Trader Joe's Almond, Cashew & Macadamia Nut Beverage

If you're looking for a delicious drinkable dessert, look elsewhere. If you're looking for a nut-tastic vegan alternative to animal milk, this might just be the product for you.

On the plus side, the beverage is surprisingly NOT chalky. It's smooth—and it's about as nutty as I ever imagined a beverage could be. Both Sonia and I wanted to call it "creamy" at first, but after thinking about it, we realized it's a much thinner liquid than anything we'd call "creamy." Not a bad thing. Just not as thick as other types of "milk." Maybe that's why it's a "beverage" and not a "milk." Color-wise, it's...well, milky—but perhaps a bit grayer than other milks and nut beverages.

Taste-wise? It's not sweet at all—like regular cow's milk with its lactose milk sugar is significantly sweeter to my tongue than this stuff. No sweeteners in that ingredients list at all. At only 30 calories per cup, I don't exactly think Trader Joe's is targeting the cookie butter crowd with this one. 

I will say that it works well on cereal, especially if the cereal is a sweet one, or one that's already got a nutty flavor to it. It'll tone down the sweetness of a super-sweet cereal, and in the process, the nut beverage will get a little tastier with that cereal sugar on it, making it even better when you slurp the excess from the bowl. Nut-based cereals with this beverage on them shall be elevated to über-nutty status.

I was surprised to see there's very little protein in the beverage, since nuts tend to have a good bit of it. I guess all the protein gets squeezed out in the liquefying process..? 

Soy milk seems to be on the decline as far as alternative milks go. And filling the void are cashew and almond beverages. Combine those two and add macadamias? Brilliant. It's a little difficult to detect all three nut flavors individually. Sonia seems to think she detected macadamia the most. I felt like they all just blended together. At $2.29 for a quart, it's priced comparably to other alternative milk products. I probably wouldn't reach for this after a day out in the 100 degree summer heat, but I'd be perfectly happy pouring it on my corn flakes or in my coffee. Four stars from Sonia. Three from me.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Blueberry Lavender Flavored Almond Beverage

Our house is over 100 years old.

On the exterior, it's all brick, and on the inside it's all drywall or plaster. For years and years, nearly a century, that's all there was, until Sandy and I moved in. Our first winter was frigid cold with arctic wind blowing right thru the walls. I'm not joking.

So we got an insulation job done, whole house, spray in type stuff. Our heating bill has been cut by two-thirds. It's awesome...but there's a flipside.

It's summer, or at least getting there. We have no AC, and with our Therm/os-fied house, once heat gets in, it stays in. It's not uncommon for it to be cooler outside the house than inside, and even with open windows and fans, only so much can be done. Next few months are gonna be extra sticky.

So, naturally, let's get a nice refreshing glass of milk. Ron Burgundy cringes.

But in the case of Trader Joe's Blueberry Lavender Flavored Almond Beverage, it kinda works.

Sandy and I are not big milk drinkers, dairy or nut alternative. We're just not. Our kids are another story. But there's just something tasty and appealing about this kinda almond milk. Just sounds good, doesn't it?

Blueberry is definitely the predominant flavor. It's fairly natutral-ish, though. There's no excessive sickeningly sweet added sugar that artifically ramps up the flavor in this TJ's blueberry almond milk...nah, just a small touch of blueberry that plays well off the natural nuttiness of the milk. I don't taste much lavender, though. There really tastes to be not much more than a small, small touch, if even that. Maybe my tastebuds aren't quite senstive enough, or perhaps I'm a bit clueless, but there doesn't seem to be much there, which is my only real knock.

The consistency of the berry almond milk is much like any other almond beverage - thre word "chalky" comes to mind. "Smooth" and "creamy" are definite overstatements in my opinion...I mean, it's not gritty by any means but there's a certain slight chunkiness to it that takes getting used to if not accustomed to it, as with any other nut beverage.

Blending some up with ice and yogurt for a smoothie sounds fantastic. Adding much else, even a banana, would probably overpower a lot of the subtle berry flavor.

We let our kids have some straight up. M, our almost six year old, immediately exclaimed "Oooo this is yummy!" and prompty gave it 10 Golden Spoons. She's well trained. B, our three year old, smiled happily and made her own big "mmmm" before saying it was good for "5 Golden Spoons, then a lot." That sounds pretty postive. Sandy also exclaimed it was a hit, making it very popular in our hot, hot house. I'll defer mostly to the ladies here, while adding I'm glad it's only $2 for the quart as I'm sure it'll be a repeat buy.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Blueberry Lavender Flavored Almond Beverage: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons 

Trader Joe's Mint Watermelon Flavored Black Tea

Nothing says middle aged suburban peer pressure in the spring and summer than the distant drone of a lawnmower. If the neighbor's yard is mowed, yours has gotta be too. Once you hear one, you'll hear at least three more, guaranteed, in the next hour.

I literally have not had a chance to mow mine all spring long - too cold, too wet, too busy, too something - until this past Wednesday night. Yeah, it was so bad I had to attack it midweek, after work, before dinner. Kept losing the dog in the thicket. And of course, all my neighbors had already, so mine I was busting it out as quick as I could, pushing thru kneehigh grass, raking, sweating, feeling gross, had to get done before it got too late, with storms threatening to roll in so extra humid...ugh.

Fortunately, Sandy made a fresh batch of iced Trader Joe's Mint Watermelon Flavored Black Tea earlier that afternoon. Doesn't that sound like summer in a glass? And my longstanding "refreshment benchmark" is how cooling and pleasant a beverage is once I'm done mowing the lawn, so here was a perfect chance.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

"Mint" and "watermelon" do not sound like natural flavor bedfellows to me. I hold both flavors in close to equal regard...but together? Potential chocolate gum theory application here. But nah, it works. Seems to me it's because both flavors are a very light, natural kinda of flavor, at least when unsweetened. The mint could have been bubblegummy, the watermelon could have been Kool Aid-y, but nope. Just light and crisp, with both flavors about equally present and wellbalanced, while backed by the usual steeped tinge of black tea.

This tea is some pretty good stuff. There's no sticky-sweet aftertaste, no artifical sugar crud, nothing along those lines at all. And yet I feel no need to guzzle it either. A good glassful is about all that's really needed.

Sandy and I didn't try it hot. We probably won't until temps are on the way down, not the way up. My instinct is that it wouldn't be as good as a steamy mug, but I've been wrong. You tell me if I'm wrong.

Count us as fans. Here's one tea worthy of a neighborhood-wide buzz.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Mint Watermelon Flavored Black Tea: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons 

Infuse Spirits Broken Barrel Bourbon

"Are you having fun?"

"I'm having bourbon," replied Jessica Jones.

Ah, the power of suggestion. I'm not sure if everyone's like this, but Sonia and I have noticed that any time we see someone eating or drinking a particular type of food or beverage on TV or in a movie, we instantly get cravings for said food or beverage. We see Seinfeld at the Chinese restaurant, we want Chinese. We see Kevin order pizza while he's home alone, we want pizza. We see hobbits with pint glasses at the Prancing Pony, we want ale. 

Case in point: Jessica Jones Season Two on Netflix. She drinks bourbon/whiskey like it's water. Neither of us could ever chug 95 proof the way JJ does, but the ubiquitous presence of the spirit on the show finally got to us. The combination of us binge-watching this latest addition to the Marvel Cinematic Universe and the advent of St. Patrick's Day led us to crave some good, old-fashioned barrel-aged bourbon. 

As fate should have it, just in the nick of time, we discovered this: the smoothest whiskey we've ever had—not that either of us is a connoisseur exactly. Just like any other product we find at TJ's, we're not subjecting the product to 50 points of intangible criteria or reading about what some whiskey snob says about it. We're simply listening to our taste buds and perhaps measuring the product against other comparable offerings we've tried from other brands. 

And virtually every other American whiskey I've ever had went down kinda funky. And when I say "funky," I mean there was almost a chemical kind of flavor either in the body or the aftertaste, along with an unpleasant burning sensation in my sinuses. Those other brands were fine when mixed with a cup of egg nog or coffee or...basically anything else, but when served neat or on the rocks, they were pert near unpalatable to me. Not this.

This is the first time I've truly enjoyed a whiskey as a stand-alone beverage, and I've tried a number of major brands of bourbon and other American whiskeys. Now don't get me wrong, this beverage has a kick to it—but it goes down super easily. There are hints of sherry and a distinct and pleasant woody, oaky flavor here, no doubt from the French and American "broken oak staves" mentioned on the bottle. The color is a nice caramel brown, and I'd swear I taste something caramel-esque in there as well.

$29.99 for 750ml. We should also mention that as of now, this Infuse Spirits brand product is apparently only available at select Trader Joe's in California, although you might be able to track it down in other wine and spirits stores throughout the country. Sonia was recently back in her native SoCal for family reasons and well...she's a sucker for nice packaging. She raved about the presentation of the bottle as she proudly exhibited it to me. I must admit, it's impressive—stately, even...much like the taste of the bourbon.

Four and a half stars a piece.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chocolate Whole Milk

We're beginning to approach the end of my oldest daughter's first formal year of schooling, and I'm continually amazed by how much she's learning. I'm sure every parent feels this way, to some degree, but man - my kid is smart. Just this past weekend, as I drove around town with her buckled up in the back of the minivan, I listened as she read off words she recognized on road signs and could read. "Car wash." "Burger." "Ice cream." And so on. And it was without any hesitation whatsoever - she read them as easily and breezily as any of us would. She's gonna be like Sandy, I think - a really good reader, her nose always stuck in a book somewhere. We already pack our bags full at the library on a regular basis, and most nights she'll beg for the light to left on as long as possible so she can keep on reading as late as she wants....

Which reminds me. I should probably move Trader Joe's Chocolate Whole Milk to a higher shelf in the fridge, out of the sightline of a five and a half year old. If she knows this is in our house, it's game over, and I want it all for myself. FOR ME!!!

It's been years since I've drank milk on any sort of regular basis. It's just not my thing any more. And whole milk? That's not what I grew up on. We were 1%, occasionally 2% family growing up. Certainly never skim - that always seemed a little pointless - but whole milk? Nah. That seemed a bit much.

But this milk? Holy cow. Almost literally. Maybe I'm still in sugar shock and a little buzzed, but I almost cannot believe how utterly delicious it is. Words kinda fail. It's just...try it. If you haven't already. Apparently this version of TJ's chocolate milk was available years ago, then discontinued and just brought back. Big Joe, whoever made that decision, give them a bonus!

It's thick and creamy and undeniably smooth, almost like drinking chocolate pudding or ice cream. Except even better! The chocolate flavor is rich and decadent, but is decidedly more towards cocoa than chocolate if that makes sense. It's a very pure kind of flavor, without being overly sugary tasting or too cloy or sickeningly sweet. Yes, I'm aware of all the added sugar. No, I do not care. It's called "treat yo' self." It's the kind of flavor that only a rich creamy base like whole milk would work with - anything else would be too thin to really flesh out the depth of flavor here abounding from each sip.

Even better, from personal expereince, it mixes well with a little Kahlua and vodka for a...well, I'm not sure what that'd be called. A mocha Russian? I'm sure there's many other alcoholic possibilities here - creme de menthe, anyone? If you got any other ideas, share away.

Anyways I have no doubt that my kiddo could at least read the words "chocolate" and "milk" and she's got just enough juvenile mischeviousness to try and guzzle away at some when ol' Mama and Dad are strugglin' out of bed in the morning. She's self sufficent enough to make her own breakfast half the time, which explains why she and her sister each ate three freezer waffles the other morning. She could figure out how to pour herself a cup, or beg us relentlessly...and sometimes Dada just wants to be greedy. Fortunately at $3.99 for the half gallon carton it's not exactly a costly fridge filler. Both Sandy and I cannot think of even the slightest of complaints or suggestions or anything - it's just some pretty darn good chocolate milk. Better than that, even.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Whole Chocolate Milk: 10 out of 10 Golden Spoons  

Trader Joe's Coconut Water with Pineapple Juice

It seemed to me I'd heard once that, in a pinch, one could use coconut water as IV fluid. I opened up Google and started typing "use coconut water" and sure enough, an auto-fill option popped up that read: "can you use coconut water as IV fluid". Apparently, the answer to that unpunctuated question is... "kinda."

There are actually multiple anecdotal reports of doctors successfully administering coconut water intravenously in cases of extreme dehydration when traditional IV fluids were absent. For some reason, I'm thinking these were cases of final desperation, rather than calculated medical maneuvers, but hey, I'm no doctor. I guess the bottom line here is that coconut water is just really darn good at providing hydration to the human body.

Now I'm guessing the addition of pineapple juice is a big "no-no" when attempting to inject the liquid directly into a vein, but when ingested orally, it makes coconut water a moderately enjoyable beverage, as is the case here. And when I say "moderately enjoyable," I mean that as a relative term. I mean that people who just barely tolerate the taste of coconut water (like me) will tolerate it with significantly less of a grimace on their face now that it's available with pineapple juice mixed in—unless, of course, said person is also not a fan of pineapple juice.

Sonia generally enjoys regular coconut water and thinks this mix is even better. "It's like a really watered down pina colada," she says. I won't argue with that, though I'd emphasize the "really watered down" part. It's about $4 for four small cans, which isn't cheap. Sonia would like to point out, though, that while sick with the flu, she used this beverage to stay well-hydrated. Not only that, but there's a good bit of vitamin C in there, too. So if you think of it as medicine, the price point seems more reasonable.

Sonia gives this coconut water 4.5 stars. I give it 3.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Lemon Elderflower Soda and Rhubarb & Strawberry Soda

Rhubarb. 

I know you can make a pie from it, though I don't think I've ever had one. I know it's celery-esque and looks like a vegetable. 

And that's about it. That's a comprehensive summary of my personal knowledge of rhubarb up to this point. Sure, I Googled it and informed myself a bit more just now, but I never had any idea what it tasted like until I tried this soda.

Elderflower is a similar mystery to me. I assumed it was a type of flower that perhaps grows on the same plant as elderberries..? I'm apparently correct on both of those assumptions, although I'm guessing a good percentage of our readers could elaborate on the elder bush a great deal more than I am able to—and if you care to flaunt your botanical expertise in the comments section, I invite you to do so to your heart's content.

But evaluating something brand new with few preconceived notions can be a good thing.

First thoughts on the rhubarb strawberry soda: VERY unique. Like strawberry, but significantly more tart. Perfect amount of sweetness and carbonation. Just different enough from a run-of-the-mill sweet soda that it's worth a try simply for the novelty of the experience.

And the lemon elderflower offering? Similarly unique, but not to the same degree. Like a Wink, Fresca, or Squirt type soda, but with more true lemon flavor and an unexpected flowery essence. I'd generally prefer the classic citrus sodas over this Trader Joe's beverage. Sonia thinks there's something guava-esque going on here. I don't know if I'd put it like that, but I do agree that there's an odd aftertaste vaguely similar to that of guava. It doesn't taste like guava per se, but it confuses the tongue in a similar manner, if that makes sense.

We both like the rhubarb & strawberry soda slightly more than the lemon elderflower one. I wasn't expecting that going into it, since I tend to enjoy any and all citrus sodas, and products like Strawberry Fanta are palatable, but certainly not the first drink I'd reach for on a regular basis.

Considering the diminutive size of these cans, I think $3.49 is a bit steep. Each 8.4 oz can is just barely enough to quench my thirst at any given moment. I could easily go through all four in a single day. The quality here is very high. Good ingredients. Interesting flavors. Sonia and I would both consider buying the rhubarb & strawberry again for a special occasion. Sonia will go with four and a half stars on the strawberry and an even four for the lemon. I'll go a full star less than that on both.

Trader Joe's Rhubarb & Strawberry Soda: Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Lemon Elderflower Soda: Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Cocoa Almond Cashew Beverage

Here it is, just about 2018, and we still haven't solved one of mankind's most benign yet vexing issues...

No, it isn't parallel parking or the fact that the letter o and number 0 are practically right on top of each other on a keyboard. I cannot tell you how many times per review I still have to fix that while writing...and I' used a keyboard all my life. The guy who invented the QWERTY display didn't entirely think that one through.

Nope, talking about reheating properly in a microwave, namely so the vessel containing its edible treasure doesn't become so hot that it can barely be touched, without the contents still remaining cool or lukewarm at best. I've never got it licked.

Still haven't with Trader Joe's Cocoa Almond Cashew Beverage. It can served either warm or chilled, and seeing as though it was at its normative shelf-stable temp when I cracked it open, and it's now in the single digits here, you best believe I was going to try my bestest to warm it up.

Mug got as hot as a dancing bobcat with its butt on fire. TJ's cocoa-nut drink shrugged and went up maybe a few ticks. Gosh darn it.

Once I could lift my mug without fear of losing my fingerprints, I'll admit my first impression was that I was going to be underwhlemed. Sure, the cocoa smelled good...but something seeemed somewhat amiss. Couldn't put my finger on it. But the taste seemed to follw suite, naturally. Upfront, the drink is fairly cocoa-y, with a little earthiness from the almonds and cashews. And it's creamy, too, not gritty or chalky or anything like other nut milks I've had. But on the back end is its shortcoming, I think. Whereas most other chocolate drinks would perhaps go for one last sugary push to notch another level of decadence, or would at leastr attmept to hold the cocoa-line, this one just kinda quits.

As in, still vaguely like chocolate, but not as much as from the outset. And certainly not as much as it could go for. In a way, it kinda tastes like somewhat disappointing cereal milk - just enough of a tease to give ya hope, just to let ya down.

I don't mean this as a total knock. Certainly, for $2.29, it's worth a shot, especially if you have dairy issues, or for whatever reason like my wife try to avoid cow milk. But to me at least, there's a richness being sacrificed that's not worth it unless you have a compelling reason to. Make sense? I sure hope so...because my microwave sure doesn't to me, and unlike my nuker, I don't want to burn ya or leave ya out in the cold.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Cocoa Almond Cashew Beverage: 6 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Apple Cranberry Herbal Tea Blend

Ahhh, there's nothing like a warm beverage on a cold day. Blizzards, polar vortices, and Arctic blasts are the perfect kinds of weather for herbal tea. You can always put on more layers of clothing, but I can't think of a better way to put something nice and warm inside you.

This tea has a delicate flavor, with a soothing herbal essence, and both subtle apple and cranberry flavors coming through—although it smells like apple much more than it tastes like apple. There's a slight tang to the flavor, no doubt thanks to the cranberry.

Both Sonia and I wanted to put sweetener of some kind in it. That's not been the case with every Trader Joe's tea—in particular, the Harvest Blend comes to mind as a tea with a very similar fruity flavor, but one that didn't beg for added sugar or honey for some reason. I could drink that one plain. This one's not terrible by itself, but I think the overall flavor is a little more pleasant with something added.

Sonia made another video to explain her feelings in a little more depth, and to show off the beautiful December snow we recently had in our area.

Three and a half stars from Sonia. Three stars from me.



Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chocolate Peppermint Almond Beverage

Holiday shopping season. Hurrah.

If it's not Black Friday then it's Small Business Saturday or Cyber Monday or Giving Tuesday or it's any of those extended for one whole week or more. And of course it's complete with the TV ads and jingles and must-buy lists and all that. Apparently this year I am supposed to find a good deal on something called "Fingerlings" for my kids. No, not play potatoes....something like some sort of animal toy that hangs on to your finger. Flamingos and sloths or something like that. It's another must buy item at a must buy time of year...because someone is telling us so.

Well, I can't be too opposed to the whole notion behind all this holiday buying nonsense....because you must go buy Trader Joe's Chocolate Peppermint Almond Beverage! Right now! While supplies last! Your holidays will be incomplete without it! Go! Go! Gooooooooooooooo!!!!

Alright, alright, let's catch our breath a little bit. I mean, this seasonally festive TJ's drink is a pretty decent beverage after all. There's a little extra creaminess that most almond-based milk-type substances seem to lack that's a real nice touch. It's smooth and very non-chalky, with a small hint of almond taste to give away that it's not the usual cow juice type deal for its base. That nuttiness certainly isn't too heavy handed. The chocolate part is fairly rich and somewhat decadent - it'll hit your sweet tooth for sure.

It's the peppermint part that could be construed as problematic. If consumed cold, the mint is bit much, like these matching Christmas pajamas. There's nothing too wrong with it, and it's kinda cute, but it's just a bit much. Yet when heated to hot cocoa-type temperatures (i.e., it's prime consumption mode) a lot of the mintiness just disappears. It's still there, but the chocolate really kinda takes over, with only a hint o' peppermint. I wish it'd be more minty then.

Regardless, for a dairy-free holiday option, the chocolate peppermint almond beverage is a pretty good and reasonable buy. It's only $1.79 for the quart carton, so it's a good product at a reasonable price...and since it's shelf stable at room temperature, hey, stock up if that's your thing. Just no trying to charge five times MSRP on eBay for it. I'm thinking of you, you Fingerling hucksters, you...grumble. Both the wife and I are gonna hit it with a fourspot.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Chocolate Peppermint Almond Beverage: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Almond Nog

Sonia's first words after taking a sip of this beverage: "WOW! I definitely like this better than regular egg nog."

If it's not obvious already, I'll go ahead and tell you she's not a true lover of traditional egg nog, while I most definitely am.

My first words after trying this drink: "Hmm. Yeah. I definitely don't like this as much as normal egg nog."

They should have called this Trader Joe's *Almost* Nog. Only two letters' difference. 

Surprisingly though, I didn't hate it—but it's absolutely within the realm of possibility that other egg nog connoisseurs won't even tolerate this almond-based nogoff.

Now I'm fine with almond milk in place of dairy. Flavored almond milk? Sometimes it works in my opinion, and sometimes it doesn't. Sonia and I were similarly divided when it came to last year's pumpkin spice almond beverage, with the wife giving it a solid thumbs up, and me, not so much.

I'm not nearly as enthused about egg nog-flavored things as I am about egg nog itself. Even egg nog ice cream pales in comparison to the real deal in my book.

Here, we have not a true alternative to egg nog, but a beverage that is merely egg nog-flavored. I mean, for vegans, the lactose-intolerant, and people with egg allergies, this must be a dream come true. For the rest of us...meh.

The texture is far too thin to compare with traditional nog. If you look at the picture, you'll see the myriad tiny bubbles that result when you "shake well" as per the instructions on the carton. It's just a tad thicker than water. Flavor-wise, it's distinctly egg noggish, but with a greater level of nuttiness, and less of...pretty much everything else. I think they could have stepped up the spice game a notch here, which would have not only offered a bolder flavor, but perhaps masked what I perceive to be other slight weaknesses in the taste department. Of course, if one were so inclined, he could add his own spices...not to mention other additives of the "spirited" variety that might help cover up said shortcomings of this seasonal potation.

And to those of you who think we're jumping the Christmas season gun by reviewing this overtly Yuletidey product before Thanksgiving, I'll just say this: I associate egg nog not only with Christmas, but also with Thanksgiving. Sure, the whole Christmas thing encroaches on earlier months more and more each year it seems. I mean, we did a bit of Black Friday shopping this year a full two weeks before Black Friday, because now there are "pre-Black Friday sales," which promise great deals with only a fraction of the physical confrontations and full-contact shopping experience. But I digress. What I'm trying to say is that we're trying to give you our opinions now so that you'll be informed before you make those holiday TJ's runs.

Just for kicks and giggles, I compared the nutrition info of this product to a carton of actual egg nog. Yeah. Ordinary nog has nearly four times the calories and six times the fat. So...there's that to consider.

Sonia gives this almond nog four stars. I'm torn between two and a half and three—but I'll go with three for the benefit of those who cannot or will not enjoy actual egg nog this holiday season. It's absolutely worth a try if you're not into milk, eggs, the thick texture of traditional nog, excessive fat and calories, or the joys of seasonal obesity.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Bourbon Barrel Aged Coffee

Come on now, sing it with me!

"Roll out the barrels, we'll have a barrel of fun...."

Wait, you're not singing. What's the matter? Not awake enough and need more coffee? Or not "loose" enough and need a stiff drink?

Well, why not have both? Here's a fresh mug of Trader Joe's Bourbon Barrel Aged Coffee.

Of course, this new TJ's boozy barrel inspired brew is non-alcoholic...but man, is that tough to tell from all appearances. Most bourbonic products are plagued by a decided subtlety that leaves hardly a trace of Kentucky's finest contribution to man this side of George Clooney and Louisville sluggers.

But, not here. No, not at all. The beans themselves weren't overly aromatic in a boozy way, but once Sandy and I had our steaming cups...whoa. I'd be scared to make this at work for fear of being called down to HR. One wrong waft sent awry and someone would report it, it's that strong.

Tastes that strong too. I'd say brewing the coffee at suggested strength tasted like a whole shot was poured into each mug. The outcome leaves something to be desired. The coffee itself is mellow and smooth, a little on the sweet side without offering too much if any bitterness that either coffee or bourbon can have. But it's absolutely heavy on the bourbon notes, really heavy, which brings me to my next point...

This coffee's discombobulating. I swear, it plays mind tricks with me. I taste booze, my mind senses it and tells my body I must be drinking booze, even though I'm not...thereby helping negate any positive lift I may get from drinking my coffee. I need my coffee for caffeine, dang it.

At least there's not a decaf version as of yet. That'd be really pointless. Bourbon inspired coffee without either alcohol or caffeine? Pass!

There's a whole write up on the side about how it's a two-year aging process with careful bean rotation to ensure each bean comes in contact with the bourbon barrels...sounds a bit OCD and overboard, but hey, the process worked. I cannot imagine a coffee tasting any more like bourbon, or bourbon tasting any more like coffee. It's a weird, imperfect marriage.

Sandy and I had high hopes, and while not completely crashed, we're both down on the bourbon coffee at this time. There's some potential if we mix some regular coffee beans in, we'll have a more pleasant experience. Also, instead of a morning cup, this has more of an afternoon/after dinner kinda feel to it. More mellow. Made poor Sandy feel a little ill afterwards, though she did say she'd be willing to try again.

Anyways, not an awful speculative buy at $10 for the canister, which is mid-range for TJ's prices. If you don't like it, you can always return, no problem. We are considering it but want to experiment first. Any suggestions, please share. Until then, we're going with some low marks here.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Bourbon Barrel Aged Coffee: 4 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Organic Hot Cocoa Mix

Aside from a few 70 degree days here and there, it's finally starting to feel like fall and cooling down here in the northeast. When it first happened a week or two ago, it was such a shock to our systems after so many weeks and months of heat, that we kind of forgot what wearing long pants and long sleeves was like...

So I'm doing an experiment: I'm going to see how late into the fall/winter I can go while only wearing shorts and t-shirts, while still only turning the heat on sporadically. I'm thinking hot beverages are going to play heavily into my strategy of staying warm without extra layers.

Also hats. It's amazing how much difference a good hat can make—especially for follicly-challenged folks like me.

Ahem, but, back to the hot beverages... This stuff's nice and sweet, and it tastes quite a bit like other leading brands of hot chocolate mix, although I'd swear it tastes better when made with nothing but water—and it flaunts USDA certified organic ingredients. We like it. Sonia will elaborate a bit more in this short video review:



Four stars a piece.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Ecuador Vilcabamba Estate Small Lot Coffee

Wanna live forever?

Drink more coffee.

Nah, seriously.

Okay, probably not....but if you're anything like most of the rest of us, coffee is essential to morning survival. I need at least one cup, usually two, and little top-me-off most afternoons in that 2:30 kinda range, too. That's when the p.m. sleepies hit, which aren't that great when sitting at the ol' cubicle with a few hours yet to go before heading home to the real job.

So coffee might not make you immortal...but why take chances?

And why not increase your chances with Trader Joe's Ecuador Vilcabamba Estate Small Lot Coffee?

After all, the village of Vilcabamba is known for the longevity of their residents, although somewhat dubiously. Might it be their coffee?

Maybe...because this coffee is particularly drinkable. Smooth, even. It's a really nice balance with the medium roast hitting some earthy notes without too much acid or bite. Not bittersweet, but not entirely dull either - there's a little depth to the flavor. Must be from the Ecuadoran climate - grown in the shade up in the mountains, subtropical climate, and so on. You can tell the beans had a good life before being harvested. Makes a good cup if taken black as I prefer.

Still, perhaps I'm a bit spoiled. I mean, this Ecuadoran joe isn't bad, but it doesn't compare to the coffee beans my dad roasts. He gets them from pretty much every country that grows coffee and roasts the beans fresh a few times a week. After just being in town to visit last weekend and being reminded of how good that stuff is, and no matter where from, the depth and vibrancy of each variety, well, this just isn't as good.

But it'll do for an at-home cup in the morning fresh outta the bean grinder and French press. And at a pretty decent price tag too - $8.99 for the 12 ounce bag of whole beans. It'd be a stretch to say this would my every day choice for many years to come, however many I may have, but it wouldn't be the worst option in the world by far, either. If this coffee is somehow the fountain of youth, I'd drink to that.

Double fours from the wife and me.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Ecuador Vilcabamba Estate Small Lot Coffee: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Organic Purple Carrot Juice

I'm aware purple carrots are a thing. I've seen them, heard about them, and have even eaten them cooked on one occasion. But somehow, my fleeting experience with them didn't quite prepare me for the taste of this beverage.

If you're someone who's a huge health nut, eats organic, and is quite familiar with purple carrots and their flavor, I'm sure this juice will be far less disappointing for you than it was for me. For a foodie-hack reviewing his way through Trader Joe's offerings—everything from organic quinoa to cookie butter cheesecake, I must say, this product was on the more unpleasant end of the spectrum. If I'm going to pay four bucks for one liter of juice, it's nice to know that it's good for me, but I was also hoping I could stomach the taste a little better, too.

Both Sonia and I immediately noted the similarity to beet juice. No, not beetlejuice. Beet juice—which thanks (or maybe no thanks) to Trader Joe's, we're familiar with as well. Must be the purpleness that makes it taste like beets. Am I right?

It also does taste vaguely like traditional carrots, but not quite as much as I expected it to. The splash of lemon is barely detectable. A bit more of that tartness might have helped, but I doubt it would have done much to influence the overall essence of the drink.

The WG@TJ's team has encountered carrot juice in the past. Even purple carrot juice once before. But in each of those previous cases, the beverage was heavily sexed up with more palatable juices like grape, apple, and/or orange. I think that's what we need here. I'm happy this beverage is organic and healthy and all, but the drinkability factor needs a little help.

Sonia's been trying to do that thing where you drink like two teaspoons of apple cider vinegar a few times a day for weight loss and heath, and she thinks this product is barely more drinkable than raw vinegar. However, she wants to like it and assumes that the taste will grow on her. It won't. I know her. But she gives it a generous three stars anyway.

I kinda want to like it, too. But I don't. I'll give it two stars since it's organic and "good-for-me." 

Bottom line: 5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Organic Strawberry Lime Agua Fresca

Ah, with all this rain we've been getting here on the east coast, we haven't had quite as much need for refreshing beverages as of late, but here and there we still have hot days, and lawns still need mowed, and shrubbery that's been left to grow wild, untrimmed, and unchecked by unruly tenants still needs clipped, and houses with no air conditioning and cat urine-soaked carpets still need cleaning on the inside...so needless to say, we still work up significant cravings for liquid refreshment on those days.

Sonia's very happy we reached for this flavor of agua fresca to quench our thirsts. I'm still not blown away, but this is my personal favorite flavor so far.

In case you missed either of them, our crack team of Trader Joe's product-reviewing extraordinaires has already reviewed the Hibiscus variety as well as the Pineapple Mango Mint flavor. As for this Strawberry Lime edition, it seems to me one could just take a sweeter beverage—say, the now-defunct Trader Joe's Pomegranate Limeade or Trader Joe's Organic Strawberry Lemonade and simply dilute them with one part water for every one part juice and come up with a very similar effect...or maybe just leave a glass of one of those beverages out in the rain for an hour or two. 

You could come back, and be like, "Oh look! God has miraculously multiplied my delicious fruit juice and given me twice as much!" And then if a friend pointed out the obvious fact that it was the rain and not necessarily a miracle, you could act all injured that your friend was insulting your faith and then point to the additional miracle that not only did your beverage grow in quantity, but it changed from a sticky, sugary-sweet diabetes trap to...you guessed it: agua fresca!

Sonia likes the lightness of the flavor but does add: "It's not like Mexicans don't like sugar." That's her way of admitting that the flavor could be a little more intense and sweet. Nevertheless, she gives it four and a half stars, an impressive score indeed. In light of her very high score, I'll match this product with the last agua fresca we looked at and throw out three stars.

Finally, here's a short video "review" that plays more like a spec spot for Trader Joe's. Wanna hire us for some TV or internet ads, Big Joe?

 

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Coconut Cold Brew Coffee Concentrate

"This was obviously made by someone who hates coffee."

That's an actual recent quote from my mom, and in what actual context, I forget. Doesn't matter, I may be adopting it to describe any coffee that I don't like. I'm beginning to realize that I need to have my coffee just the way I like it, or I get cranky. This must be one of those signs that I'm getting older, I guess. File it alongside: Realizing I can play Pearl Jam too loud while in the car by myself. Recognizing the need for supportive walking shoes. Not recognizing anything on the radio except the classic rock station.

Anyways, here's yet another cold brew concoction from our main man here. This time, it's Trader Joe's Coconut Cold Brew Coffee Concentrate. Well, okay. Flavored coffees aren't really my deal, per se - coffee should taste like coffee, ya whippersnapper - but heck I'd give it a try.

I like the idea of cold brew concentrates, mostly because I don't like the idea of paying three or four bucks from a coffee shop every time I want one. But the trouble always seems to be getting the ratio of concentrate to diluent correct - too much of one or the other throws it way off. Seems to be the same case here. I measured, I tried, I recalled my seventh grade chemistry teacher saying to measure the meniscus...still couldn't get it quite right. So there's a part of the problem I'm willing to own.

But the other issue? It's just not very good coffee.

It's the coconut. In theory, it sounds good, but to me, it doesn't jive. The coconut just kinda clanks around, with almost a tinny or metallic taste to it. Ugh. No likey. It's obtrusive. And it's tough to tell for sure, but the coffee almost seems to rely heavily on coconut for flavor, instead of the natural earthy goodness that actual good coffee delivers. If you need to add flavors to make your coffee drinkable, to me, it's just not that good to begin with.

I realize I may be in the minority here. That's okay, fire at will. Sandy absolutely disagrees with me, noting that she liked making hers with sweetened almond milk and ice. I think I took a sip of one of those, and admittedly it was almost passable. A terrible idea, though, is mixing this with something like a  flavored LaCroix...we tried it, it's supposed to be trendy....it also tastes awful.  Sandy would buy again happily, while I'd just as happily mumble about it if it were to reappear. Maybe it's made not by someone who hates coffee, just by someone with a very different opinion than me. Bah. My blog, my score. Get off my lawn.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Coconut Cold Brew Coffee Concentrate: 5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Organic Cold Brew Mocha Nut Latte

July. Hot hot hot. Or, if in Pennsylvania like me, it's beginning to get humid too. Real humid. Granted, it's not the sweltering unrelenting steam of late July-to-mid-September that feels like a homicidal dishwasher going full tilt with the door cracked open quite yet, but it's coming. You desert people with your dry heat - you're lucky. I've been in 115 degree heat that's been dry and more comfortable than mid-80's and 10000% humidity.

Still need coffee. We've been over this. I don't need to sell you on the idea that cold brew coffee is a great idea for summer months.

So if TJ's comes out with one, I'm gonna try it. So here's Trader Joe's Organic Cold Brew Mocha Nut Latte. Seems to be a break from my normal black brew - not the worst thing in the world, can use some flavor every once in a while, so here's a swig....

....uhhh, what the H-E-double bendi straw is THAT? This isn't coffee. it's not even close. "Brown chalky liquid somewhat resembling coffee" may be a more apt description.

First of all, I didn't see this before sipping, there's liquefied dates in here. As a predominant ingredient, as in, like, right after water. Ugh. Don't get me wrong, I like dates. I've had coffee and dates for breakfast. I like dates with my coffee. I like coffee with my dates. I like going on dates to get coffee. I like drinking coffee to get along with my date, err, I mean, wife. All that being said, I do not need dates in my coffee, especially when it adds this weird chunky pulpy complexion....

...which is only added to by both almond and cashew milk. I have no problem with either individually or mixed together, and prefer over regular cow juice, to be honest, but by themselves they push beverage texture to about its max for me. Inclusion of said dates pushes it over.

There's so much earthy groundlike flavor going on that it's almost easy to overlook the actual coffee aspect. it's there, but not nearly strong enough for my liking. Disclaimer: Usually I drink unadulterated black, so take it for what its worth. There's some vanilla and cinnamon, I guess, and obviously a nutty flavor, but mocha? Not to me. Just weird nutty creamy datey coffeesque stew. Yum. Not.

Not a fan, as you've guessed by now. Sandy enjoys more than I do, but also notes that the chalkchunkpulp issue is a major putoff, enough that despite liking the flavor she stated she will not purchase again. Somehow this warrants a three in her book. Me? Nowhere close to that, and it's not the heat getting to me. It's just not that good, at all. Blah.



Bottom line: Trader Joe's Organic Cold Brew Mocha Nut Latte: 4 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Organic Lemon Ginger Herbal Flavored Water

Ah, tomorrow's the Fourth of July. And there's nothing quite as Murican as lemon-ginger-infused water to celebrate Independence Day. Let's take a look.

Imagine you just consumed a plate of lemon ginger chicken. Now imagine you rinsed off the plate and collected the water from it. Imagine further that you had a temporary lapse in judgement or some kind of heat stroke and decided it would be a good idea if you drank said rinse water. 

Ahh, refreshing right? Depending on the temperature of the water...perhaps. But still a pretty weird taste. Yeah. I'm not feeling it. And I like lemon and ginger just fine. And in case you're wondering, no, this product doesn't taste like chicken. I just couldn't think of any other legitimate reason you might have lemon and ginger on a plate.

The ghost of lemon and ginger present here is just potent enough to ruin the super-neutral taste of plain water, and yet it's not strong nor sweet enough to be any kind of delicious chuggable beverage.

And another thing: the write-up on the packaging claims this product is "Hydration with flare." "Hydration with flare"? Did I somehow miss that this water is flammable? Does the water have a high enough alcohol content to serve it flambé? Or did they mean "flair"? Or is this use of the word "flare" somehow acceptable here? Was the water flavored with road flares?

So if you ask me, just go ahead and skip this hippy dippy nonsense and go drink a tooth-rotting, high fructose corn syrup-laden Coca-Cola tomorrow while you watch those fireworks. One won't kill you. Coke is deliciously American, and this stuff just isn't. Fair comparison? No. Apples and oranges? Sure. I'm fresh out of more appropriate comparisons. This heat's getting to me.

Sonia thinks she'd just rather drink plain old water for refreshment—or maybe even sparkling mineral water. I agree. One star a piece.

Bottom line: 2 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Calamansi Cooler

If you were to juice an octopus or squid and turn it into a drinkable cocktail, it might be a faint clear-yellow-orange color, and you might call it Calamari Cooler.

Because of its unfamiliarity, the word "calamansi" didn't exactly roll off our tongues, so we opted to be silly and call this drink "Calamari Cooler." We'd pour a can into a glass and offer our guests some Calamari Cooler and were met universally with surprise and/or disgust.

Only then would we explain that we were just being weird because that's just kinda what we do and then we'd show them the can. Neither Sonia nor I nor a single one of our friends had heard of the calamansi fruit before encountering this beverage. We Americans are so sheltered when it comes to exotic fruits. Thank goodness for Trader Joe and his daring ventures into Southeast Asia.

It's a strange flavor, especially at first. But it certainly grew on me since my initial reaction. It really does fall very close to a lemon-lime sort of taste, but there's something else there that's very difficult to put my finger on—almost something tangerine-esque. Sonia thinks it might be more like grapefruit.

The flavor is light, refreshing, and not very intense at all except for some moderate tartness. Despite the fact that sugar is the second ingredient, it's not overly sweet.

It's a nice summer beverage for sure. We'll probably buy it again to beat the summer heat. $2.99 for four cans. Four stars from Sonia. Three and a half from me.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.