Trader Joe's Glazed Maple Donuts

Well, shoot. That's a tough act to follow: a teary-eyed farewell post with 12 years worth of memories and reviews and goodbyes and whatnot. I might lose half my audience if I don't bring my A-game here these next few posts. What could possibly do this blog justice after that?

I honestly don't know. But these maple glazed donuts are gonna give it the old college try, that's for sure. And I gotta say: I'm a fan.

In terms of cakiness and density, these are not unlike the Apple Cider Donuts from a few years back. These maple dealies look a little more cruller-ish in terms of their twisty, braided appearance. They're soft, sweet, and made fresh daily—something I didn't realize before this purchase. I guess they get delivered? I don't think there's a bakery in that back room at the Trader Joe's store...but I could be wrong.

The glaze is mapley, but honestly, it might not be quiiiite mapley enough for this guy. I was thinking they'd be absolutely dripping with real, rich maple syrup from Canada or Vermont or somewhere like that. I mean, they are maplicious. Don't get me wrong. There's maple in that glaze for sure. But it's almost like they mixed the regular sugar glaze from a plain glazed donut with a maple glaze, yielding a donut that is exactly half as mapley as I'd like it to be.

Fun fact: maple syrup appears in the ingredients list under the "contains less than 2% of the following" section. Version 2.0 should contain at least 4% maple syrup. I guess I could always add my own syrup...

The friendly Trader Joe's clerk gave me the following pro-tip, and I'll pass it along to you: microwave each donut for 15 seconds before consuming. These are fine at room temperature, but they're waaay better warmed up.

Sonia digs 'em a lot, too, although she agrees the maple flavor could be a little stronger. She says they'd go well with coffee. Indeed they would, my love. Indeed they would. $4.49 for six pastries. Four stars from Sonia, four from me on Trader Joe's Glazed Maple Donuts.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Pumpkin Pie Spice

Have you ever sat down to a bowl of plain corn flakes and thought to yourself, "Man, I don't want PLAIN corn flakes. I want PUMPKIN PIE SPICE corn flakes!" I know I have. Mashed potatoes, chicken nuggets, green beans? Why not have pumpkin pie spice mashed potatoes, pumpkin pie spice chicken nuggets, or pumpkin pie spice green beans?

There's absolutely no reason you shouldn't have those things if you want them, and that's exactly why Trader Joe's introduced its delectable mixture of pumpkin pie spices all by themselves in a convenient shaker—so you can make ANYTHING taste like pumpkin pie spice.

People were complaining: "Trader Joe's, where are all of your pumpkin pie spice pork products?" "Where is the pumpkin pie spiced mango?" "Why don't you carry pumpkin pie spiced peanuts?" Though normally kind and mild-mannered, the clerks became so irritated by these requests, they asked corporate to release the pumpkin pie spice just by itself.

Now when they get asked, "Hey, where's the pumpkin pie spice tofu?" clerks hand the customer plain tofu and this pumpkin pie spice shaker and say "Make it yo DANG self."

There's no sugar in this mix, so it's not sweet. No nutrition info is listed on the shaker at all, unlike most of TJ's other seasoning blends, so I'm assuming there are no calories, no sodium, no carbs or anything like that. There are just six ingredients, most of which you might have guessed without looking. The only real surprise to me is "lemon peel." I don't generally think of that as a pumpkin pie spice, but there it is. And it works. Just a bit of tang goes a long way.

Most of this review is quite facetious, obviously, but I really do like this product. It's a good blend. I like that they didn't include sugar in the mix so you can make it exactly as sweet as you want. Good for baking and adding extra flavor to fall foods, it's also pretty decent on ice cream and other desserts. I think this one was $2.99 at Trader Joe's, but people are selling it on the online "black market" for upwards of eight bucks per shaker. I guess that means it's seasonal and only available for a limited time. Four stars from Sonia. Three and a half from me.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Apple & Pumpkin Hand Pies

 Next few months, we're gonna be roughing it here at the Western PA chapter of the WGATJ's team, as we're just starting a kitchen remodel, so that means...we don't have a kitchen! Aack!

So while it would've been lovely to warm up some Trader Joe's Apple & Pumpkin Hand Pies, that just wasn't gonna happen.

Already sold our former stove to make way for the new one that'll be complete with built in air fryer and air sous vide, however that works. Bigger air fryer capacity will be great, as ours is barely big enough to hold even one of these new autumnally appropriate treat. 

So my lovely bride and I...we ate our cold, right outta the package. 

That's alright as it turned out reasonably good. There's lots of nice chunky apple bites along with some pumpkinny bits in a somewhat dry array, with plenty of brown sugar and cinnamon mixed in. It's not quite either apple or pumpkin pie, but a good mix of both, in ways I didn't completely anticipate. The crust is nice and sturdy and kinda rustic, if that's a word that can describe pastry. It's definitely got a good amount of butter in it. There's plenty here to like...

...but man, if we only had warmed them!

Totally delish though, and got me in the mood. Wash down with some apple cider or even a pumpkin beer, if thats your thing. These are nutriitonally decadent enough to only be an every once in a while treat, but get 'em while you can!

Double fours. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Apple & Pumpkin Hand Pies: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Organic Maple Vinaigrette Dressing

Truth be told, I wasn't super excited to pour this stuff on a salad and consume it. Intrigued? Yes. Eager? No. If not for the prospect of reviewing it, I might not have purchased it at all.

I mean, I love maple syrup and generally enjoy maple-flavored things. I also love vinaigrette salad dressings. But together? That's an odd combo if you ask me...but not so odd that I'd avoid it altogether.

With a new, iffy salad dressing, you don't want to dump a bunch of it on your greens and beans and potentially ruin the whole bowl if you're not into the dressing. You have to do that thing like when you're trying a new cleaning product on your carpet where you have to "test in an inconspicuous area" in case it's a disaster. So I just poured a teeny little bit on one corner of my salad to assess the product.

And I'm glad I did it that way. I might have wasted a bunch of salad otherwise, because this stuff is gross. Like, it's the worst salad dressing I've ever had. You'd be better off putting household cleaning vinegar and raw tree sap on a salad.

Not only did the maple and vinaigrette elements commingle and clash in exactly the way I was hoping they wouldn't, there was also this unexpected smoky element that made the whole thing nearly gag-worthy. Maybe the dijon mustard? Canola oil? It poured like a medium-thick brown ooze, similar in appearance to a peanut satay sauce but perhaps a tad thinner. Not particularly appetizing.

I'd try it as a marinade for salmon or a drizzle for ravioli as suggested on traderjoes.com but I can't imagine it working better than something more traditional. I'm taking this one straight to Trader Joe's and getting my $3.49 back. Thumbs down from me.

Sonia tolerated it a lot better than I did, but even she admitted it had "a very weird flavor." She's not going to fight me on the return because she knows I won't help her finish the bottle. Two and a half stars from her.

I'll throw out one since I like it when Trader Joe's gets adventurous, and it is certified organic after all.

Bottom line: 3.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's 4 Cheese Pastry Rolls

 

You know...when you read the title "Trader Joe's 4 Cheese Pastry Rolls"....you kinda expect those pastry rolls to have four cheeses, right? That's gotta be the logical interpretation, correct? I mean, why would anyone advertise the quantity of cheese pastry rolls as a leadoff? The number of cheeses, sure thing...but the number of rolls? No way. 

Except...well...

That's not what we got here with Trader Joe's 4 Cheese Pastry Rolls.

There's four of them. They have cheese. It's pastry, and yeah, in enough of a roll form. So it's accurate, but not in the way one might expect. Sigh. 

Basically, instead of delightfully balanced cheese combo, oozing with savory goodness, there's just this sweet cream cheese globbed in. Imagine a cheese danish, without icing, in a croissant roll form, and that's pretty precisely what these rolls are. it's not bad...kinda tasty....but not what I was hoping for when initial purchase made. 

Oh well. 

As a big plus, though, there's no proofing involved here. Bake right from frozen and in less than half an hour, voila. I like the lack of planning and foresight involved. Always a plus. Granted, the offset is a pastry that isnt quite as light and flaky as it could be, but it's decent enough to not warrant any complaints. 

Have no idea what these cost, but likely wasn't much. These were kinda buried in the freezer, which we're trying to rotate stuff out of, so there's that. Decent and tasty enough, even if slightly misleading on initial glance. Eh well. Meh. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's 4 Cheese Pastry Rolls: 6 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Cinnamon Roll Drizzled Granola

Granola, deservedly or otherwise, has a reputation of being a somewhat healthy, tasty, hippie-ish kinda thing to eat. Cinnamon rolls, very deservedly, have a reputation of being one of the utmost of decadence, a timeless, classic culinary masterpiece when warm and gooey with all sorts of butter and sugar and other not so healthy things. 

Mash 'em together in Trader Joe's Cinnamon Roll Drizzled Granola and whatcha got?

It's pretty tasty, that's what it is....but it's neither really a cinnamon roll or granola. I call this kinda thing the Rhode Island phenomenon. Discuss!

Part of the whole appeal of a classic cinnamon roll is the soft, warm, inviting bite into it, right? That warm gooiness that just invites your incisors to do their thang....yum. That's just not here, of course. instead, it's these large chunks of rolled oats that are room temperature and chewy and at times quite a mouthful. In my experience so far, there's been a few stray harder bits of grit that weren't anticipated, which thankfully didn't mess up my dental work. Granted, there's lot of the taste of a cinnamon roll, as it's replicated well here - plenty of cinnamon and brown sugar, and that cool icing drizzled atop - but, unshockingly, it's not exactly the real deal. 

And it's not quite granola either. My lovely bride had some and stated she'd never pour some into a bowl and splash some milk atop. I'd agree, this doesn't have that vibe. It's just too large and chunky and yeah i guess you could break it up....and the package itself recommends eating it cereal style...but I just can't see it. Same deal with busting some up to put on yogurt or whatever. Nah, all this is more close to just straight up snack out out of the bag.

In all, I like this the TJ's cinna roll granola but consider it to be almost more like a candy than anything else...except baked oat candy probably doesn't exist...yet. It's just so much sugar, especially that drizzle everywhere splattered on everything and holding it all together. Less of that could be more here. The granola's get enough going for it for me to give it a pass over all and it's a probable repurchase for the $5 or so it cost. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Cinnamon Roll Drizzled Granola: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons 

Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spice Espresso Beans

If you wanted to play a really mean trick on your whole neighborhood at Halloween, you could buy a bunch of bags of these at Trader Joe's (only 99¢ each) and pass them out to all the kids for Trick or Treat. They're candy-esque enough that a lot of the children would gobble them down before they even realized what they were eating. They'd be bouncing off the walls well into the wee hours of All Saints' Day. It would be hilarious.

But seriously though, don't do that. And if you do happen to do that, definitely don't mention that you got the idea here. I'll take down this post and deny everything.

Honestly, though, I'm projecting. Sonia puts these out in our little pumpkin-shaped candy dish and most nights, I'm the undiscerning victim. I'll get the munchies after dinner and I'll gobble down a handful. Fast forward to 11pm or midnight and I'm lying in bed, staring at the ceiling all bug-eyed and wiggling around like the poster child in a restless leg syndrome PSA, with Sonia swatting at me trying to stop me from moving. So that's Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spice Espresso Beans' biggest strength as well as their biggest weakness: they're addicting and they're caffeinated.

Flavor-wise, there's a nice balance of rich, earthy espresso beans and sweet white chocolate dusted with ginger, cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice. It works at least as well as regular chocolate if you ask Sonia or me. We bought multiple bags and we're glad we did.

If you're burning the midnight oil for work or need a sweet, caffeinated mid-day pick-me-up, or even looking for an alternative to coffee or energy drinks in the morning, these are a thumbs up from both of us. It says there's two servings per package, but just three or four beans is usually enough to take me to my happy place. Will buy again. Four and a half stars from Sonia. Four from yours truly.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spiced Joe-Joe's Pumpkin Sandwich Cookies

Let's see...oil changes, parent-teacher conferences, paying taxes, mowing the lawn, doing the dishes, visiting the in-laws...and trying pumpkin spiced stuff.

What's all that have in common?

That's all stuff that can be done out of obligation, and not for enjoyment. Maybe not all are applicable to everybody, but to me, it'd take a real weirdo to truly enjoy more than one or two items on that list. 

But sometimes, you know...it goes right. Maybe you don't get the upsell for a junky filter or windshield wipers, or Lil' Susie Q has make some great strides, or you owe way less, or you don't run over a kid's toy, or you leave a bunch of snap peas hidden for your sister to find and get mad about to tattle to your mom only for your mom to make her finish the rest of the dishes (personal story of mine from growing up, one of my favorites), or you have a really good convo....or you try Trader Joe's Joe-Joe's Pumpkin Sandwich Cookies. 

Coming from a true pumpkin spice agnostic - the Great Pumpkin *could* exist, but can't prove it - these cookies are legitimately sincerely good. It really was a surprise. I so thought one cookie and done, but no, not the case. I kinda wanted to devour the whole sleeve. 

The key here really is the sandwich creme. It's soft and fluffy and, well, creamy, and delicious. It's so rich and inviting, with just the right amount of cinnamon and nutmeg and whatever else goes into the pumpkin spice mix. It's exceptionally well done, and a far cry from the stiff, stale glop that was expected. It's a revelation. If this cream got sold in a plastic tub, I'd hammer it down by the ladleful, so probably good thing they don't.

The cookies are nice and crisp, and even the thin candy shell adds just the right amount of flavor and texture. Thicker shells can get to be too much, so I appreciate the "less is more" approach taken here as far as thickness - it's more a thin plating than an actual coating. The sea salt on my cookies wasn't overly noticeable, which to me is the right amount - it seems just enough to amp up the flavor but not overtake and be too salty and spoil the experience. 

Both the cookies and the coating are also pumpkin spiced, with some pureed pumpkin in there somewhere...so each cookie is a three pronged pumpkin spice attack. Lots of PS to go around, plenty really. And, surprising myself to write this, but the cookies are wonderfully, truly delicious. 

Really glad I picked this as my contractually obligated "one new TJ's pumpkin spice product to review" for this year. Really lucked out. Next time I'm stuck at Jiffy Lube on the way to my kid's school with my W2's, gas for the mower while chatting with my mother-in-law, I'll make sure to have a clean plate for a handful of these. That'd really make everything go better. I loved 'em as did the kiddos, and yes, my lovely bride, we saved you some, somehow. Delish. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spiced Joe-Joe's Pumpkin Sandwich Cookies: 9 out of 10 Golden Spoons. 

Trader Joe's Caramel Apple Mochi

I'm guessing during times of great economic strain there's not a lot of demand for food criticism—you know, like during the Great Depression and such. Any "problems" I have with the foods I'm reviewing here or anywhere else will suddenly seem completely irrelevant and inconsequential if we return to a time of stock losses, bear markets, high unemployment, and nutritional scarcity. I'm thinking food critics won't be counted as essential in any way, shape, or form and most food review blogs will fade away and eventually vanish altogether.

Some might say we're headed that way right now. But as long as we suburbanite middle-class Americans can keep our normalcy bias goggles on super tight, we'll keep overanalyzing pre-packaged "organic junk food" or, in this case, an odd fusion of a classic all-American flavor in a Japanese-American mochi ice cream format.

An initial observation: this is the first mochi I've personally seen from Trader Joe's that comes individually packaged. Each mochi ball comes in its own little cellophane wrapper. Previous mochi iterations have all come in an egg-carton sort of plastic tray with six indentations, one for each piece, all wrapped in one big cellophane bag. There are obvious advantages to having each one individually wrapped, but there might also be some disadvantages, too. I won't dwell on that issue too much.

The light brown rice-based shell is pretty much par for the course. It's soft, stretchy and dusted with a starchy powder. There's not much flavor in the outer shell. It just holds the ice cream where it belongs.

And the ice cream here is decent. Visually, it's not much different from plain vanilla, but it flaunts a good balance of both apple flavor and caramel flavor. It's nice and creamy, sweet, smooth. But Sonia and I both detected something...just slightly off-putting about the caramel aspect of it in particular. We both felt like it tasted artificial somehow. We were both wishing they'd put a glob of pure caramel in the middle of apple flavored ice cream, similar to the saucy mocha center we saw in the coffee mochi some six years ago.

But there is real apple in the ice cream, and you can taste it. I almost wish they'd simply done apple mochi or maybe apple cinnamon rather than caramel. But again, all these complaints are silly in the end. This is a fine product, all things considered, and I'm blessed to have been able to try it.

It's been a long time since I first had mochi, but there's still something novel about eating ice cream with your hands. I'll definitely buy Trader Joe's mochi again in the future, but not sure if this flavor would be my first choice. Apparently, this product is already done for the season. Sheesh, can't you keep a product around for two weeks, Trader Joe's? I'm sure it'll be back next year for those of you who want to try it...

$4.79 for six pieces of mochi. Four stars from Sonia. Three and a half from me.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Salted Maple Ice Cream

Here's the annual reminder that maple shouldn't really be considered a fall flavor. I mean, sure, I get it, maple and maple leaves falling and all that, but maple season is really late winter to early spring when the that magical maple season really is. That's when the sap freely flows and boils down to the delicious syrupy sweet gift from God that is maple. 

Not really gonna complain. Y'all take all the pumpkin spice anything you want, gimme maple any time, any day. 

And now...there's Trader Joe's Salted Maple Ice Cream. 

Oh man. Not gonna lie: it's pretty awesomely terrific. Love a good maple ice cream, like the creamees you can get up in Vermont. Like those, this TJ's offering is soft and creamy, which only adds to the overall richness. The base itself is is very amply maply, with a small touch of sea salt to even kick it a little further up. In our pint, which did not photograph well, there was also a small vein of concentrated maple/salt concoction that chugged it into another gear. 

Every bite is soft, smooth, decadent, sweet, maply and delicious. Almost no complaints at all. 

Except...well...there's an error of omission here. There's just something needed, for a little texture perhaps, something to kinda ground the overall richness. A little something earthy, perhaps. Pecans would be a great choice, but I'd accept small walnut bits, too. It's just that little extra something that's needed to really bring it home. 

Regardless, my lovely bride and I had no issue polishing off a pint in about five minutes, and we'd definitely pick it up again. For $3.49 a carton, it's not a bad price either. Check out the ingredients and nutritional info here. Fantastic, and oh so close to perfect, any time of the year.

Bottom line; Trader Joe's Salted Maple Ice Cream: 9 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Organic Tahini

Some dudes brew their own beer. Others have mastered the art of baking sourdough bread or dehydrating jerky at home. I myself have done none of those things.

But I just made my own hummus. <pats self on back> I'm probably a little prouder than I should be about that fact, since you could probably train a monkey to do it. It's surprisingly easy.

Goodness knows we have enough cans of chickpeas stocked up in the pantry. And if we can keep a few jars of tahini on hand, we'll never be without hummus. Now if only I knew how to bake pita bread...

Tahini is quite tasty in and of itself. It's pretty much just sesame seed butter, similar to peanut butter or almond butter but significantly runnier and maybe a hint more oily. It's super earthy and bitter by itself, but it's such a delicious bitterness—like a rich nutty blast of seedy goodness. Mixed with other yummy things, it's even better. Here, I'll share my recipe with you, which is really just an amalgam of the first half dozen hummus recipes I found online, modified based on which ingredients we actually had on hand around the house:

-1 part mashed garbanzo beans
-1 part Trader Joe's Organic Tahini
-1/8 part olive oil
-as much raw garlic as you can stand (that stuff is good for you) chopped as finely as you can chop it
-lemon juice to taste
-cayenne pepper to taste
-pink Himalayan salt to taste

I mashed the chickpeas with a fork and then just mixed everything together in the same manner, although you could do either or both in a blender if you wanted a very smooth hummus. I wanted it chunky style, and that's what I got.

The wifey and I consumed it with pita chips, and we both agreed it was a success. My version was not only chunkier than any store-bought hummus I've ever sampled, but it was also a little drier and a lot more garlicky. For my next trick, I'm going to make salad dressing with tahini, orange juice, and dijon mustard...wish me luck.

$3.69 for the 10.6 oz jar. Product of Greece. Organic. Kosher. Would buy again. Four stars from Sonia. Four and a half from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Banana Pudding Flavored Ice Cream

Ever meet an ice cream you didn't like?

Us neither. 

That being said...some ice cream is much better than others. 

That's pretty much how my lovely bride and I feel about Trader Joe's Banana Pudding Flavored Ice Cream here in the 'burgh. Sandy and I consider ourselves ice cream aficionados and quasi-experts, and there's no doubt we've eaten our fair share, if not much more than that. So please pardon us if we can get a bit picky. 

There's just not quite enough to truly, 100% enjoy this newish pint of ice cream inspired by a classic treat. Banana pudding is decently enjoyable all by itself, but add in things like a salted caramel swirl and wafer cookie dough, it sounds like an almost surefire winner. But it doesn't translate somehow. Maybe it's the extra creaminess, with it being, you know, ice cream, and thus a little extra rich and sweet as far as the banana pudding. That'd be my guess. 

But also the mix-ins don't seem to add quite enough, either. The salted caramel is a bit too bland and basic to add much conrtast, and the wafer is more mushy and nondescript to be of much value, either. Both of those components are just there and that's about all that can be said. So what's left is just this cloying, overly sweet and rich banana taste, without anything to really balance it all out. 

But, well, it's ice cream, so....

Not completely unhappy here, but this won't be a repeat buy. Which is sad, because it sounds so good. Some caramel that slapped a bit more, or maybe some ginger wafer, or something, something to make not so bloatedly banana-y, would really go a long way. But as is, meh.

But at least it's ice cream.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Banana Pudding Flavored Ice Cream: 5 out of 10 Golden Spoons. 

Trader Joe's Organic Coconut Aminos Seasoning Sauce

Many years ago, while living in coastal North Carolina, I had a neighbor/friend who happened to be vegan. After repeatedly offering to cook me a vegan meal, I finally took her up on the proposal. She served me a dish featuring veggies and rice with a few bits of seitan sprinkled with amino acids. She explained that the amino acids made up for any general lack of protein in her diet since the human body synthesizes proteins from aminos. Flavor-wise, it functioned the way soy sauce does, adding a salty, savory, umami essence to the food. I liked it.

But I never bought my own bottle of amino acids until now, nearly twenty years later. It's got a big coconut on the label, as if to indicate it will taste like coconut. I mean, I doubt it will, but we're about to find out. Ingredients-wise, we're looking at "coconut sap" in case you couldn't read it from the picture. Sap? I've had coconut milk, coconut water, and coconut cream, but never coconut sap. Wouldn't that come from the tree itself rather than the fruit? I'm getting off track here...

Sonia and I heated up some instant rice in the microwave, some kidney beans on the skillet, and added a few splashes of Trader Joe's Organic Coconut Aminos Seasoning Sauce. First impression: wow, it's sweet! There's just a hint of saltiness and savoriness.

No, it doesn't taste like coconut by my estimation, but it's syrupy sweet. Sonia thinks it's like a watered-down tamarind sauce in both flavor and texture. I definitely don't disagree, but there's much less in the way of tangy, fruity flavor here. It's more like a sweetened soy sauce or like a very thin slightly salty maple syrup almost.

It's not exactly what we expected, but it's still a nice flavorful addition to rice and beans. I'm sure there's a million other things people are doing with this. If we get adventurous, we'll report back with our discoveries.

$2.99 for the 8.5 oz bottle. Product of Sri Lanka. Gluten-free. Kosher. Organic. It's not labeled as "vegan," but I don't know why it wouldn't be. Not sure if we'd purchase again, but not sorry we tried it. Three and a half stars a piece.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Chili Pineapple Kettle Popcorn

Another week, another shopping trip, another time TJ's is upping the summer snack game. Salsa verde chips? So delicious...but so last week. 

This week: Trader Joe's Chili Pineapple Kettle Popcorn. I mean...wow. 

Spice and pineapple aren't new bed partners by any stretch. Just at TJ's they've had spiced dry pineapple and pineapple BBQ sauce around for a while, though maybe the sauce has been DC'ed? Anyways, this isn't exactly a new innovation, except that now, it's in popcorn form. 

There's a lot going on here, and it's hard to wrap the tastebuds around it all. First off, make no mistake: this is some seriously sugary stuff. Glancing at the label and doing some easy math, this popcorn is literally half straight up added sugar...and that tastes like an understatement. I swear I could almost see Wilfred Brimley packing up a box for me, it's so sugary. There's no getting around that. But then all the other flavors begin coming up - some heat from paprika, a hefty dose of tangy lime, a little faint pineapple, another hefty swoon of sugar and little salt to boot too. I've read some other reviews that liken the overall flavor to being a spicy Froot Loop - I don't entirely agree but I can see where that assessment is coming from. There's certainly enough sugar for that claim, but not quite enough overall froot, er, fruit, and the spice, while present, isn't exactly overpowering. It's sugar and lime more than anything else.

Every bite is perfectly munchable though. The popcorn is liberally coated with the dusting of all those flavors, and is slightly crunchy with all that sugar. Underneath, the poofed-up kernels are soft and pillowy and inviting. It's a fun texture, which more than anything else kinda makes me want to eat the whole bag...well, that, and still trying to figure out all the flavors...

That's the thing, though. There's not really enough pineapple to really tout its presence as a titular ingredient, not when there's so much lime and sugar and everything else when pineapple is fifth highest, at most, on the flavor profile. At the same time, I'm glad not even more sugar was added to try to amp up the pineapple, but I just wish it had more pineapple to it, even if everything else had to be taken down a slight notch. 

Regardless, this will be a summer snackin' fave, I'm sure of it. Unless something else comes along...off to a strong start here this summer, TJ's, keep it coming. Double fours. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Chili Pineapple Kettle Popcorn: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons. 

Trader Joe's Cashew Butter Cashews

Let's do a quick little break down here, to see where exactly all of this begins to go completely wrong. 

First, the name. Trader Joe's Cashew Butter Cashews. Trader Joe's, cashew butter, and cashews. Man, we're quick off the line here - that sounds delicious!

Let's move to the description: "Honey roasted cashews." Oh yes please! But then..."covered in a sweetened (ruhroh) cashew butter coating (more ruhroh)."

Obviously the ruhrohs were added for dramatic effect. Would be bad marketing otherwise. 

Let's look at the ingredients then, to maybe deduce more of what's goin' on. First off, there's that "cashew butter coating" again. Not just cashew butter, it's cashew butter coating. Which means taking perfectly good cashew butter and adding dry milk, a load of sugar (6g in a 30g serving - they're 20% sugar!), a bunch of palm oil...and all that before even a mention of cashews. 

And to go really wrong...just take a bite. 

Imagine Reese's making a candy coated cashew snack, it gets hugely popular, then there's a dollar store knockoff coming around. I'd imagine these nuts would taste almost exactly like that. They're annoyingly sweet, in a fake amped kinda way, which detracts so hard from anything resembling the natural earthy goodness of a good cashew. I don't taste honey or cashew, I taste plain ol' sugar and cream with a vague hint of nut. There's barely even the crunch or bite of a good roasted cashew. It's just sugar blobs. 

Part of me will admit that the cashew butter cashews are kinda good in a somewhat trashy/junkfood way...but that's not what I wanted here. I wanted good in a wholesome way. And maybe that's the biggest thing wrong here: being too attached to my own expectations. Kinda funny how often that's the case. 

For what it's worth, my lovely bride and I balance each other out here. She loves 'em, for that junk food-y candyish vibe. She picks up a bit more of the saltiness and nuttiness than I do, too. Me? Man, there's just some better ways to make a healthier snack here. Honey roasted cashew, a drier style cashew butter and maybe some ground cashews to dust off the outer layer? Come on, that sounds delicious! 

Anyways, she'll four them up. That's way too high in my book, and I'll go lower than intended to help balance out. Can't go wrong that way. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Cashew Butter Cashews: 5 out of 10 Golden Spoons
 

Trader Joe's Peanuts in a Pickle

In case you forgot to pick up a bag of plain peanuts and a shaker of Seasoning in a Pickle on your last Trader Joe's run, no worries. TJ's has your back. They've gone and mixed pickle flavors into peanuts for you. It's almost as if they tried mixing the aforementioned pickle seasoning blend with peanuts and realized it's absurdly messy. And it's not only messy, but not enough seasoning sticks to the nuts. So they went and...I honestly don't know what they did. I think they actually pickled these nuts! <reaches down inside and finds the restraint to avoid any juvenile "deez nuts" jokes>

The back of the bag gives us hints but no real answers. It's says the peanuts are "infused" with pickle flavor. Later on in the spiel, they use the word "imbued." It mentions there's no powder in the equation. It's true. There's not. And the nuts aren't oily at all, either. They might even be less oily than regular peanuts somehow. Sonia kept remarking how dry they were. But they certainly have a pickle taste to them.

At first, we both thought the pickle flavor was a little on the weak side, but then after a few handfuls, we felt the briny pickliness build up on our tongues. I might not have minded a bit more pickle taste, but Sonia was pleased with the intensity of the flavor.

They actually look identical to regular Virginia peanuts. There's no green color, no visible flecks of dill, nothing. Just like they can edit genomes and create plants that yield more fruit or be drought-resistant or whatever, I think maybe they spliced some DNA and cross-bred peanuts with pickles to make these. <Cue comments where people tell me pickles are just pickled cucumbers and that pickles don't have their own genetic code blah blah blah yadda yadda science science science>

$2.49 for the bag. Sonia likes them more than I do and would buy them again. I'm on the fence. Four stars from her. Three from me.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Hot Dog Buns

Unable to procure the brioche, New England style, or gluten-free hot dog buns we've heard so much about, Sonia and I grabbed these regular old Trader Joe's Hot Dog Buns for our Memorial Day festivities this year. In addition to remembering those who made the ultimate sacrifice for our country and making sure the lawn is mowed and tidy, it's also obligatory to cook and consume at least one meat product outdoors on this last weekend in May, you know, if you're an American. I mean, if you're vegan or something like that, you can do veggie burgers or veggie dogs and I'm cool with that. I'm just pointing out that in our never-ending quest to pretend we're normal, Sonia and I made it a point to purchase and consume some buns and all-beef franks for this traditional kickoff-to-summer weekend—and we sampled a couple in advance for this review.

In addition to good taste and a nice, soft texture, I'm looking for at least one other thing in a hot dog bun: the ability to effectively and securely cradle a hot dog. On the taste and texture points, these buns get near top marks. On that last matter, Sonia and I both found this bread product slightly wanting.

They just aren't the ideal shape for hot dog buns. The buns splay apart and create a sort of v-shape that you can stick a hot dog into, but each side of the bun isn't particularly stable and is prone to breakage. It's like they're too square. It's very similar to eating a hot dog with two halves of a slice of regular bread—something I'm sure most of us have done, since they always put a different number of buns and dogs in single packs. You know, there's 10 hot dogs and only 8 buns. You either have to do some math and find the lowest common denominator and eat hot dogs every day for like a month, or you have a couple dogs left over—and you wind up eating them with hamburger buns, regular sliced bread, or you wind up chopping them up and eating them with mac and cheese or whatever.

But again, they tasted fine. Ours were fresh, pliable, bready, and yummy. They're about as firm as the leading brand's buns, at least in terms of mouthfeel. No complaints there. Decent value, too, at $1.99 for 8 buns. It's just they have that weird shape, and they wanted to fall apart so easily, dumping pieces of hot dog onto the ground. At least it made the dogs happy—and by "dogs" here, I mean the canines, AKA mutts, AKA Alfred and Sadie.

Three stars from the beautiful wifey. Three and a half from yours truly for Trader Joe's Hot Dog Buns.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's The Spice Market

Lucky me. Three fifths of this review is already written. Here are the relevant links:

Trader Joe's Everything but the Bagel Sesame Seasoning Blend

Trader Joe's Chile Lime Seasoning Blend

Trader Joe's Everything but the Elote Seasoning Blend

Apparently the other two spices from this multi-pack are exclusive to this product. They are Trader Joe's Cocoa Cinnamon Sugar Blend and Trader Joe's Spicy Italian Style Sprinkle. Let's take a look at both.

First up, the cocoa cinnamon sugar dealie. I like it. It makes a killer cinnamon toast with a twist. Just add butter to plain toasted bread and a generous dusting of this stuff. Cinnamon toast with a bit of a chocolate flair. Beautiful. Sprinkle on plain oatmeal for a sweet breakfast treat. The kids wanted Death By Chocolate brand cereal but you've only got the plain stuff? Trader Joe's Cocoa Cinnamon Sugar Blend to the rescue.

Next, the Italian sprinkles. The base is really just salt and pepper. Pretty safe. But it would also be pretty boring if it stopped there. The medley of garlic, paprika, rosemary, and fennel, among others, really takes this stuff to the next level. It can turn any ordinary savory dish into an authentic Italian cuisine experience. I just had some with a cheesy spinach and onion omelette, and it was decidedly tasty. The spices added more than I expected them to.

$9.99 for three very popular Trader Joe's spices and two that you can't buy outside of this pack. The spices are $1.99 each when purchased individually, so you're not really saving money, but you're not losing any either. The presentation is pretty sweet, and this product would make an outstanding gift, particularly for anyone who cooks a lot but doesn't have regular access to a Trader Joe's store. If scoring the two exclusive blends individually, they'd get 7.5 stars and 8 stars, respectively. If you average out all the scores for all five spice blends, they're a solid 8 stars at least. So...that's it for Trader Joe's The Spice Market Set of Curated Unique Blends.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Strawberry Lemonade Joe-Joe's

 

Somewhat disappointingly, no, it's not a first. 

For a hot minute I thought that the Trader Joe's Strawberry Lemonade Joe-Joe's were the first non-chocolate Joe-Joe's. There's been numerous variations over the years, but they all had chocolate, right? or so I thought before consulting the Google machine. Apparently there's been all-vanilla Joe-Joe's, but let's be honest, how would those be memorable? And a little over five years ago (which seems several lifetimes) there was a matcha variation reviewed right here on this very blog. That sounds....odd. Thanks Nathan for taking on that one.

Huh. Well, okay, let's re-spin this then....how about the first Joe-Joe that I'd be eager to try that doesn't incorporate any chocolate? Unless there's some other type out there from over the years...anyways...

Strawberries and lemonade, a classic pairing. Sweet and tangy, it's a flavor combo that screams summer. Granted, that's usually in a tall icy glass, but here it's the classic sandwich crème cookie form. And not surprisingly, it works well.

Off the bat, the most prevalent flavor by far is the strawberry creme. It's rich and sugary and sweet, just like a good creme for a cookie should be. There could be a little more actual strawberry to it IMHO, but what's there works well. The "lemonade" is all from the cookies. At first bite, it's not all that present and is more overwhelmed by the strawberry, but about midway through first bite is when it begins to really kick in and offer more balance. The end result is a tasty, tangy, sweet little offering of a delicious drink, but in familiar, comfortable cookie form. Deeeelish. 

No real complaints, except I want to eat more than just two of them, to just enjoy a little bit more of that final taste combo. My lovely bride and I plan to hide the box out of sight and reach from our little never-ending wild pack of little munchers who'd surely ravage the entire box if given the chance...that sounds cruel of us to do. We'll enjoy that, or just grab them another pack for the $2.99 next time we go. 

Summer fun in cookie form. Double fours. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Strawberry Lemonade Joe-Joe's: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons. 

Trader Joe's Everything but the Bagel Seasoned Bite Sized Crackers

Sometimes just a little rebranding is needed to get a little spark or buzz. Just ask Dunkin'. Dunkin' who? That's not a question that needs to be asked, but now I'm able to tell my kids that when I was their age, it was called Dunkin' Donuts. Now, just Dunkin'. You barely noticed that change, but I'm betting those DD suits are betting you'll now notice everything else that their "bake places" have, including crappy oversugared coffee drinks and greasy sammies. Oh well. Their profits are looking good as a result. 

More relevantly, here's Trader Joe's Everything but the Bagel Seasoned Bite Sized Crackers. Ahh, good ol' EBTB. It's a growing behemoth of a TJ's-nurtured "pet brand" so to speak - it's everywhere now - the seasoning blend, on chips, interestingly on bagels (everything but the bagel bagels? what?) and even on salmon. And now, finally, crackers. 

Oh wait. I stand corrected. According to my TJ's inside sources (AKA whoever happened to be the cashier on my last trip), these crackers have been around for YEARS and were just rebranded under the EBTB banner. This actually sounded vaguely right - I kinda remember a red box - but never tried them, never picked them up. Didn't help that there's only so many crackers one household should buy on any given trip, and all our usuals were out of stock, which highlighted this gleaming white box of snacktime promise even more prominently. 

Anyways, as far as crackers go, it's a decent cracker. Think of a slightly knock-off Wheat Thin with all the usual garlic and onion and various seeds which somehow is universally accepted as "everything" when quite frankly it excludes a lot more than it includes, and there you have it. There's plenty of flavor by themselves - I'd almost say too much - which we've been snacking on and off on. It is a bit too potent for a cracker, so a little pairing with some cheese is a good move. There's ample munch and crunch, for sure. In our household, at least, the purported adults like them more than the kiddos do - they can down a pallet of Cheddar Rockets in a day, this box has survived for nearly a week now. It's a good snack, for sure, but not addictive. At most, it's a fairly possible rebuy.

My apologies for the crappy pic. It's what happens when you have to snap one before dawn as you rush out the door. Maybe instead of rebranding myself, i just need a better set up And time. Lots more time. Sigh. 

Anyways, give 'em a try if you feel so inclined, and if like us you previously ignored their existence just to be enticed by the new packaging. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Everything but the Bagel Seasoned Bite Sized Crackers: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons.