Trader Joe's Blueberry & Lemon Hand Pies

Blueberries and lemons are two of my favorite fruits. They're maybe my two most favoritest fruits of all time. That's right: most favoritest.

But you don't see them together all the time, do you? I don't know if the combo would work in every context, but it worked well in Trader Joe's Blueberry & Lemon Hand Pies. The sweetness of the blueberries and the tartness of the lemon went quite well with that buttery, bready crust. The blueberry flavor hit right up front while the sour lemon crept up on us slowly after a number of bites.

For the most part, the crust was flavorful and supple. It was a little soggier than I was expecting, particularly in the middle. It was firmer and flakier towards the edges of the pastry—similar to the Apple and Pumpkin Hand Pies. It was almost as if the middle soaked up a bunch of that plentiful filling, which oozed out the sides as I dug into the dessert with my fork.

I wouldn't have minded more whole blueberries in the filing. It was pretty smooth, which is fine, but I was expecting big plump berries that added some texture and burst with flavor when you bit them. All things considered, it was a very tasty baked good, absolutely worth the calorie/fat splurge for a special occasion or cheat day or if you're just not into the whole "fitness thing."

$4.49 for the two pies. It's a little pricy for grocery store fare, but the quality is just about on par with a specialized pastry shop, where you'd probably pay a lot more. Kosher. Would buy again. Shout out to reader April for the rec, who said "they taste like happiness and sunshine." Spot on!

Four stars a piece from Sonia and me on Trader Joe's Blueberry & Lemon Hand Pies.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Hot Pico de Gallo Salsa

Hot take: Trader Joe's Hot Pico de Gallo Salsa isn't hot, but it's still really good.

Jalapeño peppers are right there—the third ingredient on the list. I'm not sure if our jalapeños were just extra tame or if there simply weren't enough of them, but this salsa that so boldly proclaims itself "hot" was not particularly spicy to either my palate or that of my lovely wife.

And Sonia knows pico de gallo. She's been eating it her whole life. I've been eating it since the 2000's, when I discovered Baja Fresh. Man, they had the best pico de gallo. I mean, theirs wasn't hot either, but you could mix it with spicy salsa and make your own hot pico if you wanted to. Up until now, Baja Fresh had the best pico de gallo either of us had ever eaten.

I think Trader Joe's Hot Pico de Gallo Salsa may now have stolen that title. It's quite flavorful. I guess maybe the tomato, lemon, and cilantro have a cooling effect on what little heat the jalapeños provide. We can always add our own hot sauce or spicy salsa.

It just tastes fresh. The tomatoes, onions, and peppers are pristine and healthy-looking, and they taste like they were just sliced yesterday, rather than sitting in a plastic tub for weeks, being carted all over America in a hot box truck.

Anyway, we'll probably buy it again despite its lack of heat. $2.99 for the 12 oz tub. Four and a half stars a piece for Trader Joe's Hot Pico de Gallo Salsa from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Double Chocolate Wafer Cookies

Freakin' cookies, man. Cookies, cookies, cookies. How many types of cookies does Trader Joe's need to offer, really? Butter cookies, sandwich cookies, sugar cookies, oatmeal cookies, tea cookies, crispy cookies...and of course, wafer cookies. I mean, I'm a fan of the texture of wafer cookies, but I'll bet we're pushing a hundred different types of Trader Joe's brand cookies reviewed on this blog over the years, so it's gonna take something really special to wow this guy.

Trader Joe's Double Chocolate Wafer Cookies taste like dark chocolate to me. I want them to be sweeter. Sonia loves them, but she wishes they were "less chocolatey." She wants double chocolate cookies that are somehow less chocolatey. I'm sure Trader Joe's will offer a 1x chocolate wafer cookie in the future if they haven't already, but for now she'll have to settle for the 2x variety. Don't worry, I'm sure the triple chocolate version is in development for those of you who don't think these little guys are chocolatey enough.

Okay, okay, I might be coming off a little snarky here today. These are perfectly decent cookies with an above-average crispy, wafery texture. They're creamy and crispy and they're honestly pretty close to being perfectly "bite-sized." The chocolate taste is surprisingly rich and errs in the direction of dark chocolate. I can't imagine eating these without milk or coffee.

The bag is pseudo-resealable, since it comes not with a ziplock style seal, but with a sticker that hangs down so you can tape the bag shut over and over again. It feels a little bit junky, honestly.

$3.49 for the eight serving bag. Sonia will give them four and a half stars, stating that she wishes they made other flavors, namely vanilla and strawberry, and that they should offer all three flavors together in a Neapolitan style pack. I'll give Trader Joe's Double Chocolate Wafer Cookies three out of five stars. I'll admit they have a really nice texture, but there's nothing about the taste that makes these stand out to me over your average store-bought cookie.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Garlic & Cheese Bread Sticks

Not sure what happened here. Did we get a bad batch? Did our local Trader Joe's manager go around changing freshness dates like Apu at the Kwik-E-Mart?

Sonia and I both thought these were bland, dry, and way too hard. We followed the heating instructions exactly. We consumed them before their "sell by" date. We tried them plain, with soup, and with various other dips.

There was no discernible garlic flavor in Trader Joe's Garlic & Cheese Bread Sticks. The cheese was wanting both in quantity and taste. Even the bread itself fell utterly short of the delightfully soft and fluffy Cheddar Jalapeño Pull Apart Bread we looked at last week. The breadsticks were slightly more palatable when we first pulled them from the oven, but now that they need reheated a second time, there's simply no redeeming them.

There was no greasy residue on these sticks. Maybe that's what they needed. To both Sonia and me, they seemed like nothing more than unsalted cylindrical crackers. We're struggling to finish them. If you want breadsticks without jalapeños, we recommend buying the pull apart bread and simply removing the jalapeños, because Trader Joe's Garlic & Cheese Bread Sticks simply aren't worth the $3.49 we paid for them.

Two stars a piece from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 4 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Glazed Sweet Lemon Scones

I was just daydreaming about lemon-flavored foods and remembered that silly urban legend that some lady named her twin boys Lemonjello and Orangejello after what she was eating in the maternity ward of her hospital, shortly after giving birth. Then I was thinking, "Would I ever name my kid after food? After something lemon-flavored? After Trader Joe's Glazed Sweet Lemon Scones?"

Probably not. But if I did, I'd make it a little discreet. Like I'd name my kid Joseph Lemon Scone Rodgers. There's "Joseph" in there for Trader Joe. And then "Lemon Scone" would be his middle name(s). People would call him Joe L.S. and wonder what the "L.S." stood for.

But even cooler than naming your kid after lemon-flavored food would be to have a band called The Lemon Scones. "We are The Lemon Scones, and we're here to make you think about food and get hungry and stuff! One, two, three, four..." And all their tunes would be about breakfast. I think you could forge an entire career around songs about the most important meal of the day. Maybe they'd have a B-side or two about dessert...but I'm hearing mostly just breakfast ballads. Their first album would be called Breaking the Fast.

Trader Joe's Glazed Sweet Lemon Scones are indeed glazed, sweet, and lemon-flavored. Like nearly all lemon-flavored products from Trader Joe's or anywhere else, my biggest complaint is that it could still use more lemon flavor. These are pleasantly lemony, but the tartness of the lemon is easily overshadowed by the sugary sweetness of the glaze.

Still, they're a carborrific blast of sweet-tart lemon. I like them. I generally like anything that's lemontastic. I love them for breakfast, while a Brit might say they go best with a spot of afternoon tea. I can't go lower than four and a half stars. $4.49 for six kosher scones.

Sonia likes them, too, but maybe not as much as I do. She'll give Trader Joe's Glazed Sweet Lemon Scones three and a half out of five stars.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Cheddar Jalapeño Pull Apart Bread

Ahhh, the delicious jalapeño. It's like the gateway drug to the world of spicy foods. I remember thoroughly enjoying a plate of nachos during my college years. It was heaping with jalapeño pepper slices, and one of my instructors happened to walk by my work-study job as I had my lunch. "You don't strike me as a jalapeño kind of guy, Nate," he mused.

"Well there's more to me than meets the eye, Professor," I responded.

And I've been eating jalapeños ever since. The beautiful wifey introduced me to pickled jalapeño slices from brands like La Morena and La Costeña. They often come canned with carrot slices, too. The carrots soak up the jalapeño juice and become spicy just like the peppers. I love it. Perfect for tacos, nachos, or even burgers and other fusion meals.

But what about cheesy bread? I don't see why it wouldn't work. The only thing stacked against Trader Joe's Cheddar Jalapeño Pull Apart Bread is that it's not exactly fresh-baked. Heating instructions specify preparation in the oven only. Lazy bums like me that want to reheat everything in the microwave will have to put on our big boy pants. What about the air fryer? Why wouldn't that work? Meh. I'll just be good and follow the instructions for now.

Before even baking the pull-apart loaf, a visible layer of grease can be seen on the cardboard and paper part of the packaging. When you're talking breadsticks or pizza or pull-apart bread, grease almost always equals deliciousness.

And yes, the bread itself is extremely soft and nearly melt-in-your-mouth delicious after heating 12 minutes in the oven. The cheese coating is somewhat firmer than that. The jalapeños aren't exactly pristine, but then again I guess they've already been baked once.

The flavor could use both more cheddar cheese and jalapeño pepper. The bread itself is very tasty, but I think most of us came here for the cheddar jalapeño. I think if you ate this bread by itself, you'd be slightly underwhelmed, but served with tomato soup or some other kind of dip, it's pretty palatable. Sonia tried it with some queso blanco to boost the cheesiness, and she reported back with positive sentiments.

Five bucks for supposedly 6 servings. It's more like 2 servings in reality. And for the folks who like to remind me it's not Trader Joe's determining how many servings there are in these products, but rather the FDA or some other agency, I'd like to point out that I'm not aiming this criticism at any particular entity. I'm simply pointing out the fact that two people will demolish this thing in a single sitting, easily. That's just my take on the matter. Some may disagree, including those with the authority to declare that there are 6 servings when clearly there are not.

Four and a half stars from the beautiful wifey. Four out of five stars from me for Trader Joe's Cheddar Jalapeño Pull Apart Bread.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Mee Krob Snackers

I did exactly zero research before purchasing and trying Trader Joe's Mee Krob Snackers. They've been trending on social media, so I thought I'd just jump in head first.

So...as far as first impressions go, I'll start with the texture. It's not unlike eating uncooked ramen noodles, though slightly more pleasant than that. The noodles here are very thin, like vermicelli style. There's a thin glaze of a reddish sauce that's similar to the coating on flavored potato chips or rice cakes. The whole thing is extremely crispy and crunchy, with some cashews thrown into the mix that add a bit of softer texture. All in all, I'm a fan of the mouthfeel, though I wish the crackers were about half as thick as they are. It'd be easier to take small bites that way.

Flavor-wise, I'll just say this: Sonia and both of her parents are huge fans. I'm not hating on Trader Joe's Mee Krob by any means, but I can't say I'm as enthused as the rest of the family. I think it boils down to the fact that I'm not super fond of tamarind in most contexts, although there are some notable exceptions to that rule. Tamarind is a quintessential flavor for a lot of Hispanic beverages and treats, and it's also one of the key ingredients here, although this has an unmistakably Asian vibe in most respects.

"Sweet, tart, and savory" sums up the flavor pretty well. I actually wish there were more cashews and cashew flavor, but the bit that's there is mostly drowned out by the tangy sauces and starches. There's a tad too much vinegar flavor in the mix for my taste, as well, though I wouldn't call it a deal-breaker.

We all agree these would make decent croutons for an Oriental or Asian salad or wrap. They'd have to be broken into smaller pieces, but they'd work well. I guess you could add them to soup, too. Sonia and mi suegros are happy to munch away straight out of the bag, but I probably won't reach for them as a stand-alone snack.

But as always, I'm very glad I had the chance to try them. About three bucks for the 3 oz bag. Vegan. Gluten free. Product of Thailand. Four and a half stars from the beautiful wifey. Three out of five stars from me for Trader Joe's Mee Krob Snackers.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chai Tea Mints

Kind of a random little last-minute checkout stand kind of purchase here. I like mints. I like the flavor of chai tea. But I've never really craved a mint that tasted like chai.

But if Trader Joe's says I need chai tea mints, then maybe I need chai tea mints. Why not?

They're about the size of your average Altoid or other brand name mint. They are leaf-shaped and have leaf veins on one side and "TJ" on the other.

The taste? Hmmm. Kinda odd. I see where they get "chai" from, for sure. I guess it's the cardamom and black tea. You can taste it immediately. Later, you can taste the hint of peppermint oil mentioned on the ingredients list. There's something chalky both in taste and texture throughout the whole experience, though. I find it rather unpalatable. Is it the calcium stearate?

Do they even freshen your breath? Well, kinda. I guess it's better to smell like a chai tea latte than garlic, onions, and tuna fish...I mean, if that's, in fact, what you had for lunch...

About two bucks for a tiny tin of chai flavored mints. There are supposedly 57 pieces in there. Vegan. Would not buy again. Two and a half stars from me.

Sonia likes them enough. In regards to the discrepancy, she states, "Well, I like chai." I do too, wifey. However, I don't like chalk. She claims she doesn't detect the chalkiness. Four stars from her.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chromatic Celebration Cake & Baking Mix

I've often referred to myself as a "foodie-hack" on this blog and drawn attention to the fact that I'm not particularly skilled in the culinary arts. I managed to pull off some relatively photogenic cupcakes a few weeks ago but that, friends, was the exception to the rule.

Although I didn't completely butcher this batch of baked goods, I came close to it. The bag of frosting mix and the bag of cake mix weren't labeled individually, and I nearly poured the frosting base in with the eggs, milk, and oil and put it in the oven. I mean, the cake mix was yellowish and the frosting mix was white, but hey, the frosting in the Spring Cupcakes changed colors after mixing it with butter...so looks can be deceiving.

In the end I guessed correctly that the yellow mix was the cake. And fortunately, the cake part came out halfway decent yet again. It was yellow and fluffy and had lots of colored speckles all through it.

The frosting in Trader Joe's Chromatic Celebration Mix was even runnier this time. And it was oily somehow. If anything, I erred on the side of less butter than was called for, but the mix tasted and looked like there was excess butter. Maybe I didn't mix it long enough.

Also, the box made it clear to use "room temperature" butter. We only had frozen sticks of butter. I thought, "Ha. Room temperature? That's not gonna happen!" and I nuked my stick and 3/4 of butter and started mixing away. I also added the sprinkles to the frosting mixture itself before plopping it on the cupcakes, and um, well, they mostly dissolved. So that's why I opted to show you the interior of one of our cupcakes, complete with lovely colored speckles, with a few dollops of buttery off-white frosting dispersed around the base of the delicacy on the plate instead of the finished iced cupcake with colorful frosting.

Most of our readers could probably bake something like this with their eyes closed. But it seems the Spring Cupcake Mix was slightly more idiot-proof than this colorful concoction. And yes, that's me. I'm the idiot.

But they taste pretty good if I do say so myself. Pretty much your typical yellow vanilla cake mix. $4.99 for the box. Needs 2 eggs, 3/4 cup milk, 1/2 cup oil, and 14 Tbsp butter. Fun. Colorful. Would make a nice Easter treat. Four stars from the beautiful wifey. Three and a half from me on Trader Joe's Chromatic Celebration Cake & Baking Mix.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Coffee & Dark Chocolate Joe-Joe's

At a quick glance, this is at least the 15th iteration of Joe-Joe's sandwich cookies that we've reviewed on this blog. And that's not including the Joe-Joe's derivative products like ice cream, cereal, and beverages that flaunt the Joe-Joe's moniker and/or contain chunks of real Joe-Joe's cookies.

That's a lot of dang cookies.

So if we're tough graders on a perfectly delicious product, it's only because Trader Joe's needs to keep setting the bar higher and higher with each Joe-Joe's product. Because what's the point of introducing new Joe-Joe's and discontinuing old ones if not to offer a better and better cookie?

I mean, honestly, Trader Joe's Joe-Joe's Chocolate Sandwich Cookies with Coffee Creme are really decent treats. They're heavy. Dense. Rich. Sonia likes the word "decadent," but I think it's overused. I mean, it's certainly applicable here, but I feel like the word "indulgent" is more appropriate somehow. I guess they mean about the same thing in the end.

Maybe we're just getting older and more boring but we each had a single cookie from the sleeve and said, "Wow. I'm done." I washed mine down with cold milk. Sonia chased hers with hot coffee. There's just so much sugar and chocolate and cookie and coffee crammed in there, just a few bites are enough to satisfy our sweet tooths. Er, sweet teeth?

There's definitely a mocha vibe. Dark chocolate and real ground coffee beans will do that. I feel like the chocolate is slightly dominant. There's "white confectionary coating" and vanilla flavors in the mix, too, so it's not a bitter dark chocolate flavor at all. It's about as candy-esque as dark chocolate gets. And then there are whispers of coffee here and there, mostly in the creamy core of the cookie.

I'm sure the interzones are ablaze with the praises of Trader Joe's Coffee and Dark Chocolate Joe-Joe's. If it's your first time at the Joe-Joe's rodeo or you just really like mocha stuff, it's a safe bet you're gonna love these. Sonia and I will easily finish the box over the next few days, but we agree it's not a re-purchase for us.

$3.49 for eight cookies. Three and a half stars a piece for <breathes in> Trader Joe's Coffee & Dark Chocolate Joe-Joe's Chocolate Sandwich Cookies with Coffee Creme in a Dark Chocolate and Coffee Coating <breathes out> from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Egg Shaped Soaps

I thought about putting this review up for April Fools' Day and acting like I tried to make an omelette out of these soap eggs. But meh, the first day of April fell on a Saturday this year and we generally don't post on Saturdays and it would so obviously be a joke, it wouldn't really fool anybody. So I decided to make this an early Easter post instead.

We've only done a couple other non-food, non-beverage reviews throughout this blog's 12 and a half year history. We looked at one other type of soap, some mouthwash, and of course, the Grump Tree. So why look at Trader Joe's Egg Shaped Soaps? Because they're Easter-ish, and because I felt like it.

Just like real eggs, these come in a carton. There are only two eggs here, though, instead of a dozen. The fragrances are really nice. The pinkish-purplish egg is lavender & honey while the blue-green one is blueberry. They just smell like really expensive decorative soaps.

Like if I were a suburbanite trophy wife soccer mom, I'd totally get a basket, fill it with that fake plastic green Easter grass and buy like a dozen of these eggs. I think I'd unwrap them before placing them in the basket just so the smell would bowl you over as you walked into the bathroom. I'd never let anyone actually use them as soap and would break them out each spring, year after year, and everybody in town would talk about how great my bathroom smells around Easter.

But I'm a dude, so I just unwrapped them and started scrubbing away in the shower. And what do you know? They're good for cleaning your body and face and stuff, too. And after your shower, you smell like lavender & honey and/or blueberries. I guess the scents are a little feminine, but after throwing on deodorant and body spray, the residual smell isn't really detectable.

Sonia likes 'em. She's the one that bought them. I don't know what it is with women and decorative soaps. At least she lets me use them as actual soap. Props to you, wifey.

$2.69 for two egg-shaped soaps. Four out of five stars a piece for Trader Joe's Egg Soaps.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's PB&C Snack Duo

When snacks like this come along, I kinda wish I was in junior high school again, brown bagging my food. I'd pop out a treat like this one and all the kids would be like, "Whoa. What's that? I wanna try it!" And then I'd use the leverage to work out totally unfair lunch table bargains involving entire sandwiches being traded for only a singular exotic cocoa stick dipped in peanut butter. Feel free to give your kids the idea if they aspire to be some kind of cafeteria warlord or something. Or feel free to try it at your place of employment if you work on site. Just be sure to give your boss one stick for free so he'll look the other way as you clean out your co-workers.

Following in the footsteps of Trader Joe's PB&J Snack Duo, this new chocolate and peanut butter creation is the same concept, but with cocoa creme sticks and real peanut butter dip replacing peanut butter wafer sticks and raspberry jelly.

Improvements: the jelly in the last iteration was messy and sticky. The peanut butter in this product is less so. I like my snacks to have a lot of peanut butter flavor, so actual peanut butter is nice. This product seems more filling to me somehow. There's protein in peanut butter, so that could be part of it. And if there's one flavor combo I generally prefer over peanut butter and jelly, it's peanut butter and chocolate.

What's worse: the cocoa creme wafer sticks are okay, but they're nothing to write home about. They remind me a bit of Trader Joe's Petite Cocoa Batons. I guess I prefer the peanut butter creme wafer sticks. But if we had those again here, we'd have to call this product Trader Joe's PB&PB Snack Duo instead of Trader Joe's PB&C Snack Duo.

What's about the same: the sticks still want to snap in half when dunked in the dip. You really have to be gentle and slow, or you have to know exactly where to brace the stick so it won't break. It's a silly complaint, I know. But half of you wouldn't come here if not for the silliness.

In the end, Sonia likes these about the same as the PB&J dealies. And I should mention at this point that the PB&J Snack Duo has become an extremely regular purchase at our house. Like, Sonia picks them up every single time she goes to TJ's. I have a feeling these might become a regular purchase as well.

$3.99 for 6 packs of 8 sticks a piece. Certified kosher. Four and a half stars from Sonia on Trader Joe's PB&C Snack Duo. I guess I'll throw out four like I did for the previous iteration.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Bananas Bananas! Candy

It's been a hot minute since we reviewed the classic Trader Joe's Gone Bananas! on this blog, but Sonia and I have purchased them many times since. They're still one of my personal favorite Trader Joe's items of all time. So naturally, I had to try this similarly named, similarly packaged candy featuring chocolate and banana flavors.

This one's shelf stable instead of frozen. There's plenty of chocolate here, but no real bananas. The only fruit presence is in the form of "banana powder." Doesn't sound super appetizing, but let's dig in anyway, shall we?

First impression: yum! There's a definite surge of banana flavor in the center of these candies. It's not quite like real banana, but it's close enough that you wouldn't mistake it for any other fruit. It's enough to balance out the abundant milk chocolate taste but doesn't dampen its potency.

The outer chocolate shell is firm but not too hard. The filling is only slightly softer. It's called "creme" but it's more al dente than a typical cream filling. Can I use "al dente" in a context unrelated to pasta? It just means "firm when bitten," right? I'm going with it either way. Al dente candy is a thing now...just because I said so.

There are also little crunchy things in the center of the mini-bananas. I might have guessed it was crispy rice, but I'm thinking now it's the cocoa nibs. I like 'em, although I think crisp, toasted rice would have worked at least as well. The nibs just get lost in the sea of chocolate, cocoa, and more chocolate.

The verdict? Worth a purchase or two for sure. Not as good as the original Gone Bananas! but few things are, at Trader Joe's or anywhere for that matter. $3.29 for 5 oz of banana flavored candy. No need for refrigeration or freezing. Might be a nice treat for school lunches or a hike in cool weather. I wouldn't think of these as a summer snack as much since the chocolate would no doubt get messy. The bag is resealable and the artwork on the packaging is fun. Four stars a piece from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Spring Cupcake Mix

I have no idea if this product is back on Trader Joe's shelves again this year. They discontinue good stuff at the drop of a hat. Even if it's not back this spring, there's always a chance they'll bring it back in the future at some point, so just go ahead and read the review anyway and pretend it's relevant now. Mmkay? Thanks.

I procured my box by traveling back in time to Spring 2022. You didn't know I had a time machine? I've mentioned it before. I call it the magical DeLorean TARDIS time sled hot tub. Super original, right? I decided to pick up a box of this mix this year because I was unable to get my hands on one last spring.

And I'm glad I did. It's a tasty product. Some assembly required, of course. Also eggs, water, butter, and milk. Twenty-two minutes in the oven at 350° and we're in business.

Trader Joe's Spring Cupcakes came out super moist, sweet, and vanilla-y. The green frosting was a little runny at first, but after congealing in the fridge for a half hour or so, it got nice and spreadable. Oh—that's another thing: the frosting mix is white, but when you mix it with butter, it turns green. It's like a far-out science experiment. I can't even explain it...and I built a time machine.

There's nothing oily or cheap or sub-par about these cupcakes. Nothing that tastes off. Well, now that I say that, those little egg candies didn't blend so well with the other elements, texture or flavor-wise. They have a candy shell with dark chocolate and caramel within. There's nothing wrong with them, really. They just feel like an unnecessary gimmick that got thrown in at the last second to make the product feel more Eastery or springy or something.

$4.99 for the box of cake mix, frosting mix, and little dark chocolate caramel egg candies. Four stars a piece from Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Spring Cupcake Mix. And for those of you who wonder why I can't use my time machine to go forward to see whether TJ's brings this product back or not—well, of course I can. But there's no telling whether the timeline we wind up on as a collective is the same one I'll travel to in order to do product recon. I have seen at least one tangent universe where this product is back. But I've seen a bunch where it's not. In essence, the future isn't set in stone. Anyway, Sonia gives this product four out of five stars. I, John Titor, er...I mean Nathan, give this product four stars as well.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Bark

I like my chocolate like I like my women: dark and chunky. 

Ha, no. I can't even right now. I like my women petite, like my Sonia. And I actually prefer white chocolate. I just always wanted to say "I like my women like I like some food or beverage." I tried it once long ago, and it didn't work then either.

Seriously, though: a quick internet search will reveal that dark chocolate is the best kind of chocolate for raising serotonin levels in the body. Among other things, it's the chemical that regulates emotions, appetite, and sleep cycles. So despite a preference for the taste of white or milk chocolate, there are other reasons why I might reach for the dark variety once in a while.

And there's plenty of dark chocolate in this little bag of bark. There are big slabs of the stuff—mostly quadrilateral shapes. I'd say each chunk is at least four bites a piece, and I'd say the vast majority of the product is nothing but chocolate.

There are definitely almond and pretzel bits in every hunk, but the average bite only contains a teensy crumb of either almond or pretzel. It's rare if you get a detectable piece of nut and pretzel in the same bite.

That's my biggest complaint. I like the almond and pretzel presence here. I wish there were a bit more of it.

There's plenty of sea salt, though, in Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Bark. Just a slab or two will make you plenty thirsty. If anything, I think the salt could be toned down some.

I expected Sonia to enjoy this product a lot more than me since she's way more into dark chocolate, but she too wished there were more of the mix-ins throughout the bark and a lot less salt. She gives it three out of five stars.

I give Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Bark three out of five stars, as well. Dark chocolate lovers might like this product more than I did by virtue of the dark chocolate content, but this product could use a little more pizzazz if you ask us. We'll finish the bag easily enough, but it's probably not a repeat purchase. $3.99 for 10 oz of kosher dark chocolate in a resealable bag.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Triple Ginger Pretzels

Truth be told, I'm seldom in the mood for gingery snacks. Gingerbread? Yeah, I'm down with seasonal gingerbread treats, for sure. A touch of ginger in my ice cream? Darn skippy. Ginger beer? Heck yes.

But there's always a risk of ginger overload. We've seen it before in a Trader Joe's cereal as well as a few other places. Raw ginger is quite potent and has the potential to overpower any other flavors in a given product.

So why try Trader Joe's Triple Ginger Pretzels at all you ask? Because maybe ginger goes with pretzels better than I think it will. Maybe the ginger content is super flavorful but somehow not overpowering. Despite my expectations, this could be the most delicious snack I've ever tried. It's all about the adventure.

The pretzels are those same "teeny tiny" ones we've seen a few times from Trader Joe's in recent memory. Again, we've got a resealable bag for convenience, freshness, and that satisfying sensation you get when you feel those two plastic strips lovingly embrace one another.

The pretzels are a nice balance of sweet, salty, and gingery. There's ginger candy, crystallized ginger, and ginger snaps up in the mix. I guess the "ginger candy" is that white confectionery coating that covers the pretzels. It's like ginger-flavored white chocolate. I like it. The ginger snaps add crunch on top of the already crunchy pretzels, and the crystallized ginger gives just a hint of that throat-warming, tingly sensation that raw ginger can sometimes produce. The taste is fairly ginger forward, but the pretzel essence and sweet elements are never totally eclipsed.

All in all, this is a satisfying snack that will surely curb most ginger cravings without going crazy over-the-top into ginger overload territory. This combo works a lot better than I thought it would. Would I buy again? Quite possibly.

About three bucks for 7 oz of miniature pretzels. This will get the same score as the last product we looked at, but this time I'll be a bit more positive than the beautiful wifey. Three and a half out of five stars from Sonia for Trader Joe's Triple Ginger Pretzels. I'll throw out four stars.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10 stars.

Rabitos Royale Ruby Cacao Figs

I just couldn't help myself. I know they're not Trader Joe's brand, but chocolate truffle figs sounded so interesting. The buzz about Rabitos Royale Ruby Cacao Figs around the web is pretty positive, as well. Just look at that fancy box. How could something so extravagant disappoint?

Provided you love the taste of figs and have five bucks to blow on four small pieces of candy, they most likely won't. They're super sweet, because it's not dark chocolate here. It's ruby cacao and milk chocolate. Figs are sweet to begin with and chocolate doesn't exactly temper that sweetness at all. There are essences of vanilla and brandy in the mix as well. All in all, chocolate, fig, vanilla, and brandy is a pretty tasty flavor combo. It might be a little too sweet for some folks, but lucky for me, I've got a sweet tooth.

Each fig is individually wrapped, which helps keep the unused specimens fresh. Although it's very much within the realm of possibility to eat the entire box in one sitting, particularly if you've got someone to share with. Again, lucky me.

Rabitos Royale Ruby Cacao Figs can be a little messy. The pink shell wants to break apart and fall on your lap as you bite into it. There's not a lot of juiciness, since the figs are dried, but there's enough of a crumble-factor that you might not want to eat these while you're driving or operating heavy machinery or wearing a light-colored Easter dress or something.

One of our candied figs had a very odd tough section. It wasn't like a fig seed. It was almost as if a small section of the fig skin was leathery and somewhat hard. It was a bit gross. I thought about spitting out that bite, but then I thought about the fact that each fig costs more than a dollar and decided to just chew through it. I made it without yacking or anything like that, but still you'd hope that for what you're paying, you'd get nothing but top notch quality fruit within the candy. Oh well. It was only one piece.

Trader Joe's is the only store where I've seen these, but I didn't see anything about them being a Trader Joe's exclusive or anything like that. Looks like you can order them online from a few places. Don't think I'd buy these regularly, but for a once in a great while treat, they're fine. Three and a half stars from me. The beautiful wifey gives Rabitos Royale Ruby Cacao Figs four out of five stars, remarking "This is the kind of stuff rich people eat!"

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Slightly Coated Dark Chocolate Almonds

Seems like there must have been somebody out there grumbling and whining on the interzones about there being too thick a layer of dark chocolate on Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Almonds or something to that effect. I'm not sure why else Trader Joe's would offer this very specific product. Although I've protested and complained about various Trader Joe's discontinuations, lack of locations, and parking lot situations time and time again and they pretty well ignore me consistently.

"Pay no mind to that arrogant blogger boy and the eight US states that don't have a single Trader Joe's location...but let's be sure to give Karen her dark chocolate almonds that are somewhere in between totally coated and not coated at all." 

Never mind this is at least the fifth type of chocolate covered almond we've reviewed on this blog. I won't even link to the others directly. If you're curious you can type "chocolate almond" into the Search This Blog bar.

Anyhoo, we've got a resealable bag here, which I appreciate since I won't be eating the entire thing in one sitting. It's a 10 oz package for five bucks, which is honestly kinda cheap for nuts in 2023. And it's pretty much what you'd expect after reading the description on the bag: almonds with a bit of dark chocolate and faint saltiness.

I'd prefer more chocolate to be honest. Or milk chocolate. Or cookie butter. But hey, they're only going for "just a little sweet" here. Mission accomplished, I guess. I hope all those folks looking for not-plain-almonds but also not-super-duper-chocolate-coated-almonds are happy. Me? Meh. They're not bad, but I'm generally only in the mood for regular almonds or almonds coated with a normal amount of chocolate. Three stars from this guy for Trader Joe's Slightly Coated Dark Chocolate Almonds. Four from the beautiful wifey.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.