Trader Joe's Meter Long Beer Bratwurst

Alright, alright, alright. Let's be upfront and get this out of the way already here.Yes, there's a lot of jokes that can be made about a, ahem, sausage of this size. No, I'm not going to repeat any of them here. One of my buddies and I sure made enough of them on New Year's Eve when I brought over Trader Joe's Meter Long Beer Bratwurst, much to the annoyance of our two much more lovely, much more mature, and absolutely more sober wives. We had our meat, we had our drink, we had our fun, now it's time to get down to the business of reviewing this fairly significant feat o' meat...

Hrmm, "Feat o' Meat" - that has a nice ring to it. I like it. How about naming it that, or similarly, "Three Feet of Meat"? If you must stick to that silly, worldly, completely logical metric system. how about "Meat-er Long Brat"? C'mon, it's quite possibly the longest, most readily-commercially available meat product out there - have some fun with it!

Relatedly, I may have just blown any chance of ever landing a gig with the Fearless Flyer. Drats.

This one heckuva monu-meat-al achievement though. As in, it's a seriously good brat. As you can easily tell from my picture, my buddy Nick tossed it on the grill for about a good 20 to 25 mins, flipping halfway through, to get a good, charred, cracked casing. In my opinion, that's really the only way to cook such a thing. The end result was positively mouthwatering: hot, sizzly, juicy, like a sausagey siren bent on leading me and my diet astray. Like any bratwurst worth the name, TJ's beer brat is a good mix of both pork and beef - I can't say exact ratio, but noticeably more pork. It's a good blend, though - not too grainy or rubbery like some I've had, but even and intact inside the pork casing.

And, of course, there's beer! Due to silly Quaker-heritage Pennsylvania laws, I haven't had the pleasure of Trader Joe's Vintage Ale too very often, so had to look up what the experts have to say about it. Hrmm, okay, yeasty, bready, some "banana esters" (whatever those are)...okay, I kinda remember that one I had a couple years back. To be honest, I didn't pick up too much of the actual beer flavor in the brats, but I'm willing to bet that's more my palate's shortcomings, as I rarely can in any beer brat. I mean, there was some beery aspects, but not enough to make it super noticeable or give me pause. I more noticed the paprika and peppery aspects than any beer ones. That's all well and good, since the flavor is mild enough to make it prime for pairing with any of your favorite sauces or mustard or whatever, while still enjoyable enough to consume straight up..

All to say, I really enjoyed shuffling off this meat-al coil. I definitely ate more of it than I intended to, I think - my intake modulator wasn't working that night. Good thing it's a great deal - it's over a pound and a half, and costs only $6.99. I'm pretty sure I've seen it around for a while, so hopefully it'll continue to stick around for a bit. Both Sandy and I are wavering around a 4 to a 4.5, so let's call it one of each.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Meter Long Beer Bratwurst: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons    

Trader Joe's A Complete Salad: Kale & Hemp Seeds

Happy New Year!!!!!!

Two lucrative industries come January 1: Gyms and salads. Not a bad idea after all that holiday splurge anyways. For the latter, Trader Joe's has been making it easier with their A Complete Salad line to have a healthy, tasty, delicious salad ready to grab, rip, and gobble down, and the newest entry, Kale & Hemp Seeds, is not an exception.

Abundant kale with a little red cabbage. Almonds. Dried minced dates. A couple big shards of parmesan cheese. All topped with a light lemon vinaigrette that nicely ties everything together. To be honest, I didn't notice the hemp seeds much if at all - they don't taste like much, and any crunch could have easily been an almond instead. But they're in there, and probably good for you, so there you go.

Our only real knock was the lack of mix-ins. So much kale, and plenty enough dressing, but a lot of bites were just those two ingredients. Really, doubling the nuts et al would have been welcome. Still, for $4.49, it made one heckuva good dinner salad that if inspired differently would have great with some grilled chicken or shrimp tossed in. Sandy also would have preferred a couple varieties of greens instead of straight-up kale as well. No matter, pretty darn good as is.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's A Complete Salad: Kale & Hemp Seeds: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Trader Joe's Sauerkraut with Pickled Persian Cucumbers

2015: A year of a lot of achievements and milestones. Turned 33, celebrated sixth anniversary with my lovely bride, had a third and a first birthday in the house, hit the 100 pound weight loss mark, three years of the daylight job I tolerate, five years of the moonlight one I love (hint: this one!) complete with new podcast, and one, big, large, very expensive roof replacement job (ugh!).

On a much smaller scale of importance, but much more pertinent to this here review: I've learned to really like sauerkraut. Truth be told, I've spent most of my existence trying to outright avoid the pungent cabbage concoction that had me gag at the thought of it. but then: one night, at Hofbrauhaus, I forgot to mention I didn't want it as a side, so out it came. Now, I'm a believer in trying something you don't like every once in a while, just to see if you still don't like it, so I gave it the ol' college heave-ho....delicious. Then had it again on some kielbasa while apple picking when I "forgot" it might be on there. Then again at a church potluck. Then, on a whim, when out at Penn Brewery, the German-inspired brewery here in the 'burgh. Each time: Yum. Go figure.

Anyways, since it's New Years, and sauerkraut is a time honored tradition that's been with us longer than Dick Clark (I miss him more each year - go away, Ryan Seacrest), here's some Trader Joe's Sauerkraut. In the refrigerated section for $3.99. Of course, it being TJ's, it can't be played straight, hence the "with Pickled Persian Cucumbers" part tacked on. Also, unlike many store brands, this is raw instead of being heated to prolong shelf life before being schlepped in a can, therefore retaining a lot of the good bacteria that our tummies like after a weeklong Christmas cookie binge.

Well, that's all good and all, but how's it taste? Very...pickle-y. Especially those cucumbers, which are chopped up button style and intersparsed throughout the shredded cabbage thicket in each jar. Those bites straddle a line between cucumbery sweetness and garlicky wallop which can take you by surprise on first bite. The cabbage part isn't quite as pungent, but still packs a sharpness amidst the firm, crunchy shreds. Naturally there's a pretty decent amount of salt in here, but the garlic pokes through quite a bit, especially when any cucumbers are involved, making this a fairly different kinda deal from any other sauerkraut I've had, which admittedly isn't much, but still.

I could not pay Sandy to try sauerkraut. She just won't. But much to my surprise, her mom (who lives with us) did. She's...how do I say this?...very used to her foods being a certain way, and so, she bristles at most Trader Joe's offerings because they're not what she's used to. A shorter way to say this would be "picky" but that doesn't quite explain the depth this goes to. Yet, she tried this without much hesitation, when I asked her if she'd like to so she'd know if she needed to procure her preferred sauerkraut for New Year's. It had a little much garlic for her, but she liked it enough that we'll be splitting the rest of the jar come pork roast time. 3.5 from her. Maybe in 2016, I can slowly continue the conversion process....I don't like sad Germans, so I'm going with a near perfect 4.5 for this sauerkraut.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Sauerkraut with Pickled Persian Cucumbers: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Trader Joe's Sticky Toffee Pudding

A month or two ago, some readers mentioned both this product and the Sticky Toffee Cheddar Cheese in the comment section below my review of TJ's Rustic Apple Tarte. I agreed to try this pudding item if Russ tried its much riskier cheddar cheese counterpart. He did. So here I am to honor my delicious end of that completely unfair bargain. (Thanks, Russ!)

We were planning on having this for dessert over the Christmas holiday weekend, but when it came time to eat Christmas dinner, we realized we had vast amounts of desserts, cookies, and other goodies that could surely last us well into the new year. Plus, with one less mouth to feed (rest in peace, Mom) the food would most likely be devoured even more slowly than in years past. 

So, after putting a dent in all of our more perishable holiday treats, we finally got to this delicious pudding Monday night as a sort of midnight snack after our regular bi-weekly podcast recording. And since it was late, neither Sonia nor I wanted to consume many calories before bedtime, but man, we really had to exercise some willpower not to eat the whole thing. The readied product looks like it just emerged from a fancy jello mold, although we failed to snap a picture at that particular juncture, and instead captured what the product will look like after being divvied up among many hungry holiday guests.

It's like a delicious bread pudding, but full of yummy dates and covered in this amazing liquid toffee syrup. Just imagine a Heath bar, sans the chocolate, but melted into this perfectly smooth, sticky, butterscotch-esque topping. It's absolutely divine.

At around $4 a box, it's not too pricey. It supposedly serves two, although with the amount of fat and calories it packs, you might want to spread it around to the whole family. The packaging specifies microwave preparation in just a couple minutes. I think it might be a seasonal item, but I'm not sure. If so, well...then most of you folks will probably have to wait until next year to pick it up. But Sonia and I are here to tell you it's definitely worth it. You've heard all that fuss about "figgy pudding" in that Christmas carol. Well, bring us some more datey pudding, and bring some right here.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Artisan Bread Pretzel Croissants

A year ago at this time, I was making some big ol' fuss about the paleo diet I was trying out and avoid grains this, no carbs that...blahblahblah. Probably drove some of ya nuts. Sorry to drag out the past out into the light.

Well, I'm not exactly following it any more. Don't get me wrong, I still have some caveman-esque diet tendencies...but I like carbs again. Well, never stopped liking them. But I gotta make sure they're a worthwhile indulgence. Hey, I worked hard to knock off a hundred pounds, I'd like to keep them off, all those Christmas cookies be darned. p.s. - Mom, keep them coming!

So...Trader Joe's now has what they're calling their Artisan Bread Pretzel Croissants. Gotta admit, I perked right up when I head that. Must. Try. I love croissants - light, flaky, crispy - and when I think soft pretzels, I think of the traditional Philly style - tough, dense, chewy - so to see how those two would combine carbo-forces into some interesting hy-bread, well, $2.49 for a two pack seemed a worthy investment.

These are some big guys. When I opened the bag there was the familiar deep salty/yeasty aroma of a soft pretzel, except a little lighter and perhaps more buttery. The exterior of each large palm sized pretssant (ugh, that doesn't work) looked much alike the skin of most typical pretzel rolls, except, well, croissant shaped. As for firmness, well, decidedly the crotzels (oh goodness, that's even worse) were much in the middle, again like a pretzel bun.

I am so sorry for quite possibly entering the word "crotzel" into the English lexicon.

Moving on, both Sandy and I had the same idea for these: Breakfast sandwiches. Slicing them proved to be a challenge, due to the flaky nature of their croissant heritage. But we were both able to get a decent sized slab to go on either side of our sausage and eggs...and fell into pretssanwich (I need to stop) heaven. Both the nature of a pretzel and the elements of a croissant were almost equally present. How can something be flaky but chewy at the same time? I don't know...but sure enough, each bite was soft and buttery at first, but quickly turned into something a little more chewable when mashed between the molars. Despite the initial flakiness when slicing, our sandwichable slabs did an excellent job of holding on to their innards. Tastewise, they perhaps veered slightly more towards pretzel, but still, so much butteriness....yum.

Both Sandy and I liked them quite a bit, and personally, I'm pretty happy that we got two bags of them, only for the kiddos and the mom-in-law to not be willing to try them for whatever silly reason. They instead opted for plain white toast. Ugh.  More for us. And that's a good thing. No real complaints here, but a little sprinkle of kosher salt on top of these would have been killer. Definitely worth the pick-up. Double fours.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Artisan Bread Pretzel Croissants: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons     

Trader Joe's Gingerbread Flavor Dog Treats

It's another dog treat review! As has been the case with all of our mostly-pointless pet treat reviews, the dogs inhale the treats with reckless abandon despite the fact that they're clearly optimized for larger dogs. However, in this case, the cute gingerbread man shapes lend themselves to easy bite-size snacks for small dogs by simply decapitating and/or amputating limbs from the hapless cookie men. Be sure to click on the video, because this one features beautiful Christmas decorations, animals wearing hats, and my lovely wife eating dog food! Enjoy!



Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Butternut Squash Parmigiana

Isn't this a fall item, you ask? 

Perhaps. Butternut squash does seem rather "harvesty," but in actuality, it's a winter squash. And when it's parmigianafied and topped with crunchy amaretti, it's downright delicious.

After reading the box thoroughly, we discovered that the included tray is, in fact, "ovenable." Thanks to TJ's, that word is now part of the American lexicon and we shall no longer have to thread together really awkward phrases like, "can be put in the oven confidently without fear of bursting into flames." So we did. We ovened the tray. And then we ate the dish straight out of the tray. One person could easily consume this dish by him or herself, but hey, it's the holiday season and sharing stuff with people you love is all the rage apparently.

It's hearty, flavorful, and slightly sweet. I'm not sure what we were expecting, but Sonia and I were both very pleasantly surprised when we shared this double-serving tray of gourmet butternut brilliance. I guess cheese, squash, and cookie crumbs were the last three things either of us would have ever thought to merge into a single dish. But somehow it works. 

To describe the taste to you would be extremely difficult, since I've never had anything quite like it before. It actually tastes like its constituent parts, but they blend together oh so much better than I would have ever imagined.  It's a bit on the fattening side for a vegetable-based meal, but if you're an adventurous eater, we think it's absolutely worth a try. I'm sure we're bound to get some dissenting opinions on this one, but as for Sonia and me, we're fans.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Giotto's Panettone French Toast

It hasn't been all that long since our last panettone review. And since that review was posted two months ago, it has come to my attention that panettone bread makes excellent French toast. I had no idea. In fact, a reader commented and asked if I thought it would make good French toast. At the time, I said my admittedly not-so-confident guess was no. That just goes to show you that my culinary instincts are still solidly in the "foodie-hack" category and have not evolved far beyond that at this point in our Trader Joe's food product rating adventure.

Other readers posted comments on this blog as well as the Facebook page that the product did, in fact, make excellent French toast. I was curious about trying to make it myself, however, doing that would have involved cooking. There would have been eggshells all through my eggy bread. Sonia does enough around here, so I didn't try to twist her arm into making it for me, although the idea crossed my mind on more than one occasion.

Fortunately, Trader Joe's thought about all the culinarily-handicapped folks like myself and went ahead and made the French toast version on our behalf. Thanks, TJ's! Granted, this particular product is much more similar to French-toastified Panettone Classico, a product we looked at a couple years ago, rather than French-toastified Pumpkin Panettone (but maybe we can look forward to that for Fall 2016??)

Also since that Pumpkin Panettone review, I was made aware that we had been pronouncing "panettone" wrong the whole time. You're actually supposed to pronounce the "e" at the end, kind of like in the word "minestrone." Those zany Italianos. In the Panettone Classico review, I wrote a terza rima love poem to the product. I took great pride in the fact that my rhyme and meter was nearly perfect, but now that I know there's an extra syllable in the word "panettone," my iambic pentameter is completely ruined.

But let's get back to the product at hand, shall we? Because it's excellent. I like it better than any other French toast or panettone product I've had from Trader Joe's. We followed some advice that Sonia found online and heated it in the microwave, melted a nice dollop of butter on each slice, and dusted with confectioner's sugar. It's convenient and simple...and amazingly delicious. The toast slices are vastly more practical than the bizarre, though presumably more traditional, bell shapes we've seen in the other two panettone products. And I always thought Trader Joe's French Toast lacked a special zip. Well, the raisins and citrus peels in this panettone version were apparently exactly what it needed, because they blended surprisingly well with the egg and bread flavors here. 

Sonia and I both agree this is a "two-thumbs-up" product. She thinks the egg batter really makes the panettone bread more palatable, not that she had any major problems with the non-French toast versions. If you were hesitant to try the actual Panettone Classico or Pumpkin Panettone, this product is a great "gateway" food into the world of the festive Italian candied fruit cake. Four stars from Sonia. A near-perfect four and a half from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader José's Handcrafted Chocolate Raspberry Tamales

Please forgive my complete ignorance when I ask this question, but I seriously do not know the answer: Are dessert tamales an actual thing?

Yes, I know, you can do Google searches to find recipes to make your own. And of course, there's the fine fellows pictured to right - getting to them in just a minute here. But I've been to Mexico a couple times, have eaten many tamales down there...and all were delicious but decidedly undesserty. Same with Sandy. So do they exist elsewhere, or is this some gringo invention that came to be just because it sounded too darn good to not try?

Regardless of their origin, we've seen a lot of buzz about Trader Jose's Handcrafted Chocolate Raspberry Tamales on the interwebs. I was definitely intrigued, too, when Sandy snapped a pic of them while shopping one day while I was at work. Though we weren't sure what exactly to expect - corn masa-fied chocolate and fruit sounds potentially delicious but a little odd, perhaps - we knew we had to try.

Oh, good call. Good, good call. Listen: they may not be the prettiest treat when all done (especially after steaming them, like we did), but these tamales are downright delicioso. We got chocolate coming at ya two ways here: Cocoa powder in the masa and chocolate chunks in the middle. When prepared, those chunks melt down to a smooth, warm, almost fudgy filling. And corn mixed with chocolate isn't that weird when you think about it - I mean, Cocoa Puffs, right? But unlike the chosen cereal of my youth, these tamales feature a darker, more subdued variety of chocolate flavor, which pairs very well with the not-too-sweet/not-too-tart raspberry parts. I kinda wish these had a little more raspberry, to be honest, but the balance was approximate enough to not get me too riled up. There's definitely an added touch of cinnamon, too, which adds just a little nice subtle dimension.

One thing: These are a m-e-s-s mess mess mess. I've mastered eating most other tamales by hand without too much trouble, but with the chocolate ozzing and goozing everywhere, and the whole tamale being perhaps a little less structurally sound in its not-quite-brownie/not-quite-cake state of masa-matter (cocoa's fault?), you gotta go at these Aristrocrat style. Yup, a fork and plate. not a big deal, but if you're tired of constantly unloading and reloading the dishwasher, well, here's another dish. At least we have a dishwasher...learned the hard way sophomore year of college.

Not gonna lie: Sandy and I are plotting to stock the freezer with 'em. For only a buck each tamale for a four pack, it's a definite dessert win. However inspired, muchas gracias, Jose, mi amigo de comida.

Bottom line: Trader Jose's Handcrafted Chocolate Raspberry Tamales: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Winter Wassail

I don't think it's ever come up on this blog before, but I was a band geek back in the day—a proud band geek. I played sousaphone in marching band. In December 1995, our 125-piece unit, including color guard and drum majors, loaded onto a plane and flew to Orlando, FL for the band trip of a lifetime. We marched in the Citrus Bowl Parade and took part in a few festivities right in the Disney parks. 

One of the highlights: a meal at King Henry's Feast, a now-defunct Medieval Times ripoff featuring live jousting, whole turkey legs served right on the bone, and an open invitation to refer to your waitress as "wench." I don't recall the beverage we were wassailing with—it may very well have been Coca-cola or something lame like that—but part of the program involved our host, King Henry, shouting out, "All Hail!" and we'd respond in kind, our cheap tin goblets raised high above our heads, "Wassail!" and then we'd take a drink.

Our feast fell on one of the days immediately following Christmas, and the "banquet hall" there in Orlando was still decorated for the holidays, so I've always remembered the word "wassail" as something very Christmassy and medieval. Apparently, we had been wishing one another "good health" and imploring some Anglo-Saxon gods to give us another good apple harvest the following year—or Coke harvest, as the case may have been.

Whatever that beverage was I was wassailing with those 20 years ago, it wasn't anything like what TJ's has offered us in this Winter Wassail. Because if it had been anything like this, I most certainly would have remembered it more vividly. Not just because this Winter Wassail is delicious, but because it's so unique. It's everything that the Spiced Cranberry Cider should have been, and then some. Granted, there's no cranberry juice, but it's sweet, tart, spicy, and has three types of real fruit juices.

The finish still has the faintest whisper of potpourri and spice drops, but I imagine it's not quite the same as drinking a scented candle, unlike the above-mentioned cranberry cider. It's super versatile: it can be consumed hot or cold (I prefer it cold), with or without cinnamon, and I hear it mixes pretty well with various alcoholic additives, including most red wines. It just tastes like Christmas smells. The Shellys apparently liked it even more than we did, as I was instructed to give it a good score or else my privilege to review it would be revoked. Sonia and I are on the same page here. Are double fours high enough, Russ and Sandy? :-p

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Taste Test of Caramels

Want an exquisite tasting adventure and high stakes competition...all in one? You're sure in luck with Trader Joe's Taste Test of Caramels. For $5.99, you get a twelve pack of fine, dark chocolate-coated ooey gooey caramels in all sorts of delectable flavors like maple, fig and honey, and double espresso...but which is which??? Now, there's the fun! 

As recommended, Sandy and I chilled the caramels in the freezer for a bit to ease the slicing and dicing process one evening while visiting my folks, my sister and her boyfriend. Pro tip: For a crowd bigger than four, get another box - slicing these roughly smaller-than-an-inch cubes into representative bites smaller than a fourth is not an easy task. If you don't get quite the right bite, it's amazing how closely blood orange balsamic can taste like strawberry black pepper. But oh what fun. 

We sampled each, listed our wagers, and at the end, compared our answers against the master key included - the only one we all agreed on was the chili pepper. My sister, local pastry/dessert chef legend, and my mom, home culinary genius, led the scores with *only* eight right each. Sandy and I got seven correct, my dad six...and my sister's boyfriend won the participation award with only three right! Well, I filled all of his with toothpaste, actually, so he's as lucky a guesser as he is good a sport. 

All caramels were delicious and thankfully nothing like those awful pumpkin spice abominations. Be adventurous and snag your own box(es) of gamble caramels - definitely worth the pick up.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Taste Test of Caramels: 9 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Trader Joe's Peppermint Joe-Joe's Ice Cream

Yes, I have ventured back into the dangerous realm of reviewing frozen peppermint products just before Thanksgiving. Why exactly is it dangerous? I'm glad you asked.

It's "dangerous" because I risk being lynched by the huge, uncompromising camp that will insist this is a Christmas product and should not be reviewed until after Turkey Day. While I understand where these folks are coming from, I must argue that it's not me that should bear the brunt of their indignation, but Trader Joe himself for offering this product so far ahead of the official Yuletide season. Furthermore, one should consider why, in the first place, peppermint must be associated solely with Noel and not any other holidays or seasons. I think at this point in our culture, Thanksgiving has been inextricably woven into the beginning of the Christmas season and should begin to reflect its standing as the kickoff of Pre-Advent and the full-contact shopping season. But that doesn't give us an excuse to skip over the giving thanks part. We should be thankful in all circumstances. And trust me, there is always something to be thankful for.

So..there's that. Aaand there was also this incident...er, I mean post, two years ago about another peppermint product, the name of which I shan't even utter on here. It's a "please don't click that link" type of situation, indeed. But I know the more I tell you not to click it, the more you'll be inclined to do so anyway. The post was declared "immature," "particularly gratingly snarky," and "far from your best writing." One reader even stopped reading our blog because of it and stopped listening to the podcast at the mere mention of this most-horrific post! Well, Karen, I encourage you to come back and give us another chance—for Russ's posts, if not for mine.

But, thankfully, history did not repeat itself. Here, we find a perfectly pleasant peppermint product completely free of gelatin and made with milk from cows not treated with rBST. Sound delicious already? It is. It's got swirls of pork-free pink peppermint ice cream and good old, classic cookies n' cream ice cream. And it's chock-full of large chunks of actual Candy Cane Joe-Joe's, a product so popular, it has its own Facebook fan page. I really like the blend they put together here. It's one of the best mint ice creams I've ever had—right up there with Bittersweet Mint from the dear old PSU creamery.

Both Sonia and I are huge fanatics of cookies n' cream, and both of us agree that's the best part of this ice cream. Sonia thinks there's a little too much peppermint ice cream. I kind of agree, although I don't think the peppermint ice cream ruins the mix by any means, particularly if you're in the mood for mint. I wouldn't have been completely heartbroken had it been Candy Cane Joe-Joe's in cookies n' cream ice cream, with no peppermint ice cream up in there, but that's probably because I'm such a big fan of cookies n' cream. 

The only other negative I can think of is that they did sneak some carrageenan into this ice cream, unfortunately. I realize there's a debate about just how harmful carrageenan is, if at all, but if I don't point it out, someone will call me out on it in the comments section below. It's something I'd just as soon avoid if there were a carrageenan-free option readily available.

But whether you save it for December or have it for dessert over Thanksgiving weekend, if you're into mint ice creams at all, I think this is a worthy purchase. I give it four stars. Sonia's gonna go with three and a half again. Happy Thanksgiving, and THANK YOU all for reading.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Sriracha Potato Chips

Over the past year or so, Trader Joe's has been releasing a steady stream of sriracha products, starting, of course, with Sriracha Sauce. We've also seen Sriracha Ranch Dressing, Sriracha Garlic BBQ Sauce, and even Sriracha Bacon. 

On parallel, yet completely unrelated lines, TJ's has offered us a line of fancy potato chip flavors, including Turkey and Stuffing, Ghost Pepper, and South African Style Seasoning varieties. I guess it's inevitable that the two would eventually meet, join forces, and yield the sweet love child of sriracha and potato in the form of these delicious, spicy chips.

The bold red packaging features a familiar, menacing dragon that some TJ's fans think resembles a cat. Sure, I can see where they're coming from. If the lion is the king of the jungle and the housecat is the king of the internet, then perhaps Trader Joe's just latched on to those concepts of royalty in an attempt to create the "king of the cupboard." And they put forth a brilliant effort in this foodie-hack's humble opinion.

The attack is salty and sweet, and a moment later, a big, fearless wave of tangy sriracha flavor bowls your tongue right off its feet. I mean, tongues don't have feet...but if they did, boy. The spice level is nice and strong, as someone who likes a little heat. As mentioned in a recent podcast episode, the only weakness I, personally, saw with the Turkey and Stuffing chips (reviewed here by my courageous culinary compatriot, Russ) was that they were flat, kettle-style chips rather than firm, ridged or lattice-style chips. The potato chip gods heard my cries and graciously lavished me with some super-crunchtastic, ridgey, lattice-cut chips. I think the texture of these chips is just about perfect. Not too long ago, I reviewed some other very decent sriracha potato chips. But as good as they were, these Trader Joe's chips are most definitely superior.

The first chip or two out of the bag doesn't blast your tongue with pain, but after snacking for a while, the spiciness builds up and—while not anywhere close to the realm of "I'm in pain, I can't eat anymore!" —one might find him or herself craving a glass of water or milk. People with particular sensitivity to spicy foods may want to steer clear completely. I can't compare these to the Ghost Pepper chips because, once again, Russ beat me to the review, and they're currently not available at any of our local TJ's. (Nor are the Turkey and Stuffing chips, FYI.) My friendly Trader Joe's checkout clerk today said that every month or two, a new chip flavor would appear on TJ's shelves—and she didn't come right out and say it, but she implied that an old flavor would disappear just as frequently. Well, Big Joe, my vote is that these particular chips stay. Year round. Please. They're not Thanksgivingy or Christmassy at all...so maybe keep them around just to see how they do in other seasons, hmm?

Sonia wasn't as impressed as I was. Her comments: "They remind me of Chinese food, but they're not spicy." Three and a half stars from her. Four and a half stars from me.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Turkey Kit

Note from Russ: We have a special guest blogger today - my wife Sandy! Yes, she exists, and not just when I make fun of her mercilessly. Enjoy!

 

I love Pinterest, and I’ve spent a lot of late nights pinning away. Recipes, sewing projects, cleaning tips...you name it, I’ve pinned it. Now, if you’ve ever actually read half of the blogs that are most often pinned, you’ll notice that most of them are by stay at home moms with a bunch of kids and they all somehow live in spotlessly clean houses, and are able to get a three course meal ready for dinner, while still having time to be elaborate crafters and top notch photographers.

I’ve recently joined the SAHM ranks. It’s been exactly three months since I’ve left my job. My house is not spotless. Russ is lucky to get a hot dinner with some frozen peas (M’s favorite) when he gets home. And, with my new birthday gift of a craft table, I’m working on the elaborate crafts, and you’ve all seen my photographs - well, they're better than the ones Russ used to snap with his crappy phone. I have a board of projects that I’ve actually tried out and most of them have been successful. One of the things that I have not ventured into is cookie decorating. M loves watching cookie decorating videos with me at night. These ladies that we watch are amazing. I’d love to figure it out, but it’s just not going to happen. That’s where our good friend Trader Joe comes in, with his Turkey Kit.

Oh Joe, you’re going to help me make my preschooler’s dream of being a master cookie decorator come true! This kit contained everything that we needed for this adventure, without having to turn the oven on!

Sprinkles, gummy fruits, ‘buttons’ (non M&M’s M&M’s) and icing...sugar. What, no little piping bag of pre-made frosting? Simple enough to make though - box of sugar, one egg white and a bit of lemon juice if it wasn’t sticky enough.

We’ve watched enough videos that I could tell that it wasn’t going to be thin enough to flow, so I added the tiniest bit of water to get it to what I thought would be the right consistency. “Hey that looks like a piping bag!” M exclaimed as I filled the bag up. We laid all of our pieces out and got to work.

Even with my slight thinning down, it was fairly hard to get the icing out. I started with the base and even though I don’t believe that you have to do things the way the box says, I thought that it’d be easiest to put all the nonpareils on the bottom. M happily sprinkled away...only to have most of the sprinkles fall off. Russ started helping and they got quite a few on, but nothing like the box shows. I outlined the rest, while they worked on the sprinkling and then the turkey body was assembled. “Let’s move on” I told M, and she happily told me where to put dots of icing for her to add on the gummies and buttons. We of course had to sample them to make sure they were good. 

 

The buttons were similar to M&M’s and the fruits, which we thought were fruit snacks, were actually a fairly decent gummy. M’s only complaint was that she wanted to put more fruits on and there weren’t anymore. We ended up supplementing with some Costco fruit snacks we had on hand.

Here’s our finished turkey cookie (M pretty much says the word turkey just like cookie. We try to make her say turkey cookie all the time). I’m pretty sure this is meant to be a decoration, but how do you tell a three year old they can’t eat the cookie they just made? M wanted to eat the head, I grabbed a foot and Russ grabbed a bit of tail feather and we all took a big bite. Umm, I now know what fluffy, gingery cardboard tastes like. I think we know why…

We didn’t make a gingerbread turkey, it was a ginderbread turkey. The rest of the box was right, I wonder how they missed this one? Does anyone else’s box have this typo?

All in all, this was a pretty fun family project, worth the $7.99 price tag. In fact, we’re planning on getting another one to take back to Russ’ folks and make with M and her bigger cousin C for Thanksgiving. M gave it a five. I give it a 4, for the gummies and the family fun factor. If it weren’t for that, it would rate much lower.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Turkey Kit: 9 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Pumpkin Biscotti

Before this pumpkin season is officially over, I wanted to throw a review of this biscotti out there for you. It's not new and it's not exactly a Thanksgiving-themed product, but I really wanted to take a look at it and let you all know about it because it's actually very good and it's never really had its day in the sun. It's one of those "under-the-radar" kind of products.

This stuff makes me wish I were a coffee drinker. It's so good when dunked in any kind of coffee. I mean, the biscotti sticks are perfectly delicious by themselves, but the pairing of these with coffee is absolutely scrumptious. Yes, I did go ahead and pour myself a "cuppa" or two while enjoying these biscottis because no matter how much I tried to enjoy it, they simply didn't pair up well with my usual morning sugar-free energy drinks.

It was more natural for Sonia, because she is a daily coffee drinker. And she loved them just as much as I did—maybe even more. As she observed, the pumpkin spice level in these is just about perfect. The package also mentions real pumpkin puree, which can just barely be detected by the tongue. All the flavors are well-balanced, and the textures are even better than other types of biscotti I've tried...biscotti cereal included. The sticks are firm and crispy, but they break apart easily enough when you go to bite a piece off. They aren't rock solid like some other varieties. Also, they're a good value at $4 for a sizable tub with nine servings.

We're pretty much in agreement about this one—except for maybe the pronunciation. She insists on saying "bis-coat-y," while I say "biz-cott-y." Not that it makes any difference. Four and a half from Sonia. Four from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chocolate Pecan Pudding Pie

It's rare for Sonia to be lazier than I am. That's why it kind of surprised me when the first comment she made about this pie was "You know, Trader Joe's has got to start pre-slicing their pies." 

Now there's a first-world problem if I ever heard one:  that moment when you realize you will have to cut your own slice of chocolate pecan pudding pie. But cut a slice she did—actually, one for herself and one for me—although, I would have been more than willing to cut mine myself.

Because I've been looking forward to trying this delectable dessert since I first heard about it a week or two ago on Instagram and Spotted on Shelves. It has a "this will be your dessert on Thanksgiving Day" kind of vibe about it: the name, the packaging, the $7 price tag. And there's another horrific first-world problem for you:  that moment when you realize you'll have to eat your Thanksgiving dessert a month early because you're an intrepid foodie-hack blogger. Inquiring minds want to know and all.

So I'm here to tell you that if you like chocolate, pie crust, and pecans...GO AHEAD AND BUY THIS FOR YOUR FAMILY'S THANKSGIVING DESSERT. I am not working for Trader Joe's. I am not making any commission off of this recommendation. I'm telling you this because you'll thank me. And even if you're one of those rare people that's somehow not in love at first bite with this scrumptious snack, I can pretty much guarantee someone in your family will enjoy this product.

My dear misguided wife was one of those rare people not in love with this pie. "It's too rich," she said upon her first taste. In my opinion, the benchmark for whether a pie like this is "too rich" or not would be whether you can taste the pecans or not. Well, you can taste the pecans in this instance. They blend seamlessly with the chocolate pudding in a way I wouldn't have expected to even be possible before trying this choice confection.

The chocolate pudding is quite rich, to be fair. But Thanksgiving dessert is supposed to be rich. It's thick, sweet, creamy, and very chocolatey. It's not like they dumped a few cups of Jello pudding in this pie, either—this stuff is top-shelf...no disrespect to Bill Cosby...well, okay, I guess we've all lost a good bit of respect for Bill Cosby, but not because of his lifelong advocacy of Jello pudding and its derivative products. What I'm trying to say is that the pudding here is thick, fudgey, and among the best I've ever had. The crust is a typical pie crust—similar to any pre-packaged, store-bought pie you'd find this time of year. It's fresh, flaky, buttery, and delicious, but in a way, it's the only part of this pie that isn't mind-blowingly unique. Don't get me wrong, it's nothing to complain about. At all. And the pecans...man, don't get me started on the pecans. If you like pecans, there are about a million of them in there. And if you don't like pecans, there are still a million of them in there. So...that might be one reason not to buy this product.

In my mind, this pie might be up there with cookie butter in terms of TJ's scrump-dilly-iciousness. Sonia's score will ensure this pie never sees the light of the Pantheon. My score will make sure it's remembered as better than simply "not bad." 3.5 from her. Perfect 5 from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Autumnal Harvest Creamy Pasta Sauce

Very nice use of the word "autumnal" here, TJ's. Very nice indeed. Now let's see if you can work the word "vernal" into the title of one of your Spring 2016 products...

If you guys have been reading the blog for a while, you know that Sonia and I love pumpkin (especially Sonia)—and furthermore, despite a recent review or two, that Russ is a pumpkin-hater. On an upcoming podcast episode, though, he makes the very valid point that there are many delicious non-pumpkin items that appear on the shelves of "Pumpkin Joe's" this time of year. This quality product is a prime example of something that might slip through the cracks if you're wearing those pumpkin goggles too tightly.

But not to worry, there's pumpkin in it. It's not strictly a pumpkin product, though. Similar to the recently-reviewed Harvest Salsa and some other pumpkin salsas we've seen, our favorite over-sized orange gourd is blended seamlessly with tomato and butternut squash, among other things. Despite tomato puree and pumpkin puree appearing above butternut squash puree on the ingredients, I still think this tastes more like butternut squash than anything else. Flavor-wise, it's savory, subtle, and it's absolutely scrumptious. There's a beautiful mixture of spices rounding out the taste, including garlic, rosemary, cayenne pepper, and sage. It's a very mild spiciness, though.

As far as texture goes, it's not too thick, and not too thin. It's very creamy and smooth, but the creaminess doesn't get in the way of those harvest veggies, in terms of flavor. Sonia pointed out that some "creamy" sauces have too much cream or milk, and they wind up tasting like a dairy product instead of a pasta sauce, but not here. This stuff is well-balanced in every way. Sonia thinks it would make a great pizza sauce. I can see where she's coming from—if you wanted to try a do-it-yourself "Autumnal Harvest Pizza," this would be the right place to start.

But for now, I think I'll stick with pasta. We had it with some non-TJ's cheese ravioli. It worked perfectly, with the majority of the flavor coming from the pasta sauce, just slightly overshadowing the mostly-neutral tastes of the dough and the cheese blend in the ravioli. I'm really anxious to get to some pumpkin reviews, but this was a condiment I just had to tell you guys about. If you're into traditional harvest flavors, butternut squash or pumpkin soup, this is a must-try.

Four and a half stars from Sonia. Four stars from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.