Trader Joe's Dukkah

Insert immature "mother dukkah" pun here. Or don't, you know, in case that sort of thing is beneath you. I get it. Not everybody is a forty-something man-child that still appreciates middle school toilet humor.

Ahem. I heard about this stuff a long time ago but never tried it until now. It's apparently a Middle Eastern condiment made with spices, nuts, and seeds. This particular variety has tiny almond bits and sesame seeds as the main ingredients.

There are two other types of seeds in the mix, but everything is pretty well pulverized into teeny tiny specks, rather than big crunchy bites. I mean, obviously sesame seeds are very small to begin with, but I don't think I've ever seen a whole fennel seed or anise seed, so I couldn't tell you what they look like normally.

Trader Joe's Dukkah basically looks like gravel, but it tastes pretty good. As you'd expect, it's seedy and nutty, but the spices bring a lot of flavor to the table as well. There's something almost licorice-esque about the taste. I guess that's the fennel. Or could be the anise. I guess they both vaguely taste like licorice, but spicier and with a whisper of something minty.

It's a complex taste that works well with olive oil. The little round container says to dip "crusty bread" in olive oil and then dip it in the dukkah. I tried it with plain pita chips and it made them significantly more interesting. I also tried coating some pan fried chicken breast with the dukkah. Not bad. Like breaded chicken, but with more flavor and texture. We'll try with salmon next.

$3.29 for the small cylinder. Would buy again, although there's just a tad too much licorice flavor to make it something I'd reach for on a daily basis. Four stars from the beautiful wifey. Put me down for three and a half for Trader Joe's Dukkah.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Black Garlic

I freaking love garlic. I've sung its praises on this blog numerous times in the past. I mean, I'm not a huge fan of what it does to one's breath, although if you and your partner both have it at the same meal, it's never quite as offensive as when only one of you has partaken of the potent plant's pungency.

It's delicious raw or cooked, in sauces, salsas, dips, chips—you name it, it works. I know they even have garlic ice cream. I think I'll pass on that, though.

You'd think I'd have heard of black garlic a long time ago, but its existence has only recently come to my attention. The easiest way to describe the flavor is with the following analogy:

black garlic : plain garlic :: caramelized onions : raw onions

Black garlic is to plain raw garlic as caramelized onions are to raw onions. Yes. It says right on the shaker it has a "caramelized-like flavor." It might sound a little awkward to put it like that, but it's not wrong. Trader Joe's Black Garlic is actually a little sweet. It's a rich, dark, earthy sweetness, but it's definitely kinda sweet.

Texture-wise, it's like large grains of salt. It makes food just a little crunchy and gritty, but in a good way. I added it to a bagel with plain cream cheese, and black garlic made every aspect of it better. I even tried it on hamburgers, and it worked better than I'd expected. I imagine you could use it on just about anything salty or savory.

$2.99 for about one net ounce of the condiment. Kosher. I'd buy it again. It has rice hull as an "anticaking agent" in the ingredients, but you still might find the grains are stuck together. Just break them apart with a fork before shaking. 

Four and a half stars a piece from Sonia and me on Trader Joe's Ground Fermented Black Garlic.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Butter Croissants

Give us this day our daily bread.

Notice it doesn't say "give us this day our daily fish" or anything like that. And you know the Bible's all about fish, fishing, and fisherman analogies. But not here. It says "give us our daily bread."

But you know what? I think if I had absolutely nothing but bread to eat on an average day, I'd be perfectly okay with it—particularly if the bread was as tasty as Trader Joe's Butter Croissants. I'm sure that's not the type of bread he had in mind when Jesus taught us how to pray, but hey, we can always ask for something special even if we don't get it all the time.

I'd ask for bagels one day, brioche toast the next, then buttermilk biscuits, ciabatta bread, pita, naan, and finally croissants: a different gourmet baked good for every day of the week.

And while Trader Joe's Butter Croissants might not beat out something freshly made from a Parisian bakery, they'd be pretty high up on my list for what to order on croissant day. We had ours with butter and strawberry jelly, as seen in the pic above. Delicious.

We also made croissant sandwiches with egg, cheese, and Trader Joe's Bomba Sauce. Ahhh-mazing. The croissants are indeed buttery to the core. They're flaky, soft, and surprisingly fresh (if consumed before the "best by" date.) 

You probably won't have much trouble eating three of them in short order, although Sonia wishes they did have a resealable package just in case you can't eat all of them right away. Our family is just the two of us, but a larger household shouldn't have any problems in that department.

$3.49 for three large croissants. We would buy these again. Four stars a piece from Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Butter Croissants.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Ube Joe-Joe's

Trader Joe's is really running with this ube thing. Weird, right? Purple yams. Apparently they've been popular in Filipino food since time immemorial. TJ's has done ice cream, pancakes, tea cookies, pretzels, and spread so far. Why not make ube-flavored sandwich cookies?

Well, I can think of one reason: nobody is asking for them.

Ahem, but nevertheless, Trader Joe's will go ahead and give it the old college try and roll out a surprisingly tasty cookie, even if perhaps a bit odd. Let's open our little rectangular box and get reviewing.

What's working in Trader Joe's Ube Joe-Joe's: 

1) they used vanilla cookies. Chocolate or coffee or ube or anything else simply wouldn't have worked. Vanilla is neutral enough to let the yammy flavors through.

2) The coating. The "yogurt candy" on the outside of the cookies creates an air-tight-ish seal and prevents the cookie parts from getting stale so quickly. It's also sweet, creamy, and yamtastic.

3) The filling. More violet root vegetable action here. Again, sweet. Again, creamy. Again, yammy as heck.

What's not working: I DON'T WANT ANY MORE SANDWICH COOKIES FROM YOU, TRADER JOE. Stop making sandwich cookies. Stop making cookies, period. Stop making new flavors of Joe-Joe's. Just stop it. Stop trying to make me fat with your organic junk food. Heck, is this even organic??

I'm warning you. One of these days, I'm going to give your cookies a bad review. Just you wait.

$3.49 for the sleeve of eight cookies. Perfectly delicious cookies that I would NOT buy again because I don't need any more dang cookies. Seriously. And even if I wanted to buy them again, they'll be discontinued in favor of Trader Joe's Pawpaw Durian Jabuticaba Joe-Joe's or some other such nonsense. Bloody heaven.

Four stars from Sonia. Three and a half from me for Trader Joe's Ube Joe-Joe's Vanilla Flavored Sandwich Cookies with Ube Creme in an Ube and Yogurt Candy Coating.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Peanut Butter Brookie

Peanut butter makes everything better. Jam and bread is just fine by itself as a side item on a breakfast spread. Add peanut butter to it, make a sandwich, and you've got a whole meal. A banana and yogurt smoothie is great. Add peanut butter, and you've got a hearty, nutritious shake that can serve as a meal substitute.

It makes delicious salsa even better. It makes caramel popcorn even better. It makes chocolate pretzels better. And yes, it makes Crownies...er, Brookies even better.

It's just a peanut butter cookie smooshed onto a brownie. It's not fresh-baked or homemade or worthy of too many accolades, but it's a pretty tasty treat if you ask me. Peanut butter and chocolate always work together. Cookies and brownies together aren't bad.

Both the cookie element and brownie element are pleasantly soft and chewy. There's a fairly decent balance of flavors, too. There are actual pieces of peanut in the cookie part and chocolate chips in the brownie. Sonia and I both prefer Trader Joe's Peanut Butter Brookie to the original, but then, we both like peanut butter quite a bit.

$4.49 for 8 kosher cookie-brownie squares. It's a half ounce less in weight than its predecessor. Not sure if that's shrinkflation or if peanut butter cookies are a little lighter than chocolate chip cookies.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Blueberry & Lemon Hand Pies

Blueberries and lemons are two of my favorite fruits. They're maybe my two most favoritest fruits of all time. That's right: most favoritest.

But you don't see them together all the time, do you? I don't know if the combo would work in every context, but it worked well in Trader Joe's Blueberry & Lemon Hand Pies. The sweetness of the blueberries and the tartness of the lemon went quite well with that buttery, bready crust. The blueberry flavor hit right up front while the sour lemon crept up on us slowly after a number of bites.

For the most part, the crust was flavorful and supple. It was a little soggier than I was expecting, particularly in the middle. It was firmer and flakier towards the edges of the pastry—similar to the Apple and Pumpkin Hand Pies. It was almost as if the middle soaked up a bunch of that plentiful filling, which oozed out the sides as I dug into the dessert with my fork.

I wouldn't have minded more whole blueberries in the filing. It was pretty smooth, which is fine, but I was expecting big plump berries that added some texture and burst with flavor when you bit them. All things considered, it was a very tasty baked good, absolutely worth the calorie/fat splurge for a special occasion or cheat day or if you're just not into the whole "fitness thing."

$4.49 for the two pies. It's a little pricy for grocery store fare, but the quality is just about on par with a specialized pastry shop, where you'd probably pay a lot more. Kosher. Would buy again. Shout out to reader April for the rec, who said "they taste like happiness and sunshine." Spot on!

Four stars a piece from Sonia and me on Trader Joe's Blueberry & Lemon Hand Pies.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Glazed Sweet Lemon Scones

I was just daydreaming about lemon-flavored foods and remembered that silly urban legend that some lady named her twin boys Lemonjello and Orangejello after what she was eating in the maternity ward of her hospital, shortly after giving birth. Then I was thinking, "Would I ever name my kid after food? After something lemon-flavored? After Trader Joe's Glazed Sweet Lemon Scones?"

Probably not. But if I did, I'd make it a little discreet. Like I'd name my kid Joseph Lemon Scone Rodgers. There's "Joseph" in there for Trader Joe. And then "Lemon Scone" would be his middle name(s). People would call him Joe L.S. and wonder what the "L.S." stood for.

But even cooler than naming your kid after lemon-flavored food would be to have a band called The Lemon Scones. "We are The Lemon Scones, and we're here to make you think about food and get hungry and stuff! One, two, three, four..." And all their tunes would be about breakfast. I think you could forge an entire career around songs about the most important meal of the day. Maybe they'd have a B-side or two about dessert...but I'm hearing mostly just breakfast ballads. Their first album would be called Breaking the Fast.

Trader Joe's Glazed Sweet Lemon Scones are indeed glazed, sweet, and lemon-flavored. Like nearly all lemon-flavored products from Trader Joe's or anywhere else, my biggest complaint is that it could still use more lemon flavor. These are pleasantly lemony, but the tartness of the lemon is easily overshadowed by the sugary sweetness of the glaze.

Still, they're a carborrific blast of sweet-tart lemon. I like them. I generally like anything that's lemontastic. I love them for breakfast, while a Brit might say they go best with a spot of afternoon tea. I can't go lower than four and a half stars. $4.49 for six kosher scones.

Sonia likes them, too, but maybe not as much as I do. She'll give Trader Joe's Glazed Sweet Lemon Scones three and a half out of five stars.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Coffee & Dark Chocolate Joe-Joe's

At a quick glance, this is at least the 15th iteration of Joe-Joe's sandwich cookies that we've reviewed on this blog. And that's not including the Joe-Joe's derivative products like ice cream, cereal, and beverages that flaunt the Joe-Joe's moniker and/or contain chunks of real Joe-Joe's cookies.

That's a lot of dang cookies.

So if we're tough graders on a perfectly delicious product, it's only because Trader Joe's needs to keep setting the bar higher and higher with each Joe-Joe's product. Because what's the point of introducing new Joe-Joe's and discontinuing old ones if not to offer a better and better cookie?

I mean, honestly, Trader Joe's Joe-Joe's Chocolate Sandwich Cookies with Coffee Creme are really decent treats. They're heavy. Dense. Rich. Sonia likes the word "decadent," but I think it's overused. I mean, it's certainly applicable here, but I feel like the word "indulgent" is more appropriate somehow. I guess they mean about the same thing in the end.

Maybe we're just getting older and more boring but we each had a single cookie from the sleeve and said, "Wow. I'm done." I washed mine down with cold milk. Sonia chased hers with hot coffee. There's just so much sugar and chocolate and cookie and coffee crammed in there, just a few bites are enough to satisfy our sweet tooths. Er, sweet teeth?

There's definitely a mocha vibe. Dark chocolate and real ground coffee beans will do that. I feel like the chocolate is slightly dominant. There's "white confectionary coating" and vanilla flavors in the mix, too, so it's not a bitter dark chocolate flavor at all. It's about as candy-esque as dark chocolate gets. And then there are whispers of coffee here and there, mostly in the creamy core of the cookie.

I'm sure the interzones are ablaze with the praises of Trader Joe's Coffee and Dark Chocolate Joe-Joe's. If it's your first time at the Joe-Joe's rodeo or you just really like mocha stuff, it's a safe bet you're gonna love these. Sonia and I will easily finish the box over the next few days, but we agree it's not a re-purchase for us.

$3.49 for eight cookies. Three and a half stars a piece for <breathes in> Trader Joe's Coffee & Dark Chocolate Joe-Joe's Chocolate Sandwich Cookies with Coffee Creme in a Dark Chocolate and Coffee Coating <breathes out> from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's PB&C Snack Duo

When snacks like this come along, I kinda wish I was in junior high school again, brown bagging my food. I'd pop out a treat like this one and all the kids would be like, "Whoa. What's that? I wanna try it!" And then I'd use the leverage to work out totally unfair lunch table bargains involving entire sandwiches being traded for only a singular exotic cocoa stick dipped in peanut butter. Feel free to give your kids the idea if they aspire to be some kind of cafeteria warlord or something. Or feel free to try it at your place of employment if you work on site. Just be sure to give your boss one stick for free so he'll look the other way as you clean out your co-workers.

Following in the footsteps of Trader Joe's PB&J Snack Duo, this new chocolate and peanut butter creation is the same concept, but with cocoa creme sticks and real peanut butter dip replacing peanut butter wafer sticks and raspberry jelly.

Improvements: the jelly in the last iteration was messy and sticky. The peanut butter in this product is less so. I like my snacks to have a lot of peanut butter flavor, so actual peanut butter is nice. This product seems more filling to me somehow. There's protein in peanut butter, so that could be part of it. And if there's one flavor combo I generally prefer over peanut butter and jelly, it's peanut butter and chocolate.

What's worse: the cocoa creme wafer sticks are okay, but they're nothing to write home about. They remind me a bit of Trader Joe's Petite Cocoa Batons. I guess I prefer the peanut butter creme wafer sticks. But if we had those again here, we'd have to call this product Trader Joe's PB&PB Snack Duo instead of Trader Joe's PB&C Snack Duo.

What's about the same: the sticks still want to snap in half when dunked in the dip. You really have to be gentle and slow, or you have to know exactly where to brace the stick so it won't break. It's a silly complaint, I know. But half of you wouldn't come here if not for the silliness.

In the end, Sonia likes these about the same as the PB&J dealies. And I should mention at this point that the PB&J Snack Duo has become an extremely regular purchase at our house. Like, Sonia picks them up every single time she goes to TJ's. I have a feeling these might become a regular purchase as well.

$3.99 for 6 packs of 8 sticks a piece. Certified kosher. Four and a half stars from Sonia on Trader Joe's PB&C Snack Duo. I guess I'll throw out four like I did for the previous iteration.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Bark

I like my chocolate like I like my women: dark and chunky. 

Ha, no. I can't even right now. I like my women petite, like my Sonia. And I actually prefer white chocolate. I just always wanted to say "I like my women like I like some food or beverage." I tried it once long ago, and it didn't work then either.

Seriously, though: a quick internet search will reveal that dark chocolate is the best kind of chocolate for raising serotonin levels in the body. Among other things, it's the chemical that regulates emotions, appetite, and sleep cycles. So despite a preference for the taste of white or milk chocolate, there are other reasons why I might reach for the dark variety once in a while.

And there's plenty of dark chocolate in this little bag of bark. There are big slabs of the stuff—mostly quadrilateral shapes. I'd say each chunk is at least four bites a piece, and I'd say the vast majority of the product is nothing but chocolate.

There are definitely almond and pretzel bits in every hunk, but the average bite only contains a teensy crumb of either almond or pretzel. It's rare if you get a detectable piece of nut and pretzel in the same bite.

That's my biggest complaint. I like the almond and pretzel presence here. I wish there were a bit more of it.

There's plenty of sea salt, though, in Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Bark. Just a slab or two will make you plenty thirsty. If anything, I think the salt could be toned down some.

I expected Sonia to enjoy this product a lot more than me since she's way more into dark chocolate, but she too wished there were more of the mix-ins throughout the bark and a lot less salt. She gives it three out of five stars.

I give Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Bark three out of five stars, as well. Dark chocolate lovers might like this product more than I did by virtue of the dark chocolate content, but this product could use a little more pizzazz if you ask us. We'll finish the bag easily enough, but it's probably not a repeat purchase. $3.99 for 10 oz of kosher dark chocolate in a resealable bag.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Triple Ginger Pretzels

Truth be told, I'm seldom in the mood for gingery snacks. Gingerbread? Yeah, I'm down with seasonal gingerbread treats, for sure. A touch of ginger in my ice cream? Darn skippy. Ginger beer? Heck yes.

But there's always a risk of ginger overload. We've seen it before in a Trader Joe's cereal as well as a few other places. Raw ginger is quite potent and has the potential to overpower any other flavors in a given product.

So why try Trader Joe's Triple Ginger Pretzels at all you ask? Because maybe ginger goes with pretzels better than I think it will. Maybe the ginger content is super flavorful but somehow not overpowering. Despite my expectations, this could be the most delicious snack I've ever tried. It's all about the adventure.

The pretzels are those same "teeny tiny" ones we've seen a few times from Trader Joe's in recent memory. Again, we've got a resealable bag for convenience, freshness, and that satisfying sensation you get when you feel those two plastic strips lovingly embrace one another.

The pretzels are a nice balance of sweet, salty, and gingery. There's ginger candy, crystallized ginger, and ginger snaps up in the mix. I guess the "ginger candy" is that white confectionery coating that covers the pretzels. It's like ginger-flavored white chocolate. I like it. The ginger snaps add crunch on top of the already crunchy pretzels, and the crystallized ginger gives just a hint of that throat-warming, tingly sensation that raw ginger can sometimes produce. The taste is fairly ginger forward, but the pretzel essence and sweet elements are never totally eclipsed.

All in all, this is a satisfying snack that will surely curb most ginger cravings without going crazy over-the-top into ginger overload territory. This combo works a lot better than I thought it would. Would I buy again? Quite possibly.

About three bucks for 7 oz of miniature pretzels. This will get the same score as the last product we looked at, but this time I'll be a bit more positive than the beautiful wifey. Three and a half out of five stars from Sonia for Trader Joe's Triple Ginger Pretzels. I'll throw out four stars.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10 stars.

Trader Joe's Slightly Coated Dark Chocolate Almonds

Seems like there must have been somebody out there grumbling and whining on the interzones about there being too thick a layer of dark chocolate on Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Almonds or something to that effect. I'm not sure why else Trader Joe's would offer this very specific product. Although I've protested and complained about various Trader Joe's discontinuations, lack of locations, and parking lot situations time and time again and they pretty well ignore me consistently.

"Pay no mind to that arrogant blogger boy and the eight US states that don't have a single Trader Joe's location...but let's be sure to give Karen her dark chocolate almonds that are somewhere in between totally coated and not coated at all." 

Never mind this is at least the fifth type of chocolate covered almond we've reviewed on this blog. I won't even link to the others directly. If you're curious you can type "chocolate almond" into the Search This Blog bar.

Anyhoo, we've got a resealable bag here, which I appreciate since I won't be eating the entire thing in one sitting. It's a 10 oz package for five bucks, which is honestly kinda cheap for nuts in 2023. And it's pretty much what you'd expect after reading the description on the bag: almonds with a bit of dark chocolate and faint saltiness.

I'd prefer more chocolate to be honest. Or milk chocolate. Or cookie butter. But hey, they're only going for "just a little sweet" here. Mission accomplished, I guess. I hope all those folks looking for not-plain-almonds but also not-super-duper-chocolate-coated-almonds are happy. Me? Meh. They're not bad, but I'm generally only in the mood for regular almonds or almonds coated with a normal amount of chocolate. Three stars from this guy for Trader Joe's Slightly Coated Dark Chocolate Almonds. Four from the beautiful wifey.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Maple Pancake Snaps

Wait. Didn't we just look at these things like two weeks ago? It's like deja vu all over again. Ah, no. Those were Maple Pancake Puffs. These are Maple Pancake Snaps.

Same basic flavor in a different format. At first glance, the nutrition information looks comparable to the puffs, but if you look a little longer, you'll notice these cookies have more saturated fat, cholesterol, sodium, and added sugars. So I'd say they're definitely a tad more indulgent in case you're watching your figure or concerned about your health or something silly like that.

But are they worth it? Well...that's just going to come down to individual preference. I think I liked the puffs better, honestly. Conversely, I don't dislike these cookies. They have the same mapley, buttery flavor as their predecessor. There's also a touch of cinnamon this time around, which is nice.

The cookies are slightly oily to the touch, but they're mostly just crunchy and crumbly, not unlike a typical ginger snap, texture-wise. They don't come neatly in rows, wrapped in cellophane as some other Trader Joe's cookies do, but rather these come all jumbled up in a big, non-resealable plastic sack as shown in the picture above.

$3.99 for about 54 bite-sized cookies. These treats are unique and tasty enough that they'll find their fans and devotees. I just don't think that's us. The box says a serving size is about six cookies. Each time I've reached for them, I've tired of the taste and texture after only two or three—in stark contrast to the puffs version.

While not hating on them, Sonia is equally unimpressed with Trader Joe's Maple Pancake Snaps as she was with the puffs. Three out of five stars from her. I'll have to downgrade my score by a star or so, since I think the original snack was better, more unique, and more impressive overall. Three and a half out of five stars from me.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Sriracha Sprinkle Seasoning Blend

Second only to ketchup, sriracha might be my favorite condiment of all time. Unlike ketchup, however, I didn't grow up with it. I think I discovered it in the mid-2000's, when I was a daring twenty-something roaming the streets of Los Angeles, discovering new foods and new adventures each and every week. It was undoubtedly Vegan Glory or some other top-notch Southland Thai-style restaurant where I first partook of sriracha's tangy, fermented flavor and spicy zing.

My sinuses had been lulled to sleep slowly over those first couple years in the arid air of Southern California, and sriracha helped snap my sense of smell and taste buds back to life. Since the late 2000's or so, Sonia and I have perpetually had a bottle of the stuff on hand in our kitchen.

That said, I was similarly disappointed with Trader Joe's Sriracha Sprinkle Seasoning Blend like I was with the ketchup sprinkle, although not to the same degree. I'll get the negative out of the way first: there's just no way this stuff is as good as real sriracha. Not even close.

But that said, most of my remaining thoughts are positive. It's spicy, though there's a different feeling to the heat here. The first ingredient in this seasoning blend is garlic, while the first ingredient in traditional sriracha is generally chiles.

Sriracha just tastes and feels like super flavorful, liquefied hot chiles, and of course, it's brilliant. Trader Joe's Sriracha Sprinkle Seasoning Blend tastes mostly like garlic powder mixed with cayenne pepper. There's a hint of vinegar in there, too, but it's fairly understated and undetectable.

I feel like I might have enjoyed this product a bit more if it weren't called "sriracha" since I get my hopes up every time I see "sriracha" plastered on a food product. If it had been called Trader Joe's Garlic and Cayenne Spicy Seasoning Blend, I might have been pleasantly surprised rather than slightly let down.

And once again, if the apocalypse finally arrives and the supply chain breaks down and real sriracha is nowhere to be found, I must say this seasoning will certainly be better than no sriracha at all...but that's not really saying that much. Sonia feels the same.

$2.99 for the 2.5 oz shaker. Three stars from me for Trader Joe's Sriracha Sprinkle Seasoning Blend. Sonia will throw out three and a half.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Riced Hearts of Palm

Trader Joe's is discovering that hearts of palm are nearly as versatile as cauliflower. We've already looked at Trader Joe's Hearts of Palm Pasta, and I've already given my contemplative spiel about palm trees, so this time we'll just jump right into the food review.

Inside the box, there's a plastic pouch full of the riced hearts of palm. After snipping the corner or top of the pouch, you have to squeeze the contents out in the manner of toothpaste from a tube. They land in your saucepan resembling a lumpy wet mass. Not particularly appetizing. The smell is odd and excessively planty, similar to the pasta version, but not something that's familiar otherwise. Again, not particularly appetizing.

After heating, however, the product improves drastically both in smell and appearance. The aroma gets richer and more earthy, almost squash-like. The little palm pieces start to resemble actual rice as the liquids are partially cooked away.

The finished product is still a little wetter than actual rice somehow. The pieces are slightly more gelatinous than grainy. Still, they're quite edible. They need some fixins, though. The box recommends serving the dish with olive oil, veggies, and spices. I tried experimenting with a bunch of TJ's seasonings but nothing stood out head and shoulders above the others.

I like traditional rice the best. And I'd probably take riced cauliflower over this stuff. Still, this isn't a bad option. I wouldn't go out of my way to purchase Trader Joe's Riced Hearts of Palm again, but if someone served it to me as a side dish, I would eat it without complaint.

$3.49 for the 9 oz package. Vegan. Gluten free. Three and a half stars a piece from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Ketchup Flavored Sprinkle Seasoning Blend

When I was a kid, people used to tell me, "Your taste buds will change, Nathan, and you'll grow to love tomatoes." Yuck. Raw tomatoes never did it for me. I would eat all manner of fruits and even most veggies as a young kid, but I could never get into the taste of raw tomato.

Now, ketchup, on the other hand, was an absolute staple of my diet. I was fine with tomato soup, tomato sauce, and tomato everything—just not the fruit they were all derived from. Due to food allergies and sensitivities, I'd often have nothing but a plain burger for breakfast as a child. No bread. No cheese. It was sometimes beef, but often bison or something more exotic. As long as I could have it with ketchup, I was a happy camper.

I'd put ketchup on fries, scrambled eggs, hash browns, and pretty much any kind of meat. I loved the stuff. I still do, although I prefer hot sauce on eggs and hash browns now. But if Sonia and I get burgers and fries, I absolutely need a bunch of ketchup to go with my food.

So I simply assumed I'd love Trader Joe's Ketchup Sprinkle Seasoning Blend. Powdered ketchup. Why not?

But I don't love it. And I can't quite put my finger on why it's nowhere near as good as real ketchup. So far I've only tried it on fries and burgers. It doesn't really work in either case.

The beautiful wifey tried to stay positive and pointed out that if for some reason the apocalypse comes and fresh ketchup is no longer available and we've used up all our spare packets from fast food places, that Trader Joe's Ketchup Flavored Sprinkle Seasoning Blend would be better than nothing. Yeah, I guess. I'm reluctant to even give it that much credit. But yeah. If real ketchup were to suddenly vanish from the earth, I guess this ketchup-themed condiment would be better than nothing at all.

It tastes like powdered tomato and sugar. Weirdly, I feel like it tastes more like tomato than actual ketchup does. Maybe that's why I don't like it that much. Maybe folks who actually like the taste of tomato, like Sonia, will enjoy this more than I do. It's just a theory, but I think there may be something to it.

I would never purchase this again. It's worse than the worst real ketchup I've ever had: the ketchup from fast food restaurants in Europe. Their ketchup is like three quarters vinegar. Blech.

Time will tell whether Sonia likes it enough to use it up and get another shaker. My gut says she won't use it much, if at all. She'll give it a decent score, though. Three and a half stars from her.

$2.99 for the 2.6 oz shaker. I'll give Trader Joe's Ketchup Seasoning Blend two out of five stars. Better than no ketchup at all...but that's as far as I'll go.

Bottom line: 5.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Apple Chip Duo

It's a little scary if you think about it, but I asked ChatGPT to write a review of Trader Joe's Apple Chip Duo and in mere seconds, it composed a multi-paragraph blog post style review of a product featuring two types of apple chips that was grammatically-correct, intelligible, and about half as long as the average food review on this blog. 

It wasn't particularly engaging, however. I mean, that's the only saving grace here. I hope I have a bit more personality than an online artificial intelligence robot. It just goes to show that you can have perfect spelling, perfect grammar, and still not have what it takes to be a successful writer. You gotta have some heart. You gotta have opinions. You gotta have weird stories. And it doesn't hurt to say "gotta" once in a while instead of "have to."

I'd copy and paste the OpenAI-generated review here, but I'm not sure about copyrights and things like that. I guess I can quote a sentence or two just to give you a flavor of what it wrote: "The baked cinnamon apple chips are equally as tasty, with a crisp, crunchy texture and a warm, cinnamon flavor that is simply irresistible. They're a great option for people who are looking for a low-fat and low-sugar snack that is still sweet and satisfying."

The funny thing is that there are no baked cinnamon apple chips here. Apparently the details of the product were simply fabricated on the spur of the moment by the A.I. The two types of chips in the bag are, according to the ingredients, "red apples" and "green apples." I wasn't sure what the "duo" mentioned on the bag was referring to until after I purchased the product and really looked at the packaging. The red apples are indeed sweet and the green apples tart.

Texture-wise, both types of apple chips are completely dehydrated. The ChatGPT assumed the chips would be both "crunchy" and "juicy." I had to laugh out loud at that. It was half right. They are crunchy, brittle, and quite dry, like many of Trader Joe's other freeze dried offerings.

As far as being "low-fat" and "low-sugar," it's definitely right on the fat front. Zero grams of fat. There are 35g of total sugars, but all of it is natural. No sugars added.

Sonia likes these a tad more than I do. I prefer some of TJ's other dried fruits. $2.49 for 2oz of dehydrated apples. Four stars from the beautiful wifey. Three stars from me on Trader Joe's Apple Chip Duo.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.