Trader Joe's Corn & Green Chile Pepper Quiche

I've been watching a bunch of 80's movies on Amazon Prime lately. What a weird decade. I mean, it was so carefree compared to today. Everything was loud and goofy, from music to clothing to hairstyles. It's such a stark contrast to 2020, which is why I've been finding it so refreshing to bask in all the gaudy glory of 1980's American cinema. Plus, there's not a lot I want to see in the way of new stuff right now, and it still costs $20 just to rent the third installment of Bill and Ted.

Also from the 80's: a book called Real Men Don't Eat Quiche. I mean, it's apparently satirizing the idea that certain things are more masculine to consume than others, but still...I must admit I don't know many dudes obsessed with quiche. In defense of my own masculinity: the three quiches I've reviewed on this blog represent more than half the quiche I've consumed in my entire lifetime. And so far, all of those specimens have fallen into a kind of "take it or leave it" status with me and the wifey.

As is standard for a quiche, this one's primarily made of eggs. I heated ours for 25 minutes in the oven rather than the microwave, and the insides came out surprisingly mushy, especially when one considers the outsides were extremely crispy. I know quiche should be soft, but I felt like the insides had an excess of moisture and the outsides were, if anything, a little too dry. 

Sonia pointed out that there was a decided lack of veggies, corn in particular, in the filling. We were expecting a whole bunch of corn kernels as well as more substantial chunks of chile, too. I guess we were pining for a sort of savory corn and veggie pie rather than a quiche.

Flavor-wise, it's eggy and quichey—not overly salty, sweet, or cheesy. It begs for a little help, honestly. Some salsa and/or hot sauce is definitely in order here. We had no trouble finishing it, but for two thirds of your daily saturated fat and 98% of your cholesterol, I was hoping for just a tad more piquancy. More green chile peppers would have unquestionably made it more memorable for Sonia and me.

$4.99 for the 9 oz quiche. Probably not a repeat purchase for us. Three stars a piece.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Salted Caramel Bar Thins

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Salted Caramel Bar Thins are a small, quick, easy, simple fun little treat. No rocket surgery here. So let's do this review in much the same manner.

Take the requsite high quality TJ's dark chocolate. If you've had anything with TJ's dark chocolate, you know what I'm talking about. They (or more accurately, their supplier) really got this stuff nailed. However one inserts a small reservoir of salted caramel goo into it and make a thin wafery bar, they do. That's it, that simple. And so good.

Pros: There's three such bars in the package. Each bar is segmented and snaps easily into three segments. It's a perfect format for a light bite or for sharing easily. No drama there.Each bite is well balanced between the chocolate and caramel to give a rich but no overwhelming flavor that's ideal for a quick sugar rush. Since it's Belgian, could we get a speculoos variety please?

Cons: Uh...not many? I didn't taste THAT much salt in the salted caramel, which isn't all that negative. Perhaps the thin set up makes it harder for the bite of salt to stand out.

Really good, and worth a quick pickup for the maybe $2 without overthinking it. Just like this review.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Salted Caramel Bar Thins: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Strawberry Oat Frozen Dessert

Sonia and I have lived in four different states since the inception of this blog. We traveled the country full-time with our two little doggies in an RV for 21 (non-consecutive) months. We've been to every region of the country in that time period.

During our travels, we've become hyper-aware of the plenitude of Trader Joe's locations in certain regions and the overwhelming dearth of them in others. Cities like New York and L.A. have dozens of Trader Joe's locations to choose from. Smaller cities like Omaha, Boise, and Spokane have exactly one TJ's store. Many big college towns have a single location, as well, such as State College, PA.

Then there are entire states that don't have a Trader Joe's yet. There are exactly six among the contiguous United States: West Virginia, Mississippi, Montana, Wyoming, North Dakota, and South Dakota. And many of the folks who live in those states are within a two hour drive or so to a Trader Joe's in an adjacent state.

I won't disclose exactly where we're stationed right now, but I will say that we live a little farther from a Trader Joe's than we ever have before, and that makes buying Trader Joe's frozen treats just a bit more complicated. In this case, Sonia in particular was tempted just to consume this pint of "oat cream" in the parking lot outside TJ's rather than risk it melting in the cooler on the ride home. We only consumed about half of it before packing it away, and it made the trip completely intact, despite the hot summer temps.

So yeah, Sonia's crazy about this stuff. I like it, too, but I don't think I'd put it on par with good old fashioned cow's milk ice cream. To me, most of the flavor of this frozen dessert comes from the bits of almond brittle and candied strawberry they've tossed into the mix. The taste of the oat milk cream itself seems a little on the bland side. It's not unpleasant at all, and it does have hints of that natural nuttiness you'll find in oat milk, which we both like.

The texture is near perfect to both of us, very closely approximating that of dairyful selections. It's super smooth except for the above-mentioned almonds and strawberry bits. It's pretty darn refreshing in this August heat, too.

Maybe I'm just used to the taste of cow's milk ice cream, but I probably wouldn't reach for this oat cream again. Nothing against it. I just think the taste of true strawberry ice cream is a bit more pungent and flavorsome. Sonia will probably grab a pint on her next TJ's run and finish it right after her shopping, and will eagerly await more flavors to be released.

$3.99 for the pint. Three stars from me. Four and a half from Sonia.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Jicama Wraps

Time in 2020 seems different than time in any other year I've been around for. Literally, it seems that this year has been going on for years. My lovely bride and i were reminiscing the other day about a trip she took back in February, so a little over six months ago...which seems more like six years ago at this point. We both couldn't believe it.

So, listen, I have no idea when Trader Joe's Jicama Wraps debuted in stores this year. None. Zip. Nada. All I know is I heard and saw the buzz all over the place for them...and when we went to our local TJ's here in good ol' Pittsburgh PA USA...they weren't ever there. It wasn't even a popularity deal, it was more they couldn't even be ordered for who knows what reason. We're always among the last to get anything here, so I've been waiting to try these for what it seems forever...or has it been maybe three weeks max? Two months? Since yesterday? Yanked from the future? I have no idea.

I also had no idea that jicama could be used in this way, as basically a tuber-tilla. Don't know what that is? I just made it up, so I didn't until 10 seconds ago either. It's a tortilla made from just a tuber (root plants like potatoes) and nothing else, and these TJ's jicama wraps may have invented the genre. Nothing added. Nothing obviously subtracted. All these wraps are is precisely as the package states: thinly, almost translucently, sliced jicama. The roughly four inch tubertacular discs are easily rollable and bendable, not so much foldable, sliceable, and are sturdy enough to hold a small taco together while not being quite big enough to hold a lot.

They're also pretty wet, which makes sense, but could be a turnoff for some. And other than that, it's just jicama. With a slight apple-like crispness and a mild sweetness, if you're tired of the same ol' tortillas or just want a low carb alternative that's not a lettuce wrap, go for it! I made a quick lunch yesterday with some leftover chicken, shredded cheese, and salsa, and it worked great. The jicama added a freshness without interfering with any other flavors.

I briefly considered making a quesadilla with them, to see how they'd cook up, but got scared off by the notion of potentially having to scrape burned up jicama off my decrepit frying pan. It's on its last legs as is, I don't need to speed it along. But the package says they're good for quesadillas...so did any of you try that? If so, how'd it go?

Pricepoint on these guys is about $4 for the dozen of them. Seems fair, maybe, I guess. Personally, I wouldn't drop any more than that on a regular basis for these guys, but maybe I'm just being cheap again. I like 'em, so does the fam who were brave enough to try them. There's a definite plus for the novelty, innovation and execution, but in the ned, it's still just thinly sliced jicama so I'm not sure how far we can really go here. Double fours? Sure.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Jicama Wraps: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Trader Joe's Crispy Banana Ribbons

This blog's been around for over a decade now. I'm not sure how many readers have been with us since the beginning, but I'm willing to bet virtually none of you would remember a random post from, say, 2013. In our review of Trader Joe's Banana Chips, there was a candid discussion between Sonia and me in regards to her experience—or lack thereof—with banana chips. I'm thinking I could just drop that little introductory passage into this review and pass it off as something new. Nobody would notice, right?

Ah, maybe I'll try something sneaky like that in the near future, but for now, I'll just leave you with a link to that old-school review. It's relevant because banana chips are the obvious comparison everyone's going to make with these new schnazzily-packaged "ribbons," right? Of course.

But before we get into the "chips vs ribbons" compare and contrast session that seems so unavoidable in this review, let's look at the fancy resealable bag we have here. It's a bright, eye-catching yellow, which is fun, if perhaps a bit obnoxious. The ribbons look more like frosted pieces of jagged glass on the artwork. They seem to be exploding, sending shards of sharp banana in all directions. It makes the snack seem far more frightening and dangerous than it is in real life.

The ribbons are moderately crispy, though softer overall than a banana chip, and much thinner. They're indeed ribbon-esque, as they appear to be lengthwise slices from down the side of the banana rather than circular cross-sections, as is the case with traditional banana chips. 

I want to say there's slightly less of that FrankenNana effect you get with banana chips. Some banana chips taste and feel like they've been encased in amber for a millennia or two, however, if you told me these ribbons were sliced and packaged last week, I'd believe you.

I think these are slightly sweeter than banana chips, too. The "hint of glaze" is apparently made of rice bran oil, sugar, and salt. It doesn't make the ribbons seem candy-coated, but subtly bumps them in the direction of "sweet treat" just a tad further than an actual banana.

I think we both enjoy these just a wee bit more than we enjoy banana chips, and like banana chips, Sonia seems just a little more enamored than I am. Not sure if they'll be a repeat purchase for us, but if you're into banana-based snacks, you'll probably appreciate them at least as much as we did.

$2.99 for the 3 oz package. Four stars from Sonia. Three and a half from me.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Bazaar Basket Snack Mix

At a certain point, there's not so much reinventing of the wheel that's the possible. Instead, it's all in how you spin it.

Take, for instance, Trader Joe's Bazaar Basket Snack Mix. Sounds kinda exotic, right? Let's take your tastebuds on a culinary tour of, say, maybe Turkey or somewhere else Middle Eastern, where you can taste the finest of ingredients mixed expertly and presented perfectly for your enjoyment. And it's for only $5.99! No airfares, no customs, no passports, no...anything, except your $5.99. Come, follow me.

As you can perhaps tell, I was not a marketing major.

Regardless, that's at least a little taste of the spin. But let's take a closer look at the ingredients and the packaging window, shall we? Upon further inspection, it looks...pretty basic.

Almonds. Apricots. Chickpeas. Sour cherries. Pistachios. And that's it.

Immediately, we can write off talking about 60% of the mix. That's not meant as a disparagement, but what can be said about them that already hasn't? If you like 'em, you like 'em. if you don't, you don't. I happen to, but you'll either agree with that assessment, or I'll be highly unlikely to sway you otherwise because there's nothing new that can be said here.

That leaves us discussing chickpeas and sour cherries. Alrighty. Roasted chickpeas might sound kinda exotic, but in actuality, they're not. My lovely bride has bought them before as a straight snack and I remember only vaguely liking them, but in a trail mix type setting they work well. Imagine a lighter, airier, crispier, peanut tasting-type thing and that's what they are. The novelty wears off somewhat quickly. It's not like they add any flavor explosions, unlike what you think what the sour cherries would do...except they don't do much either. By themselves, the cherries are a little tart and are not much unlike a decent raisin in texture, but when mixed in with everything else, their taste gets a little lost. Truly, not that exciting.

Which is basically how I feel about the snack mix altogether. While not bland per se, it's not exactly brimming with flavor either. There's no spices or seasonings or anything tying  the whole experience together. instead, it's just the natural somewhat neutral flavors of each respective component. That's not a bad thing, and something that can and should be appreciated, but it's not life-changing either. Eh well. It's a good enough mix but unlikely to be high on the repeat buy list, as I feel I could make something just as good if not better for less. Double threes.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Bazaar Basket Snack Mix: 6 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Cheese-Less Cheesecakes

For those of you unfamiliar with our background, Sonia and I aren't vegan. We probably eat less meat than the average American, but dairy is very much a part of our daily diets. Sonia gravitates toward alternative milks like almond and oat, particularly for her cereal, since she occasionally has lactose-intolerance issues, while I very much prefer cow's milk, despite being quite familiar with all its many alternatives since childhood. For something like cheesecake, we'd both reach for the traditional stuff—unless, of course, there's a vegan alternative that can somehow magically compete with "the real deal."

Approaching this cheese-less cheesecake, I am very skeptical. The product itself and packaging look pretty nice, and we all know Trader Joe's has offered impossibly delicious "alternative" foods in the past, but I've also tried a number of lactose-free/vegan offerings that were, in my opinion, less than edible.

Preparation is simple enough. Just plop the cheesecake out of its little cup onto a serving plate, let thaw in the fridge for 2 hours, and voila: ready to eat. I'm not the kind of person that knows what I'm going to be hungry for 5 minutes from now, let alone 2 hours. What am I, Nostradamus? But I went ahead and prepped the cheesecakes anyway, hoping I'd be more or less in the mood for cheesecake for my mid-morning snack, AKA brunch AKA second breakfast.

Well here we are. The moment of truth. First impressions? Really surprisingly, shockingly, good for a vegan product. Not exactly like real cheesecake, but still pretty darn tasty. Sonia's initial reaction: disappointment. We both agree we were expecting the opposite: that Sonia would like it and I would not. Not sure what we can attribute that turn of events to. Maybe my expectations were too low and hers were too high? 

The graham cracker base is pretty much what you'd expect. The "cheese" part is very creamy, although perhaps a tad thinner than regular cheesecake. It's nice and sweet. There's an interesting flavor that's hard to put our fingers on. I'd say it has a bright, almost citrusy element to it. There's definitely a tartness underneath the initial desserty sweetness, but it works quite well in my humble opinion.

Holy goodness! I'm so glad I didn't look at the ingredients before I tried this stuff. This "cheesecake" basically has a lima bean base. Lima beans! Oh gosh that's gross. I mean, lima beans are okay when buttered and salted and served as a side dish. But lima bean cheesecake?? Ugh. That's just weird. Maybe Sonia just subconsciously tasted lima beans and I didn't. Why not red beans like you'd find in all those Asian desserts? Or tapioca? Those would be less...unusual choices. 

Other ingredients are pretty normal. There are lots of different kinds of oils, agave syrup, oats. On down the list you'll see there is in fact lemon juice. I don't know if I'll ever get over that lima bean thing. It's like the yogurt I consumed and enjoyed for many years was ruined once I found out there were thousands of ground up little bugs used for coloring in them. You know, carmine?

Sometimes ignorance is bliss. I'll try not to punish this dessert for being made of lima beans, because it does taste oddly good to me. Strangely enough, Sonia's not grossed out by the lima bean thing. But she'll only throw out two and a half stars. She's not impressed. I might have gone with four and a half initially...so put me down for four, I guess.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Protein Muffins

Mornings can be tough, especially these past few months. Wake up after another hot summer night to a hot summer day, doing the same thing all over again because what else can you do? There's no end in sight to it either, like it's some sort of strange bizarro Groundhog Day realm we're stuck in.

It doesn't help that both Sandy and I are dabbling with intermittent fasting, as it seems the trendy thing to do these days, although with somewhat mixed results. And our kids have taken on the habit of not eating all that much dinner most nights, so needless to say, when it's time for my lovely bride and I to start eating for the day around 10:30am, we're hungry, and the kids are clamoring for an early elevensies after second breakfast wore off, and sometimes a little mix up is nice. You know, to keep it lively....or something.

I guess that's why we've been giving Trader Joe's Protein Muffins the ol' college try. As you can see, at present there are two varieties, Dark Chocolate and Maple. They're both similar in concept and ingredients - cassava and almond flour base, some coconut flour tossed in, milk protein isolate (as appetizing as that sounds), egg powder (very appetizing) and a few more things to round it all out. It's a powder in the cup, add a little water, stir like mad, nuke for a minute, and voila! It's a warm spongy muffinesque thing in a cup ! Now that sounds most appetizing of all!

Truth be told, I'm surprised by how decent both varieties are. There's nothing too "weird" about either one, and neither put off overwhelmingly healthy vibes. I can tell this is true by how my kids were fighting over the last couple teeny bites - if there was anything "off" about them in the slightest, they'd detect it.

The dark chocolate, also surprisingly, was the winner in our house, for kids and grownups. The chocolate isn't that  dark, but offers a respectable richness without being overly sweet. The real winning bit is there's a small handful of chocolate chips sprinkles in that got a little melty but still have some bite - you get one of those, you've won! It's really, and again pretty surprisingly, good. i'd eat 'em again for sure.

As for the maple, think of a pancake that absorbed a bunch of maple syrup. That's how this muffins feels and tastes. Good? Absolutely! But for a muffin, it's missing something, like it needs one more ingredient. Personally I'd love a few pecans in there, that'd make them killer. The chocolate version had the chips to bite into, the maple one has....nothing. Good maple, though, which is always a winner in my book so I judge not too harshly lest I be judged. Maybe I'll supply my own nuts next time.

Make out of the nutritionals what you will. As is par for the course, both have a lot of fat, a surprisingly high amount of sodium, a large chunk of your daily cholesterol. Gluten free, if that's a plus for you. Sandy said the protein muffins were better than giving our kids a straight up sugar bomb to eat...likely true, but yeah, there's a lot of that too. On the plus side they certainly quelled our hunger for a couple hours, and they go well with a cup of coffee. I'm hoping the muffins will stick around for a while into the fall and winter where they could be a good warm yo'self treat then too.

$1.99 each. Maybe that's a good price? Sorry, not in the microwavable single use cup protein muffin market much these days aside from TJ's. Will likely buy 'em again...and again...and again...just like everything else this summer. Again.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Protein Muffins: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Maple Protein Muffins: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons