Trader Joe's Sweet Picanté Peppers

If Peter Parker picked a pack of pickled picanté peppers, then where's the pantry where the people put the package of pretty pepper pieces? Or something like that...

So here we have pickled peppers submerged in oil and vacuum-sealed in a jar, along with plenty of salt. Not surprisingly, the product is shelf stable for quite some time—about two years—but the package label says "once opened, keep refrigerated and consume within 5 days." Five days?? We don't even get a week to eat these? You'd think they'd keep almost indefinitely if they're refrigerated and still submerged in oil, salt, and acidifiers. I have a feeling we won't finish the whole jar in such a short span of time, but this review will be posted well before we know for sure.

First thoughts: just like the sweet peppers you get from sandwich joints. I know they exist outside of Subway and Jersey Mike's, but that's where I know this flavor from. They're usually sliced into little strips there, but here we have the whole pepper.

The cheese? It doesn't really specify what type of cheese it is, but it strikes me as just your typical cream cheese or what have you. It's good and it pairs pretty well with the pepper flavor.

As far as the "picanté" aspect is concerned, yes there is a hint of peppery spice, but it's quite mild by our standards. Sweet? Yes. Quite sweet. Cheesy? Yes. Quite cheesy. But not very hot.

These went crazy well with water crackers and beef summer sausage. I don't really like them on their own, but they do very well with other charcuterie style foods. They need something bready to soak up all that oil. They're absolutely dripping with sunflower and canola oils and it's very difficult to get them completely dry.

$4.99 for the 5 serving jar. Not a bad thing to stash away in the back of the pantry for a rainy day. Four stars from me. Three and a half stars from the beautiful wifey for Trader Joe's Sweet Picanté Peppers with Creamy Cheese Filling.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Tiniest Chocolate Chip Cookies

 

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Howling Gourds Pumpkin Ale

Are pumpkin products still legit after Thanksgiving? I mean, pumpkin pie sure is, at least until Christmas, right? So pumpkin season rolls on in my humble opinion. Mid-September through Christmas seems appropriate.

On one hand we have hoppy IPA beer and on the other hand we have sweeter stuff like pumpkin cider. I'll do either/or depending on my mood, but something like pumpkin ale often falls between the cracks and fails to meet the needs of either my arrogant hipster wannabe persona or that of my inner giggly college girl. I mean, who actually craves a pumpkin ale?

I just grabbed one off the mix-a-six shelf at Trader Joe's some weeks ago and haven't had the opportunity or desire to drink it yet, so what better time than now while I'm stuffed to the gills with heavy Thanksgiving fare and the first of the Christmas season's fattening goodies? Here are my thoughts...

It pours an amber-ish color with an off-white head. It's sweeter than I thought it would be. Pumpkin spices are evident, though not overwhelming. It's almost more of a cider than an ale, but it's not as appley as drinks like The Gourd Tree Pumpkin Cider.

Despite the sweetness and pumpkin spice aura, the beer finishes surprisingly clean. Alcohol-wise, it doesn't taste as strong as most 7% ABV beers, but it'd be a rare occasion I'd go out of my way to find and procure an ale this "girly."

The price is nice at $1.34 for the individual can. Brewed by Josephsbrau. I guess I might throw another one in my mix-a-six next year if it's around again. Sonia sat this one out. I'm torn between 3 and 3.5 stars, so I'll do one of each.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Cheddar Cheese Sticks

"Cheese sticks." Hope nobody got a pay raise or promotion for coming up with that creative product title. Why not cheese swords or cheesy rods or cheese branches or cheesy trees? Oh wait. They already did that one. The packaging is lackluster at best, and these crispy little do-dads don't even have a listing on traderjoes.com as far as I could tell. Oh well.

Thanksgiving week tends to be the slowest time of year in terms of blog traffic, so I often throw out kind of oddball generic reviews of boring-ish products during that time because, hey, what have I got to lose?

What's working here: the texture is nice and crispy, crunchy, but not overly hard. The sticks are brittle but even my sensitive teeth and gums aren't irritated even after gnawing on a few of these sourdough sticks. They pair great with almost any kind of soup, especially tomato-based ones, and who needs croutons for a salad when you have these? The sourdough flavor is pleasant, as well, but not overpowering. 

What's not working here: there's definitely some cheese flavor, but I think they could have packed them with a bit more. I guess too much cheese would reduce the shelf life of the product and make it more prone to spoilage, but doesn't all that salt help with preservation?

$2.99 for approximately a dozen cheese sticks. I guess we'd buy this item again just to have it in the back of the pantry to serve with tomato soup in lieu of grilled cheese or something more elaborate. Three and a half stars a piece from Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Cheddar Cheese Sticks.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chicken, Cheese & Green Chile Pupusas

In my experience, pupusas were always the staple food for folks from El Salvador. Those Salvadoreños would seize any opportunity to introduce us gringos to their favorite pupusa joint, often just a hole in the wall or some unsuspecting apartment in a random neighborhood. They'd come out with lots of little clear plastic bags tied at the top with rubber bands. It might have looked like a shady narcotics deal if not for the fact the bags were obviously filled with veggies, sauces, and shredded cheese.

The base element for those pupusas was always a puffy pancake-esque cake similar to the one we have here, although those were generally much lighter. Some weren't filled at all, and all the flavor came from whatever you put on top—usually some pickled cabbage, a thin salsa, and jack cheese—possibly shredded chicken or other meat. Others had a thin layer of beans or maybe cheese baked into the middle of the disc.

Lacking the cabbage topping and unique salsa, I was skeptical of this offering from Trader Joe's. Honestly, there's nothing wrong with them, and their filling is quite a bit more interesting than the street style pupusas I've had in the past. There's no detectable chicken pieces. It's just a whirled mush of chicken and cheese with a few flecks of green chiles scattered throughout.

Using the air fryer method, the breading part of the cake gets slightly crispy. It's a good quality corn masa—authentic enough for me. The overall flavor is salty and savory and there's enough chicken and cheese flavor to be satisfying. The chile pieces add a bit of a kick, but salsa of any kind is in order if you're craving something truly picante.

We added onions to ours in lieu of Salvadoran slaw and experimented with a few different types of hot sauces and salsas. Nothing quite replicated what we'd had from restaurants but we were happy enough to finish the meal, one pupusa each, and contemplated heating the third one immediately and splitting it between the two of us, although in the end, we opted to save it for later.

I think the moral of the story here is to buy or make some Salvadoran cabbage relish, or "curtido," and have it on standby when you eat these. While any tomato-based salsa will do in a pinch, looking up an authentic recipe online might be worth it in this instance, too. Either way, it's not a bad product and it's a simple way to introduce yourself to the world of pupusas.

$4.79 for three servings. Three and a half stars a piece from Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Chicken, Cheese & Green Chile Pupusas.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chunky Garlic & Jalapeño Hot Sauce

First thoughts: looks like one of those Cholula or Tapatio or Texas Pete hot sauce bottles with a teensy little hole where you have to shake the bottle fairly vigorously to get the sauce to come out, so how could it possibly be "chunky"? There might be some pureed peppers in there or something like that, but this sauce being truly chunky seems unlikely.

Oh well, if it tastes like garlic and jalapeño I don't even care if it's chunky or not.

The verdict? Okay...it's...sorta chunky. The entire circumference of the mouth of the bottle is open. It's not like that super tiny narrow hole on other hot sauce bottles, which allows bits of jalapeño to flow from the container onto your food.

The taste? Briny! The jalapeño peppers are brined and they make the whole thing taste super salty. It's like garlic-flavored sea water with a little heat to it. Not my favorite hot sauce for sure. Not even close. This definitely won't replace Tapatio or Cholula in our household, and it definitely won't take the place of good tomato-based actually-chunky salsa for chip dipping or topping Mexican dishes.

I make this meal I call "tuna surprise" because the ingredients change every time we have it based on what condiments are available in our fridge at the time of creation... 

I have a feeling it will do pretty well as an element in tuna surprise. A little saltiness and heat never hurts that dish.

Maybe I just have to get used to it. It's not at all like what I was expecting. Supposedly this type of salsa is quite popular all throughout California's Central Coast. I only made it up that way once or twice during my Cali days.

$3.99 for the 10 oz. bottle. Sonia is similarly unimpressed. Three stars from her. Two and a half from me for Trader Joe's Chunky Garlic & Jalapeño Hot Sauce.

Bottom line: 5.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Brigadeiros

A Brazilian girl I once knew told me that they often eat dessert first in Brazil because it makes them feel fuller sooner, so they wind up eating less of the main course—one of the many reasons, she explained, that Brazilians tend to be more fit than Americans. She also told me that Brazilian culture is all about having fun, more so than American culture, which focuses on career and work too much, and that Brazilians go out every day to clubs or parties, dance, and walk a lot, while Americans stay home and watch TV.

But nobody ever told me about brigadeiros. Maybe my Brazilian friend knew I'd just sit on the couch catching up with my Star Wars shows on Disney Plus shoveling them into my mouth box by box like a typical obese American. I bet that was it. She was looking out for me.

But Trader Joe has no scruples about selling me Brazilian bonbons and watching me grow fatter and fatter, do you Joe? Something something something about self-control and all that. Sure. Whatever. Actually, the box says they're Portuguese. But Google says they're Brazilian. I guess they're both..? I'm all over the place today.

Well, at any rate, these brigadeiros are delicious. They're uber-chocolatey. Fudgy, like it says on the box. They're dense, creamy, thick, and they deliver a massive blast of sweet milk chocolate.

Texture-wise, they're soft and they do indeed melt in your mouth. They're not chewy or crunchy or crispy at all. They're slightly squishy but solid when you remove them from the little tray, but as soon as they hit your tongue, it almost feels and tastes like you just tilted your head back and squirted a bunch of chocolate syrup into your mouth.

$3.79 for nine little chocolate bonbon things. Not available at TJ's anymore. I think they came out right when that first round of fall goodies got released this year. Not sure if we'll ever see them again, but my vote is: bring them back, please. Very tasty. Double fours from Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Brigadeiros.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Spiced Cider

It's very rare I'm in the mood for a hot beverage. Even in the midst of a frigid midwestern winter, I'll generally reach for an ice cold energy drink over traditional coffee and I'll do refrigerated cider over the heated kind. I might have a mug of hot chocolate after shoveling snow or a walk in sub-freezing temperatures, but that's unusual for me.

 
At the same time, I think I'd be remiss in my duties as an unofficial Trader Joe's brand product blogger if I didn't at least try this beverage both hot and cold. We'll get to the results in a minute...

For review, TJ's once produced what was maybe my favorite cider drink of all time, now long since forgotten and discontinued. Why do you hate me, Trader Joe? And they offered what I consider one of the worst cider products of all time, too. Also discontinued. Hey, at least they're consistent. This particular iteration of cider has been around for at least the past few years, somehow eluding a post on this blog up until now.

So where does it land on the spectrum of fine festive fall beverages? For me personally, it's somewhere in the middle, probably closer to the top than to the bottom. It's aromatic from the moment you twist off the cap. There's a good bit of sediment in the depths of the bottle, so a fair amount of agitation is required before pouring.

Served cold, it's light and sweet enough to be refreshing, and the spices are quite noticeable but not overpowering. It's a bit tart, maybe even more than I was expecting. It's chuggable and/or sippable, and there's not too much aftertaste like some ciders we've seen in the past.

When heated, the spicy aromas only increase. The lemon juice seems to wake up, too, and add a bit more tang. There's an almost caramel-esque quality to the smell. It's fine by itself, but it begs for a dusting of cinnamon, cloves, and/or nutmeg to further enhance the experience. Even as a lover of cold drinks, I think this particular cider might shine a bit more brightly when served piping hot, with each flavor opening up just a tad more than in the iced version. Oddly, Sonia thinks the opposite, and she's way more into warm drinks than I am.

Sonia loves it. Four and a half stars from her. $3.99 for the bottle, found with the unrefrigerated juices. Three and a half stars from me for Trader Joe's Spiced Cider.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Italian Tomato & Burrata Ravioloni

Apparently "ravioloni" is just a larger version of ravioli. They just made the word longer so you'd know the pasta is bigger. Although, "ravioletti" is the smallest version of all, so...never mind. At first glance inside the packaging, they don't appear to be any larger than normal ravioli, but I must admit they about doubled in size while boiling in water.

These reminded me quite a bit of the recently-reviewed Vegan Italian Bolognese Ravioli, and they were similarly, you know, not bad-ish. I think the flavor of these square pasta pieces was a tad tastier than their round vegan counterparts, thanks to the presence of real burrata cheese.

There were sort of off-yellow colored pieces and orange colored pieces, representing the limoncello and mango flavors, respectively. Just kidding about the fruit flavors. They're just pasta flavored. Once again, tomato is pretty dominant, but cheese rounds out the dish nicely, especially if you add a touch of parmesan to the finished product.

There still wasn't a ton of filling in these oversized raviolis, and the pasta itself was on the thin side, but it's a step in the right direction from those Bolognese fellows. There are only about a dozen pieces of pasta in the whole package, too, which is a bit stingy if you ask me, but I guess four bucks isn't exactly breaking the bank, either. The package is supposedly three servings, which would amount to about four pieces of pasta each. Sonia and I did six for her, six for me, and it worked out nicely for a moderately-filling lunch.

The wifey says she'd buy again. I'm on the fence. Something like four stars from Sonia and three from me once again for Trader Joe's Italian Tomato & Burrata Ravioloni.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Cinnamon Roll Blondie Bar Baking Mix

 

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Onion Confit Swirls

I guess if I were a real foodie, I'd know what the word "confit" meant without having to look it up. I've heard the phrase "duck confit," but that's about the only context in which I've ever actually noticed the word before. And to be honest, I have no idea what duck confit is.

I'm quite familiar with and fond of onions, however, so I thought I'd give this product a whirl. I looked at the packaging and saw a sort of dark brown swirl on these crackers. My brain immediately made the connection to caramelized onions since that's the first place my mind goes when I think of onions in a dark brown format.

And...yeah...no. That's not what these are. Apparently confit is anything cooked for a very long time at a low-ish temperature in grease or oil. Even if I had been aware of the meaning of the word "confit," I still don't think I would have imagined the taste of these swirls even semi-accurately. I would have imagined something, you know, greasy and oniony.

These crackers are dry as can be, if but maybe a tad oily...and they don't really taste like onions, sadly. Onion powder is the third ingredient after wheat flour and butter, and I guess there's a whisper of oniony essence, but not much more. I thought they'd be similar to those crispy onion chips, which were freaking amazing, but with maybe a bit more breadiness to them.

I don't know how I'd eat these things other than tossing them into savory soup of some kind. Honestly, I don't know if I'd ever reach for these puppies over classic croutons or even saltine crackers. They just need more onion flavor to be worth it. And they're extremely tiny. I wouldn't have minded if they were, you know, bite-sized...instead of half-bite-sized.

$2.49 for the 2.5 serving box. We will polish off the box within the week with the help of some tasty bisque or stew, but we probably would not buy again. Three and a half stars from Sonia. Three from me for Trader Joe's Onion Confit Swirls.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Non-Dairy Pumpkin Oat Beverage

You all know me. I'm a trooper. I'll try just about anything once. There are pumpkin products I love and pumpkin products I dislike, and everything in between. But this right here is pretty gross. I imagine it's about as close as I'll ever get to drinking a pumpkin spice candle.

I mean, we don't even have pumpkin spice cow's milk. Sure, I've had some killer pumpkin pie milkshakes in my day. And there are pumpkin coffee beverages galore, some of which are okay and some of which are not. But there's not really just plain pumpkin milk. So...just maybe the world doesn't need a dairy-free version of pumpkin milk..?

We tried the pumpkin almond beverage a few years back, and it wasn't good. It might have passed as a coffee creamer, but even that was pushing it. This stuff is an even paler shade of unnatural orange—not unlike orange cream milk or an orange creamsicle milkshake. Oh how I wish to God it tasted like an orange creamsicle.

It tastes like the dirty dishwater used to clean out several bowls of plain oatmeal...mixed with potpourri and a dash of pureed squash. The aftertaste is appalling. I just barely managed to down a couple swigs of it for this review. Never again.

Sonia, predictably, isn't nearly as disgusted as I am, although even she says she can't really taste pumpkin spices exactly. She thinks it needs more cinnamon. Yes. Okay. I'll agree with that. It definitely doesn't taste like cinnamon, and the taste of cinnamon is much less vile than the taste of this beverage, ergo, it could use some cinnamon I guess.

Sonia will finish the carton using it as a coffee creamer or to make her own potpourri lattes. $2.99 for the candle. Three out of five stars from the beautiful wifey. One star from me for Trader Joe's Non-Dairy Pumpkin Oat Beverage.

Bottom line: 4 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Broccoli & Cheddar Cheese Quiche

Eleven years ago, Sonia and I did our very first video review on Trader Joe's Mexicaine Quiche, a comparable product to this one with similar packaging and preparation instructions. The dish didn't exactly wow us, so for the most part, we've avoided Trader Joe's quiche offerings for the past decade.

Although, I must admit, I had completely forgotten about odd little items like this one, which were similarly underwhelming and unmemorable. But even so, at long last, it is time to give TJ's quiche another whirl. This time, it's the broccoli and cheddar variety.

There's plenty of egg and cheese here. The crust is nice and crumbly. It's slightly buttery and supple. Somehow, I feel this product flaunts a tastier spice blend than some of its predecessors. It certainly isn't spicy per se, but there's a nice overall flavor, which some of the other quiches lacked. There's onion in there, which helps, but as far as actual herbs and spices, all I'm seeing is garlic, salt, and pepper. In my humble opinion, it's enough—although, a few dabs of hot sauce can't hurt, either.

There are large chunks of broccoli here and there, which can be a little stringy. The bites that contained very small bits of broccoli were better texture-wise, and I think more finely-chopped veggies would have helped distribute the greens around the dish more evenly.

$2.99 for the single serving quiche. It's nothing to write home about, but I definitely don't hate it, either. It makes a more interesting breakfast than toaster pastries or cereal, I suppose. I don't know if I'd seek this product out again, but if I found it in the back of my freezer, I'd happily fire up the oven and eat it without complaint. Three and a half stars a piece from Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Broccoli & Cheddar Cheese Quiche.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Baked Sheep's Milk Ricotta Cheese

Calling this cheese "ricotta" threw me off a little at first. This is nothing like any other ricotta I've tried. We reviewed a cow's milk version on here not too long ago. I'm hardly a cheese expert—surprise, surprise—but this stuff reminds me of buffalo mozzarella way more than ricotta.

By itself, the cheese would be super clean and fresh but not very flavorful at all. The herbs de provence provide nearly all of the taste. It's fairly rosemary-forward to my palate. What else do I detect? Salt and some oregano, maybe..? There's also thyme and basil listed in the ingredients. Sure, I can tell they're there now that I read the list. There's also an herb called "savory" that I was unfamiliar with prior to this product. Apparently it's common in herbs de provence.

It's a nice blend of herbs. Placing thin slices of the cheese on a toasted baguette seems to be the best way to consume this product. It didn't really do much for pasta, and dessert-ish applications don't seem appropriate here at all. The simple pairing of this cheese with bread allows the herbs to shine and makes a more toothsome snack than cheese alone. I suppose water crackers would provide a similarly neutral pairing.

Sonia made the astute observation that it would go quite well with a balsamic glaze or something similar. I'd have to agree. We tried it with this grape must glaze and bread and it worked surprisingly well.

We paid $5.11 for our little circle of cheese. I think it was $12 per pound. It's definitely not what we expected, but it's quite good for what it is. And it's a little on the pricey side, but all gourmet cheeses tend to be that way.

Four stars from Sonia. Three and a half from me for Trader Joe's Baked Sheep's Milk Ricotta Cheese with Herbs de Provence.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Organic Apricot Preserves

For my obligatory, self-indulgent, lead-in segue today, I have to mention my childhood pet, Apricot. I've brought her up before on this blog, though not recently. I really loved that dog. I still have dreams about her decades after her passing. I love the little monsters we have now, but that dog was very special. She had apricot-colored fur, hence the moniker. Hey, I was only six when I named her. Can't talk about apricots without thinking of that pup. Don't worry. Food review begins...NOW.

I thought preserves were supposed to have big chunks of fruit in them. This stuff does not. I mean there's teensy tiny little particles of fruit to let you know it did, in fact, come from real apricots, but all in all, it's pretty darn smooth. Does that make it jelly? Or jam? I dunno. All I know is it's pretty good.

It's sweet and tart like apricots. Who'd have guessed? Honestly the cane sugar pushes it decidedly over onto the "sweet" side of the equation. Works for me. Goes great with butter and toast—or in this case, an English muffin. It's also scrumptious with that recently-reviewed toscano cheese and crackers.

It's made with organic apricots and organic cane sugar. Good stuff. $4.29 for the jar. Would buy again. I don't know if it could ever take the place of good old grape or strawberry jelly, but it shall be added to the rotation for sure. Four stars a piece from Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Organic Apricot Preserves.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Shrimp & Garlic Flatbread

I love shrimp. It's a blessing and a curse for Trader Joe's shrimp dishes because I get my hopes up so high each time I try a new one that it's difficult for some products to live up to my expectations. Throw the word "garlic" in the title and I start salivating like Pavlov's dog.

One thing I didn't notice when purchasing this product: it has mushrooms. I have a mild allergy to mushrooms and I really don't like them at all. It's not like I'll die if I eat them, though. I just get mild heart palpitations and increased pulse for a few minutes. Yes, my allergies are weird. I'd get into all that, but let's save that disturbing discussion for another review and dive right into this appetizer.

The flatbread comes in what appears to be a vacuum-sealed garbage bag that's black on one side and see-through on the other. Interesting. Haven't seen packaging quite like that before.

The heating instructions read "DO NOT MICROWAVE" bolded in all caps. Yikes. Okay, I mean I wasn't going to in this case, but I'll be a good boy and follow the instructions exactly this time. Just stop yelling at me. 375° for 20 minutes and we're ready to chow down.

Certain bites contained more cheese than others. The cheesiest sections delivered a generous blast of parmesan while other bites were simply toasty bread and garlic bechamel sauce. I'm certainly not complaining about the sauce, but by itself, it wasn't particularly memorable and only faintly garlicky.

There were only ten shrimp specimens on our entire flatbread. For six bucks, that's not super generous. The small quantity that was there, however, was quite tasty. They weren't rubbery or chewy at all—good quality, cooked to perfection. The mushrooms, though noticeable, were not abundant enough to bother me at all.

In the end, the flavor of this flatbread just wasn't special enough to win over either Sonia or me completely. The shrimp, though enjoyable, were not plenteous enough to save the dish entirely. Probably wouldn't buy again.

Three stars from me. Three and a half stars from the beautiful wifey for Trader Joe's Shrimp & Garlic Flatbread.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Josephsbrau Oktoberfest

I guess technically Oktoberfest season is over already, but since it's still the month of October, I'll squeeze this brief beverage review in here for the benefit of next year's readers at least. I'm no expert when it comes to Oktoberfest beers, so I'll just make this a quickie today. We've looked at numerous other Josephsbrau products on this blog, but I think this is the first one we've seen in a can.

This beer strikes me as being similar to other Oktoberfest selections I've tried, but perhaps thinner, lighter, and not quite as bold. The flavor is faintly leafy, nutty, and malty. I just drank it straight from the can, so I didn't really analyze the color, head, and clarity or anything like that.

I wouldn't have minded a tad more carbonation. It was a little fizzy but maybe not quite enough. By the end of the can it was noticeably more flat than it had been just a couple minutes prior.

At $1.34 for the can, the price is right and it's worth a purchase or two just to see if you'll like it or not. 5.3% ABV. Sonia and I will throw out three and a half stars a piece for Josephsbrau Oktoberfest.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Freeze Dried Fig Slices

A good freeze-dryer will run you in the ballpark of $2.5K. It wouldn't be a bad investment, honestly. I'd love to be able to make snack packs and meals that last a couple decades to throw in the fallout bunker (AKA the basement). Or I'd put together freeze-dried hiking packs that are super lightweight and compact. Fun fact: freeze-dried food weighs about 90% less than fully hydrated food.

But still, freeze-dryers are at least double or triple the size of a modern microwave. And preparing the food and storing it properly can be a lot of work. Two and a half grand isn't exactly cheap, either. So until we decide to shell out the big bucks, at least there's stuff like Trader Joe's Freeze Dried Fig Slices.

They're like circular pieces of styrofoam that look and taste like real figs...because they are real figs. They're crunchy and sweet, and they make you feel like an astronaut.

"Houston to Eagle. Have you touched down on the moon yet? Eagle, come in. I repeat, Eagle, come in. This is Houston requesting response. Over."

"Sorry, Houston, I couldn't hear you over the sound of these figs crunching. I can't stop eating them. They're so good. Over."

Sonia likes them even more than I do. Would buy again. $3.69 for the resealable single serving bag. Unsweetened. Unsulfured. Kosher. Just one ingredient. 

Four stars from me. Four and a half stars from the beautiful wifey for Trader Joe's Freeze Dried Figs.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Cheese, Spinach & Kale Egg Bites

I know, I know. Cholesterol is bad for you or something like that. But isn't some cholesterol good cholesterol? Wouldn't the cholesterol in egg yolks be the good kind? I like egg yolks. One of my all-time favorite social media tag lines for a post on this blog was for this egg white salad and it read:

Dear Yolk,
I miss you.
Yours,
Mr. White

It's like a little story in and of itself, in letter format. I realize it's totally arrogant and narcissistic to reference my own stuff like it's some kind of classic work of literature or something, but I bring it up because the same could be said about this product. Why do you hate yolks, Trader Joe?

That said, there's way more flavor in this product than that poor, sad egg white salad. And this product isn't bragging about being "spicy" or flaunting cowboy artwork on its packaging. This packaging says, "if you don't get your hopes up and just want some egg white and some veggies, you won't be let down." And I wasn't. Maybe because my expectations weren't particularly high.

The cottage cheese works really well here. It adds some tang and body to the dish. The two tiny eggy circles are still not very filling. Sonia and I shared them, one for each of us. But I see on the packaging that both bites together are considered a single serving. That tracks, because I could have eaten four or five of these things in one sitting, no problem.

There's a fair amount of spinach and kale throughout the product. One or two bites were just a tad stringy, but not overly so. The spice blend, including garlic powder, onion powder, and white pepper, was nice too.

$3.49 for a dish that's not very heavy at all. It tastes okay and it's probably not very fattening, so there's that. They're also very convenient, going from refrigerated to hot in 60 seconds. I guess we'd buy again? Three and a half stars from me. Four stars from Sonia for Trader Joe's Cheese, Spinach & Kale Egg Bites.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

The Gourd Tree Pumpkin Cider

Back around the time I was turning 21, I really didn't enjoy alcoholic beverages at all. I had tried sips of beer and wine here and there, mostly under the supervision of my parents because they knew I wouldn't really like them. So on the rare occasion I'd go to a bar with friends, I'd usually just get appetizers and a soda. That is, until a friend introduced me to hard cider.

Back in Pennsylvania, Vermont-based Woodchuck Cider was commonly available in bottles or on tap. It might be considered a little "girly," I know, but their amber cider was my gateway drug into the world of fine brewed beverages. Cider isn't really my go-to drink nowadays, since it's generally too sweet and contains too much sugar, but every once in a while, I'll see what's out there if I encounter a new brand or interesting flavor combo.

I'm not sure if this Gourd Tree brand cider is a Trader Joe's exclusive or not. I don't think I've ever seen it anywhere other than TJ's, but that isn't necessarily proof that it's a brand owned by Trader Joe's.

Anyway, there are only three ingredients in the can: fermented apple juice, pumpkin puree, and spices. It's great that they publish their ingredients, since most alcoholic beverages do not, as it is not required by law for some suspicious reason. And it's even greater that the list is so short and simple.

Taste-wise, it's very sweet. Definitely don't reach for this beverage unless you're craving something sugary. The good news is it's natural sugar. That said, the sweetness isn't overly syrupy or thick. It has a crisp, refreshing flavor that's bubbly, clean, and fun.

That "pumpkin puree" had me a little worried, but there's not much in the way of detectable squash matter in the drink. It's thin and smooth. The pumpkin spice blend plays second fiddle to the sweet, fermented apple flavor, but it's definitely there.

It's available in a six pack for $9.99 or you can buy individual cans for $1.67 each. Even if it is bordering on "too sweet," this product isn't overly processed or fake at all, and it tastes that way. We would buy again. Double fours on The Gourd Tree Pumpkin Cider from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.