Trader Joe's Cold Brew Coffee & Cream Liqueur

I guess the whole upper and downer all in a single beverage isn't a new concept. I love Red Bull and I'm fine with vodka when coupled with appropriate mixers, but blending the two together? Stimulants and depressants both at the same time make me spazzy.

Some might say I'm spazzy to begin with. That's fine. I won't argue the point. 

Stuff like Kahlua, coffee liqueur, or this cold brew beverage? Same thing. There's real coffee with real caffeine as well as alcohol. But you know, it tastes so gosh dang good, I have some every chance I get, which realistically isn't all that often.

I guess the real question is: when is the appropriate time to enjoy such a beverage? I, personally, can't have it before bed as a nightcap, because it'll keep me up into the next morning. I suppose some could get away with the whole Irish coffee thing and have it in the morning, especially if you work from home and don't need to drive anywhere, but I know I don't function very efficiently that way, depending, of course, on what I'm working on and how into it I am.

I suppose the best time for me to consume such a beverage would be right after dinner, still hours before bed, but after the day's tasks are completed. It's a narrow window, indeed. And it still might keep me up a little later than usual. Even more likely: I'll be in a spazztastic mood that'll annoy Sonia and anyone else around, making all involved wish I'd simply stuck to an upper or a downer and not both simultaneously.

Of course, I exaggerate the effects of such beverages. I don't think there's enough caffeine or alcohol in this drink to really do any harm to me or anyone else. I just needed a lead-in for the review, and stream-of-consciousness seemed as good an angle as any.

The product? It's sure tasty enough. The coffee element isn't overdone. It doesn't taste like a pot of black java. It's more like a premixed frappuccino or what-have-you. I guess cold brew coffees tend to be a little smoother and less bitter than other selections. It's super creamy, slightly thick, and almost velvety, texture-wise. It's only moderately sweet, well-balanced flavor-wise. It's perfect in a cocktail glass with a few ice cubes to keep it cold and thin it out as they melt.

Sonia was quite smitten with this liqueur. She's generally way more into coffee products than I am. She almost always sips her drinks super slowly, while I'm more of a chugger—and that goes for everything from water to juice to fine cream liqueurs—although I must say she downed this selection uncharacteristically quickly. She liked it significantly more than Kahlua, stating that it's much less harsh and more palatable.

For less than $10, it's worth a try for coffee connoisseurs and boozehounds alike. The quality is on par with any other cream liqueur, a la Bailey's or RumChata, with a distinct cold brew coffee taste. The wifey and I will both give it a thumbs up.

Four stars from me. Perfect five from Sonia.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Calabrian Chili Tomato Dumpling Soup

Chances are, it's pretty cold where you are right now. It sure is here in the 'burgh. Cold enough that it killed our new battery in the family minivan out of nowhere, and naturally at a fairly inopportune time and place - as if there is such thing as a "good time" for that to happen. Cold enough to make being outside for more than two minutes worth questioning your sanity. And given the news stories and social media feeds we've seen from elsewhere, we're fairly lucky here in the 'burgh as other areas have been much more deeply impacted. 

Cold, cold, cold. Please, keep warm. If you can help others get warm too, please do. 

And maybe to help warm up yourself, get a big ol' jar of the new Trader Joe's Calabrian Chili Tomato Dumpling Soup. 

Listen: this ain't no ketchup water from a can. Warhol, when asked why he painted soup cans, said he wanted to paint nothing, and that soup cans were that - nothing. Given his choice of subject matter, in the famous red and white label, I can see why he said that. 

This ain't that. 

First: calabrian chili peppers. Even if you've only ever been to TJ's, you've seen them before, in probably my favorite product ever: the Italian bomba sauce. Mama mia! That's some hot stuff. The calabrese experience in the tomato soup isn't quite the same kick - it's not fermented or anything like the bomba, so a lot less kick - but still there's enough moderate spice and heat and warmth added. If you're staunchly spice adverse, it may be a bit much, but it's at a level that i think it'd be accessible to most folks. Then again I can eat an entire jar of the bomba with a spoon in minutes, so my scale may be off. 

And additionally: dumplings!

Man, who doesn't like dumplings? You can put some in my soup anytime! I love little bits of doughy dough floating around, in a form that's akin to but chewier and doughier than a noodle. Tasty. There's an extra heartiness imparted by the presence of the dumplings, that make the soup feel like less of a side and more of a meal. But there could definitely be more - I'm not asking for handful and handfuls, as the soup is actually pretty tasty and doesn't suffer without dumplings, but a few more would really fill it out more. 

All together, it's delicious, warm, hearty soup, with a little kick, with serious warm belly filling potential, in a convenient quick and easy glass jar, for like $3. Can't beat it. This might be my new favorite store brand soup. Gonna have to go get it a few more times, you know, if the car would start....

Wife and kids sat this out. My lovely bride doesn't like tomatoes, and my kids don't like spice. Oh shucks, more for me. Love it, with only the wish for more dumplings as a knock. So good, so warm on up with some yourself if I may suggest. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Calabrian Chili Tomato Dumpling Soup: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons

 

Trader Joe's Vegetable Samosa Burrito

I'm not into globalism as far as politics are concerned, but I must admit, when international cultures entwine, some pretty interesting and enticing culinary combinations result.

I'm thinking taco pizza, curried chicken salad, or Chicano hamburgers...or the fact that you can put sriracha on anything American and make it better. Fusion food. The only thing finer than one tasty tradition is two or more combined in the same dish. And now they're doing stuff like sushi corn dogs, kimchi quesadillas, and pierogi poutine...? What the what? I'll have to try those things some day...but until then, I'm glad there's Trader Joe's.

So it's a samosa...in the form of a burrito. Sounds good. If you use the microwave, this happy little lunch item goes from refrigerated to piping hot in just two minutes.

Despite being a little stuffy from the excessive cold we're feeling here in the upper midwest, that familiar curry-esque samosa smell cut through the kitchen and piqued my appetite immediately. Sonia and I cut our burrito in half and ate it with some other leftover Indian food and rice. By itself, it would have been the perfect size for a stand-alone lunch or even dinner for one person.

There were big chunks of potato, cauliflower, and carrots, plus plenty of large whole peas throughout the dish. The texture of the veggies was just about perfect. The tortilla would have been a bit more crispy had we used the oven, no doubt, but we were fine with it being soft and supple. It's definitely a secondary element after the veggie chunks.

To me, "tomato chutney" doesn't sound particularly appetizing or exciting. But it tasted great. Just look at the ingredients list. There's onions, garlic, mustard, vinegar, white wine, ginger, paprika, turmeric and rosemary, just to name a few of the represented flavors. The taste was every bit as complex and bold as you might expect from those elements. It's a uniquely Indian flavor in the familiar format of a burrito. Would buy again.

$3.99 for the product. Four stars a piece from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Plantain Croutons

As a young kid if I were to be at a restaurant with a salad bar, here's precisely what my plate would look like if given the chance: piles of shredded cheese. A couple cucumber slices. Maybe some sliced bell peppers. Handfuls of bacon bits, even more so if those little generic red tinged Bacos or even worse, generic Bacos. A couple of those mini cookies or muffins that are always there. And a tiny piece of lettuce to let my mom know that I, indeed, had made a grown up salad. 

And croutons. Hills and mountain ranges of croutons. 

I mean, what kid doesn't like croutons? My kids love them and call them "crunchers" or "crunchies" or "munchies" or whatever else pops in their head. They eat them by the handful, happily. generally speaking, croutons are classic, and it's really hard to mess with classics. You gotta be fearless. 

Fearlessly indeed, here's Trader Joe's Plantain Croutons. 

What the what? Imagine the classic basic garlic crouton, and instead of the crunchy, bready bite, it's the starchy banana/potato crossover that's been popping up more and more at TJ's. Plantains are the next mango or cookie butter (and they pair well with both!). 

The croutons themselves are far tinier than most of their carby counterparts, and it's for good reason. Whereas regular croutons are still quite crunchy, there's still the softer toasty touch that make them manageably munchable for most. They can afford to be the size they are. It's not quite the case here. These plantain nibs are denser, cruncher, much harder to chew through. Use caution with small kids (between size and density, they're potential choking hazards) or expensive dental work. It's not enough to be offputting to me, but it's absolutely noticeable if you're craving the reliable comfort vibe of a regular ol' crouton. 

Aside from that, it's straight up crouton. There's plenty of garlic - more than expected, my grandma (rest her soul) would appreciate them - and perhaps they're a little heavy on the salt too. I'm not sure if that's just more noticeable since it's a plantain or if it's deliberate on behalf of the manufacturers because it's a plantain and so you have to counterbalance the natural sweetness and starches of a plantain. But it works. 

Gluten free and vegan. Always a plus. They're acceptable crouton-like crunchy cubes for the masses! YAYYYY! *Kermit arms*

I actually haven't had them on a salad, though they'd work well. Instead, I've had them more as a quick afternoon snack here and there. Salad, soups, etc for use, and just now typing this up I wonder if they'd work in something like a homemade Chex Mix. Gonna have to find out. Not quite double fours from my lovely bride and me. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Plantain Croutons: 7.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

 

Trader Joe's Heart Shaped Macarons

Each February, I'm hard-pressed to fulfill my husbandly duties of surprising Sonia with goodies on back-to-back special occasions. Today is her birthday, and less than a week from today is, of course, Valentine's Day. Fortunately, neither she nor I tend to put a lot of emphasis on V.D. so a casual edible novelty or two and a cozy movie night generally fits the bill.

Since today is Monday, any birthday festivities for the wifey took place over the weekend. She opened some gifts—most of which she ordered herself online and then I wrapped—and we had some Shari's Berries instead of a traditional cake, a few special appetizers and beverages during the Superbowl, and finally, we decided to break out these strawberry and raspberry flavored macarons.

I've ranted about silly heart-shaped things before on this blog, so I'll spare you my diatribe a second time. Seasonally appropriate? Check. There's the obligatory white, pink, and red colors that scream "Valentine's" all over the packaging. Easy enough for me to prepare? Check. All that's required is thawing in the fridge overnight or at room temperature for an hour.

Flavor-wise, they're pretty decent. They've got an almond meal base, with egg whites as the secondary ingredient, followed by white chocolate. They didn't overdo the sweetness at all. In fact, I almost want them to be a bit sweeter. The "vanilla creme with strawberry center" ones—the white ones—are slightly better than their pink counterparts in my opinion, although there's very little strawberry filling at all. They're mostly just vanilla.

Sonia likes the other flavor better—the pink ones. The outer shell of the raspberry flavor tastes almost freezer-burnt to me. Our box has a best buy date in January 2022, so freshness shouldn't be an issue. Maybe I'm just not used to the ingredients used here...? I must admit, however, the raspberry creme filling is pleasantly sweet and tart, and there's more than enough of it in each little heart-shaped bite.

These are a suitable alternative to the common V.D. box of chocolates. For $4.99, you're paying as much for presentation and pretty packaging as you are for the actual food. Product of Belgium. Again, why does Trader Joe's need to import them from another continent?

Three stars from me. Three and a half from the missus.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Magnifisauce

In addition to chatter about GME, NOK, and AMC "stonks," the death of Dustin Diamond (RIP Screech) and Punxsutawney Phil seeing his shadow, the interwebs are ablaze with news and opinions about this ostentatiously-packaged new condiment from Trader Joe's. Some are saying it's just Thousand Island dressing. Some are saying it's the next big thing. Some are angry that "canola oil" is the number one ingredient. Some are saying they'd drink it straight from the bottle. Inquiring minds want to know: is it worth the hype?

Ever since 1980's McDonald's commercials sang about "special sauce" in their Big Mac burgers, Americans have had an obsession with special or "secret" sauces. Oooh. Everybody loves a secret, right? Soon places like Burger King would follow suit with the Big King, and although I wasn't exposed to them until many years later, In-N-Out on the west coast would slather their burgers and animal style fries with a mysterious pinkish dressing that astounded and allured the masses.

I'm not sure why, but myself, my family, and my circle of friends didn't figure out that these clandestine condiments were simply a mixture of other more common toppings like relish, ketchup, and mayonnaise, with a few spices thrown into the mix, until many years after we'd first partook of the secretive salsa in our fast food burgers. Are we a bit slow? Perhaps. But at least now the cat's out of the bag. All special sauces are basically conglomerations of other less exotic constituent parts. So is the $2.99 squeeze bottle of Magnifisauce really that magnificent?

Yes and no. The convenience factor is high. I don't think I've ever seen special sauce sold as special sauce before, and certainly not in such a handy package. It's shelf stable until it's opened, and it's best if used within 90 days. 

Sonia and I don't eat hamburgers all that often, but we'll be able to finish this sauce as a dip for appetizers like French fries and onion rings. Make no mistake, it's pretty tasty when eaten as the main condiment on a traditional burger. We got a couple of patty melts from the bar and grill restaurant down the street yesterday, took them home, broke out this sauce, and were pleasantly surprised with its taste. Flavor-wise, it really is basically just Thousand Island dressing with a good bit of pickle relish and some faint garlic and onion in the background. We both think it's a little thinner than mainstream fast food secret sauce, and by my estimation maybe just a tad sweeter.

I'm no food scientist, so you can tell me in the comments below why canola oil is good or bad. It's the base of this sauce. Most Trader Joe's products at least have the veneer of being healthy-esque. I'm not convinced either way, but even if canola oil is detrimental to my health, I won't be eating enough of this stuff for it to kill me. Like I said, we'll finish this bottle over the next few months. After that, not sure if I'd re-purchase except perhaps to take to a big party or neighborhood barbecue type gathering where lots of burgers will be eaten all at once. I wish I could join the ranks of either the Magnifisauce zealots or even the haters, but alas, I'm a moderate and a centrist at heart, even when it comes to condiments. Call me a milquetoast fencesitter if you must. You wouldn't be wrong. Three stars from me.

The wifey will be slightly more pro-Magnifisauce and throw out four stars.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Almond Butter Almonds

There's so many phrases and words out there that, for whatever reason, really grind my gears. The following isn't a complete list of such phrases I've heard used so often and thrown around carelessly I think I'd rather be smacked by .a two by four than hear them again

"Now more than ever..."

"New normal."

"Social distancing."

Generally calling someone a Karen. Called for sometimes? Sure. All the time....nah. Does that make me a Terry or Kevin or whatever the male name equivalent is?

And most pertinently to this review of Trader Joe's Almond Butter Almonds..."double down/ed/ing."

Ugh to all of them. 

Except the Almond Butter Almonds! They're delicious!!!!1!

You see, I could say TJ's DOUBLED DOWNED on all things almondy and tasty here to make a rather tasty, somewhat redundantly flavored snack. I could...but no. Doesn't sound right.

There's a fairly straightforward concept here. Get an almond butter-flavored candy-esque coating and slather on some salted roasted almonds, and that's about it. And fabulous, because almonds by themselves are pretty mundane. But here, add that nut butter shell and they became magical. Think of something akin to a yogurt covered almond, except maybe a tad softer and mealier (it is almond butter, after all) and that's about what thee nuts crunch and munch like. The little bit of salt and toasted crunch of the almond core really help to hold up and support the outer layers, which remained remarkably intact all the way from factory to distributor to store to home to belly. The result is undeniably snacky, and something that feels like a little guilty pleasure. We love 'em. 

Good nuts, good stuff. And a good price too - I think these were maybe $4 for the bag? Wasn't anything major, Just a small handful or two was more than enough to put a major dent in any hangry tummy rumbles. Because of that, earlier today we finally finished off our one bag I bought...I guess maybe next time in the store, I'll have to say to myself "Self, now more than ever, we need to make it the new normal to double down on our purchases here, lest you lovely bride decides to become a Karen and socially distance you for your transgression." Or something to that general effect. Nothing down from the Mrs or I, the almond butter almonds are a double win in our books with double fours. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Almond Butter Almonds: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons 

 

Trader Joe's Sparkling Honeycrisp Apple Juice Beverage

When I lived in Hollyweird, California, I worked right next door to the historic Egyptian Theatre. A couple friends I knew from back east were headed there to watch a screening of a film called The Apple, so I decided to check it out with them. At the time, I'd never heard of it. Apparently, it's a cult classic, a la Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's at least as weird as Rocky Horror and maybe half as watchable. The theater was filled with costumed fanatics of the 1980 production, along with the already colorful denizens of Hollywood Boulevard. It would be a night to remember.

You have to really be in the mood to watch something laughably awful if you want to try to sit through The Apple. It takes place in the super futuristic year of 1994 and involves outlandish outfits and absurd musical sing-alongs. The interactive freak show at The Egyptian helped me stay awake through the entire 92 minutes of the film, and fortunately, I managed to leave the theater with only moderately damp clothes and most of my dignity still intact.

At the time, we were able to bring our own refreshments into the venue. I don't remember what I brought, but if I'd have had any of these little cans of pure delight on hand, I'd have definitely put a couple in my cargo pockets and sipped on them throughout the movie—both because they would have fit with the whole "apple" theme...and because they're scrumptious.

Although we've seen some outstanding honeycrisp cider from Trader Joe's in the past, these little beauties are honeycrisp juice mixed with carbonated water. Although "carbon dioxide" and "water" are separated in the ingredients list for some reason, there are essentially only two ingredients to this beverage. And that's all it needs.

The sweetness level is tempered by the water, which you might expect, but the beverage is still satisfyingly sweet. It's light and refreshing as can be. This product is reminiscent of Martinelli's Sparkling Apple Juice, but it comes in single serving cans rather than bottles. We didn't apply our mixological inclinations to this beverage on this go around, but I'm guessing it would make a killer appletini with some apple bourbon and vodka.

At $3.99, it's just about exactly a dollar per can, with exactly 100 calories per can. We highly recommend picking up a box when it returns in the fall. Four and a half stars from Sonia. Four from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Multigrain Crackers

Well, here's yet another installment in our somewhat occasional series which I casually call "Oh-Crud-It's-Late-and-I-Need-To-Write-Something-But-We've-Had-Nothing-New-or-Exciting-Recently-That-Hasn't-Been-Reviewed-And-I'm-Too-Tired-And/or-Full-To-Go-to-TJ's-And-I-Could-Do-That-Hot-Truffle-Sauce-Except-I-Never-Want-To-Touch-It-Again-Except-To-Pitch-It-and-That's-Not-It's-Fault-It-Makes-Me-Ill-I'm-Sure-It's-Actually-Quite-Good-But-Not-For-Me-Thanks-Body-What-Else-Do-I-Have-OOOOOOO-Pantry-Staples-FTW."

Clearly it's still a work in progress. 

I'm not particularly amped to write up a review of Trader Joe's Multigrain Crackers. I mean...multigrain crackers. Appreciably, they're without hyphen between multi and grain, unlike my intro there. But what is there to really say?

Well, here goes. With a bunch of young kids cramped up in the house, gotta feed them, continually, except not after midnight, like gremlins. They all love what we call "snacky lunch" which is basically deli meat, sliced cheese, crackers, milk, and fruit/veggies. They DEVOUR that. And sometimes that's just our dinner option too for low effort/everyone happy nights. And of course, snacks all day long. Our youngest one munches her way from alarm clock turning green to night night tuck in. So...in other words, we eat a lot of crackers around here, and always need a box on call. 

Is it always TJ"s multigrain crackers? Likely nah, but to be honest I couldn't tell you for sure. I feel like we always have them around, though, ready to go. So maybe? 

And if not maybe we should. I just had a few, actually trying to taste them and not just take them for granted. And (un)surprisingly, they're actually pretty good! There's a lot of earthy grainy goodness, with a touch of onion and salt, sweetened a smidge with added sugar (could do without that), all wrapped up in a light, crispy, crunchy, perfectly snacky cracker. I can see why my kids like them by the handful, and why we're always pairing with some cheddar or dip or even some peanut butter. It's a pretty delicious, vaguely healthyish little disc that serves enough purpose on its own but will happy be a vehicle for whatever else you want to cram on in. 

Couldn't tell you the precise price but I doubt it's more than $3. Inexpensive, high quality, healthyish and tasty - yeah there's no little "Trader Joe's-y" twist to them, but those mentioned values are always at the top of TJ's priorities, and my family's as well when it comes to noshing. So, good work once again, TJ's. The crackers aren't world changing, but keep a box around as we do. You should never take a classic for granted. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Multigrain Crackers: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons