Trader Joe's Espresso Martini

Trader Joe's Espresso Martini comes in a cute bottle and smells vaguely of coffee. It's not particularly sweet or creamy. It's 20% ABV. I've lived in big cities for half my adult life and I'm not sure I've ever known anyone who has owned martini glasses. Call me unsophisticated. I grew up in Appalachia. If you do know anybody who owns martini glasses, be sure to get chummy with them before you buy this product.

Just kidding. The bottle suggests serving it that way with coffee beans for garnish. But we're here to say that you not only need to chill the product, serve it with coffee beans, agitate it like you mean it, and put it in a martini glass to be palatable, but you also need to add cold foam or some sort of dairy product to approximate any type of espresso martini that is truly delicious or dessert-like in any way. Are we being too harsh?

No. Watch the video. Get our raw, uncensored thoughts about this beverage on YouTube in real time. This product isn't gross. It's not bad. It's just not worth ten bucks per bottle from my standpoint. Sonia and I lounge on our overpriced Lovesac Sactional and drink Trader Joe's Espresso Martini from non-martini glasses. It's YouTube gold. But the algorithm doesn't know that yet. Help us to educate it.

Oddly, the day after we shot the video, I attempted to re-agitate the bottle into a frothy foam, and it actually worked...at least sorta. I think the extra air in the bottle helped. It wasn't like a huge amount of creamy foam, but like the same little bubbly head you might get on the top of a pint of beer. It made the texture better and it may be my imagination, but I almost thought it tasted a shade better, too. Meh. Not enough to influence my final score.

Produced by Nomad Spirits in Los Angeles. That explains the lack of sweetness. Angelenos can't have much sugar or they gain weight and don't get the part on the daytime drama they're auditioning for. $9.99 for the 375 mL bottle. That's 12.68 oz. Kinda pricey. I wouldn't buy again. Sonia might if she had cold foam and a martini glass at her fingertips.

Sonia's score: 7.5 out of 10.

Nathan's score: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Shrimp Noodle Rolls

Alrighty then. That's another unscripted video review down at the bottom of this post, so I'm just throwing out some bullet points about the product for you folks that enjoy my demented written ramblings or don't do YouTube for whatever reason...

The noodle rolls were very delicate by my estimation. They really wanted to stick to my pan and the shrimp even fell out of the rolls in a couple instances. There were plenty of shrimp and veggies, but there wasn't enough flavor. The bag even says to serve them with soy sauce or dipping sauce (not included). It was Trader Joe San Soyaki to the rescue. They were quite bland on their own.

$3.99 in the frozen section. Product of Vietnam. Listed as "Limited Time" on traderjoes.com. This item isn't awful, but we would not buy it again. Six and a half stars from me. Five and a half stars from Sonia for Trader Joe's Shrimp Noodle Rolls.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Crispy Potato & Poblano Pepper Tacos

Visually, these remind me of tacos dorados or fried tacos, although it's been many years since I've had them—the size, the crispy and slightly oily outer tortilla, and the way they're folded tightly so you can barely see what's going on in the middle. If you want a fast food reference, the two for a buck Jack in the Box tacos are similar.

Obviously, the filling is significantly different here. Instead of your typical beef and cheese taco with lettuce and what have you, we've got mashed potato and shredded poblano pepper instead of meat. Sonia says it's similar to a Mexican meal called "tacos de papa," the specifics of which vary from region to region in Mexico.

To me, the execution of Trader Joe's Crispy Potato & Poblano Pepper Tacos leaves a little to be desired. The filling in our six tacos was anything but uniform. The first one I tried barely had any pepper. The second one I grabbed actually had more poblanos than potatoes. The one without many peppers was quite bland, as you might expect. The one with a bunch of poblano had a nice peppery kick to it, but it was fairly one-dimensional flavor and texture-wise.

Fried potato chunks would have worked better than mashed potatoes I think. They're "meatier" in texture and they have more flavor, too. A larger variety of veggies would be in order as well. The peppers are a good start, but a taco needs a handful of different textures. Sonia thinks the peppers and potatoes by themselves are fine in this instance. I suppose we could have added our own lettuce, tomatoes, cheese, and sour cream if we wanted.

Surprisingly, the beautiful wifey also likes the flavor. I think it's okay. It's just lacking something—not necessarily meat. A corn and bean salsa would have gone a long way. Maybe some cheese, too.

In its current format, I would think this product would stand as "vegan," although it isn't labeled as such. $4.99 for six potato tacos. Product of Mexico. Sonia would buy Trader Joe's Crispy Potato & Poblano Pepper Tacos again, while I would not if it were up to me. If they wind up in our freezer again, I'll eat one or two, but I'll dress it up with something for sure.

Sonia's score: 8 out of 10.

Nathan's score: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Beef, Bean & Cheese Burrito

We're tough graders here in general, and we might be extra demanding when it comes to Mexican food. Sonia grew up with it, and we've both been exposed to a wide gamut of comida Mexicana from food trucks to trendy restaurants to best-kept-secrets to holes-in-the-wall to run-of-the-mill fast food joints. We may not be certified connoisseurs, but we're Mexican food enthusiasts at the very least.

Burritos? This ain't Trader Joe's first day at the burrito rodeo, that's for sure. Unfortunately, not many of their pre-made refrigerated burritos have been particularly memorable in my humble opinion. I'll throw out an honorable mention or two just so you know I'm not a hater: Trader Joe's Vegetable Samosa Burrito was interesting and tasty, and we liked the Roasted Turkey & Sweet Potato quite a bit, too.

Again, their other burritos haven't been awful, just...not memorable. Unfortunately, this burrito will fall into that category for us, as well. Sonia says Trader Joe's Beef, Bean & Cheese Burrito is basically what you'd get if you'd open a can of Hormel Chili and stick it inside a flour tortilla. I don't disagree, though I will assert that it tastes just a shade better than that.

Visually, it's unappealing. It's just a lumpy brown mush on the inside. There are very few discernible veggie chunks and what little cheese is in there gets lost in the sauce. Portions of the tortilla came out nice and crispy from the oven, but other sections were a tad leathery and hard to cut with a fork.

The spice blend is pleasant. There is a nice beefy flavor with notes of cumin, onion, and chipotle. There are plenty of pristine pinto beans with a nice taste and texture.

Still, there's nothing that would make me ever want to reach for this product again when you consider all the other myriad burritos at your fingertips. At least with a Burrito Supreme from Taco Bell, you're getting everything you get here plus fresh tomato chunks, lettuce, sour cream, and hot sauce.

$4.49 for the single serving burrito. Wouldn't buy this one again. Six out of ten stars from Sonia. Six and a half out of ten from me for Trader Joe's Beef, Bean & Cheese Burrito.

Bottom line: 6.25 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Four Cheese Scalloped Potatoes

Not to be confused with Trader Joe's Scallopini Potatoes, which is a frozen dish available exclusively around Thanksgiving and Christmas, this cheesy potato product comes refrigerated and is still available currently at TJ's, though it, too, is marked as "seasonal." It comes in a plastic tray with a thin film covering, and they actually want you to bake the product right in the tray. Peel back a corner, plop the tray on a baking sheet, and throw the whole thing on the center rack at 375° for 25 minutes and you've got a steaming hot side dish ready to rock and roll.

This isn't the first product we've reviewed that came in an "ovenable" tray, but I'm not gonna lie, this one smelled a bit like burning plastic at the end of the heating process. There was no discernible melting going on, but the odor was a bit off-putting. The fact that the product itself wasn't exactly bursting with flavors of its own didn't help matters much.

When I read the words "Four Cheese," I expect a rich comfort food flavor that's heavy and bold in the best ways possible. There's nothing offensive about the taste of this product but if I'm honest, it just didn't do it for me. If not more cheese, it would have benefited from a more potent spice blend with onions or garlic.

The texture of the potatoes was a bit firmer than I'm used to with this type of dish—it's almost as if they weren't cooked long enough. On a more positive note, the cheese wasn't overly oily or greasy. I liked that there were shreds of leeks throughout the dish, although I would have appreciated a lot more of them.

In the end, it's a convenient side dish that's innocuous enough and quite easy to prepare, but there's better packaged scalloped potatoes out there. Would not buy this particular product again. $5.99 for the 3.5 serving package. Six and a half stars from Sonia for Trader Joe's Four Cheese Scalloped Potatoes. Five and a half stars from me.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Mini Quiche Duo

Couldn't tell you how long Trader Joe's Mini Quiche Duo has been around. It's not the type of product we'd have pounced on immediately after hearing about it or seeing it in the freezer at TJ's. Full disclosure: I'm not a big fan of pork bacon or mushrooms. Like me, Sonia had a slight reaction to mushrooms in the past, but she's outgrown it and is now starting to become fond of the spore-bearing fungi.

Nevertheless, neither of these appetizers really wowed us. Predictably, Sonia gravitated towards the mushroom tarts while I just slightly favored the bacon ones—but definitely not because of the bacon—but rather because of the sweet onions. Still, both specimens would have benefited from more of the onions, Swiss cheese, and egg elements.

The part we liked the best was the bready, buttery, flaky crust that comes out so perfectly when heated in the air fryer. It's pretty standard for these Trader Joe's tart-style appetizers. There are numerous varieties, and they're all convenient and fun to try. 

I think our favorite might still be Trader Joe's Feta Cheese & Caramelized Onion Pastry Bites, which have been available at the store since 2011.

In short, we're cheese and egg people. Mushroom and bacon people, have at it. Let us know what you think.

$4.79 in the frozen section. Product of Canada. Probably would not buy again. Sonia and I will throw out six out of ten stars each for Trader Joe's Mini Quiche Duo.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Panzerotti Pizza Bites

Four bucks gets you "about 4 servings" of panzerotti. There were 11 little pizza pouches, like mini calzones, in our bag. It's another Italian import, and it's another disappointment, unfortunately.

On the plus side, there's absolutely nothing offensive about these little doughy doodads. They're made of soft flour on the outside and they're filled with mozzarella cheese and tomato sauce. 

Straight out of the air fryer, there are wisps of cheese just starting to ooze from the seams on the little pizza pockets. The only hint I had that these wouldn't be perfectly scrumptious was the curious absence of a fresh-baked pizza smell. There wasn't much odor at all, save for the scent of slightly toasty reheated wheat bread.

And the taste? The same. Remarkably bland for Italian food. You can tell there's cheese and sauce, but it's like they forgot all the spices. I see them listed in the ingredients, but I guess I just want more—more garlic, more oregano, more basil, more pepper.

The texture is pleasant. The shell is soft and fluffy, slightly crispy on the outside, depending on how long you air fry them. The cheese and sauce are nice and gooey, although most specimens could have used a lot more of both. It's mostly just empty space on the inside of the pockets.

You could salvage these by dipping them in tomato bisque or some other kind of creamy, thick soup. Or maybe you could add your own cheese and spices. Again, they're not awful, they just didn't live up to their potential and are far too bland in our opinions.

Seven out of ten stars from Sonia. Six out of ten stars from me for Trader Joe's Panzerotti Pizza Bites.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Garlic Gondolas

I've said it many times: I'm a carbivore. Not necessarily proud of that. It's just a fact I love breads, pastries, cereals, and all manner of grains. I'm also oddly fond of garlic. I wasn't particularly enamored with it as a kid, but as I've grown old, I've come to appreciate its essence not only baked into Italian style dishes but also raw garlic for its potent medicinal properties and pungency.

Garlic bread? Of course I love garlic bread. We've seen our share of it from Trader Joe's. We've reviewed garlic bread with shrimp, bake at home garlic bread, garlic monkey bread, garlic cheese bread, and even garlic bread cheese. Can't say TJ's garlic bread track record has been particularly stellar. In fact, I think we're still on the hunt for a real winner.

If anybody knows how to make garlic bread, it's the Italians. And not only do we have a uniquely Italian product title with this item, but it is, in fact, an Italian import. So far, so good.

Bake at 425°F for 12 minutes on parchment. Done. The verdict? It's garlicky. It might even be too garlicky for some. Obviously, it's not raw garlic since it's been baking in the oven for the past dozen minutes or so. It's a decent roasted garlic flavor that I can appreciate. No, the garlic flavor isn't the problem here.

The cheese flavor is so subtle I wasn't even sure it had cheese until I looked at the ingredients. It's more like a thin layer of an oily garlic paste on a stiff slab of wheat bread. It's not crispy like Texas toast, but nor is it super soft. It's almost like the slightly chewy dough from a slice of New York style pizza but without any tomato sauce and practically no cheese.

It's not a terrible product, but it seems like it's missing an ingredient or two. Paired with a pasta dish, some marinara sauce, or a bowl of cherry tomatoes, it would be passable. The presentation is unique and interesting, but if you're playing the odds, you'll get better garlic bread from the local mom and pop's Italian restaurant.

Probably would not repurchase. Four bucks for two of Trader Joe's Garlic Gondolas, found in the frozen section. Six out of ten stars from me. Six and a half from the beautiful wifey.

Bottom line: 6.25 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Syrah Soaked Toscano Cheese Spread

At this point, we're still kind of recapping a lot of the foods we were munching on throughout the holidays. This is another fancy cheese dip you might serve with fancy hors d'oeuvres or a charcuterie platter. "Soaked in syrah," you say? Yes, please.

Sonia and I went through a syrah/shiraz phase a few years back. It's generally a punchy, earthy red with peppery notes underneath. It's not a flavor you'd think would easily disappear in a tub of Toscano, but I was surprised how subtle it was in this instance. It's definitely there, but this is cheese with a whisper of wine and not the other way around.

It's tangy and herbaceous, creamy and savory. Sonia threw it into her omelets and sandwiches noting that it made them taste a lot more interesting than more common selections like Swiss or mozzarella. Truth be told, she liked it a lot more than I did.

Call me boring, but I don't think anything will ever dethrone the Unexpected Cheddar in terms of Trader Joe's spreadable cheeses for me. While we're on the topic, though, I should mention we bought the Holiday Cheer version again this year and both felt that the recipe had changed—like it was overloaded with cinnamon and wasn't nearly as good as the batch from 2023. Anybody else?

Trader Joe's Syrah Soaked Toscano Cheese Spread & Dip will run you five bucks for the 7.5 oz tub. Sonia will give it eight out of ten stars and a thumbs up. I don't give it a thumbs down exactly, but I wouldn't repurchase for just myself. Six out of ten from me.

Sonia's score: 8 out of 10.

Nathan's score: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Cranberry Ginger Chutney

Well, Thanksgiving is tomorrow and as always, there's a ton to be thankful for. Even in the darkest of times, there are always good people and circumstances that can be appreciated. My heart is truly filled with gratitude as Sonia and I focus on our blessings and prepare for our Turkey Day feast. And with that, I leave you with this mostly negative review.

Trader Joe's Cranberry Ginger Chutney tastes like a chunky-style apple cider vinegar beverage. I can see what they were going for but I'm not fond of the execution. It's way too vinegary for me. We both love Indian food and Indian spices in general, but this? Sonia was way more positive than I was, but I don't think either of us would buy it again.

The cranberry and ginger aspects work quite well. There are nearly whole cranberries in certain bites. The raw ginger and tart cran flavors offset the sweetness and there's just a whisper of bite from the cayenne. It's that sour acidity from the vinegar that throws me off.

It'll be just the two of us tomorrow. I don't know who I pity more: those of you who will be completely alone on Thanksgiving Day or those of you who have more than a handful of relatives to tolerate, LOL. Either way, we'll be with you in spirit. Thanks for reading and have a happy Thanksgiving!

Sonia's score: 6.5 out of 10.

Nathan's score: 5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chocolate Almond Protein Smoothie

Just a quickie for today. Sonia drank most of this beverage. I just tasted it and noped out pretty quickly.

It's chalky as I suspected it would be. I can also taste the pea protein underneath the chocolate and almond flavors. There's really not a ton of chocolate flavor, to be honest.

It was $3.49 for the 16 oz bottle. Sonia liked that it was filling and full of protein. She'd buy again in a pinch but wouldn't necessarily seek it out. I wouldn't drink it again.

Sonia's score: 6.5 out of 10.

Nathan's score: 4.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spice Rooibos Herbal Tea

Although it's not exactly at the top of my list of go-to beverages, herbal tea can be comforting, soothing, and relaxing. There's a host of health benefits and often an enticing aroma. The flavor can be hit or miss in my experience, but with the help of sugar, honey, and other additives, you can usually make the beverage palatable if not downright delicious.

This brew is no different. By itself, it's a little on the bland side. The redbush blend is quite subtle, as is the pumpkin essence, and there's a whisper of pumpkin spices underneath it all. If anything, I think the pumpkin, cinnamon, and nutmeg is a little too understated here, but it's there. It's not an indulgent flavor in the slightest, even with the help of sweeteners.

I'm definitely more fond of the Harvest Blend Herbal Tea, which I'm fairly certain is still available at TJ's seasonally. Also reviewed on this blog: Trader Joe's Autumn Apple Rooibos Tea. Seems like that one may have been discontinued.

Really, to me, the most appealing aspect of this item is the fancy tin box that it comes in. Attractive, sturdy, useful for storage long after the tea is gone. $4.99 for 20 sachets of herbal tea. Kosher. Caffeine free.

Probably wouldn't reach for this product again since there are other options at Trader Joe's that I like more than this one. Put me down for six out of ten stars on Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spice Rooibos Herbal Blend. The beautiful wifey has a different take on this tea. You'll just have to watch the short video review if you want to hear her opinion and score.

Nathan's score: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chicken Sausage Breakfast Bowl

Just trying a different format here. Most of this review was done on the fly in the YouTube video below, but I'll throw out some bullet points in this written post.

Pros: plenty of chicken sausage. Convenient. Filling. Product has a nice blend of salt and pepper flavors in the background.

Cons: the sausage comes in huge slabs rather than crumbled, and it has too much fennel flavor. There's not enough cheddar cheese. The plastic film didn't want to come off of the bowl easily. $4.29 is a little too much money considering the size and quality of the product. 

If you're in a pinch, it'll do the job for a quick and easy breakfast (or lunch) particularly if you're super hungry. Probably wouldn't buy Trader Joe's Chicken Sausage Breakfast Bowl again.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's All Butter Apple Shortbread Cookies

I'm not sure if it's always been this way since I've only lived in this region for five years or so, but seasons here in the Upper Midwest seem to change from summer to winter in fairly short order, practically skipping over the fall season. Things go from too hot to too cold virtually overnight some time in mid-October. Leaves start changing on some of the trees while it's still warm enough for swimming. Others wait until there's snow on the ground.

For this Pennsylvania boy, it's a bit disorienting. I'm used to autumns that creep up on you week over week, month over month. Usually by this time in mid-September, there's a crispness to the air that signals that it's time for warm cinnamony apple flavors and pumpkin spice desserts. Don't get me wrong, I like it here. The climate is just a little different than what I'm used to. And don't even get me started on the weather in Los Angeles. If there are only three seasons here in the Midwest, there's only one and a half in Southern California.

Even though my sleeveless tank top tells me that it's way too early for this apple shortbread treat, it is indeed that time again—time for the first new fall food review of 2024. If you're new here, please note that most of the "new" autumn products at Trader Joe's are actually seasonal items returning from previous years and the vast majority of them have already been reviewed on this blog. You can find them by thumbing through the Blog Archive in the right side bar or by using the Search This Blog bar near the top of the page.

First thoughts? The box is a lot smaller than I thought it would be. It was $3.49 for less than five ounces. These better be some darn good cookies...

...and they're just okay. In our humble opinions, these cookies don't hold a candle to last year's all butter shortbread cookies with raspberry filling. These cookies are harder, crunchier by comparison—not nearly as buttery. Instead of a gelatinous, syrupy fruit filling, they have actual pieces of dried apple baked into them. While I like the idea of flavoring these morsels with real apple bits, there's just not enough apple flavor to make these cookies super memorable.

I can't imagine anybody disliking these cookies to the point of not being able to finish the box, but there have been many more interesting shortbread confections at Trader Joe's throughout the years. We probably would not buy Trader Joe's All Butter Apple Shortbread Cookies again. Seven out of ten stars from Sonia. Six out of ten stars from me.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Grilled Chimichurri Chicken Thigh Skewers

I really liked those chimichurri chicken empanadas, so I figured I'd give these a try. Word on the street is that these are already discontinued, so...this review is largely moot. But there's always a possibility they'll be reinstated at some point in the future.

Conventional oven, microwave, and grill heating options are specified on the box. I was tempted to wing it with the air fryer but then I wondered if the little wooden sticks would burst into flames or something. I mean, logically, if they don't catch fire at 400° in the oven, they'd be fine in the air fryer at the same temp, but there's all that air whooshing around so...I just played it safe and used the regular oven. It took about 15 minutes to go from frozen solid to fully heated.

In terms of appearance and texture, these reminded me a lot of the jerk chicken skewers, which reminded me a lot of wild-caught gophers on sticks. Yum. Not appetizing if you ask me. Sonia and I both found the chicken to be a little chewy and fatty, which we're not fans of. There was even a bit of gristle here and there. I would have preferred breast meat over thigh, but I know some folks like that dark meat.

Flavor-wise, these had a nice spice blend. It's obviously a chimichurri type flavor, similar to the chimichurri sauce we looked at a couple years back but with less cilantro and parsley. In the end, I think I prefer the taste of the jerk seasoning since it had a slight bit more of a kick, and those other skewers actually came with a mango chutney dipping sauce.

$7.49 for six seasoned chicken thigh skewers. Don't think we'd purchase this product again though we had no problem finishing the box in a single sitting. Six out of ten stars from Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Grilled Chimichurri Chicken Thigh Skewers.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Meatless Breakfast Sausage Patties

I've never really been a fan of traditional sausage. I just don't like the taste of most pork products in general and there's something off-putting about the texture to me. Interestingly enough, this product found a way to emulate that off-putting texture fairly accurately. There are like little bumps of...something here and there that feel just like the weird bumps of animal meat in real sausage.

The spice blend is nice and hits pretty close to the spices you'd taste in pork sausage without the actual taste of meat. I'm not thrilled that the base is soy protein and wheat gluten. I'd rather have some other type of bean base, but I guess most fake meats are still made with some amount of soy or soy byproduct.

If you dress these puppies up with cheese, bread, and condiments, they're quite edible and unoffensive. I'd easily pick out that this was fake meat even in a blind taste test. Sonia agrees, but neither of us would prefer traditional sausage over this option in terms of taste or texture. 

We'd both gravitate towards turkey or chicken sausage as our first choice. But if you do Meatless Mondays or just mix things up for the heck of it, this vegan sausage is a passable breakfast option.

There were seven patties in our bag despite the packaging specifying there should be six. About four bucks for the whole thing. The patties are oddly small and don't really fit inside a bun or bagel or even an English muffin. There's excess bread on all sides. 

Sonia would probably buy Trader Joe's Meatless Breakfast Sausage Patties again while I probably would not.

Nathan's score: 6 out of 10.

Sonia's score: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Oven Dried Red & Yellow Bell Pepper Crisps

In the tradition of other crispy, crunchy veggie snacks that Trader Joe's has offered throughout the years, bell peppers are getting their day in the sun...er, their day in the oven, as it were. If you don't know what I'm talking about, see:

Trader Joe's Contemplates Inner Peas

Trader Joe's Kale Chips

Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Broccoli Florets

Trader Joe's Beet Chips

Trader Joe's Parsnip Chips

Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Okra

Your guess is as good as mine as to whether any of those snacktastic veggies are still available at TJ's or not...

As a standalone snack, these oven dried dealies are definitely not my favorite, despite a general fondness for bell peppers of all colors. They're oddly bitter, crusty, and papery.

Crumbled on top of stuff, however, they're pretty neat. $1.99 for the resealable bag. Product of Turkey. Sonia and I will go with six out of ten stars.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.