Trader Joe's Sweetened Dried Lemon Slices

I'm a guy in his mid-30's, but I'll freely admit it: I like my emojis. I won't go too overboard with them, I don't think. I mean, I'm not going to try and write the rest of this review using just them, or narrate my day, or do whatever else kids do with them these days, but I'll let them slip into my every day text conversations with my wife, in my emails and whatnot.

One thing I don't like, though, is how sometimes they don't technologically translate across different platforms. Take, for instance, when Sandy sent me an email from her iPhone to my work email stating she had just tried Trader Joe's Sweetened Dried Lemon Slices for the first time. What I got on my side, on some old Windows platform in Outlook (I'm not even sure if it's XP) was this grim-looking dull face with large eyes that were maybe crying, maybe horrified, or just getting poofy after being stung by a bee. Not sure what it was at all, but I took it as something bad, which to me wouldn't be unexpected after trying a sour mummified citric corpse slice, peel and all.

Nope. It was the hearts for eyes, big smile deal. As in, totally in love.

I'm not entirely sure that's my instinctive reaction, but I think I can muster a thumbs up overall. The package front of these zombie lemon discs say they are "moist" and "sweet." Those don't seem like entirely accurate descriptors to me. These TJ lemon slices are definitely dried out, with nary a drop of anything to be squeezed out. Robert Plant would probably be proud. But when biting through, there's still a softness and certain gumminess to them, that makes seem almost like candy. The candy vibe is kinda picked up by the added sugar which seems to accent the natural lemon flavor without going too overboard and getting too cloy.

What's kinda missing is the big, tart, citrusy bite one would expect from a lemon. Maybe that's contained more or less in the absent juice. Then again, these are fairly snackable as is, and could have multiple applications that a stronger flavor may not have. I could just as easily see these lemon slices as a garnish for a dessert - something creamy and/or had a fair amount of frosting comes to mind - as I could for simple summer salads, and maybe dishes like grilled chicken and veggies as well.

It's a decent sized package and seems a good value at about $3 for the bag. There's plenty to go around in there. These will be probably be a summer-long repeat-buy. Kinda can't wait to try them alongside some iced tea. So, perhaps in short: 🏜️🍋🔪😃👍 💵. Now it's just ⏰ for the 🥄s.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Sweetened Dried Lemon Slices: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Party Cake

"I'm coming up, so you better get this party started."

"Y'all want this party started right?  Y'all want this party started quickly, right?"

"Tonight we're gonna party like it's 1999."

"When it's time to party we will always party hard. Party hard, party hard."

"It's my party and I'll cry if I want to."

So many songs come to mind when the word "party" comes up. Most of them aren't particularly good songs, but they're somehow memorable nonetheless. Parties just have to have certain things: party songs, party people—and most definitely, party cake.

This isn't anywhere close to the best cake I've ever had, but I'll just state right here and now that this product gets a thumbs up from me. It tastes good. Nothing earth-shattering. No reinvention of the wheel here. This is just another one of the many cases where I'm forced to compare Trader Joe's offering to that of every other grocery store in America and I find their offering among the best in terms of overall value. You might be able to find something tastier and/or healthier from a mom and pop's bakery store, but you'd be hard-pressed to find something that can serve eight people for less than $7. 

Sonia will be the resident grump on this one and claim that the icing is "too sweet and oily." She also didn't care for the overabundance of happy, festive sprinkles. I will admit, I'd have enjoyed them a bit more if they were evenly distributed across the entire exterior of the cake instead of mostly just on the outside edge. But hey, we're nitpicking now. Also, I think they wanted the top to be free and clear of funfetti nonsense in case consumers want to plug the top of the cake full of candles or write in some cheesy personalized message like, "Lordy, Lordy, Look Who's 40!" or "Nifty, Nifty, The Washington Capitals Made It Past the Second Round of the Playoffs!"

We both agree the bread part is the best part of the cake. It's not overly sweet. It's soft and moist—er, "not dry," if you prefer. It's got a nice subtle vanilla flavor, and it goes great with milk. What more can you ask of a pre-packaged grocery store cake? Not much. For that reason, I'll give my standard four stars. Sonia's only game for three this time around. She wants a gluten-free version. They should be able to just substitute that wheat flour with rice and tapioca flours, right? Right. Let's get to work on that, Big Joe. Thanks in advance.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Mint Watermelon Flavored Black Tea

Nothing says middle aged suburban peer pressure in the spring and summer than the distant drone of a lawnmower. If the neighbor's yard is mowed, yours has gotta be too. Once you hear one, you'll hear at least three more, guaranteed, in the next hour.

I literally have not had a chance to mow mine all spring long - too cold, too wet, too busy, too something - until this past Wednesday night. Yeah, it was so bad I had to attack it midweek, after work, before dinner. Kept losing the dog in the thicket. And of course, all my neighbors had already, so mine I was busting it out as quick as I could, pushing thru kneehigh grass, raking, sweating, feeling gross, had to get done before it got too late, with storms threatening to roll in so extra humid...ugh.

Fortunately, Sandy made a fresh batch of iced Trader Joe's Mint Watermelon Flavored Black Tea earlier that afternoon. Doesn't that sound like summer in a glass? And my longstanding "refreshment benchmark" is how cooling and pleasant a beverage is once I'm done mowing the lawn, so here was a perfect chance.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

"Mint" and "watermelon" do not sound like natural flavor bedfellows to me. I hold both flavors in close to equal regard...but together? Potential chocolate gum theory application here. But nah, it works. Seems to me it's because both flavors are a very light, natural kinda of flavor, at least when unsweetened. The mint could have been bubblegummy, the watermelon could have been Kool Aid-y, but nope. Just light and crisp, with both flavors about equally present and wellbalanced, while backed by the usual steeped tinge of black tea.

This tea is some pretty good stuff. There's no sticky-sweet aftertaste, no artifical sugar crud, nothing along those lines at all. And yet I feel no need to guzzle it either. A good glassful is about all that's really needed.

Sandy and I didn't try it hot. We probably won't until temps are on the way down, not the way up. My instinct is that it wouldn't be as good as a steamy mug, but I've been wrong. You tell me if I'm wrong.

Count us as fans. Here's one tea worthy of a neighborhood-wide buzz.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Mint Watermelon Flavored Black Tea: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons 

Trader Joe's Smoked Salmon Poke Bowl

It's been nearly two years since Pokemon Go launched, and now there's finally a Pokemon-themed seafood and salad bowl available at TJ's. Go Team Instinct! Wait. What? You say this has nothing to do with the wildly popular augmented reality game that 39-year-olds should totally not be ashamed that they play on the regular?

Apparently, poke (POH-keh) bowls are pronounced similar to the first part of "Pokemon," but actually pre-date the whole Japanese pocket monster craze by a few centuries. Also, they're native to Hawaii. I'll admit I have no previous poke bowl experience. I've heard the term and been vaguely aware of poke bowl joints here in the Philly area, but haven't made it into one yet. I do, however, enjoy salads as well as sushi, so...I should love this product, right? Let's dive in.

I'll save you my usual spiel about Trader Joe's and salmon and simply state that there's no way this product would have worked with nasty salmon. Fortunately, this smoked salmon sushi was awesome. I learned from Anthony Bourdain that sushi isn't necessarily supposed to taste "fresh," but that in most cases it has been frozen at some point, and should boast an umami flavor that fish straight from the sea will never have...or something like that. I'm no expert. But this salmon was delicious. It was smoky, flavorful, and fresh not overly funky. In fact, it was the best part of the bowl.

 

 

The pickled veggies worked well here, blending with the fish, dressing, and rice seamlessly. They added tang and zip, but did not overpower any of the other elements in the bowl. The dressing was nice, too. It was very thin, with a texture similar to traditional soy sauce—but it had a delicate ginger flavor with just a hint of citrus.

The worst part of the bowl? The rice, simply because there was too much of it. I like brown rice just fine, but it was the least interesting element in the bowl. Sonia thought the rice may have even been a bit undercooked. For $5.99, you'd think they could throw a bit more fish our way, along with more exotic veggies and dressing. But the bowl was filled with rice. Before I mixed the ingredients, there was a large "brick" of rice all wadded together at the bottom of the bowl. Just out of curiosity, I checked out a nearby poke place's menu to compare prices. Looks like you won't find anything under $9 there, and most products are more like $10-$13. Couldn't tell you if the serving sizes are comparable or not.

 

 

Another negative: the packaging is a little clunky and overdone. It's difficult to open up the lid without jerking the salad quickly, sending vegetables and fish flying across the table. Likewise, the dressing comes in its own cup covered with a plastic film and desperately wants to be spilled as it's unsealed. And there's yet another little baggie full of miniature seaweed strips, which, to be fair, was quite simple to open, but still seemed somewhat unnecessary. I guess we don't want soggy seaweed.

In summary, we were both pleasantly surprised with the overall flavor of the bowl, but we have a few reservations. I'm certain someone with more poke-experience (no, not Pokemon Go XP) will chime in and give us their opinion in the comments below. If poke bowls weren't a thing, and this were just some random unique salad that Trader Joe's offered, I think I'd throw out four stars for creativity and pleasant taste. Knowing this is a centuries-old tradition with hundreds of restaurants popping up all over the country and offering their take on the dish, I feel tragically underqualified to give an accurate score. But in the end, I'm gonna go with my gut. Four out of five stars from me. Three and a half from Sonia.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Seedy Almond Salad Topper

What's the best part of pizza?

That's easy. It's the little wedgie of cheese that gets stuck on the pan or box after slicing it. With a little luck, there's a good tidbit of topping left on it, too.

Likewise, the best bite of cake? For me at least, it's little scrapey parts, mostly frosting, left over. Clean that up right, that's what I always say.

Or the best chip chomp? When there's just a few little shards left, down in the bottom, which makes them perfect from sliding right from the bag into your mouth. Yum.

So...salad. What's the tastiest part of salad?

Also easy. Gotta be the goodies you put on top.

Nothing against spinach or lettuce or shredded carrots or grape tomatoes or pepper slices or any other veggie part of salad. That's some wholesome goodness. They're what makes a salad good. But what dermines if a salad is goood is the toppings and munchies, especially if you're not one for salad dressing (like me).

So does Trader Joe's Seedy Almond Salad Topper make a salad good or not?

Couldn't tell ya. I ate it on eggs instead.

 To be fair, that's one of the recommended uses printed right on the front of the bag, along with "vegetables" (presumed of the non-salad-esque variety) and cream cheese bagels. We were having eggs for dinner. Had to write a review. Gotta do what you gotta do. And as much as the bag also suggested it was a great idea, I didn't want to eat a little baggie of seeds all by itself.

And yup, baggie. Inside the main bag there's eight seperate single serving size sacks o' seeds. Each contain about the same amount of almond slivers, pepitas, sesame seeds (white and black), and nigella seeds with a slight little spicy kick from crushed red pepper.  As you could imagine, there's nuttiness and a little earthiness, a good bit of sesame, and even almost a little bit of a onion-y to not quite garlic-y essence to the mix, backed by some heat. In some ways, it kinda seemed like the everything but the bagel spice blend, minus the salt but plus the nuts and pepitas. The whole mix is appropriately crunchy and munchy, with a varying texture that did seem a little odd perhaps on eggs - almonds on eggs? seriously? - but I could tell it'd work well in a hearty salad, or on some roasted chicken or grilled veggies, or in several kinds of ways I haven't quite come up with yet but perhaps you have.

It's $3.99 for the big bag, eight servings in there, so basically 50 cents a pop for a small handful of stuff. It'd probably be more economical to make your own if this blend is one you particularly enjoyed, so there's a slight knock. As always, there's a premium for convenience.

Not much else to really say. So, for some, here's the best part of the review: the end.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Seedy Almond Salad Topper: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Hi-Protein Veggie Burger

Maybe it's because of my 9th grade biology teacher, but whenever I hear the word "protein," I can't help but think of science. "Protein" was so frequently the answer to her on-the-spot quiz questions, that if you'd answer one incorrectly with "protein," she'd politely say, "No, but thanks for playing." And just about 50% of the time, "protein" was indeed the correct answer. Any other incorrect answer would be met with a gruff "NO!" along with a personalized insult of some sort, generally along the lines of, "You're out to lunch, Mr. Rodgers!" 

And heaven help those poor students who answered something other than "protein" when it was the correct response. Louise Grove's biology class was more than 20 years ago, but I'm still traumatized. To this day, "protein" just doesn't sound appetizing to me in any context.

But hey, at least the packaging doesn't read "Now infused with delicious structural components of body tissues!" I'm not sure if it would be accurate at all, but you'll never see them even attempt to advertise the presence of any other macromolecules. "Trader Joe's Hi-Lipid Veggie Burgers!" "Trader Joe's Hi-Carbohydrate Veggie Burgers!" "Trader Joe's Hi-Nucleic Acid Veggie Burgers!" None of those work even a little.

So protein it is.

I've gotten pretty good at putting personal bias on the shelf when trying new things from Trader Joe's over the years. I'm not 100% sure my aversion to the word "protein" isn't affecting me here, but there's a good chance it's minimal, at least. These just aren't the best veggie burgers we've seen from TJ's. The Vegetable Masala Burgers and Quinoa Cowboy Burgers would be at the top of my recommendations list.

There are two big, heavy veggie patties, individually wrapped in cellophane. They only give you microwave and conventional oven heating instructions. No stove-top method is listed. We heated ours in the oven. After baking, the exterior of the burgers was slightly crisp and dry, while the inside was a bit soft and mushy.

The main ingredient here is peas—or rather "pea protein blend," (YUM!) but the flavor isn't entirely pea-esque. There's something nutty about the taste, but you can also taste the black beans and a hint of garlic. The overall effect isn't particularly taste-tacular. It's a subtle flavor—some might even say "bland."

On the other hand, it's versatile enough, going well with cheese, lettuce, ketchup, and mustard—pretty much all the usual burger condiments and toppings, but in the end, I think this tastes too much like the veggie burger that red meat eaters are desperately trying to avoid. It tastes a bit like "health food" to me, and for that reason, I'll never buy it again. I do want to reiterate, though, that there are countless meatless options at TJ's that I'd happily consume on a regular basis.

Although she agrees this isn't the best veggie burger option at Trader Joe's, Sonia liked this product significantly more than I did. She liked that they were very filling and easy to prepare. Three and a half stars from her. Two and a half from me.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Toasted Sesame Caramels

"I like them."

"They're a little different, but good."

"I mean, they aren't like my new favorite thing, so I'm not like going to go out and buy all of them and them be my new go to staple item, but you know, they were all right, I guess."

After something like eight years and somewhere around five or six hundred reviews by your truly on here, whenever I ask my lovely bride Sandy about what she thinks about some sort of TJ's product, that's her response at least 90% of the time.

Please note: this doesn't include all the other TJ's things we've consumed but have not reviewed, so it's a lot. Imagine being asked for your opinion on almost everything you eat for years and years, full well knowing anything you say can and probably will be held against you on a blog accessible to everyone in the world. You'd kind of want to plead the 5th after a while, don't ya think? I'm grateful she'll still talk with me about it.

I bring this up about Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Toasted Sesame Caramels because, well, that about sums 'em up perfectly, and I have scant more to really say about them myself.

I like them. I mean, it's dark chocolate and caramel, primarily, which is a pretty solid base. Unless something really goes awry from here, it's a near given for at least a slightly positive review.

They're a little different, but good. It's the sesame, of course. The package shows these caramels as having a sesame-seed tcrunchy toffee base with a little dollop of caramel atop. I'm not saying it's inaccurate...but the amount of toffee itself seems overstated. There's a lot of caramel, and just enough sesame seeds to add a little crispy crunch and some subtle sesame flavor. It's not unpleasant at all, but really, one or two or enough. Theese TJ caramels are decidedly not bingeworthy, at least for me.

I mean, they aren't like my new favorite thing, so I'm not like going to go out and buy all of them and them be my new go to staple item, but you know, they were all right, I guess. Couldn't have said it better myself, love.

As a plus kids probably won't like them too much, and there's a kinda decadent element to them, so it's one treat us adults can savor and keep for ourselves. And at $3 or $4 for the bag, it's not a horrible value either. So when Sandy does her usual eye -scrunched "Hmmmm...three and a half, I guess" when I ask her how many Golden Spoons, that seems about right to me as well.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Toasted Sesame Caramels: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Original Savory Thin Crackers

Sonia let me eat these crackers in our bed. She didn't really have a choice. It's not like I asked permission. She was still asleep.

In my defense, I did use a plate and napkin, and I don't think I allowed any crumbs to spill onto the sheets. If I had, our dogs would likely have gobbled them up anyway.

Often, before I begin my usual work for the day, I'll try to get a head start on the following day's post for this blog very early on. I mean, writing posts for this blog is usually—not always, but usually—the most fun project of the day. But still, I like knocking out as many tasks as possible early on. Lately, I've found myself waking up at dawn without the assistance of an alarm clock. I'm generally showered, dressed, and have completed a number of domestic tasks like yesterday's dishes or taking out the trash, along with a few tweets and pins by 7am or shortly thereafter. So if there's any way to justify my product for review as a breakfast option, it often becomes just that.

Crackers for breakfast isn't that weird I guess. I had these crispy crunchables with hummus, cheese, and the very last scrapings of our garlic spread dip. All of those toppings worked brilliantly with these gluten-free crackers, not that I was expecting anything less.

They're rice-based, and they taste that way. I've had plenty of other rice crackers throughout the years, and the flavor here is pretty similar. There's a significant sesame taste, too, by virtue of not only sesame seeds, but also sesame flour. Sesame seeds don't really thrill or astound me much these days, but likewise, I won't complain about their presence, either. In a cracker like this, the flavor is deliberately muted, so as to showcase the flavor of whatever cheese or topping they're paired with.

Texture-wise, they're nice and thin, slightly brittle, rigid, and very crunchy. They're stable enough for a chip-full of any kind of topping, but they break apart effortlessly when bitten into.

There's apparently a "mini" version of this cracker that's oddly available for purchase on just about every online retailer one can think of. I guess because they're so shelf-stable...? Anyway, this version is $1.69 a pack. Good price. Decent product. I'd buy 'em again. Three and a half stars from me.

Sonia says they remind her of Japanese rice crackers. She's certainly not wrong. She's eager to try them with some different toppings. Four stars from her.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.