Trader Joe's Oakwood Cold Smoked English Cheddar Cheese

So....how do you smoke a block of cheese so it doesn't melt? I mean, where's there's smoke, there's fire, right? I had no idea until Googling it, so if you're interested, here ya go.

We've had a somewhat spotty history with Trader Joe's Spotlight Cheeses of the Month. See Exhibit A and Exhibit B. But Trader Joe's Oakwood Cold Smoked English Cheddar Cheese is a winner. Unlike other English cheddars from TJ's I've had, this isn't of the cold and clammy variety. No, it's more of the traditional waxy/creamy hybrid of most other cheddars, and it's strong, too. It's not the sharpness itself that really sticks out - I'd say it's midrange at most - but the smoke. And it's definitely oak too...my dad smokes meats quite a bit, experimenting with different wood chips, so I can discern between oak and maple and cherry and whatnot. Very oaky, very smoky. It's almost a little too uniform, though, making me question a little if this cheese were truly smoked or just add smoke flavoring added - I'm giving TJ's the benefit of the doubt and saying the first.

Regardless, this is an excellent cheddar, and a good deal at $7.99 a pound. Pair with a pour of bourbon, some slices of pastrami or roast beef, make a killer mac 'n cheese - lotsa possibilities here. Go at it! Bonus points for the Flanders-esque "Oakely Doakely" on the label as well.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Oakwood Cold Smoked English Cheddar Cheese: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Trader Jacques' Tarte à l'Oignon Alsatian Style Onion Tart

If you like onions, you'll undoubtedly like this onion tart. Why? Because it's nothing but a boatload of caramelized onions on a bed of buttery bread. Is that a good thing? Yes...if you like onions.

From the moment we peeled back the plastic wrapping, that pungent, oniony fragrance filled our entire kitchen. Even standing five or 10 feet away from the product, it was still noticeable—and possibly even overwhelming, particularly for onionophobes. Good thing both Sonia and I like onions.

We've noticed that the scent of onions on one's breath is vaguely offensive only if you have abstained from the consumption of onions. If you've been eating them too, then it's not so bad. Who wants to kiss someone with onion-breath, except perhaps someone else with onion-breath? Garlic possesses similar qualities.

We heated the product per the instructions, but felt that it came out a little underdone. We were both quite hungry at the time, so we bypassed the option of putting it back in the oven and ate it as it was. It was still delicious, if perhaps a little doughy. We both agreed that the more thoroughly cooked parts were superior in taste and texture. The little bit of browning and crisping we had around the edges and corners was very welcome. So, if anything, I'd say err on the side of overcooking this product just a tad.

The crust is very similar to a pizza crust. There aren't many surprises there. As mentioned before, the onions are caramelized and also fairly creamy. I'm not sure if this would make a great stand-alone dinner just by itself, but as a side dish, it adds a nice, classy international element for under $4 (although TJ's official web page says something about zombies and clowns potentially changing the official price tag). This product is actually imported from France. Sonia and I have both been there, although never together. On our next visit, we will most definitely make a stop in Alsace Lorraine. 

Sonia liked it even more than I did. Four and a half stars from her. I think it deserves a four.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Mini Cinnamon Sugar Churros

There's a moment in an upcoming podcast episode where I get called out on the privilege of my youth: namely, there being churros in my school cafeteria! In suburban Philadelphia, of all places! Shout out to you, North Penn, because apparently this is not the standard across the nation. Not even for Sonia...and she grew up in SoCal! I had no idea this was such a foreign concept. Mind : blown. Maybe I shoulda checked with Sandy to see what her school did...

Anyways, yes, on taco days, we could buy churros at the school cafeteria, as long as our cafeteria trays were wide. And come to think of it, I remember them more at elementary school, not middle or high school...okay, now that's a great idea. Give a bunch of kids a large sugary stick of fried dough, then expect them to learn the 3 R's. What foresight.

But those churros: I remember them being amazing, and kinda the standard to which I hold all other churros. I've had them a few times since, I'm sure - must have had at least one or two at Disneyland (the standard, Sonia opines).

These Trader Joe's Mini Cinnamon Sugar Churros are right in line with the cafeteria ones I recall. For once, comparing TJ's to cafeteria food is meant a compliment. You can find a big baggie in the freezer section for just $3.99. And they're designed to bake up in your oven for just a few minutes (six or seven) before pulling out and dusting over with the included package of cinna-sugar.

My goodness. Delicious. Churros are usually meant to be fried, but despite their ovenly preparation, the churros still taste and feel and even smell fairly fried. Think of them as small hexagram logs. The pointy peaks get crispy and oily, with just the right bite to them - in retrospect, I should have rotated them halfway through baking, since the bottom pan side of these guys did get slightly burned. But no matter. The middles were fluffy yet chewy like any good funnel cake-kinda concoction. And all the cinnamon and sugar...there's plenty enough cinnamon in the actual churro dough, and there's plenty more to add from the side package. I'd say that side satchel seems mostly cinnamon and not quite as much sugar, but still, plenty of sweetness to offset the cinnamon bite. Muy delicioso.  Each churro is about a bite and a half big.

But...not a perfect item. Like myself, perhaps the fine folks who drew up the back label were to hopped up on churros to learn some third grade math, because it's kinda fuzzy, at least as it pertained to my bag. Listen: if a serving is 10 churros, and there's four servings per bag, there should be 40 churros per bag. Now, I can read, so I understand it says "about 4" servings, not just "4 servings." Still...when I got 36 churros, and not more in the acceptable 38 - 42 range, well, it seemed off. Nathan brought up on excellent point about this, though....which you'll just have to listen to the podcast to find out what it was.

Also: You really don't need to eat ten of these anyways. I think Sandy and I each had five and felt like we had our share. Each churros is about a bite and a half big, which is actually perfect. Portion control! Kid friendly!

We like them. A lot. And we're dreaming of different ways to eat them. With vanilla ice cream, fleur de sel or dulce de leche, and maybe some pineapple? Yes. Have a churro bar with all sorts of different dips, like chocolate and fruit and whatnot? Ooh yeah. Make a churro cheesecake somehow? Oh goodness. Yesyesyes. I'm sure you have some fun ideas too, so fill us in!

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Mini Cinnamon Sugar Churros: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons

p.s. - Major shout out to Pamela AKA "The Frozen Queen" at the Pittsburgh McCandless Crossing Trader Joe's for tracking down a bag full for Sandy and me - straight off the truck! Folks like you, Shandra in Salt Lake City, and the nice cashier in North Wales who gave my mom some flowers on the house when recovering from surgery are truly what's good at Trader Joe's - the people!

Trader Joe's Lemon Ginger Echinacea 100% Juice

I'm starting to notice a pattern. With a few anomalies, I really like drinks with that raw ginger flavor: those exploding bottles of Triple Ginger Brew, most non-alcoholic ginger beers and ginger ales, and stuff like Crabbie's alcoholic ginger beer. Pancakes, cereals, and other solid foods with raw ginger flavor? Not so much. And although it's distinctly different from other ginger beverages, this drink is no exception to that rule.

It definitely packs a heavy ginger punch, but the lemon and echinacea add an unexpected softness and complexity to the flavor. Just imagine iced echinacea tea sweetened with honey, mixed with lemonade and a potent ginger brew. It's not for everyone. Sonia was turned off by the heavy ginger flavor. It's especially noticeable in the finish. You're left with a sinus-clearing blast of ginger spice—and I don't mean Geri Halliwell. I liked it for that reason, unlike my sweet wife.

I must admit, there is something "medicinal" about the taste, for lack of a better word. It's almost as if they started with Thera-flu as a base, then sweetened it a bit more and threw in some raw ginger. But along those same lines, it felt therapeutic, too—like it might help ward off a winter cold. 

I'm sure this beverage would work well hot, served steaming in a coffee mug. But neither of us tried it that way. I was happy to chug it down on the rocks. Sonia just wanted more lemon flavor, and less of that vibrant ginger. Sonia will go with a 2.5, and I'll go with a solid 4.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Smoked Ghost Chilies Grinder

Maybe you want to add a little extra something to your chili or soup or whatever for dinner. Maybe you had those TJ's ghost chili chips a few months back and thought, "Hey, those weren't so bad." Maybe on a recent trek to Trader Joe's you saw the Smoked Ghost Chilies Grinder and thought, for $4.99, it'd add a nice little kick but something you could easily handle.

And you'd be wrong.

Listen: Unless you know what you're getting into, leave this pepper alone. It's beyond hot and spicy. The fact it comes inside a little plastic baggies inside the grinder should be a clue - I think it's so the capsaicin won't eat thru the grinder itself while still on store shelves. It's hot. Listen: most times I've used it, I've turned the grinder only the minimum necessary and let the few small flakes fall out...and that's seemed a bit much. A quarter turn would make things downright uncomfortable...a full would be a reason to go the ER.

Such is the way of the bhut jolokia, rough translation: butt igniter. Super fiery hot. Proceed with caution. No kids. No contact with eyes. No nothing. It'll take me years to get through this...and I like to think I'm a spice aficionado. I like the ghouly grinder but in small doses, and it's far from an everyday kinda thing. Maybe I'm just getting old. But be careful, kiddos.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Smoked Ghost Chilies Pepper Grinder: 7.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Trader Joe's Scandinavian Swimmers

Ah, so many fun things come from Scandinavia: vikings, danishes, Spotify, Ikea...and now this. Just what we need after a month of sweets, cakes, parties, and junk food: more candy! 

And in our house, the holiday season just ended last night. It was Three Kings Day. Some of you might know it as "Epiphany." Latin Americans often celebrate it with a rosca—a big cake full of candied fruits and a plastic baby Jesus baked into it somewhere. Tradition states that whoever gets the piece with baby Jesus has to host the party the following year. Good times. But we did without a rosca this time around. Instead, we celebrated with tres leches cake, miscellaneous libations, and...you guessed it: these soft, seafood-themed candies.

In light of recent events, Trader Joe's seems awfully confident they won't get sued by Swedish Fish over these "Scandinavian Swimmers." We see what you did there, TJ's. Very clever. You just went slightly more vague with the terms used in your product title. Why...you could be referring to Norwegian Lobsters and Danish Dolphins for all we know. And depending on who you ask, Finnish Seahorses and Icelandic Porpoises might be included in the bunch as well. Regardless of all that, I like them. I call them "Scandies." Get it? Scandinavian candies. Scandies. It's a contraction of the tw—oh, nevermind.

There are four different flavors (and colors). I like all of them except the yellow flavor. It just doesn't taste like anything to me. It's vaguely sweet, but there's very little tart lemon essence or luscious pineapple or anything like that. It's just...there. I can't really identify any of the other distinct flavors either, but all the rest seem like they belong there, though none pack the sour, citrusy zing that we found in last year's Sour Gummies T's & J's. It might just be my imagination, but I think the blue (dolphin) flavor is slightly berry-esque and the orange (fish) flavor is sorta orangey. I'm not even going to venture a guess as to the red flavor. Maybe the ladies over at Candyology will eventually offer us some concrete insights into the matter.

Texture-wise, they're wonderfully soft, and I must admit, my inner five-year-old thinks the shapes are kinda fun. The number one ingredient is cane sugar so, as candies go, I'd say these are a higher quality product than most mainstream offerings. Neither Sonia nor I are huge candy folks, but after being wowed by the aforementioned T's & J's, we decided to check these out as well. They're certainly not bad, but both Sonia and I would take the sour gummies over these guys any day. It looks like double 3.5's on Trader Joe's Scandinavian Swimmers. I might have gone with a 4 if that yellow flavor weren't so...blah.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Meter Long Beer Bratwurst

Alright, alright, alright. Let's be upfront and get this out of the way already here.Yes, there's a lot of jokes that can be made about a, ahem, sausage of this size. No, I'm not going to repeat any of them here. One of my buddies and I sure made enough of them on New Year's Eve when I brought over Trader Joe's Meter Long Beer Bratwurst, much to the annoyance of our two much more lovely, much more mature, and absolutely more sober wives. We had our meat, we had our drink, we had our fun, now it's time to get down to the business of reviewing this fairly significant feat o' meat...

Hrmm, "Feat o' Meat" - that has a nice ring to it. I like it. How about naming it that, or similarly, "Three Feet of Meat"? If you must stick to that silly, worldly, completely logical metric system. how about "Meat-er Long Brat"? C'mon, it's quite possibly the longest, most readily-commercially available meat product out there - have some fun with it!

Relatedly, I may have just blown any chance of ever landing a gig with the Fearless Flyer. Drats.

This one heckuva monu-meat-al achievement though. As in, it's a seriously good brat. As you can easily tell from my picture, my buddy Nick tossed it on the grill for about a good 20 to 25 mins, flipping halfway through, to get a good, charred, cracked casing. In my opinion, that's really the only way to cook such a thing. The end result was positively mouthwatering: hot, sizzly, juicy, like a sausagey siren bent on leading me and my diet astray. Like any bratwurst worth the name, TJ's beer brat is a good mix of both pork and beef - I can't say exact ratio, but noticeably more pork. It's a good blend, though - not too grainy or rubbery like some I've had, but even and intact inside the pork casing.

And, of course, there's beer! Due to silly Quaker-heritage Pennsylvania laws, I haven't had the pleasure of Trader Joe's Vintage Ale too very often, so had to look up what the experts have to say about it. Hrmm, okay, yeasty, bready, some "banana esters" (whatever those are)...okay, I kinda remember that one I had a couple years back. To be honest, I didn't pick up too much of the actual beer flavor in the brats, but I'm willing to bet that's more my palate's shortcomings, as I rarely can in any beer brat. I mean, there was some beery aspects, but not enough to make it super noticeable or give me pause. I more noticed the paprika and peppery aspects than any beer ones. That's all well and good, since the flavor is mild enough to make it prime for pairing with any of your favorite sauces or mustard or whatever, while still enjoyable enough to consume straight up..

All to say, I really enjoyed shuffling off this meat-al coil. I definitely ate more of it than I intended to, I think - my intake modulator wasn't working that night. Good thing it's a great deal - it's over a pound and a half, and costs only $6.99. I'm pretty sure I've seen it around for a while, so hopefully it'll continue to stick around for a bit. Both Sandy and I are wavering around a 4 to a 4.5, so let's call it one of each.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Meter Long Beer Bratwurst: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons    

Trader Joe's Jicama Sticks

Sonia had purchased this product on one of her solo TJ's runs, so it was a surprise when I found it on the kitchen counter. "What are these Ticama Sticks?" I asked. Just then, I noticed it said "Jicama Sticks," with a "J." I had been thrown off by the peculiar font TJ's chose. 

So I re-phrased my question to: "What are these Jai-camma Sticks?" butchering the product name like a true 'Murican. Sonia's reply came back with the correct pronunciation. "Oh, the Hee-comma Sticks? They're really good! I used to eat these growing up. My mom would give them to me when I was sick."

They're basically just run-of-the-mill root vegetables, similar to radishes or turnips, but sliced into long, narrow sticks. When you Google the phrase "jicama tastes like," the top two auto-fill choices that pop up are "like apple" and "like dirt," a not so subtle clue that there may be two distinct camps when it comes to jicama appreciation. I'll agree the texture is very similar to a fresh, crisp apple, but I must admit, when it comes to taste, I fall squarely in the "tastes like dirt" category.

I can appreciate fresh root vegetables: potatoes and carrots are great, radishes are nice in salads, and even beets have their place, but jicama? Meh. Not for me. Sonia loves it, though—at least most of the time. Must be a Latin/Hispanic thing.

I'm a fan of almost anything with a few drops of lemon juice and a dusting of chili powder, but even that combo couldn't redeem these things in my humble opinion. Sonia describes jicama sticks as "nutty and lightly sweet." She's got a great imagination when it comes to jicama apparently—although she did dock some points in this case because Trader Joe's selection was "not as sweet as the jicama (she) grew up on."

Sonia's going to go with a 3.5. Even though they're not the greatest representation of jicama, she's quite impressed that TJ's carries them at all. I'm tempted to go with one star, but I'll go with a 2 since they're healthy and nutritious, cheap and convenient.

Bottom line: 5.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's A Complete Salad: Kale & Hemp Seeds

Happy New Year!!!!!!

Two lucrative industries come January 1: Gyms and salads. Not a bad idea after all that holiday splurge anyways. For the latter, Trader Joe's has been making it easier with their A Complete Salad line to have a healthy, tasty, delicious salad ready to grab, rip, and gobble down, and the newest entry, Kale & Hemp Seeds, is not an exception.

Abundant kale with a little red cabbage. Almonds. Dried minced dates. A couple big shards of parmesan cheese. All topped with a light lemon vinaigrette that nicely ties everything together. To be honest, I didn't notice the hemp seeds much if at all - they don't taste like much, and any crunch could have easily been an almond instead. But they're in there, and probably good for you, so there you go.

Our only real knock was the lack of mix-ins. So much kale, and plenty enough dressing, but a lot of bites were just those two ingredients. Really, doubling the nuts et al would have been welcome. Still, for $4.49, it made one heckuva good dinner salad that if inspired differently would have great with some grilled chicken or shrimp tossed in. Sandy also would have preferred a couple varieties of greens instead of straight-up kale as well. No matter, pretty darn good as is.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's A Complete Salad: Kale & Hemp Seeds: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Podcast Episode 15: Best of 2015

In this episode, we talk about our favorite (and least favorite) Trader Joe's items from 2015.

Here's a link to the MP3 file!

Here's a link to the show notes!

Here's a link to us on Stitcher!

Trader Joe's Sauerkraut with Pickled Persian Cucumbers

2015: A year of a lot of achievements and milestones. Turned 33, celebrated sixth anniversary with my lovely bride, had a third and a first birthday in the house, hit the 100 pound weight loss mark, three years of the daylight job I tolerate, five years of the moonlight one I love (hint: this one!) complete with new podcast, and one, big, large, very expensive roof replacement job (ugh!).

On a much smaller scale of importance, but much more pertinent to this here review: I've learned to really like sauerkraut. Truth be told, I've spent most of my existence trying to outright avoid the pungent cabbage concoction that had me gag at the thought of it. but then: one night, at Hofbrauhaus, I forgot to mention I didn't want it as a side, so out it came. Now, I'm a believer in trying something you don't like every once in a while, just to see if you still don't like it, so I gave it the ol' college heave-ho....delicious. Then had it again on some kielbasa while apple picking when I "forgot" it might be on there. Then again at a church potluck. Then, on a whim, when out at Penn Brewery, the German-inspired brewery here in the 'burgh. Each time: Yum. Go figure.

Anyways, since it's New Years, and sauerkraut is a time honored tradition that's been with us longer than Dick Clark (I miss him more each year - go away, Ryan Seacrest), here's some Trader Joe's Sauerkraut. In the refrigerated section for $3.99. Of course, it being TJ's, it can't be played straight, hence the "with Pickled Persian Cucumbers" part tacked on. Also, unlike many store brands, this is raw instead of being heated to prolong shelf life before being schlepped in a can, therefore retaining a lot of the good bacteria that our tummies like after a weeklong Christmas cookie binge.

Well, that's all good and all, but how's it taste? Very...pickle-y. Especially those cucumbers, which are chopped up button style and intersparsed throughout the shredded cabbage thicket in each jar. Those bites straddle a line between cucumbery sweetness and garlicky wallop which can take you by surprise on first bite. The cabbage part isn't quite as pungent, but still packs a sharpness amidst the firm, crunchy shreds. Naturally there's a pretty decent amount of salt in here, but the garlic pokes through quite a bit, especially when any cucumbers are involved, making this a fairly different kinda deal from any other sauerkraut I've had, which admittedly isn't much, but still.

I could not pay Sandy to try sauerkraut. She just won't. But much to my surprise, her mom (who lives with us) did. She's...how do I say this?...very used to her foods being a certain way, and so, she bristles at most Trader Joe's offerings because they're not what she's used to. A shorter way to say this would be "picky" but that doesn't quite explain the depth this goes to. Yet, she tried this without much hesitation, when I asked her if she'd like to so she'd know if she needed to procure her preferred sauerkraut for New Year's. It had a little much garlic for her, but she liked it enough that we'll be splitting the rest of the jar come pork roast time. 3.5 from her. Maybe in 2016, I can slowly continue the conversion process....I don't like sad Germans, so I'm going with a near perfect 4.5 for this sauerkraut.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Sauerkraut with Pickled Persian Cucumbers: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Trader Joe's Sticky Toffee Pudding

A month or two ago, some readers mentioned both this product and the Sticky Toffee Cheddar Cheese in the comment section below my review of TJ's Rustic Apple Tarte. I agreed to try this pudding item if Russ tried its much riskier cheddar cheese counterpart. He did. So here I am to honor my delicious end of that completely unfair bargain. (Thanks, Russ!)

We were planning on having this for dessert over the Christmas holiday weekend, but when it came time to eat Christmas dinner, we realized we had vast amounts of desserts, cookies, and other goodies that could surely last us well into the new year. Plus, with one less mouth to feed (rest in peace, Mom) the food would most likely be devoured even more slowly than in years past. 

So, after putting a dent in all of our more perishable holiday treats, we finally got to this delicious pudding Monday night as a sort of midnight snack after our regular bi-weekly podcast recording. And since it was late, neither Sonia nor I wanted to consume many calories before bedtime, but man, we really had to exercise some willpower not to eat the whole thing. The readied product looks like it just emerged from a fancy jello mold, although we failed to snap a picture at that particular juncture, and instead captured what the product will look like after being divvied up among many hungry holiday guests.

It's like a delicious bread pudding, but full of yummy dates and covered in this amazing liquid toffee syrup. Just imagine a Heath bar, sans the chocolate, but melted into this perfectly smooth, sticky, butterscotch-esque topping. It's absolutely divine.

At around $4 a box, it's not too pricey. It supposedly serves two, although with the amount of fat and calories it packs, you might want to spread it around to the whole family. The packaging specifies microwave preparation in just a couple minutes. I think it might be a seasonal item, but I'm not sure. If so, well...then most of you folks will probably have to wait until next year to pick it up. But Sonia and I are here to tell you it's definitely worth it. You've heard all that fuss about "figgy pudding" in that Christmas carol. Well, bring us some more datey pudding, and bring some right here.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Deglet Noor Dates

Just like most of my dates in high school, Trader Joe's Deglet Noor Dates are almost certain to not be around very long, so let's keep it short here.

As a first foray into the world of these smaller, firmer, and less smooshy cousin of the ever popular medjool dates, I'm almost equally a fan of these deglet noors. As they're already pitted, these are much more portable and kid friendly version, as well as possibly a better choice for some make-your-own appetizers and salads. But because they're more fiber-y and less fleshy than the aforementioned medjools, think through before using them in a recipe such as paleo pecan pie. The deglet noors are a touch sweeter, but in all taste fairly close to medjools. Much less sticky, too, to my kiddo's delight.

Here's a bonus though. The pound-plus pack of these guys? Only $2.99! Grading by the fact that a doublepounder of topnotch dates from Costco retails for about $9, that's a pretty good value. We'll like them as long as they're around, but don't it personally when one day they're just gone without warning - they're in the seasonal section, after all.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Deglet Noor Dates: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Trader Joe's Rum of the Gods

As alluded to on our booze lovefest/podcast a few weeks back, Trader Joe's Rum of the Gods isn't exactly topshelf kinda stuff. A straight swig or two, and it tastes kinda burny, kinda medicinal, and fairly flat and bland all at once.

But then again...who drinks rum straight?!?!?! Not me.

Not sure what the gods have to do with it, but it mixes well with others. Fancy a rum and coke? Yes. Put some extra jolly in your winter wassail? Absolutely. Spike your egg nog? Full speed ahead, Captain...I mean, not "Captain" like Captain Morgan...sigh. Regardless, it all works, and for a pretty low price - I think I paid about $8 or $9 a few months back at the Princeton, NJ store for this.

It won't make you the hit of your holiday party, but at least it'll be a less of a hit to your wallet.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Rum of the Gods: 6 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Trader Joe's Artisan Bread Pretzel Croissants

A year ago at this time, I was making some big ol' fuss about the paleo diet I was trying out and avoid grains this, no carbs that...blahblahblah. Probably drove some of ya nuts. Sorry to drag out the past out into the light.

Well, I'm not exactly following it any more. Don't get me wrong, I still have some caveman-esque diet tendencies...but I like carbs again. Well, never stopped liking them. But I gotta make sure they're a worthwhile indulgence. Hey, I worked hard to knock off a hundred pounds, I'd like to keep them off, all those Christmas cookies be darned. p.s. - Mom, keep them coming!

So...Trader Joe's now has what they're calling their Artisan Bread Pretzel Croissants. Gotta admit, I perked right up when I head that. Must. Try. I love croissants - light, flaky, crispy - and when I think soft pretzels, I think of the traditional Philly style - tough, dense, chewy - so to see how those two would combine carbo-forces into some interesting hy-bread, well, $2.49 for a two pack seemed a worthy investment.

These are some big guys. When I opened the bag there was the familiar deep salty/yeasty aroma of a soft pretzel, except a little lighter and perhaps more buttery. The exterior of each large palm sized pretssant (ugh, that doesn't work) looked much alike the skin of most typical pretzel rolls, except, well, croissant shaped. As for firmness, well, decidedly the crotzels (oh goodness, that's even worse) were much in the middle, again like a pretzel bun.

I am so sorry for quite possibly entering the word "crotzel" into the English lexicon.

Moving on, both Sandy and I had the same idea for these: Breakfast sandwiches. Slicing them proved to be a challenge, due to the flaky nature of their croissant heritage. But we were both able to get a decent sized slab to go on either side of our sausage and eggs...and fell into pretssanwich (I need to stop) heaven. Both the nature of a pretzel and the elements of a croissant were almost equally present. How can something be flaky but chewy at the same time? I don't know...but sure enough, each bite was soft and buttery at first, but quickly turned into something a little more chewable when mashed between the molars. Despite the initial flakiness when slicing, our sandwichable slabs did an excellent job of holding on to their innards. Tastewise, they perhaps veered slightly more towards pretzel, but still, so much butteriness....yum.

Both Sandy and I liked them quite a bit, and personally, I'm pretty happy that we got two bags of them, only for the kiddos and the mom-in-law to not be willing to try them for whatever silly reason. They instead opted for plain white toast. Ugh.  More for us. And that's a good thing. No real complaints here, but a little sprinkle of kosher salt on top of these would have been killer. Definitely worth the pick-up. Double fours.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Artisan Bread Pretzel Croissants: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons     

Trader Joe's Gingerbread Flavor Dog Treats

It's another dog treat review! As has been the case with all of our mostly-pointless pet treat reviews, the dogs inhale the treats with reckless abandon despite the fact that they're clearly optimized for larger dogs. However, in this case, the cute gingerbread man shapes lend themselves to easy bite-size snacks for small dogs by simply decapitating and/or amputating limbs from the hapless cookie men. Be sure to click on the video, because this one features beautiful Christmas decorations, animals wearing hats, and my lovely wife eating dog food! Enjoy!



Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Butternut Squash Parmigiana

Isn't this a fall item, you ask? 

Perhaps. Butternut squash does seem rather "harvesty," but in actuality, it's a winter squash. And when it's parmigianafied and topped with crunchy amaretti, it's downright delicious.

After reading the box thoroughly, we discovered that the included tray is, in fact, "ovenable." Thanks to TJ's, that word is now part of the American lexicon and we shall no longer have to thread together really awkward phrases like, "can be put in the oven confidently without fear of bursting into flames." So we did. We ovened the tray. And then we ate the dish straight out of the tray. One person could easily consume this dish by him or herself, but hey, it's the holiday season and sharing stuff with people you love is all the rage apparently.

It's hearty, flavorful, and slightly sweet. I'm not sure what we were expecting, but Sonia and I were both very pleasantly surprised when we shared this double-serving tray of gourmet butternut brilliance. I guess cheese, squash, and cookie crumbs were the last three things either of us would have ever thought to merge into a single dish. But somehow it works. 

To describe the taste to you would be extremely difficult, since I've never had anything quite like it before. It actually tastes like its constituent parts, but they blend together oh so much better than I would have ever imagined.  It's a bit on the fattening side for a vegetable-based meal, but if you're an adventurous eater, we think it's absolutely worth a try. I'm sure we're bound to get some dissenting opinions on this one, but as for Sonia and me, we're fans.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Uncured Bacon Wrapped Dates Stuffed With Goat Cheese

Late December weekend. You know what that means: holiday parties all around! I have two or three this weekend, plus hosting one. Yikes!

Might as well bring something really easy and really tasty to share...like Trader Joe's Uncured Bacon Wrapped Dates Stuffed With Goat Cheese. Seriosuly, rip a box open, stick in the oven for a couple minutes, and voila! You've got yourself one fancy hors d'ouevre. Each component works so seamlessly together - the medjool date, the goat cheese in the crevice where the pit was, and the apple smoked bacon wrapping it all up and holding it tight. It's a smoother-than-aniticipated bite that highlights the best aspects of everything involved - the salty-sweet awesomeness of truly good bacon, the soft creaminess of the cheese, the savory depth of a good date. I only wish for the price ($5 or $6 for a box of ten) either the dates would be a little larger, or there'd be a few more tossed in just to make it a little better value.

Bonus: As you may have heard on our podcast, my three year old made the acute observation that these look like Baby Jesus in the manger (date = manger, baby = cheese, bacon = blanket), and she's right. So, extra Christmas points for a delectable treat that points to the true meaning of the holiday. From the mouths of babes...

We like 'em. Double fours.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Uncured Bacon Wrapped Dates Stuffed With Goat Cheese: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Podcast Episode 14: Nduja

In this episode we talk about some exciting new products we’ve tried, like the Wintertide Tea Cookie Collection, Chocolate Raspberry Tamales, Panettone French Toast, and, of course, Nduja.

Click here for the show notes.

Click here for the MP3.

Click here for Stitcher.

Trader Giotto's Nduja Spicy Salami Spread

 'Twas two weeks before Christmas
And all through the pantry
I went a-rustlin' for a snack
Before I'd get hangry

Heard the mom-in-law yell
"Hey! No more eatin' my cookies!"
So over to the fridge
I went for a look-see

Trader Joe's Spicy Salami Spread!
Or, to be fancy, "nduja"
My soul get all psyched up
My tastebuds thought, "Yum! Boo ya!"

Fancy exotic meat time!
From the country shaped like a boot!
Been wanting to try this for a while
Now's finally the time! Whoot!

Though..umm...spreadable meat?
That sounds like a gamble
"No matter!" thought I
" Here's the best I can scramble!"

Back over to the pantry
Quietly for some crackers
Nduja and knock-off Ritzes
Sounded like nice snackers

I scooped up my first bite
And plopped into my mouth
And took only a bite or two
Before it all went south

It all felt kinda funny
Like semi-molten pepperoni wax
Was slathered on my cracker
Hey, just reporting the facts

As for the taste? Hrmm
Salami-esque with paprika for sure
 But there's certain things
 No spice can ever cure

How I do say it?
It tasted like it had some funk
Not fermented, per se
But still kinda like a skunk

Perhaps a little green olive-y
Would be a nicer way to explain
But that's not quite it
No, it's with a little more disdain

Plenty of a spicy kick, though
Paprika and pepper so black
Mixed in tomato sauce
Made an interesting snack

I've revisited the nduja
Several times at this writing
I've liked it a little more each time
So let not my words be spiting

Although I must warn you
Though spared too many troubles
After each sampling
My gut felt full of bubbles 

Sandy bravely tried it
She really tried her best
But her heaves said it all
"All yours is the rest"

Pick it up if you dare
You may like it just fine
Might work on your cracker plate
And hey, just $3.49

Though don't be surprised
If your tongue feels confused
Mine certainly did
I just hope you're amused

Bottom line: Trader Giotto's Spicy Salami Spread: 3 out of 10 Golden Spoons   

Trader Giotto's Panettone French Toast

It hasn't been all that long since our last panettone review. And since that review was posted two months ago, it has come to my attention that panettone bread makes excellent French toast. I had no idea. In fact, a reader commented and asked if I thought it would make good French toast. At the time, I said my admittedly not-so-confident guess was no. That just goes to show you that my culinary instincts are still solidly in the "foodie-hack" category and have not evolved far beyond that at this point in our Trader Joe's food product rating adventure.

Other readers posted comments on this blog as well as the Facebook page that the product did, in fact, make excellent French toast. I was curious about trying to make it myself, however, doing that would have involved cooking. There would have been eggshells all through my eggy bread. Sonia does enough around here, so I didn't try to twist her arm into making it for me, although the idea crossed my mind on more than one occasion.

Fortunately, Trader Joe's thought about all the culinarily-handicapped folks like myself and went ahead and made the French toast version on our behalf. Thanks, TJ's! Granted, this particular product is much more similar to French-toastified Panettone Classico, a product we looked at a couple years ago, rather than French-toastified Pumpkin Panettone (but maybe we can look forward to that for Fall 2016??)

Also since that Pumpkin Panettone review, I was made aware that we had been pronouncing "panettone" wrong the whole time. You're actually supposed to pronounce the "e" at the end, kind of like in the word "minestrone." Those zany Italianos. In the Panettone Classico review, I wrote a terza rima love poem to the product. I took great pride in the fact that my rhyme and meter was nearly perfect, but now that I know there's an extra syllable in the word "panettone," my iambic pentameter is completely ruined.

But let's get back to the product at hand, shall we? Because it's excellent. I like it better than any other French toast or panettone product I've had from Trader Joe's. We followed some advice that Sonia found online and heated it in the microwave, melted a nice dollop of butter on each slice, and dusted with confectioner's sugar. It's convenient and simple...and amazingly delicious. The toast slices are vastly more practical than the bizarre, though presumably more traditional, bell shapes we've seen in the other two panettone products. And I always thought Trader Joe's French Toast lacked a special zip. Well, the raisins and citrus peels in this panettone version were apparently exactly what it needed, because they blended surprisingly well with the egg and bread flavors here. 

Sonia and I both agree this is a "two-thumbs-up" product. She thinks the egg batter really makes the panettone bread more palatable, not that she had any major problems with the non-French toast versions. If you were hesitant to try the actual Panettone Classico or Pumpkin Panettone, this product is a great "gateway" food into the world of the festive Italian candied fruit cake. Four stars from Sonia. A near-perfect four and a half from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Wintertide Tea Cookie Collection

This "wintertide" has been ridiculously warm here in the northeast so far. Granted, it's still not technically winter until next week. But this past weekend, I walked barefoot in my backyard wearing nothing but jeans and a t-shirt. It was in the 70's. All things considered, I'd prefer our normal December temperatures with highs in the low 40's, especially approaching Christmas time, but hey, if it feels like Florida in New Jersey in mid-December, I'll roll with it...at least for a little bit. Not so much with Sonia. She moved nearly 3,000 miles to get away from the year-round "feels like you're inside even when you're outside" vibe of Southern California, and by golly, she wants it to feel like winter.

I must admit these high temps don't really put me in the mood to have hot coffee or hot tea, but I could probably count on one hand the number of times I've properly paired a tea cookie with actual tea in my whole life. Tea cookies and milk, yes. Eggnog, probably. Sugarless energy drinks, maybe, sadly. And by "maybe," I mean yes.

So right now, just for you guys, our faithful readers, I'm going to go heat up some hot tea and have it with these tea cookies so I can tell you how it works. I'll turn on the air conditioning if I have to. Brb.

<5 minutes later>

Okay, I have returned with a cup of steaming hot black tea. And yes, as shocking as it may sound, it pairs very well with these cookies. It really enhances their flavors somehow. 

My favorite, with or without tea, is the hot cocoa flavor. I think it tastes like a solidified version of actual hot cocoa. Sonia thinks it's just vaguely chocolatey. The Italian wedding flavor is the closest to just a sweet, run-of-the-mill, not-going-for-any-particular-flavor type cookie out of the three. It's a close second favorite for me. 

The gingerbread flavor is pretty heavy on the ginger. It leaves a nice little tingle on the back of your throat after consumption. Sonia thinks it's similar to Trader Joe's Pfeffernüsse, but she says she likes these tea cookies even more. They're her favorite of the three flavors. I guess they're vaguely reminiscent of the German spice cookies, but I feel like the pfeffernüsse had a more complex flavor and were slightly softer. I wonder if these gingerbread tea cookies would pair well with red wine as well...?

The box is $7, but as Sonia pointed out, if Starbucks, for example, were to offer any similar product, it would probably run you in the ballpark of $20. The packaging is attractive, elegant, and top quality. The box is worth hanging on to for future use. Each cookie flavor is packaged in its own bag and there are three separate compartments within the box. There's even a magnetic flap on the front of the box so it stays closed and keeps its shape without having to tuck ugly cardboard tabs into little slots on the side of the container. This product is very much about presentation and would probably be a great thing to take to a posh Christmas party or to give as a gift.

I'm not very big on any dry, powdery cookies in general, and these particular flavors are good, but they don't really have that wow factor in my opinion. I would never buy these just for myself to snack on, but as something to bring to a holiday gathering, they're just about perfect, so I can't go lower than three stars. Sonia gives it four stars, freely admitting that the beautiful packaging heavily influenced her score.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.