Trader Joe's Unsalted Organic White Corn Tortilla Chips

Ever since Sonia's mom had a rather serious stroke a couple years ago, we've been a little more cognizant of the dangers of high blood pressure and too much sodium in our diets. Fortunately, she's mostly recovered and pretty much back to normal now, but it was a long, challenging road to get there.

Shortly after her incident, I realized that my own blood pressure was way too high, as well. I wouldn't say I'm on a "low sodium diet" now per se, but I often intentionally select less salty options when possible.

At the recommendation of a couple of friends, we tried these chips for the first time a while back. At first, I was like, "Who in their right mind would eat tortilla chips with no salt?" But then if you really think about it, most of the time you're eating tortilla chips, you're eating them with something else: salsa, queso, guac, and all of those have their own salt in them. Do you really need to double up on salt? In my opinion, the answer is no. These chips are the proof.

Even though I didn't think I'd like them, I'm totally fine snacking on them plain. Somehow the lack of salt lets the natural flavor of corn shine a little more. And just as you'd assume, all of the above-mentioned fixins provide plenty of sodium content by themselves.

This has become one of our most frequent Trader Joe's purchases of all time and a staple in our household. It's very difficult to find completely salt-free chips in your average mainstream grocery store. We highly recommend you give them a try, even if you're a salt-o-phile like me. It might not be new or super exciting, but it's a classic TJ's product very much worthy of Pantheon status, in our humble opinions.

Perfect five stars from Sonia. Four and a half from me.

Bottom line: 9.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Crispy Jalapeño Pieces

 Another day, another quick hit. That's just how it rolls right now with my ever growing family as the world continues to reawaken. 

But no time for the details on all that. You want a real quick hit? Grab a shortie of Trader Joe's Crispy Jalapeño Pieces next time you see them. They're either $1.99 or $2.99...don't remember...doesn't matter. 

Crispy. Crunchy, A touch greasy. Fleshy. Spicy. A wee salty, And perfection. It was love at first sight. There's no way this go wrong, unless you're one of the odd types who wouldn't enjoy something like this. Grab a handful and place on whatever you're eating. Burger? Taco? Pizza? Salad? Eggs? Soup? Sandwich? Mashed potatoes? Mac n cheese? Heck, probably even ice cream? Yes, to all of those, and more. 

There's nothing magical or mystical here. It's just thin slices of jalapeño battered lightly and fried (presumably) into an irresistably crunchy topping. Or, let's be honest...snack. I ate nearly 2/3rds of a cannister all by myself, and stopped only because I didn't want my wife's ire to consume me while enjoying chili later on that night. These are amazing. 

My only critique? There were too few "big pieces" of pepper. Those pieces are the best, when your teeth cut thru the crispy shell and sink into that mildly spicy, fleshy jalapeño....man, I'm making myself hungry again. Love 'em, need more of 'em. There were quite a few middle sized guys and naturally a handful of empty fried crumbs. Those are all tasty as well...but we're here for the big tasty jalapeños. 

Get 'em, you won't regret 'em. Pair nicely with a hoppy IPA.  Delish, and darn near perfect. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Crispy Jalapeño Pieces: 9 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Strawberry Swirl Cheesecake

We've seen a lot of great sweet treats and after-dinner desserts from Trader Joe's over the years, and reviews of them generally do pretty well here on the blog. For example, our most popular post of all time by far, based on total page views, is my review of the original speculoos cookie butter. Or if you go by Farcebook likes, it's my review of cookie butter ice cream. Neither product is completely unique to Trader Joe's, but in both cases, they offered something that, at the time of release, wasn't widely available in the United States at your average, everyday grocery store. Those types of imported flavors tend to be the most popular, most successful, and in my opinion, most interesting offerings from Trader Joe's. For one thing, even if their speculoos cookie butter weren't the very best example of such a product, the average American shopper wouldn't even know the difference, because a good portion of us hadn't ever tried cookie butter at the point when TJ's made it popular.

However, most of us have had strawberry cheesecake...and I'd even venture to say most of us have tried very, very delectable, mouthwatering strawberry cheesecake that nears culinary perfection. So...if you're gonna tackle something with a high standard already established, you better bring your A game, you feel me?

Let's just say we're in a parallel reality where cheesecake hasn't come to America for whatever reason. It's popular in Europe and a few Yanks have tried it and they tell tales of this rich, sweet, creamy dessert when they come back stateside and get all their friends excited to either travel abroad or have some imported. Then Trader Joe's, out of the blue, begins offering Strawberry Swirl Cheesecake. Okay. Then I'd probably be pretty enthused. Everyone would be.

But I must say, not only is this not the best strawberry cheesecake I've ever had, but it's not even the best frozen cheesecake I've ever had. Archer Farms and Cheesecake Factory both make (or made) pretty decent offerings in that department.

This product might have been a contender if they'd simply swirled that strawberry gel all throughout the middle of the product. As it is, it's only on top. And it's by far the best part of the cheesecake, at least as far as Sonia and I are concerned. The cheesecake itself seems a little dull and boring, as cheesecakes go. The graham crust is pretty decent, I must admit.

It's a sweet dessert that's adequate for a small group for an after-dinner treat or what have you, and most people would be perfectly fine downing a slice or two, just so long as they don't overthink or overanalyze like I'm doing right now. But this isn't even the best cheesecake we've seen from Trader Joe's. It's not like they messed it up, but they didn't make it particularly memorable, either.

Three stars a piece from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Crispy Onion Chips

I never really got Funyuns.

Considering how much I love the taste of onions, I'm just never in the mood to have oily corn meal rings that vaguely taste like the popular root vegetable. I mean, they're not terrible. I just always wondered why they couldn't have some actual onion bits in them. 

Sure, they're optimized for sitting in unrefrigerated vending machines for weeks or months at a time, which wouldn't work with real onion pieces. But what if the onion pieces were dehydrated? Hmm. Then we might have a real winner.

And what if, furthermore, there was no cornmeal at all and the only ingredients were "onions, rice bran oil, and salt"? Well, then, my friends, you would have these: Trader Joe's Crispy Onion Chips.

I'm not saying everybody will enjoy these unique chips as much as I do. In fact, I'd be shocked if many people are with me on this one. The chips flaunt a texture not unlike that of styrofoam. Crispy? Yes, but they melt in your mouth in the most delightful and unexpected way.

The natural flavor of onions is on full display here. They almost taste like a rice-based snack, dusted with some complex array of garlicky additives and exotic seasonings. There's even something buttery about them. But all that's there is onion, salt, and oil. Amazing, really. 

If you don't have a weird affinity for onions like Sonia and I do, you might not be as enthused. But for all onion-lovers, I'd say these are worth at least one purchase. $2.69 for the 1.4 oz bag. It says it's one serving, but even Sonia and I managed to stretch it to multiple sittings. If you eat this whole bag all at once, then dang, I guess you must really, really like onions.

Four and a half stars from me. Four and a half from the wifey.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Fruity Chewy Candy

I'm sure I've mentioned it on this blog before, but I grew up with numerous systemic food and environmental allergies. I was treated for and grew out of the food allergies, for the most part, while my environmental sensitivities still remain. None of the allergies were life-threatening, but my parents forbid me to consume any amount of the offending ingredients, among which were wheat, milk, and sugar. Just think about that. I was a kid who couldn't eat wheat or milk or sugar. The vast majority of meals and snack foods contain at least one of those things, if not all three.

So suffice it to say, it was a big deal to me when my reactions to such foods waned and my parents' resolve to keep me away from the banned substances abated. The first domino to fall was sugar. The world of tooth-rotting candies opened up to me for the first time when I was in my early tweens, and I quickly became a Starburst connoisseur. I'd go through an entire box during the course of a two hour movie, maybe sharing one or two pieces with my friends, reluctantly. I don't eat them nearly as much today, but when I saw Trader Joe's offered their very own store brand knockoff version, I had to try them.

Interesting. I thought I'd easily prefer the Trader Joe's version, but I'm not blown away. There's something odd and unfamiliar about TJ's candies that's hard to reconcile, especially after my decades-long affinity for name brand Starburst.

There are a lot of similarities, ingredients-wise, and also a few differences. Both have "corn syrup" as the number one ingredient. That's something I'd expect from mainstream candy companies, but not necessarily Trader Joe's. At least it's not high fructose corn syrup in either case. The second ingredient in both cases is "sugar," although the TJ's version specifies that it is, in fact, cane sugar. TJ's product employs the use of coconut oil in place of Starburst's hydrogenated palm kernel oil. I guess that's good. We don't want hydrogenated oils if we can help it.

Surprisingly, Starburst lists fruit juices from concentrate higher in their ingredients than Trader Joe's, which does contain "fruit juice" and "vegetable juice" in their "2% or less" section, which specifically serve as "color added." Starburst still uses chemical dyes like Red 40 and Yellow 5 for color, which are apparently somewhat carcinogenic. So...if you want your fruit chews sans cancer, that'd be a reason to reach for Trader Joe's brand.

Taste and texture-wise, I'm still going with the original Starburst over this Trader Joe's Fruity Chewy Candy. Each of the four classic flavors (orange, lemon, strawberry, cherry) is just ever so slightly less scrumptious than their name brand counterparts, and the raspberry flavor included here is even less memorable than any of the above. As an adult, I don't think I'll ever re-purchase this product at TJ's and I'll only ever eat about two Starburst at a time right around Halloween or Easter, so hopefully that's a small enough quantity to avoid death by fruit chews. If those food dyes are going to do me in, the damage was already done decades ago.

Sonia wasn't exactly overwhelmed by these candies, either, but she can't say she prefers Starburst hands down the way I can.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chocolate & Peanut Butter Joe-Joe's Sandwich Cookies

 

Keep on...with the force, don't stop, don't stop til you get enough....

Classic Michael Jackson song, with extra advice to Luke Skywalker tossed in? Sure, I can roll with that. 

But yeah, there's many forces in the world, and as plain as that statement is, it's even more obvious that chocolate and peanut butter combined is one of them. Is there really any such thing as "getting enough" of that classic confectionary combo? 

In a word, yes, apparently. Because such is the case with Trader Joe's Chocolate & Peanut Butter Joe-Joe's Sandwich Cookies.

Take one of Joe-Joe's usual Oreofied sandwich cookies. He won't mind, and no, the name of the cookie isn't a "Joe-Joe" - that apostrophe in the title name denotes Joe-Joe's ownership of said cookie. I'm not a lawyer but I'm fairly certain a cookie cannot own itself. Anyways, take some peanut butter creme, sandwich between two chocolate wafers, coated in candified peanut butter, and drizzle chocolate atop. Voila. It's peanut butter inside chocolate inside peanut butter inside chocolate. A confection inception worthy of reflection...but it's not perfection.

It's all...just too much. Maybe I'm just getting old and sugar bombs like these don't hold the same appeal unless I'm in the right mood but, maybe, a line has to be drawn somewhere. What's the issue? Hrrmm. It's not the cookie itself - there's absolutely nothing wrong with a good ol' sandwich cookie, especially if it's got a nice creme-y peanut butter tinge. 

Nah, instead, let's go with the peanut butter candy shell. It tastes okay but still seems off - it's not quite the flavor or the texture but maybe somehow a little of both when shellacked over a cookie. There's a difference between regular peanut butter, peanut butter creme, and candy shell style peanut butter, of which of course the coating is the last of and my least favorite out of that trio. Add on top some chocolate drizzle and man...ate one, and had to take a breather afterwards. Had another a few minutes later and that pretty much sank my battleship for the rest of the day. Too sugary. Too rich. Too heavy. Just...too much. 

Maybe on the right day in the right mood these cookies would hit differently but yesterday, when sampled, was not the day. 

A small sleeve of eight cookies cost about $4, so make of that price point what you will. Not awful. And naturally they're awful for you as well. But on the plus side, there's an ampersand in the product name - those are becoming rarer these days. I don't love 'em, but don't hate 'em either. Nothing about them is screaming repurchase or avoid to me, unless my lovely bride has an opinion on them - I totally snuck them when she wasn't looking as payback for eating the whole donut we were gonna share the other day. Don't worry love, there's still some on top of the microwave and no it wasn't the kids - it was me. 

Meh, Let's just go down the middle. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Chocolate & Peanut Butter Joe-Joe's Sandwich Cookies: 5 out of 10 Golden Spoons. 

Trader Joe's Portuguese Custard Tarts

Ah, the Portuguese. First they gave us the man o' war, then they gave us Fado music, later Cristiano Ronaldo, and now these custard tarts. That's quite a legacy.

We have a couple of firsts here. The first first is that, at least as far as I can recall, this is the very first Trader Joe's product we've tried that's actually imported from Portugal. Sweet. I had an opportunity to go to Lisbon once, via train out of Madrid, Spain. I opted for Paris instead. Ah, well. Next time.

The second first is that, at least as far as I'm aware, TJ's is actually giving us air fryer heating instructions on the back of the package. About time. Sonia and I have been rocking a Ninja since Christmas time. You know that if Sonia and I, still attempting to live somewhat minimalistically, have jumped on that bandwagon, that it's high time you do too if you haven't already. Air fryers are friggin' awesome. I won't say this is the first Trader Joe's item we've heated in the air fryer, but I will say that it's the first time we're not just guesstimating times and temperatures and are actually following some real printed instructions...so we can blame Trader Joe's if it doesn't turn out all right.

I'm excited. Let's eat some tarts.

After heating, the tarts were just slightly darkened on the top, near where the custard intersects the breading. The smell wasn't very pungent. It was almost like a faint quiche type smell, by virtue of a very similar crust.

They were incredibly crumbly. The tarts seemed to want to fall apart upon taking a single bite out of them. They were almost explosive the way they flaked apart and spread crumbs all over the plate and surrounding tabletop. I wasn't sure whether to try eating them with a fork, pulling the tart from the little aluminum tray bite by bite, or whether I should just yank the whole thing out to attempt eating it by hand. Neither method was particularly successful at minimizing the crumb carnage. These are definitely not something to eat on the road while driving.

The custard was thick and surprisingly not too sweet. It was much more creamy and eggy than anything else. There's a warm, hearty, homemade quality to it. I'm sure if it were ever Americanized, they'd make the custard much sweeter. Not saying I'd prefer it that way, just pointing out that it's much more buttery than sugary.

$2.99 for four tarts. These would be pretty decent for either breakfast or an after-dinner dessert. They're like a little piece of Portugal right in your own air fryer. Four stars from Sonia. Three and a half from me.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Almond Butter Filled Pretzel Nuggets

What is it that can make certain snacks truly bingeworthy?

Let's see...Pringles are light, airy and crispy. Once you pop you can't stop, indeed. Cheese curls are just fun and salty and help unlock a little inner kid. Sour Patch Kids get that citric acid build up that hurts and stings so good.  Combos are more fun because usually my lovely bride and I snack on them on fun car trips, so there's a fun factor there. There's just some things I can't put down.

So what is it with Trader Joe's Almond Butter Filled Pretzel Nuggets?

Sure, peanut butter filled pretzel nuggets have been a thing pretty much since before the flood. I'll admit to liking pb'ed pretzels...but not loving them, despite being a huge aficionado of both respective components. Somehow, most before have been less than a sum of their parts. I can't binge on them even if I tried...

Not here. Nope. I swear, it's different somehow. Obviously it has to be the almond butter somehow...maybe it's just the slight novelty of a different nut butter filling, but it doesn't seem like that's the end of the story here. The almond butter in these newish TJ pretzel nuggz is softer and creamier than most Grade D pb scrapings inside most other snacks. It's just better, with a milder flavor, that accentuates the toasty crispiness of the pretzel shell just differently, with perhaps a lighter touch, than the usual stiff and vaguely possibly stale fillings of others. Instead, this stuff is just a delight...and this coming from a guy who elven times out of ten would choose peanut butter over almond butter as far as taste goes.

Everything else is on point and as expected - good tasty pretzel shell, a nice little touch of salty/sweet interaction, a bite size nuggets perfect for grabbing and popping. And really,  they'rejust downright good, in a wholesome way. My wife, kids and I polished off a whole bag in only about 5 minutes after school earlier this week, and none of us minded and we're already looking forward to popping into the cart again next trip. Tough to beat for the $3.99ish they cost, but be warned: bingeworthy indeed. None of us here can come up with a single complaint at all, and although not mindblowing, these snack nuggets are worthy of some serious recognition.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Almond Butter Filled Pretzel Nuggets: 9.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons
 

Trader Joe's Chips in a Pickle

Can you believe it's been over five years since Trader Joe's debuted their Popcorn in a Pickle? Makes you wonder what took them so long to put the same flavor on a chip. 

Also makes you wonder why we don't capitalize the "i" in "in" in this product title. I just used the word "in" three times in a row in a grammatically-correct sentence. Didn't set out to do that. But it happened. By that same token, why don't we capitalize the "b" in "but" in "Everything but the Bagel"? What style guide are we following here, Trader Joe? AP? Chicago? MLA? Meh, I'm getting off track here.

Where were we? Ah yes, the summer of '15. We'd just had a privacy fence installed around our property in South Jersey and were doing a lot of backyard camping. The world felt young and innocent and the birds in the trees chirped loudly for a sample of our pickle-flavored popcorn. These days the world feels tired and clownish and the birds in the backyard chirp loudly for a taste of our pickle-flavored potato chips. There's just no going back to the life we knew before.

But that's okay, because these are super tasty chips. I like them just a tad more than their corny counterparts. Sonia likes them just a tad less than the popcorn. Make no mistake, we both like the chips a good bit.

They went with kettle-cooked dark russet potatoes here. At first I was thinking maybe a lighter breed of potato might have allowed the dill pickle flavors to shine a little more, but honestly, this version works pretty well. The potatoes bring a good bit of flavor of their own, but it's balanced out by the taste of vinegar and dill.

I mentioned that I couldn't eat a ton of the pickle popcorn because I'd brine out pretty fast. These potato chips are chock full of sea salt, but I don't feel the need to stop eating after just a few. I want to keep shoveling them in my mouth. They're addictive. They flaunt the same sour vibe as a salt & vinegar chip, but the vinegar's not as intense, and there's onion and cane sugar and a few other ingredients that temper the vinegariness in this product.

As an aside, this isn't the first time TJ's has done a pickle potato chip, although those other ones were spicy, and these are not. I'm not sure if this will be a staple in our pantry all the time, but a repeat purchase or two will probably occur. $2.29 for the 6oz, 6 serving bag. Four stars from Sonia. Four and a half from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Cocoa Chile Spiced Pecans

Up until the age of 5 or so, I lived less than a block from famous Cocoa Avenue in Hershey, PA, walking distance from Hersheypark. The whole town smelled like cocoa, mostly from a cocoa bean mulch that everybody used in their gardens, but also because of the nearby chocolate factory. Being married to a Latina, I've tried all kinds of things slathered with chile powder or cayenne pepper that I probably wouldn't have otherwise—corn on the cob, mango, pineapple, papaya, hard candy, you name it—just about everything but pecans. So this product should be right up my alley, right? Leave it to Trader José to introduce...whoops! Didn't mean to offend anybody! Leave it to Trader Joe to introduce me to Cocoa Chile Pecans.

These pecans aren't as sticky sweet as I thought they might be. They are "candied" as noted on the bag, but not overly so. I think if they had been much sweeter, the chile wouldn't have shined through quite as much. The cocoa flavor is similar to a rich, earthy dark chocolate. It's not nearly as candy-esque as a typical chocolate coated nut.

The spice level is decent. There's not much kick up front, but it's one of those heats that creeps up on you at the finish. It builds up on your tongue as you gobble pecan after pecan. I'd say the cocoa is more prevalent initially, and it slowly gives way to a warm, throat-tingling cayenne pepper essence. There's also cinnamon listed in the ingredients, but it's barely detectable as an independent flavor by my estimation.

There's a little bit of a cough factor. That is, there's enough cocoa powder, chile powder, and powdered sugar that if I inhale at exactly the wrong moment—probably somewhere between the nut entering my mouth and getting it chomped down a good bit by my teeth—I have to hack a minimal amount of said powders out of my lungs. The cayenne pepper is particularly troubling to my respiratory system. Spice in the lungs is no joke, but I must admit, there's something invigorating about chile pepper in the old alveoli. That would make a great band name. "We are The Spicy Alveoli and we're here to rock!" 

$4.49 isn't super cheap for a product like this, but I can't say it isn't worth the price tag, either.  As long as you aren't hoping for something sticky sweet and don't mind the spice, these are worth a purchase if you ask us. Three and a half stars from yours truly. Cuatro estrellas de mi Sonita.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Oven-Baked Cheese Bites with Tomato and Chili

"You know what they called these back in the day?"

Okay, Grandpa, nope. 

"Well, they still called them oven baked crunchy cheese or something like that. i thought it was meant to be like the the burnt corners of ooey gooey cheese that your Grandma would make...but anyways, it wasn't 'Trader Joooooooooooe's'...it was 'Trader Giotto's.' Had none of them fancy spices on them either."

It's true....kinda. Trader Joe's Oven-Baked Cheese Bites with Tomato and Chili are a newer take on the popular product formerly known and reviewed on this blog as Trader Giotto's Oven Baked Cheese Bites. 

There's been talk elsewhere about the rebranding/name changes being done at TJ's. The official corporate stance is consolidating and unifying the "Trader Joe's" brand, as corporations like to do on a continual basis. That's likely not the only reason, and that's valid too. While on the record here on this blog as saying I personally liked the former names TJ's used to market products, I don't really mind the change either....I just hadn't noticed its implementation on store shelves until purchasing this snack. It's probably because I'm totally oblivious. 

Speaking of noticing things....wooo. Open up a bag of these snackers. Again, perhaps it's that I'm oblivious or have a little cold still, but I didn't the cheesy odors wafting up. My wife sure did though. "Smells like odd cheese," she said, without much further explanation, but she kept commenting about it without much further explanation. I don't know either. 

But odd cheese is a good way of putting it. There's...something amiss here flavorwise. The first couple I had, nestled atop the bag, were very tomatoey, and not in a great way. The bites started out like their predecessors - salty, crunchy, cheesy - not bad - but then switched flavor profile to "sweet juicy tomato" without any of the juice of course. It was a bit strong.  

Further down into the bag, there seems to be where the spicy chili seasoning settled in. We're not exactly talking Dante's Inferno here, but the further down I went, the hotter it got. There was still the perhaps-a-bit-too-cloying tomato, but the medium heat chili spices helped tamper it down some....but it still wasn't that great. Something like a little more even seasoning distribution, with perhaps some garlic snuck in to help bridge the gap, coulda made a better snack in my opinion. 

Whatever. My opinion isn't the only one out there. My lovely bride sure likes to eat them up and is more gungho than I, although i think we'd both agree the plain version tickles our particular fancies a little bit better. Something like a combined seven from us probably fits the bill. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Oven-Baked Cheese Bites with Tomato and Chili: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons

 

Trader Joe's Mini Coffee Bean Hold the Cone! Ice Cream Cones

There's pluses and minuses to being an adult. 

Here's a plus: No more having to go school!

Here's a minus: If you have kids, you have to relive all those years again. *Cannot wait* for my kids to be in middle school. Insert eye roll. 

Another plus: You'll have your own money!

Minus: You'll be responsible when things like the 106 year old cast iron stack pipe at your house finally crack and spring a horizontal geyser like Old Faithful. 

Plus: You can do whatever you want!

Minus: You can't do whatever you want!

One last plus: if you wanna eat ice cream for lunch, go right ahead. 

And minus: You'll know enough to know when the ice cream just isn't that particularly good, which kinda puts a damper on the whole affair. 

Sigh. Is what it is, my chosen adult mantra, when it comes to Trader Joe's Mini Coffee Bean Hold the Cone! Ice Cream Cones. 

Usually, us adults in my house like TJ's ice cream and love coffee ice cream. this really should be a slam dunk here. Like, how can this possibly get messed up?

Oddly enough, the answer is easily enough. First: the mouthfeel. This ice cream is bizarre...like it's almost more gummy  than anything else. Cold and creamy, sure...but there's a certain not-right bite to it that's almost chewy. If it had some mochi in it, well, okay, then, sure, but this is purported to be straight up ice cream, and it's just not. It's weird. 

But wait, there's more! Thanks Billy Mays! the taste just really isn't there either for the coffee. Looking critically at this, I think iIcan see why. it's a mini cone, so not so much ice cream - realistically we're looking at a few spoonfuls max per cone here. that's not a lot of really get a flavor going, especially when the vast majority of the ice cream is in close quarters to either the chocolate coating or cone or both. For it to work, the coffee flavor needs to be bold but it's just not, and it's not even just me saying it - it's my lovely bride as well. The ice cream is just kinda tan and bland. 

There you have it. Not quite good ice cream. Dashed desires, emptied expectations, floundered feelings...yup. Just gonna acknowledge it and hope for better next time, though by next time i mean I'm not buying these guys again. Too much disappointment. Matching twos from the Mrs and I. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Mini Coffee Bean Hold the Cone! ice Cream Cones: 4 out of 10 Golden Spoons

 

Trader Joe's Amped-Up Almonds

Whenever I think of things that are "amped-up" or amplified, I think of the classic scene from This Is Spinal Tap when Christopher Guest's character explains to Rob Reiner that his Marshall stacks are unique because "they go to 11." And then Rob Reiner asks why the band doesn't just make 10 louder. There's this brilliant awkward pause and then Christopher Guest goes "...these go to 11." I lol every time.

I'm not sure if an amplifier that goes to 11 is really any better than a regular amp that only goes to 10...and similarly, I'm not sure if these Trader Joe's Amped-Up Almonds are any better than regular chocolate-covered almonds, either. Maybe I'd feel differently if I did hardcore strength training more often, because these almonds are obviously optimized as a pre-workout snack. 16g of protein per serving...and 29g of fat per serving. Hmmm. I'm sure it's good fat, and I'm sure it gets burned off if you're benching your bodyweight for ten reps and you've got less than 15% body fat to begin with.

But hey, I'll leave all that worky outy stuff to the fitness experts and let you know what I think of these little guys just as a stand-alone snack for an average person.

There's a rather thick coating of chocolate here. And it tastes kind of like a chocolate protein shake rather than just plain confectionary chocolate. No wonder. It has pea protein in it. It's not so much pea protein that it ruins the candy aspect of the product, but it is enough pea protein that you can taste something a little health-food-ish, for lack of a better term. It pushes the product's flavor in the direction of "earthy" just ever so slightly, and it pushes the product's texture in the direction of "chalky" just ever so slightly. 

The almonds are pretty much what you'd expect—nice, whole, nut-tacular almonds. There are certain nuts I never get tired of, and almonds are definitely in that category. They've got a good amount of protein just on their own and they work well in all kinds of snacks and desserts. This particular version of almonds is most definitely filling and energizing. For $1.29, it's a lot of bang for your buck in terms of protein and fat, all in a convenient single serving pouch.

Sonia thinks they taste a little weird. They do. For that reason, we'll probably reach for a different almond snack next time we're at TJ's. If you're a gym rat looking to put on pounds of lean muscle, these might be a great choice for a pre-workout energy boost.

Three stars a piece from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Gluten Free Cinnamon Coffee Cake Muffins

It doesn't seem all that long ago that being relegated to a gluten-free diet for any reason seemed to be a sentence for dry, weird, sawdusty, oddly starchy, or otherwise unpleasant substitutes for usual carby goodies like cakes and breads and whatnot. Seems to me I've tried a lot of them and ugh. For a guy who has no reason other than personal choice to avoid wheat, man, it was something I'd rather not do. 

Fortunately, for all the ways in which the world has not progressed over the years, there's some other ways in which they have. Overall quality of gluten free goodies is absolutely one of them, and I can think of no better example right now than Trader Joe's Gluten Free Cinnamon Coffee Cake Muffins. 

My goodness. Admittedly, I'm not usually much of a muffin-munchin' man, but I know a good one when I taste one, and these are absolutely on point. They're soft and crumbly, a little springy and moist, with an almost melt in your mouth feel. Must be all the fats like sour cream and buttermilk...I mean, seriously, don't look at the nutritional label. Shoot, you looked. No, these are absolutely not health food. Just move along. 

Moving along - and the taste! Getting a good cinnamon cake taste profile down isn't exactly rocket science - brown sugar and cinnamon make such an easy dynamic duo - but there's still much to be appreciated when done well, and that's what we got goin' on here. There's these little cinnamon bits floating around all over the place, which when when tasted give this little extra cinnamony spark, with ample molasses-y brown sugar to back it all up. Deeelish. Combined with the super soft moist texture, these muffins are a real treat. 

Only drawback I can think of is the lack of much topping. I'd love a little crumb topping, or instead of that, having something like apple added in. I mean, these muffins are perfectly tasty alongside a steaming warm cup of coffee as one would imagine, or a cup of cool milk if you're like one of my kiddos, but just a little added extra element would really put them over the top. 

Regardless, kudos to TJ's for finding an incredibly good muffin. It's not just a good gluten-free muffin, it's a great muffin, period, with bonus points for being gluten free. There's always extra credit given to inclusion. Love 'em and for $4 might be tough to beat. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Gluten Free Cinnamon Coffee Cake Muffins: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons
 

Trader Joe's Cold Brew Coffee and Boba Coconut Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert

Apparently there's two different types of boba balls out there. Who knew?

The source of this knowledge is my lovely bride, who I trust completely and will try to represent well here. She states there's the type that's usually in bubble teas, of which we very occasionally partake. They're soft and squishy with no chew required and kinda fun, if not a little oddly gelatinous, but firm. So there's the first type, which I knew of.

There's another type, apparently, more common for top-your-own frozen yogurt kinda places, that are more like Fruit Gushers maybe? Like you bite into them and a little jelly plops out...by design. That sounds...challenging to me, to say the least. But if you like 'em, go for 'em!

So which are in the newish Trader Joe's Cold Brew Coffee and Boba Coconut Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert?

Thankfully, to me, the ones present here are more alike the first described, from what I can tell. You bite into them and there's no ooze that slips on out. But that's not to say the bite isn't still a bit odd. I've had things like gummi worms and Swedish Fish in ice cream/ice cream-like desserts before, and usually those bits of candy are frozen hard and tacky and honesntly not nearly as enjoyable as I'd wish. These tapioca tidbits are different. Instead, there's a bit of a firm chew to them - still relatively soft by gummy candy standard, but not all jelly like either. It's...odd but definitely a bit satisfying after becoming accustomed to the feel. i can dig it. 

The rest of the coconut-based not-ice-cream scoopable dessert is okay. The coffee flavor seems a bit mild and tame. My wife says she prefers the more laidback taste, but then again she typically like creamier, more sugary coffees than I do. i prefer black coffee, and so i guess based on that I'd want a bolder coffee taste here. Not to say what's here is unpleasant - it's not - but it's a bit meek. Maybe the sweeter, milkier take is a bit of a homage to milky bubble teas, so I can see why that choice was made. 

Everything else is pretty much on point. There's good consistency to the dessert - not too thick and dense, not too light and melty - and anytime a vegan, non dairy treat that can plausibly pass for ice cream is available, we'll give it a go. It's good stuff, not great, but definitely worth a try. The pint was something like $5 (been a few weeks, sorry) which isn't that far off from most desserts of this type. Sandy will give it a solid four, noting that's nothing perfect ever, while I'm not as optimistic in the score as she as as it pertains to this dessert, but just maybe we'll find the perfect one this summer. C'mon TJ's!

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Cold Brew Coffee and Boba Coconut Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons

 

Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Champignon Mushroom Snack

In my 38.5 years on this crazy planet, I've had many, many snacks. You name it, I've had it, most likely. 

I've also had plenty of crazy thoughts. Like thinking I looked good in those purple shorts back in middle school, or any other number I've had, most of them I dare not admit here. 

But never, not once, have my snacking and scheming ways crossed streams and converged into the thought of "Hey, what I really wanna snack on right now is a crispy mushroom."

You neither? Shocking. 

But hey, that's why things like Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Champignon Mushroom Snacks exist: because others dream just a little bit more, are a bit more creative, or just have different, kinda odd cravings. Thank God for all that. 

As may imagine, a crispy mushroom makes a bit of an odd snack. I hesitate to also call them crunchy as advertised, because it just seems a little inaccurate. The slices are vacuum fried, dried and salted, which leaves a perpetually crunchy outside but leaves the inside a soft baked feel. Like, it's absolutely not crunchy, but not soft and fleshy like an average musroom slice. It's just light and airy and, well, crispy. No other great word for it. It's kinda a fun bite and different than chips or popcorn or any other typical kinda snack. 

My lovely bride, whose sense of taste is still slowly returning after a COVID bout, kept marveling at "the seasoning" on the mushrooms. This is even after I told her a couple times that there's only salt and oil added. There's no extra umami-sprinkle or anything fancy you can do with mushrooms, although that'd be a fun touch. Nah, just salt and 'shroom, and I guess maybe somehow she can taste that better than i can, because to me it's a plain salty taste. Sure, there's a smidge of earthiness from the fungal base, but it's nothing overly flavorful, to me at least, although i too could be a bit hampered. 

In all, it's a light, kinda fun, different snack that probably has a few other applications. Sprinkling some on a salad wouldn't be a horrible idea, and maybe some kinds of soup as well like tomato. No word on if the crispy integrity would hold on up in those scenarios. Or maybe add as ingredient into a savory snack mix. . 

A one serving (!) bag costs $3.99, which may or may not mirror market price of mushrooms so well...I don't keep on tulip bulbs and porkbellies and all that, so judge for yourself. it's a buy I'd make again but am not in a huge rush to - just not so crazy for this snack. Double threes. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Champignon Mushroom Snack: 6 out of 10 Golden Spoons
 

Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Spicy Mochi Rice Nuggets

Hooooooooooooooly smokes. 

Listen, I know I may be getting a tad bit older, with my taste buds not quite capable of handling some things as easily as they have in the days in my youth, but after just two, maybe two and a half bites of the new Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Spicy Mochi Nuggets, I knew I was in for it. 

As the immortally brilliant and always applicable Ralph Wiggum once said, it tastes like burning.

The premise here is simple enough, particularly if you're familiar with the original iteration of the TJ mochi rice nuggets.  What a great snack that is. if you're not familiar with those, man, go give 'em a try, they're worth every penny. 

Anyways, take a perfectly snackable, meg-munchable sack of rice nuggz and coat liberally with a spice mix that's truly pretty darn spicy. And legitimately spicy, not in some sort of pseudo vinegar kinda way. Just take a look at the ingredients: Black and white pepper, chipotle, habanero, red chili. Off to a hot start, especially with habanero. I mean...that's hot. 

But it's not just heat for the sake of heat, and there's a lot of flavor that comes in from all sorts of different angles, like spicy flavor ninjas. Like citrus peel that helps add a little acidic bite. Some paprika and cumin to help run the ground game. Even cinnamon and ginger that tack on their spicy advances. I have no idea what dried sea lettuce is doing here, nor what sea lettuce is...is that another term for seaweed? If one element of all the heat doesn't really get to you, another will. And trust me when I say this, as I failed to get a good product shot, but there's a lot caked on, not enough to make a dusty mess, but it's impossible to avoid. 

Add that to the crispy crunchy slightly greasy and oh-so-good bite of the mochi nuggets and there it is - a neat treat with lots o' heat. I can scarcely eat more than five without having to take a break. There's enough smoky burn that keeps me at bay, yet doesn't scorch quite enough to keep me from wanting more. 

One big demerit: despite being rice based, these mochi are not considered gluten free, presumably because of possible cross-contamination with soy and wheat. Bummer, but at least there's no mackerel like the first edition. 

These mochi are a great snack, as long as you have moderate-to-high spice tolerance. Years ago, I'd scoff at anything calling itself spicy like this, and to this day remain skeptical of many such a claim. Those initial few bites proved I underestimated the mochi. I'll consider myself a fan, as will my lovely bride. Delish. Double fours and a little bit more. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Spicy Mochi Rice Nuggets: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons
 

Trader Joe's Blood Orange Cake Mix with Icing

Editor's note: Today we have a celebrity guest reviewer - Russ's mom! It was her birthday last week and she wanted to write a review for us, so who are we to say no? Read on and enjoy!

Hi Trader Joe's Connoisseurs! We are Russ's parents, Steve and Kathy, and we have just returned from a month on the road in our new RV.  Pennsylvania winters are brutal, so we took our first snowbird trip to Florida.  While we were heading back to the snowy north, we stopped near Charleston, South Carolina for a couple of days.  Seeing a Trader Joe's a couple of miles from our KOA, we offered to stop in and see if there was anything different Russ hadn't reviewed yet.  There it was...an end cap filled to overflowing with boxes of Trader Joe's Blood Orange Cake Mix with Icing.

I must confess, our family is filled with cake snobs.  For years, I have baked cake from scratch.  Our daughter is a professional bakery chef.  We analyzed texture, taste, crumb, and visual.  At less than $4 a box, it was an easy choice to critique.

First, the visual.  I’m not really into loaf-pan shaped cakes.  But what was a bit disconcerting was the color of the batter.  It was bright orange. They used vegetable juice for color, but it did look very artificial.  I then tasted the batter.  Now, don’t get all upset I tasted raw batter.  I just turned 65, and it hasn’t killed me yet.  There was a citrus tang at the end, but the flavor was not distinguishable.  It could have been lemon, lime, or orange.  Only the color said it was orange.  

The baking directions were clearly written, and the cake baked right up as promised. An hour in the oven, 45 minutes cooling in the pan, then flipped onto a plate.  The crumb was quite moist and the texture of the cake was like a pound cake.  I stirred up the icing as directed (you only need one tablespoon water, don’t add two or the icing will be too thin).  The orange taste of the icing, as our daughter put it, tastes like orange toothpaste.  Very tart, not too sweet, but artificial.  We all agreed that while we would finish what we had sliced for ourselves, it was not something that we would want to purchase again.  Our daughter suggested cutting it into cubes as vanilla ice cream topper, it would help cut the taste a bit. Bottom line: 2 spoons.

--------------------------

Well, there you have it. Thanks, Mom! My lovely bride and I just had a chance to try the cake for ourselves, but had the added advantage of learning from our elders and at the advice of social media went rogue and prepared ours with blood orange soda instead of the recommended water. The outcome? Better than what was described here, but still not amazing, and could tell that, as is, the cake mix is a bit of a dud and not going to be a repeat purchase. Our young kids loved it, but not because they know any better. Time to make them a proper cake just like my mama has done for me.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Blood Orange Cake Mix with Icing: 2 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Bottom bottom line: Don't argue with Mom.

Trader Joe's Aussie-Style Chocolate Creme Sandwich Cookies Coated In Chocolate

It's hard to believe that the same nation known for its production of and affinity for something as revolting as Vegemite can also be known for amazing dunkable chocolatey "biscuits" like these. There are those who will argue that Vegemite isn't that bad and that Americans simply don't know how to eat it correctly. It's true Americans don't know how to eat it correctly in the same way we don't know how to eat dirt correctly. 

"Just put a very small amount on buttered bread," they say. "The less you put on, the better it is." Well, I can agree with that. And logically, if you put none on your bread at all, then that yields the greatest possible amount of satisfaction as far as Vegemite is concerned. It's flavored, spreadable yeast, and it's an affront to all that's decent in the world. 

Fortunately, the Ozzies have atoned for their insolence by introducing the world to Tim Tams...and now Trader Joe's has their very own version. I've mentioned Tim Tam cookies and the notorious Tim Tam Slam before in a post about three years hence, but I'll go over it again here in case you missed it.

First you bite off the corners of your Trader Joe's Aussie-Style Chocolate Creme Sandwich Cookie in the manner depicted by the cookie on the right side of the photograph. Then you submerge one bitten corner of the cookie in your hot beverage of choice and then suck on the other bitten corner, thus slurping some of the beverage into and through the cookie in the manner of a large, cumbersome, and highly chocolatey straw. At this point, the cookie will be structurally unstable, especially on the end that's been submerged in liquid, and you must very quickly toss the molten cookie into your mouth. If your hot beverage happens to be hot chocolate, you just might suffer a chocolate overdose of sorts and need to seek medical attention immediately. But trust me, it's the best kind of overdose you can imagine: multiple layers of soft, warm, gooey chocolate just oozing all through your mouth and down your throat. <Homer Simpson-esque gurgling noise> It's something very special.

I haven't had real Tim Tam biscuits in a hot minute or two. They were selling them stateside a couple years back at certain Target locations, but I haven't seen them in a while. To the best of my recollection, these Trader Joe's Chocolate Creme Cookies are extremely similar in taste and texture to the originals. I have no complaints except that you really need to have them with a hot beverage in order to get the full effect. The cookies by themselves are just fine, but with hot chocolate or coffee, they're amazeballs. I think we need to try them with some Abuelita or Trader Joe's Abuelita and get some Aussie-Mex fusion going on.

Get your friends together for an Australia-themed night. Watch some Crocodile Dundee movies, get some take-out from Outback, and finish everything off with a pot of hot coffee and a box of these chocolatey blokes. If someone tells you to include Vegemite at your Oz Night, don't say I didn't warn you. 

Four stars from the wifey. Five stars from me.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.