice. We already had those on hand, although I'm pretty sure you could find any or all of the ingredients at just about any Trader Joe's—except the booze, of course. Did you know alcohol is only sold at TJ's in 14 states?

At this point I should also note that an Italian Spritz doesn't have to be made with Aperol. There are other brands like Campari and Pronto which are popular here in the States as well as Europe. I know Joe carries Pronto, and it's a bit cheaper than the Aperol.

I can't say what a Spritz tastes like when made with those other brands, but I can tell you that an Aperol Spritz is refreshing, citrusy, and unique. The finished product is a beautiful shade of light orange, and you can smell the fruity flavors wafting from the glass. Of course, you can make it sweeter by adding more Prosecco or more citrusy by adding a bigger orange wedge or less potent by simply adding more sparkling water. I used just a tad more wine than Aperol and a fairly large splash of Polar water because I like my drinks on the fizzy side. Of course, Prosecco has some carbonation of its own but not enough to offset the stillness of the aperitivo.

By itself, the Aperol is mildly bitter and strong. It's got an orange flavor, but there are also notes of grapefruit as well as something herbal or floral. It is considered a "bitter," but I'm told that it's actually sweeter than most other popular aperitivo brands.

$26.99 for 750 mL of Aperol Aperitivo, 11% alcohol by volume, imported from Italy. $8.99 for the Martellozzo Prosecco, 10.5% ABV, also dall'Italia. Would buy both again. Eight out of ten stars from both Sonia and me for the Aperol Spritz and its constituent ingredients.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Mini Mushroom Tartelettes

If you've been around for a while, you'll know I not only have a slight food sensitivity to mushrooms, but I really don't like their taste or texture either. And if you've been reading for a very long while, you'll remember Sonia had a very similar allergy in years past but she's mostly outgrown it. She's much more eager to take a shot at shrooms and feast on fungi these days, so she picked up this appetizer at Trader Joe's a couple months ago—which we recently rediscovered at the back of our freezer.

Considering I just straight up don't like mushrooms, I gotta say: this appetizer is oddly good. I mean, this product is case in point for why I try things that I "know" I don't like. The cheese, the buttery crust, the spice blend all help, but even the mushrooms taste nice here. There's a savory meatiness to them that I really enjoyed. Also, surprisingly, they're not very oily. Buttery? Perhaps. But not greasy or oily.

Sonia raved about this product. She inhaled 9 out of the 12 pieces in a single sitting—something quite uncharacteristic for her. It took a good half hour of her saying "Try them! You have to try them!" before I even took a single bite. She particularly enjoyed the flakiness of the breading, the creamy cheese blend, and the onion and garlic flavors underneath the mushrooms. She baked our batch in the oven, but I'm sure the air fryer would have done just as well.

$5.49 for 12 mini tarts. Sonia would buy them again in a heartbeat and I would attempt to overcome my disdain for mushrooms and eat half the package next time. Sonia gives Trader Joe's Mushroom Tartelettes nine out of ten stars. I'm still shocked at how much I liked them, so I won't contradict her on this one.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe San Soyaki

A quick internet search will reveal that Trader Joe's is just about the only place that sells "soyaki" sauce. Plenty of other folks are peddling bottles of teriyaki with sesame seeds as a primary ingredient. It seems fairly self evident that "soyaki" is a mashup of the words "soy" and "teriyaki," but if regular teriyaki has soy in it anyway, then wouldn't all teriyaki be soyaki? Seems to me that the sesame seeds are the things that make this product unique, but I guess "sesameyaki" doesn't exactly roll off the tongue.

Trader Joe's Soyaki is bursting with the umami flavor of soy sauce, but behind it there's a surprising amount of cane sugar sweetness along with garlic and ginger purees. You can taste sesame, vinegar, and tamari, and the whole thing is nice and savory. There are enough sesame seeds that they not only provide a bit of nuttiness to the flavor, but they add some texture, too.

My instincts would gravitate towards poultry or fish as the perfect pairings for this sauce, but I suppose steak wouldn't be out of the question. We used our soyaki as a marinade for salmon and it was scrumptious. We served it with rice and salad, and it was just perfect for dinner.

I hear it goes quite well with tofu as well, so if you're prepping a plant-based meal you're in luck because Trader Joe's Soyaki is certified vegan. It's also kosher. $3.99 for 21 oz. Would buy again. Eight out of ten stars from both Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Soyaki Sauce.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.