Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Spicy Mochi Rice Nuggets

Hooooooooooooooly smokes. 

Listen, I know I may be getting a tad bit older, with my taste buds not quite capable of handling some things as easily as they have in the days in my youth, but after just two, maybe two and a half bites of the new Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Spicy Mochi Nuggets, I knew I was in for it. 

As the immortally brilliant and always applicable Ralph Wiggum once said, it tastes like burning.

The premise here is simple enough, particularly if you're familiar with the original iteration of the TJ mochi rice nuggets.  What a great snack that is. if you're not familiar with those, man, go give 'em a try, they're worth every penny. 

Anyways, take a perfectly snackable, meg-munchable sack of rice nuggz and coat liberally with a spice mix that's truly pretty darn spicy. And legitimately spicy, not in some sort of pseudo vinegar kinda way. Just take a look at the ingredients: Black and white pepper, chipotle, habanero, red chili. Off to a hot start, especially with habanero. I mean...that's hot. 

But it's not just heat for the sake of heat, and there's a lot of flavor that comes in from all sorts of different angles, like spicy flavor ninjas. Like citrus peel that helps add a little acidic bite. Some paprika and cumin to help run the ground game. Even cinnamon and ginger that tack on their spicy advances. I have no idea what dried sea lettuce is doing here, nor what sea lettuce is...is that another term for seaweed? If one element of all the heat doesn't really get to you, another will. And trust me when I say this, as I failed to get a good product shot, but there's a lot caked on, not enough to make a dusty mess, but it's impossible to avoid. 

Add that to the crispy crunchy slightly greasy and oh-so-good bite of the mochi nuggets and there it is - a neat treat with lots o' heat. I can scarcely eat more than five without having to take a break. There's enough smoky burn that keeps me at bay, yet doesn't scorch quite enough to keep me from wanting more. 

One big demerit: despite being rice based, these mochi are not considered gluten free, presumably because of possible cross-contamination with soy and wheat. Bummer, but at least there's no mackerel like the first edition. 

These mochi are a great snack, as long as you have moderate-to-high spice tolerance. Years ago, I'd scoff at anything calling itself spicy like this, and to this day remain skeptical of many such a claim. Those initial few bites proved I underestimated the mochi. I'll consider myself a fan, as will my lovely bride. Delish. Double fours and a little bit more. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Spicy Mochi Rice Nuggets: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons
 

Trader Joe's Golden Vale Irish Cream Liqueur

Ah, Irish cream. I can remember the first time I tried it. I couldn't tell you the exact date for sure, but I want to say it was right around St. Patrick's Day, probably in the late winter/early spring of 2001. Two of my PSU flatmates and I traveled to a local state store in Centre County, PA to grab a bottle of Bailey's. Since we were all on a college budget, we split the cost three ways and spent the remainder of the evening sitting around in our living room, sipping on the smooth, sweet liqueur on ice. We measured each glass ounce by ounce, making sure none of us got too much more than the others. To us, that stuff was pure gold.

Speaking of gold, I had to look up "Golden Vale." Apparently, it's a region in southwestern Ireland. I'd love to visit someday. Those rolling hills and green pastures look so peaceful and placid. And hey, they apparently make some Irish cream there. Also, I wonder what St. Paddy's Day is like in Ireland...

See there I spelled it "St. Paddy's Day." I got yelled at by some proud Irish folk for calling it "St. Patty's Day" a few years back. They insisted that "Patty" with "t's" is always a girl's name, and that the version with "d's" is the boy's version, signifying Padraig. If that's the case, then why not call it Saint Padraig's Day even here in America? It's more authentic that way, right? I'm all about authenticity.

And on that note, it's time to point out that this Irish cream liqueur is, in fact, from Ireland. I like buying American when it's practical, but there are some goods that should be imported. This is one of them. I've had other brands of Irish cream liqueur from the good ol' USA before, and they fall decidedly shy of Bailey's and this offering from Trader Joe's. Another advantage of this version: it's one of the cheapest offerings I've seen, significantly less pricey than its name-brand counterpart—this one's $10.99 for the 750ml bottle. Bailey's is often $25 and up for the same size.

The taste? Exceptionally smooth and creamy. It's similar to other Irish cream liqueurs, but this one's a bit more in the direction of caramel. It looks and tastes just ever so slightly more "golden" than other Irish creams. It's still sweet, and there's a milky flavor to it, and the 17% ABV gives it a hint of an alcoholic harshness, but that caramel undertone makes it unique and very tasty. Sonia and I both agree it's just a tad better than Bailey's.

There's only about a week left until St. Padraig's Day. What will you be drinking? I don't know if I've ever seen Guinness at Trader Joe's, but I'd whip up some Irish car bombs if there's any of this Irish cream left over next week. I suppose a TJ's brand stout would do.

Four and a half stars from me. Four from Sonia.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Blood Orange Cake Mix with Icing

Editor's note: Today we have a celebrity guest reviewer - Russ's mom! It was her birthday last week and she wanted to write a review for us, so who are we to say no? Read on and enjoy!

Hi Trader Joe's Connoisseurs! We are Russ's parents, Steve and Kathy, and we have just returned from a month on the road in our new RV.  Pennsylvania winters are brutal, so we took our first snowbird trip to Florida.  While we were heading back to the snowy north, we stopped near Charleston, South Carolina for a couple of days.  Seeing a Trader Joe's a couple of miles from our KOA, we offered to stop in and see if there was anything different Russ hadn't reviewed yet.  There it was...an end cap filled to overflowing with boxes of Trader Joe's Blood Orange Cake Mix with Icing.

I must confess, our family is filled with cake snobs.  For years, I have baked cake from scratch.  Our daughter is a professional bakery chef.  We analyzed texture, taste, crumb, and visual.  At less than $4 a box, it was an easy choice to critique.

First, the visual.  I’m not really into loaf-pan shaped cakes.  But what was a bit disconcerting was the color of the batter.  It was bright orange. They used vegetable juice for color, but it did look very artificial.  I then tasted the batter.  Now, don’t get all upset I tasted raw batter.  I just turned 65, and it hasn’t killed me yet.  There was a citrus tang at the end, but the flavor was not distinguishable.  It could have been lemon, lime, or orange.  Only the color said it was orange.  

The baking directions were clearly written, and the cake baked right up as promised. An hour in the oven, 45 minutes cooling in the pan, then flipped onto a plate.  The crumb was quite moist and the texture of the cake was like a pound cake.  I stirred up the icing as directed (you only need one tablespoon water, don’t add two or the icing will be too thin).  The orange taste of the icing, as our daughter put it, tastes like orange toothpaste.  Very tart, not too sweet, but artificial.  We all agreed that while we would finish what we had sliced for ourselves, it was not something that we would want to purchase again.  Our daughter suggested cutting it into cubes as vanilla ice cream topper, it would help cut the taste a bit. Bottom line: 2 spoons.

--------------------------

Well, there you have it. Thanks, Mom! My lovely bride and I just had a chance to try the cake for ourselves, but had the added advantage of learning from our elders and at the advice of social media went rogue and prepared ours with blood orange soda instead of the recommended water. The outcome? Better than what was described here, but still not amazing, and could tell that, as is, the cake mix is a bit of a dud and not going to be a repeat purchase. Our young kids loved it, but not because they know any better. Time to make them a proper cake just like my mama has done for me.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Blood Orange Cake Mix with Icing: 2 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Bottom bottom line: Don't argue with Mom.

Trader Joe's Aussie-Style Chocolate Creme Sandwich Cookies Coated In Chocolate

It's hard to believe that the same nation known for its production of and affinity for something as revolting as Vegemite can also be known for amazing dunkable chocolatey "biscuits" like these. There are those who will argue that Vegemite isn't that bad and that Americans simply don't know how to eat it correctly. It's true Americans don't know how to eat it correctly in the same way we don't know how to eat dirt correctly. 

"Just put a very small amount on buttered bread," they say. "The less you put on, the better it is." Well, I can agree with that. And logically, if you put none on your bread at all, then that yields the greatest possible amount of satisfaction as far as Vegemite is concerned. It's flavored, spreadable yeast, and it's an affront to all that's decent in the world. 

Fortunately, the Ozzies have atoned for their insolence by introducing the world to Tim Tams...and now Trader Joe's has their very own version. I've mentioned Tim Tam cookies and the notorious Tim Tam Slam before in a post about three years hence, but I'll go over it again here in case you missed it.

First you bite off the corners of your Trader Joe's Aussie-Style Chocolate Creme Sandwich Cookie in the manner depicted by the cookie on the right side of the photograph. Then you submerge one bitten corner of the cookie in your hot beverage of choice and then suck on the other bitten corner, thus slurping some of the beverage into and through the cookie in the manner of a large, cumbersome, and highly chocolatey straw. At this point, the cookie will be structurally unstable, especially on the end that's been submerged in liquid, and you must very quickly toss the molten cookie into your mouth. If your hot beverage happens to be hot chocolate, you just might suffer a chocolate overdose of sorts and need to seek medical attention immediately. But trust me, it's the best kind of overdose you can imagine: multiple layers of soft, warm, gooey chocolate just oozing all through your mouth and down your throat. <Homer Simpson-esque gurgling noise> It's something very special.

I haven't had real Tim Tam biscuits in a hot minute or two. They were selling them stateside a couple years back at certain Target locations, but I haven't seen them in a while. To the best of my recollection, these Trader Joe's Chocolate Creme Cookies are extremely similar in taste and texture to the originals. I have no complaints except that you really need to have them with a hot beverage in order to get the full effect. The cookies by themselves are just fine, but with hot chocolate or coffee, they're amazeballs. I think we need to try them with some Abuelita or Trader Joe's Abuelita and get some Aussie-Mex fusion going on.

Get your friends together for an Australia-themed night. Watch some Crocodile Dundee movies, get some take-out from Outback, and finish everything off with a pot of hot coffee and a box of these chocolatey blokes. If someone tells you to include Vegemite at your Oz Night, don't say I didn't warn you. 

Four stars from the wifey. Five stars from me.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Vegan Taco Salad Kit

If you're gonna be one thing, you should be efficient. 

So, in that spirit, why not roll Meatless Monday into Taco Tuesday? Especially because, in our house, Mondays are breakfast for dinner night, and more often than not that means bacon, and you don't ever ever ever mess with bacon. Ever. Find someone who disagrees with that - even some vegetarians and vegans wouldn't. 

So in the spirit of efficiency (not one of my usual traits), let's get down to Trader Joe's Vegan Taco Salad Kit. 

I'm pretty sure this *has* to be new. My lovely bride and I scan the salad kit section every single time, as pretty much any salad kit we've ever bought from TJ's has been a hit. We love salads and tacos and naturally taco salad, and while carnivorous we don't mind vegan options either, so we would've bought this long ago if it ever showed up on the radar previously. 

Digging in, there's some pretty basic stuff here. The mixed salad base is the exact same basic mix seen everywhere for salad - romaine, red cabbage, green cabbage, shredded carrot. It's a classic for a reason - it works. Will it inspire you? Likely not, but it will fill you and serve as an adequate base for the real draw - all the fixin's. 

There's a small baggie of crispy purple tortilla shreds, with emphasis on small. Between my wife and I, who ate this for lunch, we got maybe 10 shreds each. That's not a lot for something purporting to be a five serving bag. Nonetheless they were crispy and tortilla-y so it works. The pico was a a touch spicy and added some nice components to the meal that made it a bit more festive and lively. Kinda funny how something basic like corn and black beans can do that, but there it is, with little touches of cilantro and jalapeno. Delish. And the jalapeno ranch was a hit too - the "flow" seemed a bit off as it was a bit more ploppy than pour-y but once mixed in it didn't matter. it added another little kick with a smooth cool creaminess than kinda helped meld everything together. 

And then, chipotle seitan. Wheat masquerading as seasoned ground beef. How's that gonna work?

A bite of seitan by itself makes it pretty obvious it's not ground beef. The flavor is there but the meaty gristle isn't. It's also a touch, well, grainy, obviously. By itself, I'd say it's not wonderful but isn't revolting either. Mix it in with everything else here, though? It works, wonderfully. The taste shines through and any texture issues get masked well by everything else. I'll give it a pass for sure. 

Overall, both my wife and I tremendously enjoyed the salad. Everything about it screamed "taco salad!" and we weren't missing anything - there was no "oh this could use some cheese" or missing any common-to-us protein sources or any dairy or anything. It's remarkably good, and I have a feeling we'll be sharing a bag for a quick, easy, healthyish lunch quite a few times coming up. The kit cost $5.49 and is well worth it in my opinion - just a few more tortilla shreds and a bit more of the ranch though, please. Otherwise, quadruple thumbs up here.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Vegan Taco Salad Kit: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

 

Trader Joe's Za'atar Seasoning Blend

Certain things I've never heard of before seem to pop up everywhere all at once. Apparently this seasoning has been around literally for millennia, but I don't think I, personally, heard of it until this product was released at Trader Joe's. Just in the past month, I've seen this seasoning on the shelves of other grocery stores, I've seen people mention it on social media, and some came with our latest HelloFresh meal. It's like the spice version of the Baader Meinhof phenomenon, which I've mentioned on this blog before.

Anyway, it's a Mediterranean/Middle Eastern spice, and it goes with pretty much anything Mediterranean or Middle Eastern. Imagine that. Its number one ingredient is sesame seeds, followed by spices like thyme, coriander, marjoram (never heard of that before, but I'm sure it will come up several times a day now) and oregano. There's also chickpea flour, sea salt, sunflower oil, and lemon oil.

It adds just the right amount of zest and nuttiness to fish, hummus, eggs, and salads, and makes them taste like they came from a gourmet Mediterranean restaurant. It makes exotic meals taste just that much more exotic—balela, couscous, spanakopita, falafel, you name it. In many cases, those dishes already have some of the same spices in them and extra za'atar simply enhances those flavors. 

It's green and flakey. Flavor-wise, it's a little bit savory and a little bit tangy. You'll definitely get some seeds stuck in your teeth. Like most of Trader Joe's other seasoning blends, this selection will run you $1.99. There are technically 106 servings in the little shaker, but I'm thinking most people will use enough of it that it won't last that long. It won't be the boldest or strongest seasoning blend in your spice rack, but it definitely has its appropriate time and place.

Three and a half stars from me. Four from the wifey.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chile Spiced Pineapple

Perhaps this is not a universal truth, but here in Pittsburgh it is: No matter how cold it is, you'll definitely see a guy wearing shorts. 

Sure, it's true now, at the end of February and us going through the interminable "false spring" where temps hit the 50s before plunging back to subzero the following week. heck, I was the dude in dungarees earlier today. But even in the midst of coldest, darkest, polar vortex-est winter, you'll see it: a guy wearing shorts. Guaranteed. 

What's this have to do with Trader Joe's Chile Spiced pineapple? Glad you asked. The answer is, obviously,, well...ummm..you see...no idea. Something something promise of warmth and perhaps summery but really not quite there and quit fooling yourself. Yeah...something like that. 

I picked up a small sack of eight slices on my latest TJ's run. No idea if they're newish or not, but I hadn't seen them before, and thought them to be a summery looking bite, with perhaps a little intrigue. For less than $3, it was an easy sell.

The actual product though? Ugh. It fails to deliver, with seemingly a two fold problem. 

First: the actual texture. I was expecting dried pineapple like the little chunks, you'd find ain a snack mix. You know, dry, kinda chalky, a wee bit stiff and fibrous. That's a great texture. these rings, though? They're soft and pliable and rubbery, as if they were halfbaked. Like a bad fruit jerky. It's not a pleasing or texture to have to try and rip off chunks with your teeth instead of a cleaner bite. No thanks. 

But then here's the rub...literally. That chile seasoning is not so great, and it's easy to see why. but first, a little background: if you're not familiar with pineapple, it's sweet with a lot of sugar. The pineapple here is a regular pineapple, just strangely chewier. So, innately speaking, there's already  plenty of sugar....so WHY ADD MORE SUGAR TO A SPICE RUB FOR SOMETHING ALREADY SO SUGARY??? A rub like this might work on a pork butt but a sugary fruit? No! The result is an over cloyingly sweet taste trying to balance out some seasoned burn from chile peppers and friends let me tell you that this isn't happening here. It's all out of whack and just not very good. Barely any spice can be detected - a little, but not enough, especially for how red and potent each slice appears to be. 

Not a fan. I'll finish the bag...eventually....maybe...and be done with it for good. I just don't like being left out in the cold like that. My lovely bride isn't much of a fan either. I think we'll be nice and somehow give the psuedo-spicy sugary pineapple chew rings a 3 between us. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Chile Spiced Pineapple: 3 out of 10 Golden Spoons

 

Trader Joe's Kibbeh

Although I haven't been there myself yet, I've known numerous people who've either lived in or visited Israel throughout the years. At least one of them referred to falafel as "Israeli hamburger" with a smidge of disdain. I, personally, could replace hamburgers with falafel and be perfectly happy. But I've often wondered if the reverse were true: if any Levantine people, upon being presented with beef or hamburger, thought, "Oh, this is that American cow falafel I've heard so much about."

That's probably a silly notion, since Middle Eastern diets do include beef. It might not be as ubiquitous as it is here in middle America, but there are a number of Mediterranean dishes that involve red meat. Kibbeh is apparently made with lamb just as often as beef, if not more so. I'm not a huge fan of lamb, so I'm glad this Trader Joe's offering went with another option.

The kibbeh are roughly football-shaped. That's American football-shaped, just to be clear, not futbol internacional...in case you don't speak 'Murican. They're so close to football-shaped, I'm actually wishing we'd broke these out a few weeks ago for the Superbowl. Ah well, there's always next year.

The "shell" is a firm, bread-like crust. I'm guessing that's the bulgur wheat mentioned on the box. It's not tough or chewy at all, but it has a much firmer texture than the ground beef within. The meat is tender and slightly juicy, but not oily or greasy. It's very lightly seasoned and flaunts a mild flavor profile.

It's so mild that it begs for some fixins, in my opinion. My instincts told me to throw a big slab of cheddar cheese on the kibbeh and slather it with ketchup and mustard, but then I came to my senses. 

I just had some beans and veggies on the side and added some extra seasoning. But what I really wish we'd have had on hand to pair with this dish is some baba ghanoush, garlic spread, tzatziki, or zhoug sauce. Even hummus might go well with these Middle Eastern meatballs.

It's another unique selection that I'm glad I got to try. Thanks for broadening my horizons again, Trader Joe's. I'd consider a repeat purchase, but next time, I'll be sure to pick up the appropriate condiments. They're nothing to complain about on their own. $4.79 for six beefy footballs. Three and a half stars from me. Four from Sonia.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Crispy Peanut Butter Filled Milk Chocolate Peanuts

"A stopped clock is right once a day."

Had a friend who used to go around saying that, and if you said "Uh, wouldn't that be twice?", he'd snap back with "It's on military time!" and think he was being really funny. Sigh. 

So anyways, a similar sentiment to a stopped clock being correct however many times you want it to be is: Even a blind squirrel finds a nut every once in a while. Don't know how you can get too smart with that one. 

So, what if this blind squirrel were to stumble across some Trader Joe's Crispy Peanut Butter Filled Milk Chocolate Peanuts?

Good question. Depending on how hungry that squirrel was - it may have been a while since it's last nutty snack, the poor little guy - or if he's dodging hawks or something, at first that squirrel may think it's just a normal nut. The size of these new filled chocolate treats are fairly peanut like - maybe a touch bigger, peanut shell textured and all - and for all intents and purposes each piece is definitely as peanutlike as a piece of chocolate can be on the exterior. It's a little bit of artistry, maybe not quite enough that a blind squirrel could fully appreciate it, but present nonetheless. Maybe that squirrel's sense of touch is a bit off as well.

But once that little bushytailed rodent sank its teeth in, there's an undeniable difference. As you can see, the exterior shell is completely made of fairly thick-to-scale milk chocolate. Speaking as someone who has incidentally ingested actual peanut shells once or twice, there's no mistaking that difference. The chocolate is soft and welcoming, sugary and sweet just like a good milk chocolate, and hits all the right dopamine centers. Nothing wrong with it - if it indeed tasted like a peanut shell that'd be very different. 

Further in, let's say that squirrel was in such a rush that s/he didn't notice the shell difference and was straight driving for that crunchy peanut in the middle. Would that squirrel be disappointed at the soft, creamy peanut butter in the hallowed out middle? I can't answer for anyone but myself, and I wasn't. Don't think a Reese's experience - while delicious, their pb tends to be somewhat dry and chalky, while this pb is more of Skippy or Jif experience. Delish, and great for candies. Love it, and could definitely tell the difference in a blind taste test. 

But what neither that squirrel nor anyone else could detect would be anything fulfilling the packaging's promise of a crispy undertaking. there's supposed to be some toasted rice type crispy crunchies in here. There's scarcely any - maybe two grains per candy. That's...not enough for anything that says it'd be crispy. Put more of that ricey goodness in the chocolate shell - that'd be awesome! Or make more of peanut butter rice crispy treat type center, and coat with plain chocolate - also a great idea. Or go for gold and do both - that might be a little overkill but i think it'd work. 

So yeah, let's shoo away that squirrel and wrap it up. These TJ treats are good and tasty, in a somewhat novel form, but aren't appreciably different from many other choc and pb based candies. Gotta step up that crisped rice game. No one in our house dislikes them, and the little baggie that sells for $3ish bucks goes way too fast with only like 15 of them in there. Pretty average in the end, I guess. Can't always find that golden nut. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Crispy Peanut Butter Filled Milk Chocolate Peanuts: 6.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons 

 

Trader Joe's Cold Brew Coffee & Cream Liqueur

I guess the whole upper and downer all in a single beverage isn't a new concept. I love Red Bull and I'm fine with vodka when coupled with appropriate mixers, but blending the two together? Stimulants and depressants both at the same time make me spazzy.

Some might say I'm spazzy to begin with. That's fine. I won't argue the point. 

Stuff like Kahlua, coffee liqueur, or this cold brew beverage? Same thing. There's real coffee with real caffeine as well as alcohol. But you know, it tastes so gosh dang good, I have some every chance I get, which realistically isn't all that often.

I guess the real question is: when is the appropriate time to enjoy such a beverage? I, personally, can't have it before bed as a nightcap, because it'll keep me up into the next morning. I suppose some could get away with the whole Irish coffee thing and have it in the morning, especially if you work from home and don't need to drive anywhere, but I know I don't function very efficiently that way, depending, of course, on what I'm working on and how into it I am.

I suppose the best time for me to consume such a beverage would be right after dinner, still hours before bed, but after the day's tasks are completed. It's a narrow window, indeed. And it still might keep me up a little later than usual. Even more likely: I'll be in a spazztastic mood that'll annoy Sonia and anyone else around, making all involved wish I'd simply stuck to an upper or a downer and not both simultaneously.

Of course, I exaggerate the effects of such beverages. I don't think there's enough caffeine or alcohol in this drink to really do any harm to me or anyone else. I just needed a lead-in for the review, and stream-of-consciousness seemed as good an angle as any.

The product? It's sure tasty enough. The coffee element isn't overdone. It doesn't taste like a pot of black java. It's more like a premixed frappuccino or what-have-you. I guess cold brew coffees tend to be a little smoother and less bitter than other selections. It's super creamy, slightly thick, and almost velvety, texture-wise. It's only moderately sweet, well-balanced flavor-wise. It's perfect in a cocktail glass with a few ice cubes to keep it cold and thin it out as they melt.

Sonia was quite smitten with this liqueur. She's generally way more into coffee products than I am. She almost always sips her drinks super slowly, while I'm more of a chugger—and that goes for everything from water to juice to fine cream liqueurs—although I must say she downed this selection uncharacteristically quickly. She liked it significantly more than Kahlua, stating that it's much less harsh and more palatable.

For less than $10, it's worth a try for coffee connoisseurs and boozehounds alike. The quality is on par with any other cream liqueur, a la Bailey's or RumChata, with a distinct cold brew coffee taste. The wifey and I will both give it a thumbs up.

Four stars from me. Perfect five from Sonia.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Calabrian Chili Tomato Dumpling Soup

Chances are, it's pretty cold where you are right now. It sure is here in the 'burgh. Cold enough that it killed our new battery in the family minivan out of nowhere, and naturally at a fairly inopportune time and place - as if there is such thing as a "good time" for that to happen. Cold enough to make being outside for more than two minutes worth questioning your sanity. And given the news stories and social media feeds we've seen from elsewhere, we're fairly lucky here in the 'burgh as other areas have been much more deeply impacted. 

Cold, cold, cold. Please, keep warm. If you can help others get warm too, please do. 

And maybe to help warm up yourself, get a big ol' jar of the new Trader Joe's Calabrian Chili Tomato Dumpling Soup. 

Listen: this ain't no ketchup water from a can. Warhol, when asked why he painted soup cans, said he wanted to paint nothing, and that soup cans were that - nothing. Given his choice of subject matter, in the famous red and white label, I can see why he said that. 

This ain't that. 

First: calabrian chili peppers. Even if you've only ever been to TJ's, you've seen them before, in probably my favorite product ever: the Italian bomba sauce. Mama mia! That's some hot stuff. The calabrese experience in the tomato soup isn't quite the same kick - it's not fermented or anything like the bomba, so a lot less kick - but still there's enough moderate spice and heat and warmth added. If you're staunchly spice adverse, it may be a bit much, but it's at a level that i think it'd be accessible to most folks. Then again I can eat an entire jar of the bomba with a spoon in minutes, so my scale may be off. 

And additionally: dumplings!

Man, who doesn't like dumplings? You can put some in my soup anytime! I love little bits of doughy dough floating around, in a form that's akin to but chewier and doughier than a noodle. Tasty. There's an extra heartiness imparted by the presence of the dumplings, that make the soup feel like less of a side and more of a meal. But there could definitely be more - I'm not asking for handful and handfuls, as the soup is actually pretty tasty and doesn't suffer without dumplings, but a few more would really fill it out more. 

All together, it's delicious, warm, hearty soup, with a little kick, with serious warm belly filling potential, in a convenient quick and easy glass jar, for like $3. Can't beat it. This might be my new favorite store brand soup. Gonna have to go get it a few more times, you know, if the car would start....

Wife and kids sat this out. My lovely bride doesn't like tomatoes, and my kids don't like spice. Oh shucks, more for me. Love it, with only the wish for more dumplings as a knock. So good, so warm on up with some yourself if I may suggest. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Calabrian Chili Tomato Dumpling Soup: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons

 

Trader Joe's Vegetable Samosa Burrito

I'm not into globalism as far as politics are concerned, but I must admit, when international cultures entwine, some pretty interesting and enticing culinary combinations result.

I'm thinking taco pizza, curried chicken salad, or Chicano hamburgers...or the fact that you can put sriracha on anything American and make it better. Fusion food. The only thing finer than one tasty tradition is two or more combined in the same dish. And now they're doing stuff like sushi corn dogs, kimchi quesadillas, and pierogi poutine...? What the what? I'll have to try those things some day...but until then, I'm glad there's Trader Joe's.

So it's a samosa...in the form of a burrito. Sounds good. If you use the microwave, this happy little lunch item goes from refrigerated to piping hot in just two minutes.

Despite being a little stuffy from the excessive cold we're feeling here in the upper midwest, that familiar curry-esque samosa smell cut through the kitchen and piqued my appetite immediately. Sonia and I cut our burrito in half and ate it with some other leftover Indian food and rice. By itself, it would have been the perfect size for a stand-alone lunch or even dinner for one person.

There were big chunks of potato, cauliflower, and carrots, plus plenty of large whole peas throughout the dish. The texture of the veggies was just about perfect. The tortilla would have been a bit more crispy had we used the oven, no doubt, but we were fine with it being soft and supple. It's definitely a secondary element after the veggie chunks.

To me, "tomato chutney" doesn't sound particularly appetizing or exciting. But it tasted great. Just look at the ingredients list. There's onions, garlic, mustard, vinegar, white wine, ginger, paprika, turmeric and rosemary, just to name a few of the represented flavors. The taste was every bit as complex and bold as you might expect from those elements. It's a uniquely Indian flavor in the familiar format of a burrito. Would buy again.

$3.99 for the product. Four stars a piece from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Plantain Croutons

As a young kid if I were to be at a restaurant with a salad bar, here's precisely what my plate would look like if given the chance: piles of shredded cheese. A couple cucumber slices. Maybe some sliced bell peppers. Handfuls of bacon bits, even more so if those little generic red tinged Bacos or even worse, generic Bacos. A couple of those mini cookies or muffins that are always there. And a tiny piece of lettuce to let my mom know that I, indeed, had made a grown up salad. 

And croutons. Hills and mountain ranges of croutons. 

I mean, what kid doesn't like croutons? My kids love them and call them "crunchers" or "crunchies" or "munchies" or whatever else pops in their head. They eat them by the handful, happily. generally speaking, croutons are classic, and it's really hard to mess with classics. You gotta be fearless. 

Fearlessly indeed, here's Trader Joe's Plantain Croutons. 

What the what? Imagine the classic basic garlic crouton, and instead of the crunchy, bready bite, it's the starchy banana/potato crossover that's been popping up more and more at TJ's. Plantains are the next mango or cookie butter (and they pair well with both!). 

The croutons themselves are far tinier than most of their carby counterparts, and it's for good reason. Whereas regular croutons are still quite crunchy, there's still the softer toasty touch that make them manageably munchable for most. They can afford to be the size they are. It's not quite the case here. These plantain nibs are denser, cruncher, much harder to chew through. Use caution with small kids (between size and density, they're potential choking hazards) or expensive dental work. It's not enough to be offputting to me, but it's absolutely noticeable if you're craving the reliable comfort vibe of a regular ol' crouton. 

Aside from that, it's straight up crouton. There's plenty of garlic - more than expected, my grandma (rest her soul) would appreciate them - and perhaps they're a little heavy on the salt too. I'm not sure if that's just more noticeable since it's a plantain or if it's deliberate on behalf of the manufacturers because it's a plantain and so you have to counterbalance the natural sweetness and starches of a plantain. But it works. 

Gluten free and vegan. Always a plus. They're acceptable crouton-like crunchy cubes for the masses! YAYYYY! *Kermit arms*

I actually haven't had them on a salad, though they'd work well. Instead, I've had them more as a quick afternoon snack here and there. Salad, soups, etc for use, and just now typing this up I wonder if they'd work in something like a homemade Chex Mix. Gonna have to find out. Not quite double fours from my lovely bride and me. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Plantain Croutons: 7.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

 

Trader Joe's Heart Shaped Macarons

Each February, I'm hard-pressed to fulfill my husbandly duties of surprising Sonia with goodies on back-to-back special occasions. Today is her birthday, and less than a week from today is, of course, Valentine's Day. Fortunately, neither she nor I tend to put a lot of emphasis on V.D. so a casual edible novelty or two and a cozy movie night generally fits the bill.

Since today is Monday, any birthday festivities for the wifey took place over the weekend. She opened some gifts—most of which she ordered herself online and then I wrapped—and we had some Shari's Berries instead of a traditional cake, a few special appetizers and beverages during the Superbowl, and finally, we decided to break out these strawberry and raspberry flavored macarons.

I've ranted about silly heart-shaped things before on this blog, so I'll spare you my diatribe a second time. Seasonally appropriate? Check. There's the obligatory white, pink, and red colors that scream "Valentine's" all over the packaging. Easy enough for me to prepare? Check. All that's required is thawing in the fridge overnight or at room temperature for an hour.

Flavor-wise, they're pretty decent. They've got an almond meal base, with egg whites as the secondary ingredient, followed by white chocolate. They didn't overdo the sweetness at all. In fact, I almost want them to be a bit sweeter. The "vanilla creme with strawberry center" ones—the white ones—are slightly better than their pink counterparts in my opinion, although there's very little strawberry filling at all. They're mostly just vanilla.

Sonia likes the other flavor better—the pink ones. The outer shell of the raspberry flavor tastes almost freezer-burnt to me. Our box has a best buy date in January 2022, so freshness shouldn't be an issue. Maybe I'm just not used to the ingredients used here...? I must admit, however, the raspberry creme filling is pleasantly sweet and tart, and there's more than enough of it in each little heart-shaped bite.

These are a suitable alternative to the common V.D. box of chocolates. For $4.99, you're paying as much for presentation and pretty packaging as you are for the actual food. Product of Belgium. Again, why does Trader Joe's need to import them from another continent?

Three stars from me. Three and a half from the missus.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Magnifisauce

In addition to chatter about GME, NOK, and AMC "stonks," the death of Dustin Diamond (RIP Screech) and Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow, the interwebs are ablaze with news and opinions about this ostentatiously-packaged new condiment from Trader Joe's. Some are saying it's just Thousand Island dressing. Some are saying it's the next big thing. Some are angry that "canola oil" is the number one ingredient. Some are saying they'd drink it straight from the bottle. Inquiring minds want to know: is it worth the hype?

Ever since 1980's McDonald's commercials sang about "special sauce" in their Big Mac burgers, Americans have had an obsession with special or "secret" sauces. Oooh. Everybody loves a secret, right? Soon places like Burger King would follow suit with the Big King, and although I wasn't exposed to them until many years later, In-N-Out on the west coast would slather their burgers and animal style fries with a mysterious pinkish dressing that astounded and allured the masses.

I'm not sure why, but myself, my family, and my circle of friends didn't figure out that these clandestine condiments were simply a mixture of other more common toppings like relish, ketchup, and mayonnaise, with a few spices thrown into the mix, until many years after we'd first partook of the secretive salsa in our fast food burgers. Are we a bit slow? Perhaps. But at least now the cat's out of the bag. All special sauces are basically conglomerations of other less exotic constituent parts. So is the $2.99 squeeze bottle of Magnifisauce really that magnificent?

Yes and no. The convenience factor is high. I don't think I've ever seen special sauce sold as special sauce before, and certainly not in such a handy package. It's shelf stable until it's opened, and it's best if used within 90 days. 

Sonia and I don't eat hamburgers all that often, but we'll be able to finish this sauce as a dip for appetizers like French fries and onion rings. Make no mistake, it's pretty tasty when eaten as the main condiment on a traditional burger. We got a couple of patty melts from the bar and grill restaurant down the street yesterday, took them home, broke out this sauce, and were pleasantly surprised with its taste. Flavor-wise, it really is basically just Thousand Island dressing with a good bit of pickle relish and some faint garlic and onion in the background. We both think it's a little thinner than mainstream fast food secret sauce, and by my estimation maybe just a tad sweeter.

I'm no food scientist, so you can tell me in the comments below why canola oil is good or bad. It's the base of this sauce. Most Trader Joe's products at least have the veneer of being healthy-esque. I'm not convinced either way, but even if canola oil is detrimental to my health, I won't be eating enough of this stuff for it to kill me. Like I said, we'll finish this bottle over the next few months. After that, not sure if I'd re-purchase except perhaps to take to a big party or neighborhood barbecue type gathering where lots of burgers will be eaten all at once. I wish I could join the ranks of either the Magnifisauce zealots or even the haters, but alas, I'm a moderate and a centrist at heart, even when it comes to condiments. Call me a milquetoast fencesitter if you must. You wouldn't be wrong. Three stars from me.

The wifey will be slightly more pro-Magnifisauce and throw out four stars.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Almond Butter Almonds

There's so many phrases and words out there that, for whatever reason, really grind my gears. The following isn't a complete list of such phrases I've heard used so often and thrown around carelessly I think I'd rather be smacked by .a two by four than hear them again

"Now more than ever..."

"New normal."

"Social distancing."

Generally calling someone a Karen. Called for sometimes? Sure. All the time....nah. Does that make me a Terry or Kevin or whatever the male name equivalent is?

And most pertinently to this review of Trader Joe's Almond Butter Almonds..."double down/ed/ing."

Ugh to all of them. 

Except the Almond Butter Almonds! They're delicious!!!!1!

You see, I could say TJ's DOUBLED DOWNED on all things almondy and tasty here to make a rather tasty, somewhat redundantly flavored snack. I could...but no. Doesn't sound right.

There's a fairly straightforward concept here. Get an almond butter-flavored candy-esque coating and slather on some salted roasted almonds, and that's about it. And fabulous, because almonds by themselves are pretty mundane. But here, add that nut butter shell and they became magical. Think of something akin to a yogurt covered almond, except maybe a tad softer and mealier (it is almond butter, after all) and that's about what thee nuts crunch and munch like. The little bit of salt and toasted crunch of the almond core really help to hold up and support the outer layers, which remained remarkably intact all the way from factory to distributor to store to home to belly. The result is undeniably snacky, and something that feels like a little guilty pleasure. We love 'em. 

Good nuts, good stuff. And a good price too - I think these were maybe $4 for the bag? Wasn't anything major, Just a small handful or two was more than enough to put a major dent in any hangry tummy rumbles. Because of that, earlier today we finally finished off our one bag I bought...I guess maybe next time in the store, I'll have to say to myself "Self, now more than ever, we need to make it the new normal to double down on our purchases here, lest you lovely bride decides to become a Karen and socially distance you for your transgression." Or something to that general effect. Nothing down from the Mrs or I, the almond butter almonds are a double win in our books with double fours. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Almond Butter Almonds: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons 

 

Trader Joe's Sparkling Honeycrisp Apple Juice Beverage

When I lived in Hollyweird, California, I worked right next door to the historic Egyptian Theatre. A couple friends I knew from back east were headed there to watch a screening of a film called The Apple, so I decided to check it out with them. At the time, I'd never heard of it. Apparently, it's a cult classic, a la Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's at least as weird as Rocky Horror and maybe half as watchable. The theater was filled with costumed fanatics of the 1980 production, along with the already colorful denizens of Hollywood Boulevard. It would be a night to remember.

You have to really be in the mood to watch something laughably awful if you want to try to sit through The Apple. It takes place in the super futuristic year of 1994 and involves outlandish outfits and absurd musical sing-alongs. The interactive freak show at The Egyptian helped me stay awake through the entire 92 minutes of the film, and fortunately, I managed to leave the theater with only moderately damp clothes and most of my dignity still intact.

At the time, we were able to bring our own refreshments into the venue. I don't remember what I brought, but if I'd have had any of these little cans of pure delight on hand, I'd have definitely put a couple in my cargo pockets and sipped on them throughout the movie—both because they would have fit with the whole "apple" theme...and because they're scrumptious.

Although we've seen some outstanding honeycrisp cider from Trader Joe's in the past, these little beauties are honeycrisp juice mixed with carbonated water. Although "carbon dioxide" and "water" are separated in the ingredients list for some reason, there are essentially only two ingredients to this beverage. And that's all it needs.

The sweetness level is tempered by the water, which you might expect, but the beverage is still satisfyingly sweet. It's light and refreshing as can be. This product is reminiscent of Martinelli's Sparkling Apple Juice, but it comes in single serving cans rather than bottles. We didn't apply our mixological inclinations to this beverage on this go around, but I'm guessing it would make a killer appletini with some apple bourbon and vodka.

At $3.99, it's just about exactly a dollar per can, with exactly 100 calories per can. We highly recommend picking up a box when it returns in the fall. Four and a half stars from Sonia. Four from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Multigrain Crackers

Well, here's yet another installment in our somewhat occasional series which I casually call "Oh-Crud-It's-Late-and-I-Need-To-Write-Something-But-We've-Had-Nothing-New-or-Exciting-Recently-That-Hasn't-Been-Reviewed-And-I'm-Too-Tired-And/or-Full-To-Go-to-TJ's-And-I-Could-Do-That-Hot-Truffle-Sauce-Except-I-Never-Want-To-Touch-It-Again-Except-To-Pitch-It-and-That's-Not-It's-Fault-It-Makes-Me-Ill-I'm-Sure-It's-Actually-Quite-Good-But-Not-For-Me-Thanks-Body-What-Else-Do-I-Have-OOOOOOO-Pantry-Staples-FTW."

Clearly it's still a work in progress. 

I'm not particularly amped to write up a review of Trader Joe's Multigrain Crackers. I mean...multigrain crackers. Appreciably, they're without hyphen between multi and grain, unlike my intro there. But what is there to really say?

Well, here goes. With a bunch of young kids cramped up in the house, gotta feed them, continually, except not after midnight, like gremlins. They all love what we call "snacky lunch" which is basically deli meat, sliced cheese, crackers, milk, and fruit/veggies. They DEVOUR that. And sometimes that's just our dinner option too for low effort/everyone happy nights. And of course, snacks all day long. Our youngest one munches her way from alarm clock turning green to night night tuck in. So...in other words, we eat a lot of crackers around here, and always need a box on call. 

Is it always TJ"s multigrain crackers? Likely nah, but to be honest I couldn't tell you for sure. I feel like we always have them around, though, ready to go. So maybe? 

And if not maybe we should. I just had a few, actually trying to taste them and not just take them for granted. And (un)surprisingly, they're actually pretty good! There's a lot of earthy grainy goodness, with a touch of onion and salt, sweetened a smidge with added sugar (could do without that), all wrapped up in a light, crispy, crunchy, perfectly snacky cracker. I can see why my kids like them by the handful, and why we're always pairing with some cheddar or dip or even some peanut butter. It's a pretty delicious, vaguely healthyish little disc that serves enough purpose on its own but will happy be a vehicle for whatever else you want to cram on in. 

Couldn't tell you the precise price but I doubt it's more than $3. Inexpensive, high quality, healthyish and tasty - yeah there's no little "Trader Joe's-y" twist to them, but those mentioned values are always at the top of TJ's priorities, and my family's as well when it comes to noshing. So, good work once again, TJ's. The crackers aren't world changing, but keep a box around as we do. You should never take a classic for granted. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Multigrain Crackers: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons