Trader Joe's Spring Cupcake Mix

I have no idea if this product is back on Trader Joe's shelves again this year. They discontinue good stuff at the drop of a hat. Even if it's not back this spring, there's always a chance they'll bring it back in the future at some point, so just go ahead and read the review anyway and pretend it's relevant now. Mmkay? Thanks.

I procured my box by traveling back in time to Spring 2022. You didn't know I had a time machine? I've mentioned it before. I call it the magical DeLorean TARDIS time sled hot tub. Super original, right? I decided to pick up a box of this mix this year because I was unable to get my hands on one last spring.

And I'm glad I did. It's a tasty product. Some assembly required, of course. Also eggs, water, butter, and milk. Twenty-two minutes in the oven at 350° and we're in business.

Trader Joe's Spring Cupcakes came out super moist, sweet, and vanilla-y. The green frosting was a little runny at first, but after congealing in the fridge for a half hour or so, it got nice and spreadable. Oh—that's another thing: the frosting mix is white, but when you mix it with butter, it turns green. It's like a far-out science experiment. I can't even explain it...and I built a time machine.

There's nothing oily or cheap or sub-par about these cupcakes. Nothing that tastes off. Well, now that I say that, those little egg candies didn't blend so well with the other elements, texture or flavor-wise. They have a candy shell with dark chocolate and caramel within. There's nothing wrong with them, really. They just feel like an unnecessary gimmick that got thrown in at the last second to make the product feel more Eastery or springy or something.

$4.99 for the box of cake mix, frosting mix, and little dark chocolate caramel egg candies. Four stars a piece from Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Spring Cupcake Mix. And for those of you who wonder why I can't use my time machine to go forward to see whether TJ's brings this product back or not—well, of course I can. But there's no telling whether the timeline we wind up on as a collective is the same one I'll travel to in order to do product recon. I have seen at least one tangent universe where this product is back. But I've seen a bunch where it's not. In essence, the future isn't set in stone. Anyway, Sonia gives this product four out of five stars. I, John Titor, er...I mean Nathan, give this product four stars as well.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Bark

I like my chocolate like I like my women: dark and chunky. 

Ha, no. I can't even right now. I like my women petite, like my Sonia. And I actually prefer white chocolate. I just always wanted to say "I like my women like I like some food or beverage." I tried it once long ago, and it didn't work then either.

Seriously, though: a quick internet search will reveal that dark chocolate is the best kind of chocolate for raising serotonin levels in the body. Among other things, it's the chemical that regulates emotions, appetite, and sleep cycles. So despite a preference for the taste of white or milk chocolate, there are other reasons why I might reach for the dark variety once in a while.

And there's plenty of dark chocolate in this little bag of bark. There are big slabs of the stuff—mostly quadrilateral shapes. I'd say each chunk is at least four bites a piece, and I'd say the vast majority of the product is nothing but chocolate.

There are definitely almond and pretzel bits in every hunk, but the average bite only contains a teensy crumb of either almond or pretzel. It's rare if you get a detectable piece of nut and pretzel in the same bite.

That's my biggest complaint. I like the almond and pretzel presence here. I wish there were a bit more of it.

There's plenty of sea salt, though, in Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Bark. Just a slab or two will make you plenty thirsty. If anything, I think the salt could be toned down some.

I expected Sonia to enjoy this product a lot more than me since she's way more into dark chocolate, but she too wished there were more of the mix-ins throughout the bark and a lot less salt. She gives it three out of five stars.

I give Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Bark three out of five stars, as well. Dark chocolate lovers might like this product more than I did by virtue of the dark chocolate content, but this product could use a little more pizzazz if you ask us. We'll finish the bag easily enough, but it's probably not a repeat purchase. $3.99 for 10 oz of kosher dark chocolate in a resealable bag.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Triple Ginger Pretzels

Truth be told, I'm seldom in the mood for gingery snacks. Gingerbread? Yeah, I'm down with seasonal gingerbread treats, for sure. A touch of ginger in my ice cream? Darn skippy. Ginger beer? Heck yes.

But there's always a risk of ginger overload. We've seen it before in a Trader Joe's cereal as well as a few other places. Raw ginger is quite potent and has the potential to overpower any other flavors in a given product.

So why try Trader Joe's Triple Ginger Pretzels at all you ask? Because maybe ginger goes with pretzels better than I think it will. Maybe the ginger content is super flavorful but somehow not overpowering. Despite my expectations, this could be the most delicious snack I've ever tried. It's all about the adventure.

The pretzels are those same "teeny tiny" ones we've seen a few times from Trader Joe's in recent memory. Again, we've got a resealable bag for convenience, freshness, and that satisfying sensation you get when you feel those two plastic strips lovingly embrace one another.

The pretzels are a nice balance of sweet, salty, and gingery. There's ginger candy, crystallized ginger, and ginger snaps up in the mix. I guess the "ginger candy" is that white confectionery coating that covers the pretzels. It's like ginger-flavored white chocolate. I like it. The ginger snaps add crunch on top of the already crunchy pretzels, and the crystallized ginger gives just a hint of that throat-warming, tingly sensation that raw ginger can sometimes produce. The taste is fairly ginger forward, but the pretzel essence and sweet elements are never totally eclipsed.

All in all, this is a satisfying snack that will surely curb most ginger cravings without going crazy over-the-top into ginger overload territory. This combo works a lot better than I thought it would. Would I buy again? Quite possibly.

About three bucks for 7 oz of miniature pretzels. This will get the same score as the last product we looked at, but this time I'll be a bit more positive than the beautiful wifey. Three and a half out of five stars from Sonia for Trader Joe's Triple Ginger Pretzels. I'll throw out four stars.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10 stars.

Rabitos Royale Ruby Cacao Figs

I just couldn't help myself. I know they're not Trader Joe's brand, but chocolate truffle figs sounded so interesting. The buzz about Rabitos Royale Ruby Cacao Figs around the web is pretty positive, as well. Just look at that fancy box. How could something so extravagant disappoint?

Provided you love the taste of figs and have five bucks to blow on four small pieces of candy, they most likely won't. They're super sweet, because it's not dark chocolate here. It's ruby cacao and milk chocolate. Figs are sweet to begin with and chocolate doesn't exactly temper that sweetness at all. There are essences of vanilla and brandy in the mix as well. All in all, chocolate, fig, vanilla, and brandy is a pretty tasty flavor combo. It might be a little too sweet for some folks, but lucky for me, I've got a sweet tooth.

Each fig is individually wrapped, which helps keep the unused specimens fresh. Although it's very much within the realm of possibility to eat the entire box in one sitting, particularly if you've got someone to share with. Again, lucky me.

Rabitos Royale Ruby Cacao Figs can be a little messy. The pink shell wants to break apart and fall on your lap as you bite into it. There's not a lot of juiciness, since the figs are dried, but there's enough of a crumble-factor that you might not want to eat these while you're driving or operating heavy machinery or wearing a light-colored Easter dress or something.

One of our candied figs had a very odd tough section. It wasn't like a fig seed. It was almost as if a small section of the fig skin was leathery and somewhat hard. It was a bit gross. I thought about spitting out that bite, but then I thought about the fact that each fig costs more than a dollar and decided to just chew through it. I made it without yacking or anything like that, but still you'd hope that for what you're paying, you'd get nothing but top notch quality fruit within the candy. Oh well. It was only one piece.

Trader Joe's is the only store where I've seen these, but I didn't see anything about them being a Trader Joe's exclusive or anything like that. Looks like you can order them online from a few places. Don't think I'd buy these regularly, but for a once in a great while treat, they're fine. Three and a half stars from me. The beautiful wifey gives Rabitos Royale Ruby Cacao Figs four out of five stars, remarking "This is the kind of stuff rich people eat!"

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Slightly Coated Dark Chocolate Almonds

Seems like there must have been somebody out there grumbling and whining on the interzones about there being too thick a layer of dark chocolate on Trader Joe's Dark Chocolate Almonds or something to that effect. I'm not sure why else Trader Joe's would offer this very specific product. Although I've protested and complained about various Trader Joe's discontinuations, lack of locations, and parking lot situations time and time again and they pretty well ignore me consistently.

"Pay no mind to that arrogant blogger boy and the eight US states that don't have a single Trader Joe's location...but let's be sure to give Karen her dark chocolate almonds that are somewhere in between totally coated and not coated at all." 

Never mind this is at least the fifth type of chocolate covered almond we've reviewed on this blog. I won't even link to the others directly. If you're curious you can type "chocolate almond" into the Search This Blog bar.

Anyhoo, we've got a resealable bag here, which I appreciate since I won't be eating the entire thing in one sitting. It's a 10 oz package for five bucks, which is honestly kinda cheap for nuts in 2023. And it's pretty much what you'd expect after reading the description on the bag: almonds with a bit of dark chocolate and faint saltiness.

I'd prefer more chocolate to be honest. Or milk chocolate. Or cookie butter. But hey, they're only going for "just a little sweet" here. Mission accomplished, I guess. I hope all those folks looking for not-plain-almonds but also not-super-duper-chocolate-coated-almonds are happy. Me? Meh. They're not bad, but I'm generally only in the mood for regular almonds or almonds coated with a normal amount of chocolate. Three stars from this guy for Trader Joe's Slightly Coated Dark Chocolate Almonds. Four from the beautiful wifey.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Maple Pancake Snaps

Wait. Didn't we just look at these things like two weeks ago? It's like deja vu all over again. Ah, no. Those were Maple Pancake Puffs. These are Maple Pancake Snaps.

Same basic flavor in a different format. At first glance, the nutrition information looks comparable to the puffs, but if you look a little longer, you'll notice these cookies have more saturated fat, cholesterol, sodium, and added sugars. So I'd say they're definitely a tad more indulgent in case you're watching your figure or concerned about your health or something silly like that.

But are they worth it? Well...that's just going to come down to individual preference. I think I liked the puffs better, honestly. Conversely, I don't dislike these cookies. They have the same mapley, buttery flavor as their predecessor. There's also a touch of cinnamon this time around, which is nice.

The cookies are slightly oily to the touch, but they're mostly just crunchy and crumbly, not unlike a typical ginger snap, texture-wise. They don't come neatly in rows, wrapped in cellophane as some other Trader Joe's cookies do, but rather these come all jumbled up in a big, non-resealable plastic sack as shown in the picture above.

$3.99 for about 54 bite-sized cookies. These treats are unique and tasty enough that they'll find their fans and devotees. I just don't think that's us. The box says a serving size is about six cookies. Each time I've reached for them, I've tired of the taste and texture after only two or three—in stark contrast to the puffs version.

While not hating on them, Sonia is equally unimpressed with Trader Joe's Maple Pancake Snaps as she was with the puffs. Three out of five stars from her. I'll have to downgrade my score by a star or so, since I think the original snack was better, more unique, and more impressive overall. Three and a half out of five stars from me.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's All Butter Shortbread Sandwich Cookies

All butter? ALL butter? It seems to me there's some wheat flour, sugared eggs, and skim milk powder in there, too, Trader Joe. I'm not sure how you can claim it's all butter.

But hey, I'm not complaining. I'm just being silly, as I am wont to do. Long story short, Trader Joe's All Butter Shortbread Sandwich Cookies are some tasty morsels. Weirdly, I liked the raspberry filling at least as much as the shortbread element.

The shortbread is significantly buttery, which is good. But I wouldn't say it's like the best shortbread I've ever had or anything like that. I just really, really like the way it blends with the sweet, smooth, syrupy raspberry filling. I could eat that raz jam all by itself. You can see from the pic there's only a narrow gap of razzle dazzle in between the slabs of shortbread.

After consuming three cookies each in rapid succession, Sonia and I fought each other for the remaining specimens. Unfortunately, there are only ten total in the pack. So 60% of the box was gone within seconds of opening it. We managed to call a truce and wait until the next morning, when we were able to put our ravenous shortbread gluttony in check and evenly split the remainder of the box: two more cookies each.

I wish there were more raspberry filling in each cookie. I wish there were way more cookies in the pack. I wish the product were a wee bit cheaper than three bucks. Still, we'll bestow upon Trader Joe's All Butter Shortbread Sandwich Cookies with a Raspberry Filling an above average score with four out of five stars from yours truly and four and a half out of five from the beautiful wifey. Would buy again.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Maple Pancake Flavored Puffs

Usually Trader Joe's rolls out maple stuff in the fall, but I believe these little beauties debuted last month. Right now is actual maple harvest season—February into April, so let's take a look, shall we?

I was highly skeptical of these puffs before trying them. I mean, I love corn and rice-based snacks. They're so light and crispy and snackable. I'm thinking: Bambas, The World's Puffiest Sour Cream & Onion Puffs, and classic snacks like Pirate's Booty. They've generally been savory flavors like white cheddar cheese, rather than sweet, although a couple versions of the Bambas featured peanut butter and cocoa. How would they work with maple flavoring?

At first bite, both Sonia and I were a little weirded out, honestly. The texture was no surprise. Trader Joe's Maple Pancake Flavored Puffs are identical to all the above-mentioned puffs in terms of their crispy, crunchy mouthfeel. On the other hand, the taste was a brand new experience.

There's an amber dusting on each puff. It looks a bit like cinnamon, but it tastes distinctly mapley. It's also oddly buttery, too. Just like a real pancake. The flavor grew on me quickly.

Not the beautiful wifey, however. She was still saying they tasted weird after a couple handfuls and told me I could finish the bag. I happily did. It took me more than one sitting, but I finished the whole thing in less than 24 hours. I thought they were addicting.

$2.49 for the 4 oz bag. Vegan. Gluten free. I'd buy again. Sonia wouldn't. She says she didn't think they were gross per se, but rather they're just not her thing. She'd prefer a cheese or sour cream and onion flavored puff.

I think these could easily become churro flavored puffs if they substituted cinnamon for the maple and molasses flavors. I'd try that version, too. Three out of five stars from Sonia on Trader Joe's Maple Pancake Flavored Puffs. Four and a half from this guy.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Freeze Dried Blueberries and Trader Joe's Freeze Dried Strawberries

Well, friends, let's take a break from all of these seasonally-appropriate Valentine's treats and newfangled TJ's products for a moment as I throw out a looksee at what some might consider not-so-exciting pantry staple type fare once again: Trader Joe's Freeze Dried Strawberries and Trader Joe's Freeze Dried Blueberries.

Exciting or not, these two products have been available for quite a while and have stood the test of time at TJ's stores, unlike many of their more gimmicky products. They certainly aren't a bad thing to have on hand around the house. They are shelf-stable, vacuum-sealed, and of course, freeze-dried. Most preppers will tell you a product like this will still be perfectly edible and safe to consume years​ beyond the listed "best by" date, provided they are stored in a cool, dry place.

They are "unsulfured," which is nice, because I'm not a huge fan of the taste of sulfur. They're also "unsweetened," which is fine, because, well you know... they're berries. And berries are already sweet. They're light, brittle, and crunchy, which is fun. I can eat 'em straight out of the bag and finish it in one or two sittings.

Sonia likes to put Trader Joe's Freeze Dried Blueberries and Trader Joe's Freeze Dried Strawberries on her morning oatmeal. Sometimes she'll throw them in with a plain cereal like Corn Flakes or Cheerios. They'd go well with plain yogurt or even vanilla ice cream. I've heard some people smash them into dust and use it as a topping for cupcakes and such. Haven't tried that yet but I bet it's yummy.

The blueberry variety is $3.99 while the strawberry one is only $2.99. They're the exact same weight, so I guess blueberries are just a bit pricier than strawberries these days. Trader Joe's official website says they use 12 oz of actual fruit, which dehydrates down to 1.2 oz after undergoing the freeze drying process. Interesting.

They have a few other types of freeze dried fruits including mixed berries now. We'll pick those up soon, hopefully. Sonia gives Trader Joe's Freeze Dried Strawberries and Trader Joe's Freeze Dried Blueberries four stars a piece. I do too.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Apple Chip Duo

It's a little scary if you think about it, but I asked ChatGPT to write a review of Trader Joe's Apple Chip Duo and in mere seconds, it composed a multi-paragraph blog post style review of a product featuring two types of apple chips that was grammatically-correct, intelligible, and about half as long as the average food review on this blog. 

It wasn't particularly engaging, however. I mean, that's the only saving grace here. I hope I have a bit more personality than an online artificial intelligence robot. It just goes to show that you can have perfect spelling, perfect grammar, and still not have what it takes to be a successful writer. You gotta have some heart. You gotta have opinions. You gotta have weird stories. And it doesn't hurt to say "gotta" once in a while instead of "have to."

I'd copy and paste the OpenAI-generated review here, but I'm not sure about copyrights and things like that. I guess I can quote a sentence or two just to give you a flavor of what it wrote: "The baked cinnamon apple chips are equally as tasty, with a crisp, crunchy texture and a warm, cinnamon flavor that is simply irresistible. They're a great option for people who are looking for a low-fat and low-sugar snack that is still sweet and satisfying."

The funny thing is that there are no baked cinnamon apple chips here. Apparently the details of the product were simply fabricated on the spur of the moment by the A.I. The two types of chips in the bag are, according to the ingredients, "red apples" and "green apples." I wasn't sure what the "duo" mentioned on the bag was referring to until after I purchased the product and really looked at the packaging. The red apples are indeed sweet and the green apples tart.

Texture-wise, both types of apple chips are completely dehydrated. The ChatGPT assumed the chips would be both "crunchy" and "juicy." I had to laugh out loud at that. It was half right. They are crunchy, brittle, and quite dry, like many of Trader Joe's other freeze dried offerings.

As far as being "low-fat" and "low-sugar," it's definitely right on the fat front. Zero grams of fat. There are 35g of total sugars, but all of it is natural. No sugars added.

Sonia likes these a tad more than I do. I prefer some of TJ's other dried fruits. $2.49 for 2oz of dehydrated apples. Four stars from the beautiful wifey. Three stars from me on Trader Joe's Apple Chip Duo.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Jelly Bean Hearts

More hearts! These little do-dads have been around for a couple years. Nothing spectacular, you know, just jelly beans shaped like hearts. This is the first we've tried them.

They're honestly pretty decent jelly beans. For a minute I was worried they were all cinnamon flavored, like Brach's Jelly Hearts or what have you. Nothing against cinnamon. I just tire of it easily. I think we're still working on finishing that bag of Cinna-Dragons.

But nope, these are fruit flavored. I can't tell you exactly what flavors they were going for. Well, the white ones are coconut. That's pretty obvious, but then again, there were very few of the white ones in the bag. They're good. I like coconut candy. There's coconut oil at the end of the ingredients.

Initially, the other colors tasted vaguely cherry and strawberry-esque to me even though there's no cherry or strawberry juice in Trader Joe's Jelly Bean Hearts. The other juices listed in the ingredients are pineapple, orange, and apple. If I really focus, I can kind of taste apple juice in the red ones. The pink ones? I dunno. They're just fruity. Not bad. I just can't put my finger on the flavor.

Only 99¢ for the 3.5 serving bag. No HFCS. No unnatural dyes or colors. If you're a dude who's going on a first date right around V.D. these are the type of thing to give your prospective lady friend. It's enough to let her know you're thinking about her but not so much that you seem too eager to dive in head first.

And there you have it: free, unsolicited dating advice to go along with your free, unsolicited opinion of this candy. Four stars from Sonia. Three and a half from me for Trader Joe's Jelly Bean Hearts. Happy Valentine's Day, everybody!

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Gummy X's & O's

Finally, they thought of something other than hearts to represent Valentine's Day: X's and O's. That's clever. Hugs and kisses. I like it.

Following in the footsteps of other great letter-shaped foods like Alphabet Soup, Newman's Own Alphabet Cookies, and of course, Trader Joe's Sour T's and J's, I had reasonably high expectations for these sweet gummy letters. And all things considered, they didn't disappoint.

There's a distinct Swedish Fish vibe to these Trader Joe's Gummy X's and O's. I mean these taste more like legit Swedish Fish than the Scandinavian Swimmers did. But as per TJ's usual, these candies don't contain any HFCS, and all the colors are derived from fruits and vegetables.

Texture-wise, they're just about perfect. They're soft and pliable enough to start chewing away immediately, even if the temperatures are below average. They don't get super stiff in the cold. Or if you're blessed with the gift of patience and you want to make each one last longer, they're also fun to suck on for a while like you might a piece of hard candy.

$3.49 for the 14 oz bag. Fourteen ounces is actually a LOT of gummy candy. As good as they are, I think it'll take us a while to finish the package. Thankfully, it's resealable. Four stars from Sonia, four stars from me on Trader Joe's Gummy X's & O's.

As I close here, I'll leave you with the following question: when do A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, K, L, M, N, P, Q, R, S, U, V, W, Y, and Z have their day in the sun at Trader Joe's?

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Hot Cocoa Heart Melts

I won't rant about how I feel about heart-shaped food items in this post. I did that once on this blog and I'm kinda over it now. We press the little heart button on Instagram and sometimes Farcebook. We listen to iHeart Radio. We play the game of Hearts with playing cards. We make hearts with our hands like Damar Hamlin. Seems like everybody has a cardiologist these days. One of my favorite song lyrics goes, "Destroy the mind, destroy the body, but you cannot destroy the heart." As a green comet passes close to our planet this week, we are reminded that the heart chakra is green.

But Valentine's hearts are always packaged in red and pink. For tradition's sake, that's just fine with me. Even if the product itself is brown and white, a red and pink bag is appropriate for this time of year. It's a resealable bag—or at least, it was supposed to be. The ziplock strip on ours only went across three quarters of the mouth of the bag. Fortunately, we have chip clips to keep it closed.

The most uncommon quality of Trader Joe's Hot Cocoa Heart Melts is their ability to serve as hot cocoa bombs when dropped into a mug of steamy milk or to simply serve as stand-alone chocolate candies. In the latter case, they taste like sweet milk chocolate, super salty caramel, and soft mini marshmallows. I guess they kind of taste like that in the former case, too, but combined with hot milk, the flavors seem balanced a little more and the extra-salty caramel tastes less like a mistake and more like a gourmet twist on everyday hot chocolate.

I like 'em okay. Sonia does, too. For us, these fall just below the Peppermint Hot Chocolate and Trader Joe's Abuelita—but they're head and shoulders above the Hot Cocoa Ornaments or the Double Chocolate Stirring Spoon. The fact that they're also decent as a regular chocolate caramel candy is a plus.

$3.99 for about 15 hearts. Four stars from Sonia. Three and a half stars from me for Trader Joe's Hot Cocoa Heart Melts.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Fig Cookies

By most consumer accounts that I've read, these fig cookies are inferior to their predecessors: Trader Joe's Fig Bites, which were really nothing to write home about in the first place. The fig bites were basically TJ's brand fig newtons with perhaps slightly healthier ingredients (no hydrogenated oils or HFCS) and exotic figs imported from Turkey.

This iteration called Trader Joe's Fig Cookies appeared about two years ago if memory serves correctly. The product has been repackaged and renamed. I believe there are fewer cookies in this pack, but this one is also a tad cheaper at $1.99 for about a dozen cookies. They taste roughly the same, but for some reason, these tend to stick together like they've been glued to one another with sticky fig juice. They're crumbly, soft, and vaguely fig newton-esque. I guess I'd buy these again just to avoid the bad stuff in Nabisco Fig Newtons.

The top ingredients include: unbleached enriched flour, cane sugar, figs, tapioca syrup, palm oil, and agave syrup. Calorie-wise, we're looking at 150 per two cookies. You'll get 3.5 grams of fat per serving, 1.5 of which is saturated fat. For full ingredients and nutrition information, please click here.

Three stars from me for Trader Joe's Fig Cookies. Sonia gives them three stars as well.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Peanut Butter & Jelly Frooze Balls

Just a quick hit for today. It's our first non-Trader Joe's brand product of 2023. It is widely available at Trader Joe's stores as well as a few other major retailers and grocery chains.

Frooze Balls. Not sure how I feel about that name for the product. Like I guess it could be a contraction or portmanteau of the words "fruit" and "ooze." They are made mostly of fruit, and there is a sort of ooze in the middle of them, so "Frooze Balls" it is.

They're made of date and coconut squished into a soft, moist texture, filled with peanut butter and various fruit purees and juices to make up the "jelly" part of the equation. They're fairly filling for how small they are, and they taste kind of like you'd expect: sweet, fruity, nutty. I like them okay, but I tire of them quickly after I've had one or two. They lack...pizzazz in my book, though many will disagree.

Sonia's a tad more into them than I am. She gives them four stars. We've also tried the chocolate hazelnut variety, which I like about the same as these. Sonia prefers PB&J over chocolate hazelnut. $1.99 for five balls. Vegan. Kosher. I give the Peanut Butter & Jelly Frooze Balls three and a half stars.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Dried Cantaloupe Slices

So this item is very similar to 2019's Watermelon Jerky, a very polarizing product. My guess is this one will be, as well. It's the same idea: dehydrated melon in a bag. They don't call this one "jerky," but simply "dried."

Neither Sonia nor I were huge fans of the watermelon version, and we're finding ourselves in the same boat with Trader Joe's Dried Cantaloupe Slices. While I generally enjoy more traditional dried fruits like raisins, dates, and dried apricots—and I was pleasantly surprised with products like Trader Joe's Dried Baby Bananas—I guess I just have to admit that I'm not a fan of dried melons.

Sonia swears she can taste the sulfur dioxide in the cantaloupe. I'm not sure if that's what I taste, but I'd just say it's like cantaloupe flavor but not as sweet. Texture-wise, it's like cantaloupe but stiff instead of soft, leathery instead of juicy. So, in other words, it's just like real cantaloupe, but it lacks everything that makes actual cantaloupe melon good: the sweetness, the softness, the moisture.

Some of you will find it a unique, convenient snack. I'm not saying you're wrong. I want to like it. I'll probably be able to finish the bag slowly, one or two pieces at a time. It's just not something I'd ever seek out after trying it this one time. Sonia agrees.

$2.99 for the 4 oz bag. Two and a half stars from Sonia. Three from me for Trader Joe's Dried Cantaloupe Slices.

Bottom line: 5.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Super Seedy Cheese Snack Bites

Mmmkay. This is one of those "sexy" new items I was talking about last week when I promised I'd review something more interesting than common pantry fare soon-ish. Trader Joe's Super Seedy Cheese Snack Bites are definitely new, but are they really that sexy?

Welp, I'm gonna go out on a limb and say...no. But let's look at both sides of this equation. There are some things working here. Let's try to be positive and look at that stuff first.

Parmesan cheese. The number one ingredient. I like parmesan. These are indeed parmesan-laden and cheesy and that's the "CHEESE" part of the product title. In my humble opinion the cheesiness is good and the intensity is about right.

What else is working? The texture. These things are crispy and crunchy in a very unique way. I tried to capture the texture visually with the new macro feature on my phone camera. Pretty cool, right? You can see all the rifts, ridges, nooks, crannies, and seediness up close. 

Of course, that photo is larger than life. I mean...depending upon the size of your monitor screen. Maybe if you're on mobile right now, it's just about life size. But then I don't know how big your phone is. Maybe I should just tell you how big they are. Fortunately, there's a ruler right behind me as I write this.

They are 1.25 inches by 1.375 inches on average. Nearly square. Like maybe two or three small bites a piece for me.

So let's move on to what's not working: nearly everything else. The overall taste of these is like black pepper. And I like black pepper. Is it the peppercorns? I guess. They're overwhelming. It's a pungent, acrid, bitter pepper punch in each and every bite. Actually some bites are worse than others. It builds up on the tongue and honestly I can only eat one or two crisps at a time. They're very light, too, in terms of density. If the peppercorn flavor were tempered a bit, I think I'd plow through the bag in one or two sittings easily.

TL;DR - Crunchy parmesan aspects are nice. Peppercorn element is overpowering.

$3.49 for the 2.8 oz bag. I give Trader Joe's Super Seedy Cheese Snack Bites with Puffed Quinoa & Whole Peppercorns two out of five stars. Sonia liked hers in tomato soup okay, although she agrees they're not great on their own. Three stars from her.

Bottom line: 5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert Chocolate Fudge Oat Bars

Let's kick the new year off right. It's January, and everybody's craving frozen treats, right? No? Well then, let's crank up the heat, put on a tropical island screen saver, and pretend it's the middle of July. Not every review can be seasonally appropriate.

I've honestly been surprised how well oat lends itself to fudge and chocolate flavors. In almost every case, these oats and oat milk-based products would have been a godsend if I were still on my milk-free diet as I was as a child, or for that matter, if I were vegan. I'm thinking these Chocolate Fudge Oat Bars, the recently-reviewed Very Chocolatey Oat Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert, and Trader Joe's Oat Chocolate Bars.

Conversely, in each case, these chocolatey oat desserts fall just shy of my good old dairy-based stand-by treats. Although it's not really my thing these days, I used to love a good Fudgesicle circa junior high and high school. That's basically what these are: vegan fudge popsicles.

They taste fudgey enough for me, although they might fall a hair shy of the originals in terms of rich chocolatey goodness and creaminess. Still, for being oat-based, it's hard to complain, since the differences are negligible.

Texture-wise, they're sorta creamy-ish, I guess, but also almost a tad oily I'd say. Is it the cocoa butter? Sunflower lecithin? Both? It's not really unappetizing, just unique. The mouthfeel of this product is...interesting.

$3.49 for four bars. It seems odd there are only four. Six would be ideal by my estimate. Sonia gives these oaty treats four out of five stars. I give Trader Joe's Non-Dairy Frozen Dessert Chocolate Fudge Oat Bars three out of five stars.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Fig & Olive Crisps

The box claims that figs and olives have been served together for millennia. Welp, golly. Don't I feel behind the times by a few thousand years. This is the first I've heard of it.

I guess it makes sense. You've got the sweet with the figs and the salty with the olives. Throw in some grains and seeds and you've got the beginnings of a top-shelf hors d'oeuvre right here.

We've seen Trader Joe's do this before. They combine two fascinating ingredients that seem like they'd be at odds with one another and throw them into a crunchy "crisp" format. I'm thinking summer's Strawberry & Jalapeño Crisps as well as the very autumnal Pumpkin Cranberry Crisps. The general verdict: they're good, but they need to be served with a dip, spread, or cheese.

Trader Joe's Fig & Olive Crisps are no different. Both flavor-wise and texture-wise, these crisps can only be fully redeemed with creamy cheeses. The sweet Christmassy figginess does clash with the briny olive flavor in a way when the crisps are consumed sans condiments. But there's just something about a good chevre or even low-brow cream cheese that balances out the flavors just right and tempers the über-crunchiness to a tolerable level. The box also recommends brie, cheddar, or manchego cheese, as well as sliced olives and figs.

I know there are folks out there that love these just the way they are. Sonia and I don't fall into that category 100% but we can see where those folks are coming from. Also, figs are super apropos during Yuletide, so we'll try to be fair and balanced. 

$3.99 for the box. The beautiful wifey gives Trader Joe's Fig & Olive Crisps three and a half stars. I'll throw out three.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.