Trader Joe's Slightly Coated Dark Chocolate Almonds

Seems like there must have been somebody out there grumbling and whining on the interzones about there being too thick a layer of dark chocolate on Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Almonds or something to that effect. I'm not sure why else Trader Joe's would offer this very specific product. Although I've protested and complained about various Trader Joe's discontinuations, lack of locations, and parking lot situations time and time again and they pretty well ignore me consistently.

"Pay no mind to that arrogant blogger boy and the eight US states that don't have a single Trader Joe's location...but let's be sure to give Karen her dark chocolate almonds that are somewhere in between totally coated and not coated at all." 

Never mind this is at least the fifth type of chocolate covered almond we've reviewed on this blog. I won't even link to the others directly. If you're curious you can type "chocolate almond" into the Search This Blog bar.

Anyhoo, we've got a resealable bag here, which I appreciate since I won't be eating the entire thing in one sitting. It's a 10 oz package for five bucks, which is honestly kinda cheap for nuts in 2023. And it's pretty much what you'd expect after reading the description on the bag: almonds with a bit of dark chocolate and faint saltiness.

I'd prefer more chocolate to be honest. Or milk chocolate. Or cookie butter. But hey, they're only going for "just a little sweet" here. Mission accomplished, I guess. I hope all those folks looking for not-plain-almonds but also not-super-duper-chocolate-coated-almonds are happy. Me? Meh. They're not bad, but I'm generally only in the mood for regular almonds or almonds coated with a normal amount of chocolate. Three stars from this guy for Trader Joe's Slightly Coated Dark Chocolate Almonds. Four from the beautiful wifey.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Maple Pancake Snaps

Wait. Didn't we just look at these things like two weeks ago? It's like deja vu all over again. Ah, no. Those were Maple Pancake Puffs. These are Maple Pancake Snaps.

Same basic flavor in a different format. At first glance, the nutrition information looks comparable to the puffs, but if you look a little longer, you'll notice these cookies have more saturated fat, cholesterol, sodium, and added sugars. So I'd say they're definitely a tad more indulgent in case you're watching your figure or concerned about your health or something silly like that.

But are they worth it? Well...that's just going to come down to individual preference. I think I liked the puffs better, honestly. Conversely, I don't dislike these cookies. They have the same mapley, buttery flavor as their predecessor. There's also a touch of cinnamon this time around, which is nice.

The cookies are slightly oily to the touch, but they're mostly just crunchy and crumbly, not unlike a typical ginger snap, texture-wise. They don't come neatly in rows, wrapped in cellophane as some other Trader Joe's cookies do, but rather these come all jumbled up in a big, non-resealable plastic sack as shown in the picture above.

$3.99 for about 54 bite-sized cookies. These treats are unique and tasty enough that they'll find their fans and devotees. I just don't think that's us. The box says a serving size is about six cookies. Each time I've reached for them, I've tired of the taste and texture after only two or three—in stark contrast to the puffs version.

While not hating on them, Sonia is equally unimpressed with Trader Joe's Maple Pancake Snaps as she was with the puffs. Three out of five stars from her. I'll have to downgrade my score by a star or so, since I think the original snack was better, more unique, and more impressive overall. Three and a half out of five stars from me.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Sriracha Sprinkle Seasoning Blend

Second only to ketchup, sriracha might be my favorite condiment of all time. Unlike ketchup, however, I didn't grow up with it. I think I discovered it in the mid-2000's, when I was a daring twenty-something roaming the streets of Los Angeles, discovering new foods and new adventures each and every week. It was undoubtedly Vegan Glory or some other top-notch Southland Thai-style restaurant where I first partook of sriracha's tangy, fermented flavor and spicy zing.

My sinuses had been lulled to sleep slowly over those first couple years in the arid air of Southern California, and sriracha helped snap my sense of smell and taste buds back to life. Since the late 2000's or so, Sonia and I have perpetually had a bottle of the stuff on hand in our kitchen.

That said, I was similarly disappointed with Trader Joe's Sriracha Sprinkle Seasoning Blend like I was with the ketchup sprinkle, although not to the same degree. I'll get the negative out of the way first: there's just no way this stuff is as good as real sriracha. Not even close.

But that said, most of my remaining thoughts are positive. It's spicy, though there's a different feeling to the heat here. The first ingredient in this seasoning blend is garlic, while the first ingredient in traditional sriracha is generally chiles.

Sriracha just tastes and feels like super flavorful, liquefied hot chiles, and of course, it's brilliant. Trader Joe's Sriracha Sprinkle Seasoning Blend tastes mostly like garlic powder mixed with cayenne pepper. There's a hint of vinegar in there, too, but it's fairly understated and undetectable.

I feel like I might have enjoyed this product a bit more if it weren't called "sriracha" since I get my hopes up every time I see "sriracha" plastered on a food product. If it had been called Trader Joe's Garlic and Cayenne Spicy Seasoning Blend, I might have been pleasantly surprised rather than slightly let down.

And once again, if the apocalypse finally arrives and the supply chain breaks down and real sriracha is nowhere to be found, I must say this seasoning will certainly be better than no sriracha at all...but that's not really saying that much. Sonia feels the same.

$2.99 for the 2.5 oz shaker. Three stars from me for Trader Joe's Sriracha Sprinkle Seasoning Blend. Sonia will throw out three and a half.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Riced Hearts of Palm

Trader Joe's is discovering that hearts of palm are nearly as versatile as cauliflower. We've already looked at Trader Joe's Hearts of Palm Pasta, and I've already given my contemplative spiel about palm trees, so this time we'll just jump right into the food review.

Inside the box, there's a plastic pouch full of the riced hearts of palm. After snipping the corner or top of the pouch, you have to squeeze the contents out in the manner of toothpaste from a tube. They land in your saucepan resembling a lumpy wet mass. Not particularly appetizing. The smell is odd and excessively planty, similar to the pasta version, but not something that's familiar otherwise. Again, not particularly appetizing.

After heating, however, the product improves drastically both in smell and appearance. The aroma gets richer and more earthy, almost squash-like. The little palm pieces start to resemble actual rice as the liquids are partially cooked away.

The finished product is still a little wetter than actual rice somehow. The pieces are slightly more gelatinous than grainy. Still, they're quite edible. They need some fixins, though. The box recommends serving the dish with olive oil, veggies, and spices. I tried experimenting with a bunch of TJ's seasonings but nothing stood out head and shoulders above the others.

I like traditional rice the best. And I'd probably take riced cauliflower over this stuff. Still, this isn't a bad option. I wouldn't go out of my way to purchase Trader Joe's Riced Hearts of Palm again, but if someone served it to me as a side dish, I would eat it without complaint.

$3.49 for the 9 oz package. Vegan. Gluten free. Three and a half stars a piece from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Ketchup Flavored Sprinkle Seasoning Blend

When I was a kid, people used to tell me, "Your taste buds will change, Nathan, and you'll grow to love tomatoes." Yuck. Raw tomatoes never did it for me. I would eat all manner of fruits and even most veggies as a young kid, but I could never get into the taste of raw tomato.

Now, ketchup, on the other hand, was an absolute staple of my diet. I was fine with tomato soup, tomato sauce, and tomato everything—just not the fruit they were all derived from. Due to food allergies and sensitivities, I'd often have nothing but a plain burger for breakfast as a child. No bread. No cheese. It was sometimes beef, but often bison or something more exotic. As long as I could have it with ketchup, I was a happy camper.

I'd put ketchup on fries, scrambled eggs, hash browns, and pretty much any kind of meat. I loved the stuff. I still do, although I prefer hot sauce on eggs and hash browns now. But if Sonia and I get burgers and fries, I absolutely need a bunch of ketchup to go with my food.

So I simply assumed I'd love Trader Joe's Ketchup Sprinkle Seasoning Blend. Powdered ketchup. Why not?

But I don't love it. And I can't quite put my finger on why it's nowhere near as good as real ketchup. So far I've only tried it on fries and burgers. It doesn't really work in either case.

The beautiful wifey tried to stay positive and pointed out that if for some reason the apocalypse comes and fresh ketchup is no longer available and we've used up all our spare packets from fast food places, that Trader Joe's Ketchup Flavored Sprinkle Seasoning Blend would be better than nothing. Yeah, I guess. I'm reluctant to even give it that much credit. But yeah. If real ketchup were to suddenly vanish from the earth, I guess this ketchup-themed condiment would be better than nothing at all.

It tastes like powdered tomato and sugar. Weirdly, I feel like it tastes more like tomato than actual ketchup does. Maybe that's why I don't like it that much. Maybe folks who actually like the taste of tomato, like Sonia, will enjoy this more than I do. It's just a theory, but I think there may be something to it.

I would never purchase this again. It's worse than the worst real ketchup I've ever had: the ketchup from fast food restaurants in Europe. Their ketchup is like three quarters vinegar. Blech.

Time will tell whether Sonia likes it enough to use it up and get another shaker. My gut says she won't use it much, if at all. She'll give it a decent score, though. Three and a half stars from her.

$2.99 for the 2.6 oz shaker. I'll give Trader Joe's Ketchup Seasoning Blend two out of five stars. Better than no ketchup at all...but that's as far as I'll go.

Bottom line: 5.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Apple Chip Duo

It's a little scary if you think about it, but I asked ChatGPT to write a review of Trader Joe's Apple Chip Duo and in mere seconds, it composed a multi-paragraph blog post style review of a product featuring two types of apple chips that was grammatically-correct, intelligible, and about half as long as the average food review on this blog. 

It wasn't particularly engaging, however. I mean, that's the only saving grace here. I hope I have a bit more personality than an online artificial intelligence robot. It just goes to show that you can have perfect spelling, perfect grammar, and still not have what it takes to be a successful writer. You gotta have some heart. You gotta have opinions. You gotta have weird stories. And it doesn't hurt to say "gotta" once in a while instead of "have to."

I'd copy and paste the OpenAI-generated review here, but I'm not sure about copyrights and things like that. I guess I can quote a sentence or two just to give you a flavor of what it wrote: "The baked cinnamon apple chips are equally as tasty, with a crisp, crunchy texture and a warm, cinnamon flavor that is simply irresistible. They're a great option for people who are looking for a low-fat and low-sugar snack that is still sweet and satisfying."

The funny thing is that there are no baked cinnamon apple chips here. Apparently the details of the product were simply fabricated on the spur of the moment by the A.I. The two types of chips in the bag are, according to the ingredients, "red apples" and "green apples." I wasn't sure what the "duo" mentioned on the bag was referring to until after I purchased the product and really looked at the packaging. The red apples are indeed sweet and the green apples tart.

Texture-wise, both types of apple chips are completely dehydrated. The ChatGPT assumed the chips would be both "crunchy" and "juicy." I had to laugh out loud at that. It was half right. They are crunchy, brittle, and quite dry, like many of Trader Joe's other freeze dried offerings.

As far as being "low-fat" and "low-sugar," it's definitely right on the fat front. Zero grams of fat. There are 35g of total sugars, but all of it is natural. No sugars added.

Sonia likes these a tad more than I do. I prefer some of TJ's other dried fruits. $2.49 for 2oz of dehydrated apples. Four stars from the beautiful wifey. Three stars from me on Trader Joe's Apple Chip Duo.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Pizza Sprinkle Seasoning Blend

Whenever Sonia and I purchase a new seasoning blend from Trader Joe's, we like to kick things off with a little brainstorming session about what we could potentially do with our newfound condiment. With this one, I immediately thought of turning our run-of-the-mill everyday quesadillas into little Mexican-Italian fusion pizzas.

It might have come off a little blasphemous to the beautiful wifey, since quesadillas are to her like bread and butter are to us white folks. But before she could object, I reminded her of the wise words of Ted Lasso: You don't bring an umbrella to a brainstorm.

And in no time flat, I had a flour tortilla topped with a slice of mozzarella warming in the microwave. About 30 seconds later, I was administering a dusting of Trader Joe's Pizza Sprinkle Seasoning Blend over the subject of my culinary experiment.

And voila, the fastest, easiest pizza in the history of mankind was born. I mean...you could argue those pizza Lunchables are even easier, since you don't even need to warm them. Although, let's face it: they're kinda gross.

My pizzadilla creation was surprisingly not gross, though I suppose I'm a bit biased, and a lot would depend on the type of tortilla you used and whether you used good cheese or not. A lot would depend on using the right amount of this seasoning, too. Too much could easily overpower a simple, mild cheese like mozzarella. Just a dusting and not much more seemed to work quite well in this instance.

I could see us finding dozens of different uses for this seasoning blend. Pizzadillas, pizza fries, pizza pasta, pizza burgers, pizza veggies, pizza omelettes? Trader Joe's Pizza Sprinkle Seasoning Blend will get a thumbs up from both Sonia and me.

$2.99 for the shaker. Four stars from Sonia. Four and a half from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Fig Cookies

By most consumer accounts that I've read, these fig cookies are inferior to their predecessors: Trader Joe's Fig Bites, which were really nothing to write home about in the first place. The fig bites were basically TJ's brand fig newtons with perhaps slightly healthier ingredients (no hydrogenated oils or HFCS) and exotic figs imported from Turkey.

This iteration called Trader Joe's Fig Cookies appeared about two years ago if memory serves correctly. The product has been repackaged and renamed. I believe there are fewer cookies in this pack, but this one is also a tad cheaper at $1.99 for about a dozen cookies. They taste roughly the same, but for some reason, these tend to stick together like they've been glued to one another with sticky fig juice. They're crumbly, soft, and vaguely fig newton-esque. I guess I'd buy these again just to avoid the bad stuff in Nabisco Fig Newtons.

The top ingredients include: unbleached enriched flour, cane sugar, figs, tapioca syrup, palm oil, and agave syrup. Calorie-wise, we're looking at 150 per two cookies. You'll get 3.5 grams of fat per serving, 1.5 of which is saturated fat. For full ingredients and nutrition information, please click here.

Three stars from me for Trader Joe's Fig Cookies. Sonia gives them three stars as well.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Peanut Butter & Jelly Frooze Balls

Just a quick hit for today. It's our first non-Trader Joe's brand product of 2023. It is widely available at Trader Joe's stores as well as a few other major retailers and grocery chains.

Frooze Balls. Not sure how I feel about that name for the product. Like I guess it could be a contraction or portmanteau of the words "fruit" and "ooze." They are made mostly of fruit, and there is a sort of ooze in the middle of them, so "Frooze Balls" it is.

They're made of date and coconut squished into a soft, moist texture, filled with peanut butter and various fruit purees and juices to make up the "jelly" part of the equation. They're fairly filling for how small they are, and they taste kind of like you'd expect: sweet, fruity, nutty. I like them okay, but I tire of them quickly after I've had one or two. They lack...pizzazz in my book, though many will disagree.

Sonia's a tad more into them than I am. She gives them four stars. We've also tried the chocolate hazelnut variety, which I like about the same as these. Sonia prefers PB&J over chocolate hazelnut. $1.99 for five balls. Vegan. Kosher. I give the Peanut Butter & Jelly Frooze Balls three and a half stars.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Everything Ciabatta Rolls

Every time I go to the grocery store and get cold cuts, cheese, greens, and plain wheat or white bread, there's a process that inevitably follows over the next few days in our kitchen. On the first couple days, if I get hungry around lunch time, I remember we have sandwich stuff, and I make a sandwich, and it hits the spot.

After the first few days, I try to think of something...anything other than a sandwich for lunch because I'm tired of the same thing day after day, but then I realize it's just Sonia and me and I better eat a sandwich before one of the ingredients spoils. By the end of the tub of cold cuts or the loaf of bread, I'm only eating the sandwich out of a sense of obligation to not let anything go bad, and then I don't want homemade sandwiches for a long time.

I present to you the remedy for this conundrum: Trader Joe's Everything Ciabatta Rolls. No matter how many times I make sandwiches with this stuff, it never tastes or feels boring. It always feels like I went out to a cafe and had some professional sandwich artist craft some deli-fresh food of the gods just for me.

The bread itself is great quality and the "everything" seasonings just throw it over the top. There's onions, garlic, poppy seeds, sesame seeds, and sea salt in the mix. It's just the right combo to make a sandwich feel uncommon, even if it did just come from my own kitchen.

$2.49 for four rolls. Sonia and I will definitely purchase again. Four and a half stars a piece on Trader Joe's Everything Ciabatta Rolls.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Salmon Rub Seasoning Blend

Salmon, when done right, is right up there with my favorite foods of all time. I'm talking nice sit-down restaurant, cooked and seasoned to perfection, served with lemon, herbs, and some fancy sides. It's hard to beat that in my book. I'd generally prefer top-shelf salmon over steak, chicken, or any other meat.

Unfortunately, I've had my share of sub-par salmon. Trader Joe's has offered up a doozy or two throughout the years. There's also been some good ones, too. Salmon can be done perfectly, or it can be perfectly awful, and there's a whole lot of gray area in between.

But if you're into buying frozen salmon fillets like Sonia and I are, and you're looking for something to take that middle-of-the-run salmon into superb​ territory, Trader Joe's Salmon Rub Seasoning is your new best friend.

It's best when used as an actual rub—that is, put some olive oil on the fish and then sprinkle this seasoning on it and literally rub it in before baking/air frying/grilling your fillet. But honestly, it's not terrible when just sprinkled on already-cooked fish after the fact.

It's the perfect blend of sweet, smoky, and savory. There's no one element that's overpowering, and it enhances the flavor of the fish exquisitely.

A lot of times if something contains a "smoked" ingredient, I find it revolting for some reason. Not this time. There is a faint smoked flavor, for sure, but it doesn't taste like chemicals and it's not overpowering at all. The smoked paprika is very welcome here as it rounds out the brown sugar sweetness and really adds to the flavor profile without being obnoxious.

I'm sure some folks will find it a tad on the sweet side, but Sonia and I both loved it. $2.69 for the 2.6 oz shaker. Four and a half stars a piece for Trader Joe's Salmon Rub Seasoning Blend.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Sourdough Sliced Bread

One summer during my college years, a fellow student named Tim rented one of the vacant rooms in the house I lived in. As I was going about my business in the common areas one day, I noticed a bowl of...something on the seldom-used dining room table. It looked like a science experiment of sorts and smelled vaguely tart.

Tim later explained that it was sourdough starter and that he was going to bake his own bread. He mentioned the sourdough starter needed to rot a bit just sitting at room temperature because that's what made the dough sour. I was a little grossed out but after a day or so, he baked the bread and let me try a bite. It was surprisingly tasty. I mean, I'd obviously had sourdough before, but after seeing it in its primordial form, I didn't expect Tim's batch to taste so good. I've never looked at sourdough the same since.

And if anything, Trader Joe's Sourdough Sliced Bread is above average for store-bought pre-sliced sourdough. It's got just the right amount of tang and sourness, and just the right amount of wheat and barley goodness. The texture is just a bit chewier than regular white bread, and it's perfect plain with butter or as the outer layer of a sandwich. It's become one of our regular purchases at TJ's.

I believe it was $2.99 when we bought this last loaf, but it might have gone up recently, as many bread products have. If you feel like getting crafty, there's a recipe for Sweet & Spicy Pimento Grilled Cheese on TJ's official website. It sounds pretty yummy, but what are the odds I'll remember to pick up all those ingredients on the same trip?

Sonia gives Trader Joe's Sourdough Sliced Bread four and a half stars out of five. I give it four.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Carb Savvy Tortillas

Sonia, my wife, is a proud American, but she's descended from a long line of Mexican ladies that purchased nothing but handmade corn tortillas daily for many generations. A snack we've had at least weekly, if not daily, since we got married over 13 years ago is quesadillas. If we run out of everything else, we've always got little tortillas and some cheese in the fridge. Heat them up, throw on a couple drops of Tapatio or Cholula, and you've got yourself an authentic Mexican-inspired snack.

We've done corn tortillas, flour tortillas, and we've even tried other low-carb tortillas. What I'm trying to get at here is that my beautiful wifey knows her tortillas and is somewhat of a tortilla snob. And I'm slowly becoming one too.

Sonia and I both agree the Mission brand carb balance soft tortillas are surprisingly good. And we both agree that these Trader Joe's Carb Savvy Tortillas made with Whole Wheat are not. In general, they lack flavor. There's a whisper of something oddly nutty by virtue of the whole wheat, but it's just enough to let you know that there's something missing.

The texture is even worse. It's like a thin sheet of leather. It's a little too tough and chewy for either of our tastes. I guess they beat the Mission brand in terms of their lack of carbs. These contain 9 grams of carbohydrates per tortilla compared to Mission's 19 grams each. The difference is tastable.

If you're really concerned about your carb intake and you want to make quesadillas or tacos or wraps or something along those lines, an even lower carb alternative is Trader Joe's Egg Wraps—a product with superior taste and texture, albeit not exactly tortilla-esque, with an extra bit of protein up in the mix and also gluten-free. I guess those wouldn't really work if you're vegan, but that's about the only scenario I can think of where I'd steer you towards these. Are these even vegan? Usually the packaging announces it quite loudly and proudly...

$2.69 for 10 tortillas. Would not buy again. One star from Sonia for Trader Joe's Carb Savvy Tortillas made with Whole Wheat. Two stars from me.

Bottom line: 3 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Raw Almond Butter

In my hometown growing up, there was a farmer's market my parents liked to go to run by a local Mennonite family. They had all kinds of fresh produce, meats, and baked goods. In the fall, they'd put out scarecrows with pumpkin heads and hay mazes, and they'd sell homemade apple cider and a myriad of pies and goodies.

My absolute favorite part about going there was watching the employees make peanut butter with an old-fashioned hand crank grinder. It was literally nothing but unshelled peanuts going into the hopper, and the purest, rawest peanut butter coming out the other end. They'd put it in a mason jar and weigh it, and that was that.

To this day, that was the best peanut butter I've ever had. It's a simple case of "less is more." And that's exactly what we have here with Trader Joe's Raw Almond Butter. Less is more. Nothing but raw almonds in that jar. They didn't even add salt.

Many moons ago, our old Pittsburghian compadre reviewed Trader Joe's Creamy Almond Butter. I remember thinking he was a little harsh on the product since Sonia and I had tried it around the same time and both of us had generally positive sentiments about it.

But both the beautiful wifey and I must admit this raw version is head and shoulders better. The difference? They used dry roasted almonds in the previous version...and added some cashews? Weird.

Trader Joe's is peddling an organic almond butter most recently. Apparently this raw version is not made with certified organic almonds but their new kind is. Also, there was very recently a crunchy version of this raw almond butter which is now discontinued, much to the chagrin of crunchy almond butter fans the world over.

I should also point out that this almond butter isn't technically completely raw, since it has been pasteurized. Does that affect the flavor? Who knows. I've never had unpasteurized almond butter.

The butter itself is both runny and a little gritty—it's a good gritty though. The runniness can vary from serving to serving based on how recently and how vigorously the almond butter has been agitated. You really have to manhandle the stuff the get the semi-solid parts to integrate with the liquids.

$5.99 for the jar. Not exactly cheap, but hey, despite a few weaknesses, Trader Joe's Raw Almond Butter gets a thumbs up from me. We'll go with three and a half stars. 

This is Sonia's new favorite nut butter of all time. She gives it a perfect five out of five.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert Chocolate Fudge Oat Bars

Let's kick the new year off right. It's January, and everybody's craving frozen treats, right? No? Well then, let's crank up the heat, put on a tropical island screen saver, and pretend it's the middle of July. Not every review can be seasonally appropriate.

I've honestly been surprised how well oat lends itself to fudge and chocolate flavors. In almost every case, these oats and oat milk-based products would have been a godsend if I were still on my milk-free diet as I was as a child, or for that matter, if I were vegan. I'm thinking these Chocolate Fudge Oat Bars, the recently-reviewed Very Chocolatey Oat Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert, and Trader Joe's Oat Chocolate Bars.

Conversely, in each case, these chocolatey oat desserts fall just shy of my good old dairy-based stand-by treats. Although it's not really my thing these days, I used to love a good Fudgesicle circa junior high and high school. That's basically what these are: vegan fudge popsicles.

They taste fudgey enough for me, although they might fall a hair shy of the originals in terms of rich chocolatey goodness and creaminess. Still, for being oat-based, it's hard to complain, since the differences are negligible.

Texture-wise, they're sorta creamy-ish, I guess, but also almost a tad oily I'd say. Is it the cocoa butter? Sunflower lecithin? Both? It's not really unappetizing, just unique. The mouthfeel of this product is...interesting.

$3.49 for four bars. It seems odd there are only four. Six would be ideal by my estimate. Sonia gives these oaty treats four out of five stars. I give Trader Joe's Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert Chocolate Fudge Oat Bars three out of five stars.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Peppermint Hot Chocolate

This was an enthusiastic recommendation from the Trader Joe's clerk. After seeing my bottle of peppermint liqueur, he asked, "Have you tried the peppermint hot chocolate!? It's my favorite this time of year!" Before I could answer, he jumped away from the register and started walking towards the tea and coffee aisle and bid me follow. So I did.

He inserted himself in between the product shelves and some older ladies who looked at him rather indignantly for interrupting their beverage hunt. Having obtained a tin of this peppermint hot chocolate mix, he held it aloft and shouted, "This! Right here! You have to try it!"

Neither Sonia nor I are "must have everything peppermint" people, but I felt like this guy might burst into tears if I said I wasn't interested, and well, you know, trying new-to-us Trader Joe's stuff is kind of a thing we do, so I told him to throw it in with my groceries.

I know this product has been around for years, and you know what? It's pretty darn good. I don't know if I can muster quite the level of enthusiasm that TJ's clerk did, but I definitely see where he's coming from, especially if you're a big fan of peppermint.

The dominant flavor here is peppermint, even more than chocolate I'd say, but somehow it's balanced and tempered. There's no peppermint overload, despite it being peppermint-forward. The chocolate aspects are basically what you'd expect. It's a "bittersweet chocolate" they used. It's a tad richer than your basic sweet milk chocolate and it helps keep the mintiness in check.

We made ours with cow's milk and added whipped cream, so it was nice and creamy and dessert-like. I really can't get into hot chocolate made with water. I suppose if you're in it for the peppermint rather than the chocolate, hot water would do in a pinch.

$4.99 for eight servings, according to the info on the package. I would have guessed closer to 12 servings, but I suppose that depends on how much powder you use and the size of your mug, etc, etc. Four and a half times two from Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Peppermint Hot Chocolate.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Decorate Your Own Holiday Ornaments Cookie Kit

It might be an unpopular opinion, but in general, I think food should just be food and decorations should just be decorations. I've never discovered a product that excelled at both simultaneously. And that's to be expected, isn't it? Most edible decorations have been handled excessively before anyone gets the chance to eat them. And if they do, in fact, serve the purpose of ornamentation, well, then...they've likely been sitting out in the open collecting dust, being touched by children and licked by pets for goodness knows how long.

Of course, there are exceptions to every rule. And that's one of the reasons we'll be looking at this classic Trader Joe's Decorate Your Own Holiday Ornaments Cookie Kit. We'll be sure to score based on value and fun-factor, not just on taste and texture of the "baked cookies."

First observation: this is a big box. It's heavy. It's one pound and 4.7 ounces! I think that's the second heaviest food product we've ever purchased from Trader Joe's after the big round tin of Jingle Jangle.

There are three tubes of icing: red, white, and green. The colors aren't particularly vibrant. They're rather drab for holiday red and green. I suppose we can chalk that up to Trader Joe's using natural stuff for colors like vegetable juice, paprika, beet powder, turmeric, and spirulina extract instead of typical man-made dyes. That's fine. It's a trade-off.

There are two of each cookie shape: gift box, Christmas tree, snowman, and snowflake. And there are two little packets of candy decorations, one with tiny snowflakes, candy canes, gingerbread men, trees, and balls of various colors. They also give you shiny golden twist ties to hang the ornaments from your Christmas tree.

They taste like the most boring sugar cookies ever. They're only moderately sweet, and they taste and feel like they were meant to be decorative. The candy sprinkles and icings aren't much better. I honestly wouldn't buy this as a food item. I guess kids might like 'em, but I can't imagine many adults being enamored by the taste and texture of these things. A full cookie contains 300 calories, and that's not even close to worth it by my estimation—especially around the holidays when there are so many super tasty foods available.

But I gotta admit, they're cute. Feel free to critique our handiwork in the comments below. I'm sure your kids made much nicer cookies than we did. We're a little out of practice at decorating edible Christmas ornaments.

$7.99 for eight cookies. We'll offer two separate scores here, one as a food item, and another as a decorative one. Four Christmas stars a piece from Sonia and me as far as a fun family activity and ornamental value are concerned for Trader Joe's Decorate Your Own Holiday Ornaments Cookie Kit. Two grinchy Christmas stars a piece from Sonia and me for the edible aspects of this box of cookies.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10 stars for the fun-factor.

Bottom line: 4 out of 10 stars for the food-factor.

Trader Joe's Green Goddess Seasoning Blend

Most people you ask will tell you green goddess dressing is characterized by sour cream and mayo content. Trader Joe's seems to have taken the stance that green goddess is defined by its spice blend rather than its creamy base products. I'll back that claim up with exhibit A: Trader Joe's Green Goddess Salad Dressing, a vegan take on the classic condiment. Sonia and I both have an affinity for avocado and avocado-based products, so the lack of dairy and eggs didn't hurt when we scored that product.

Conversely, TJ's isn't hating on the traditional sour cream and mayo combo. As long as it has that lemon, basil, garlic, pepper, and chives blend, it's still worthy of the moniker "green goddess." Exhibit B: Trader Joe's Green Goddess Dip.

And finally, I bring before you exhibit C, a non-vegan green goddess flavored food, void of sour cream and mayo, but still worthy of the name. They didn't call it Gouda with Basil, Garlic, and Chives. They called it Trader Joe's Green Goddess Gouda.

Predictably, Trader Joe's now offers the spice blend in a shaker all by itself so you can make ANYTHING green goddess-style. Green goddess eggs. Green goddess fries. Green goddess popcorn. Green goddess turkey and swiss sandwiches. Green goddess ice cream? Insert something even more ridiculous than green goddess ice cream here. There's even a recipe for Green Goddess Dressing on the side of the shaker, although that's not particularly ridiculous.

It tastes like classic green goddess spices, and it's super convenient. It goes well with just about any salty or savory food you can think of. It's fairly allium-forward, and they didn't overdo it with the salt. The lemon elements are surprisingly potent, as well. It's a very nice flavorful blend.

I'd call it a decent value at $2.49 for 2 oz. I think we're looking at four stars a piece from Sonia and me on Trader Joe's Green Goddess Seasoning Blend.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Mini Peppermint Meringues

I've admitted before on this blog that I'm not big into the texture of meringues. I think it was in a review of the Vienna Coffee Meringues that I likened the texture of Trader Joe's meringue cookies to chalk. These are really no different. So why try them at all you ask?

Because sometimes Trader Joe's surprises me. And even more frequently than that, I surprise myself. Somehow, peppermint lends itself to crunchy, sugary stuff more than most flavors. I guess I'm thinking of candy canes. I'd always be too impatient to suck the thing slowly, and I'd just snap a big piece off and start crunching away, much to the chagrin of my parents and childhood dentist.

Anyway, if I could chew hard candy peppermint as a kid, I guess I can give these airy, crunchy peppermint dealies a try. At least these are meant to be crunched rather than sucked, so there's that. However, I can't imagine they're much better for your teeth than a candy cane.

The flavor is fine. It's candy cane-esque, with sugar and egg white mixed in there. I still can't fully get past the texture, though. I'm fine chomping on one or two at a time, but I could never really see myself craving these sweets over any other type of cookies or candy.

I guess one reason people like them is the zero fat content and low calorie count. If not for the sugar content, these might be considered keto-friendly. In fact, the serving suggestion says 11 "cookies" are only 80 calories. I had to see what other folks were saying about these meringues around the web and stumbled across a review that summed up my feelings on the subject nearly exactly: "I'm convinced that eating 11 of these would put you in the hospital, needing an IV insulin drip."

He's right. Eating 11 of these in one sitting should be called the Trader Joe's Mini Peppermint Meringues Challenge and should be regarded with the same contempt that sane folks have for things like swallowing an entire Carolina reaper pepper or a whole shaker of cinnamon while filming oneself on TikTok.

$2.99 for the tub of ~38 mini meringues isn't a bad value. I definitely wouldn't buy them again. Predictably, Sonia tolerated them a bit better than I did, but she's not down for a repeat buy either. I think we're looking at about three stars each on Trader Joe's Mini Peppermint Meringues.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.