Trader Joe's Pinks & Whites Dark Chocolate Bar

To the tune of Michael Jackson's Black or White: 

I gave my baby a big chocolate bar
It came from TJ's
I drove there in my car

And I do believe in miracles
Even though one didn't happen tonight

(heee)

But if you're thinkin' bout' my candy
It don't matter if it's pink or white

They put my review in the Saturday Sun
I wrote my thoughts down, yeah, but it wasn't fun

And it's only an opinion
It's not like one is wrong or one's right

But if you're thinkin' 'bout my candy

Well I don't like this one pink or white

(uh hee hee)

And I think the clerk agreed with me
when this checkout gimmick entered his sight

He said, "The thing about this candy
is it ain't great, it's just pink and white"

It's pinks, it's whites
It's tough to say it's a good buy
Yeah, yeah, yeah

It's pinks, it's whites
It's tough to say it's a great thing
Yeah, yeah, yeah

That's all I got. I didn't write all the lyrics for that segue in the middle of the song where Macaulay Culkin raps on the stoop in the hood. If anybody feels inspired, please drop a few lines in the comments.

It's a very run-of-the-mill 54% dark chocolate base. There's shortbread and sprinkles fused onto the surface of the bar. It's very pretty and springy. I'll give it that.

That's about the longest ingredients list I've ever seen on a Trader Joe's brand product. $2.99 for the 3 oz bar. I believe it has already been discontinued. This is one I won't be heartbroken over.

Two and a half stars from me for Trader Joe's Pinks & Whites Dark Chocolate Bar. Three and a half from Sonia, who seems oddly impressed with the bites that include a lot of cookie.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Papadums

Ever kinda bite your tongue and try to hold back because you know whatever you have to say is gonna be unpopular but you kinda have to say it anyways.

That's where I am when it comes to Trader Joe's Papadums, with one key exception: I'm biting my fingers, not tongue, cuz I have to type this all out instead of just saying it, hoping it goes unnoticed. 

I......do not like the TJ's papadums. Not at all. 

This is completely contrary to every other opinion I've seen on them online. I kinda get it. The idea behind them is wonderful. From what I can tell, papadums are a traditional Indian snack, with some variation, but a lot are crispy, crunchy, crackery chiplike guys made from lentils and chickpeas. Texturally, they're a lot like sweet potato tortilla chips. So far, so good. Flavorwise, there's not much except the natural lentil and chickpea flavor, with a small dash of cumin and salt. Again, we're off to a good start here...

...it's just...

...there's something about the taste. Upfront there's no offensive or wrong, but after a crisp or two, the flavor "turns." I don't know how else to describe it, but it changes from a pleasant earthy crispy crisp to something I can only liken to dirt. Just...gross dirt. Like dried up, bottom of the soccer cleat kinda stuff. No, I don't actually know what that tastes like. But it's just so off-putting.

I tried, really, I did. I ate multiple papadums in multiple sittings, just to see if it was my mood or something else. Nope. Each bite was worse. Can't take them any more. 

Now, sure, I'm sure some of you will say you had to try them with a dip. I'm sure that'd cover up some of their unpleasantness. But to me, for a product to be good, it has to stand independent from anything else, and not be reliant on something else to make up for what it lacks. That's not where I am here with these.

I don't know, maybe this papa is dumb for not liking the papadums. Everyone else does, including my lovely bride, so that means more for you all I suppose. Enjoy for me, I'm gonna be sitting these out from here on out. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Papadums: 4 out of 10 Golden Spoons
 

Trader Joe's Fancy Cheese Crunchies

Generally when consuming Cheetos, the less digits you can get involved in the whole matter, the better. All that orange dust caking on everywhere? Ugh. It's even worse with the kids. 

Well, skip the kids and make sure to at least prop the pinkie, here comes Trader Joe's Fancy Cheese Crunchies. They fancy!

Sort of, anyways. I cracked open the bag and nearly gagged at first smell. Trapped up truffles can do that, I guess. Just smelled...musty and kinda stank. I don't know how else to describe it, and the first bite or two tasted like dirty feet to me. 

So yeah, not off to a good start.

Fortunately, I persisted, and by maybe the fourth bite, the real flavor of these new crunchers too effect. Instead of unnaturally glowing orange cheddar, these corn snacks are dusted with a mix of parmesan and black truffle pepper. While initially off-putting, the flavor grew on me with each passing bite. It's a little delicate and mild, with still a funky bite. I've never been able to get a truly good grasp on truffle flavor, mostly because I need to take a quick drink after or my mouth gets all itchy, but it's got that umami-licious funk that for those who enjoy it, they probably will here. 

Texturally, if you come into this expecting something akin to a Cheeto, that's what you got. There's only so many ways to conjure up corn meal and veggie oil, I guess. From the crunch I can't quite discern if they're baked or fried, but I'd presume baked given the overall lack of general greasiness. Could be wrong, won't be the last time here for sure. 

Overall, I'd give these a solid not bad. I can't see my kids liking them, though I've been proven wrong over and over with them, so that's a hearty who knows. Same with my lovely bride. I'm not 100% sure I'd rebuy them, mostly because of my mild truffle allergy and that I'm reasonably sure no one else here would eat them, but I can recognize them a little bit for what they are - a solid, not bad, slightly different, somewhat fancy spin on an old standby classic. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Fancy Cheese Crunchies: 5.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Everything but the Bagel Seasoned Bite Sized Crackers

Sometimes just a little rebranding is needed to get a little spark or buzz. Just ask Dunkin'. Dunkin' who? That's not a question that needs to be asked, but now I'm able to tell my kids that when I was their age, it was called Dunkin' Donuts. Now, just Dunkin'. You barely noticed that change, but I'm betting those DD suits are betting you'll now notice everything else that their "bake places" have, including crappy oversugared coffee drinks and greasy sammies. Oh well. Their profits are looking good as a result. 

More relevantly, here's Trader Joe's Everything but the Bagel Seasoned Bite Sized Crackers. Ahh, good ol' EBTB. It's a growing behemoth of a TJ's-nurtured "pet brand" so to speak - it's everywhere now - the seasoning blend, on chips, interestingly on bagels (everything but the bagel bagels? what?) and even on salmon. And now, finally, crackers. 

Oh wait. I stand corrected. According to my TJ's inside sources (AKA whoever happened to be the cashier on my last trip), these crackers have been around for YEARS and were just rebranded under the EBTB banner. This actually sounded vaguely right - I kinda remember a red box - but never tried them, never picked them up. Didn't help that there's only so many crackers one household should buy on any given trip, and all our usuals were out of stock, which highlighted this gleaming white box of snacktime promise even more prominently. 

Anyways, as far as crackers go, it's a decent cracker. Think of a slightly knock-off Wheat Thin with all the usual garlic and onion and various seeds which somehow is universally accepted as "everything" when quite frankly it excludes a lot more than it includes, and there you have it. There's plenty of flavor by themselves - I'd almost say too much - which we've been snacking on and off on. It is a bit too potent for a cracker, so a little pairing with some cheese is a good move. There's ample munch and crunch, for sure. In our household, at least, the purported adults like them more than the kiddos do - they can down a pallet of Cheddar Rockets in a day, this box has survived for nearly a week now. It's a good snack, for sure, but not addictive. At most, it's a fairly possible rebuy.

My apologies for the crappy pic. It's what happens when you have to snap one before dawn as you rush out the door. Maybe instead of rebranding myself, i just need a better set up And time. Lots more time. Sigh. 

Anyways, give 'em a try if you feel so inclined, and if like us you previously ignored their existence just to be enticed by the new packaging. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Everything but the Bagel Seasoned Bite Sized Crackers: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons. 

Trader Joe's Hold the Dairy! Mini Chocolate Frozen Dessert Cones

When they say "mini cones" they're not joking. These are obscenely diminutive desserts in my book. We've seen miniature cones from Trader Joe's before, but I think these are the smallest yet.

And it wouldn't be such a big deal but each cone is individually wrapped, and they're not super easy to get out of the packaging without mangling some of the pretty waves of coconut ice cream on top of the tiny cones. I dunno. Maybe I'm just hopelessly inept at unwrapping teensy little baby frozen desserts. I have fat hands. Perhaps I'd do better using an exacto knife and tweezers.

I'm exaggerating of course. But only a bit. My complaints about this product are primarily the format of the packaging. I'd much rather have, say, four normal-sized Nutty Buddy-style sundae cones than a dozen microscopic ones.

The flavor? It's good. It's chocolatey coconut milk. It's not a far cry from dairy. I mean, you can tell it's not dairy if you pay attention. I feel like they chose chocolate because it's rich and it overshadows the natural coconut milk flavor. I'd almost always prefer vanilla. I think it would allow the natural coconut milk flavor to shine even more. But if you're trying to trick a dairy-lover into eating something totally vegan, these are a decent choice.

The wafer cone and other ingredients are very much on par with a regular dairy-ful ice cream sundae cone, and there's nothing to complain about there. The overall effect is sweet, crunchy, and satisfying...as long as you eat more than one. I wouldn't have minded some nuts of some kind.

$3.99 for 12 very small cones. Not a terrible value. Just too much packaging. Dairy-free. Vegan. Coconut-based. There's actually coconut milk, coconut water, and coconut oil.

I'd probably reach for one of the other "Hold the Cone" options before I'd purchase these again, although I'd love to see these larger and with other flavor options. Three and a half stars a piece on these Hold the Dairy! cones. 

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Ube Pretzels

Earlier this week, I made one of my usual, occasional laments that here in Pittsburgh, we always seems last to get anything new, TJ's-wise. Weeks will go by and my lovely bride, who's always got her fingers on the pulse of new products in the pipeline, will be showing me the latest Instagram hype of whatever's new and hot. And we wait...and wait...and wait...and finally, when we get it, not that whatever it is usually isn't delicious, but it's kinda old news for the vast majority of yinz. 

Well, perhaps Big Joe finally heard all of that and tossed us a bone to gnaw on, with Trader Joe's Ube Pretzels. 

Neither Sandy nor I had heard of them or knew anything about them. It was a complete surprise. Somehow, we got ourselves a bag. I mean, I'm positive we're not like Neil Armstrong or anything, but for once, we kinda felt the rush of being first, or at least pretty darn close enough to it. 

If that isn't true, don't ruin it for us, please!

Anyways, TJ's ube pretzels. In case you didn't know, ube is basically a purplish sweet potato that naturally sweet, a touch savory, and translates well across many dishes, notably desserts and sweets. TJ's has been on a kick with them recent years, most notably with ube ice cream. Almost anything with ube, we like. 

As you can likely see, the basic premise here is very simple: a yogurty ube-flavored candy coating over some typical salty snappy pretzels. That's it. It's simple yet fun at the same time. We couldn't wait to start crushing some, and our kiddos were pretty excited about eating purple pretzels. Win win all around. 

Except...well...don't get me wrong, I like them. The few remaining survicors in the bag can attest to how many I snatched away from them. But there's something just a touch off on them. It seems to me that the candy coating is a touch or two more straight up sugar than actual ube flavored. Like Buddy the Elf ("Does it have sugar in it?...Then yes!"), I love straight up sugar, but it just doesn't work as great with the ube and then trying to work in a salty grainy pretzel. If something is ube, I want more ube. I can save the super sugary stuff for other times. 

Other than that, these pretzels are definitely a fun little snack that's worth the try. A bag runs about $3 and will definitely get a little sugar rush for that midafternoon lull. There's a good general thumbs up all around from us here in the 'burgh, what with us being first and all. Don't ruin that illusion!

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Ube Pretzels: 6.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons
 

Trader Joe's Buffalo Style Seasoned Almonds

 

It probably doesn't need to be said...but life can get pretty nuts sometimes. 

Theoretically I could on and on about the past few weeks, what, with our family's second round of COVID, a major house upgrade that made an emergency home repair needed, a two night hospital stay, a cross-state trip, all on top of kids and 60 hour work weeks and all sorts of stuff like school, dance class and lacrosse...but you're probably exhausted with your own stuff for me to load you down with all of mine. 

Know what helps us get through, and maybe spice it up? A good snack, with a little kick. Something like Trader Joe's Buffalo Style Seasoned Almonds. 

Man, I'd been looking forward to the TJ's buffalo almonds for weeks until they finally appeared on the shelves here in the 'burgh. We always seem to be last to get anything here, but once I could get my grubby hands on the half pound sack for only $3.99, I was all over them like the seasoning powder on these nuts. 

One word: spicy. Reallllll spicy. It's been a hot minute since anything kinda buffalo-ey got to me, but these almost do. The spice powder practically radiates red hot heat that's in and around every single bite. It's intense and strays close to too much. Maybe that's my inner old man emerging as I'm turning the last corner towards 40, but man, these nuts are muy picante. 

But lest you think that the piquant pungency is all that's present, there's more. Even before reading the ingredients, I noted a palpable creaminess in the powder seasoning. No, it's not really either ranch or blue cheese - it's more just a suggestion of milky goodness that puts the smallest of a damper on the flavor. Personally, I like it, as it's vaguely suggestive of dipping a buffalo wing in a little sauce to cool it down. Buuuuuuut, to be picky, I'd prefer a little bleu cheese flavor over plain cream. 

Combine all this with a traditional straight up toasty good almond, and boom. It's a fiery snacktime to keep ya going. 

Good stuff all around, and I'll intend on picking up more for whatever the crazy road up ahead holds. No complaints all around. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Buffalo Style Seasoned Almonds: 8.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's When Life Gives You Lemons Make Ice Cream

Okay, now THIS is lemon ice cream.

It's not lemon sherbet, sorbet, or shave ice. It's not frozen lemon curd. And it's not an ice cream that just has a hint of lemon essence. It has the sour zip of real lemon all through it, from start to finish and also the rich, creamy sweetness of real ice cream.

As if just to say, "We don't care about your silly opinions, you foodie-hacks," Trader Joe's slapped us in the face with their discontinuation of the legendary Lemon Triple Gingersnap Ice Cream many years ago. There hasn't been anything like it since.

And there still isn't. This isn't a replacement for that early entry into our Pantheon. It's not that this one is worse or better. It's just different. It's like comparing apples and oranges. Or...comparing lemons...to slightly different lemons.

Ahem. What I mean is: that classic discontinued treat was an incredible balance of deliciously subtle lemon and gingerrific snippity snaps. With this product, the lemonosity is off the charts. There's much less in the way of milky sweetness here, and nothing gingery either. And if you love lemon like I do, that's good news.

But in a way, this product is almost too sour. Like it borders on being too tartly lemony. The caches of lemon swirl throughout the ice cream are very similar to lemon curd, but not nearly as sweet. Each bite of it made my mouth pucker—but not in a bad way.

The shortbread pieces don't lend much flavor-wise. Honestly, I wouldn't have minded if they were chock-full of ginger. The sweetness of the shortbread is totally overshadowed and overwhelmed by the lemoniness in the rest of the product, but it does add a bit of soft chewy cookie texture, which breaks up the absolute smoothness of the ice cream and lemon swirl nicely.

This is hands down the most lemony ice cream I've ever had and it's honestly pretty high on the list for most lemony product of all time of any kind in my experience...except for maybe an actual lemon.

If you LOVE lemon flavored things, you've got to check this out. Don't expect the lemon flavor to be balanced out by hints of ginger or vanilla or anything else, though.

This is much more of a summer flavor than an early spring one, in my opinion, but we'll finish the pint easily, even if it's not hot outside. I'd buy again in a couple months. About three and a half bucks. Four and a half stars from me. Four from the beautiful wifey.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Candy Coated Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds

Sooooo..... what's your favorite Easter candy?

'Cause I'm such a weirdo, mine is easily black jelly beans Love 'em, can't get enough. I'll eat them til my mouth tingles with sugary bitterness and once subsided I'll go back for more. 

Not 100% sure for my lovely bride, but the mini Cadbury Creme Eggs are near the top. No, not the big, gooey filled ones (which just so happen to be second on my list) as those are a bit texturally challenging for her. The mini guys, just candy coated choclate, but somehow softer, sweeter and different than, say, regular ol' M&Ms. In her mind, few things could be better..

...except maybe Trader Joe's Candy Coated Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds. 

I wouldn't be surprised if we track down a case of these new candies. Really, there's no reason for them to be Easter-specific except maybe their cutesy robin egg-esque appearance, but even then...whatever. 

There's nothing all too new or novel here. Take an almond, enrobe it in a layer of the typically good quality TJ's dark choc, then slap on a candy shell and call it a day. That's all there is there ain't no mo'. 

Yet it's just so well done. There's a creaminess to the chocolate that's a bit unusual for the darker, less milky blend, and it's almost intoxicating. Add it in the earthy center of a decent roasty almond, and the fun sgary snap of a candy shell, and it's so easy to pop handful after handful. Maybe the chocolate is all churned by waterfall or has some other Wonka-fied madness to it, but it's just so good. 

Grab them. Petition the stores to make them year round. Buy buy buy. if somehow you don't like them, send us your surplus. I beg not on my own behalf, but instead plead for my wife - Lord knows she puts up with enough from me. The least I can do is try to get her an endless supply of a candy she adores. 

Sandy, in case you haven't figured it out, gives them a perfect unassailable score. I know better than to argue with her....I mean at least I should....but I'll mark them high myself. Get me my black jelly beans, get her bag aftyer bag of these tasty treats, and we'll be in hog heaven. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Candy Coated Dark Chocolate Covered Almonds: 9.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Thai Banana Fritters

When Sonia and I lived in Los Angeles, we frequented a place called Vegan Glory. Sonia and I weren't vegan then, nor are we now, but their Thai food was so amazing that we went there regularly with friends, the vast majority of whom were not vegan. It was a small, simple, unassuming restaurant at the end of a strip mall, but it often attracted celebrities and high-profile customers because the cuisine was so consistently fantastic.

Our favorite dessert there was banana spring rolls (although the coconut ice cream was a close second) We had some on our latest visit to L.A. when we RV'd through SoCal in 2019. They were still ridiculously tasty. So of course we've been searching for something that could take the place of those spring rolls since we've been apart from that outstanding restaurant.

Enter: Trader Joe's Thai Banana Fritters. I won't say they're AS GOOD as those banana spring rolls, but they're pretty darn close. And of course, these are "fritters" as opposed to "spring rolls" but they're still a desserty banana-based vegan dish with crispiness on the outside...so very similar.

Six minutes in the air fryer and the smell just overwhelmed the kitchen. I snatched my three fritters out of the basket piping hot and ate them with my bare hands. I don't necessarily recommend consuming them that way, as they are quite oily on the outside. I think Sonia used a fork and ate hers from a plate. Either way, they were tasty.

Banana is the dominant flavor. But there's a nice blend of other essences like coconut milk and sesame. There's a good bit of added sugar, too—enough to appease the average sweet tooth at dessert time, I'd say. At least half of each bite is banana, but there's a significant amount of rice flour breading, as well. Texture-wise, there's a nice crispy crunch on the outside and soft, supple banana on the inside.

$3.79 for six fritters, found in the frozen section. We'd buy again. Four and a half stars from the beautiful wifey. Four stars from me for Trader Joe's Thai Banana Fritters.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Pain au Lait Chocolate Chip

This product was absolutely screaming our names from the breads section at Trader Joe's. We enjoyed its predecessor so much, we were both excited to see a version with chocolate chips. Chocolate chips make everything better, right?

Well, in this case, maybe not—at least in our humble opinion. Chocoholics may disagree, but this product made Sonia and I realize that we are milk roll purists. At least in my case, I'd never had an honest-to-goodness French milk roll until I tried the plain pain au lait from Trader Joe's. That was some amazingly special bread: the soft texture, the milky flavor just absolutely wowed us. Other than fresh-baked, that might have been the best plain bread I've ever had. And this bread flaunts the same flavor and same texture. Still amazing. Still top-shelf. But the chocolate chips don't really add anything.

At first, there's something novel about it. I mean, it's candy baked right into the bread. What a great idea, right? But after a few bites, we both found ourselves pining for the pure, unadulterated taste and texture of the delicious bread without anything detracting from it.

Get your hands on the original stuff if you can. If not, this product is still pretty freaking tasty. If we'd tried this version first, I'm sure we would've been a bit more impressed. We didn't see the original pain au lait at our TJ's on our last visit, but I hope that doesn't mean it's been discontinued.

$2.99 for the bag. Four stars from Sonia. Three and a half from this guy. We'd buy again, but only in the absence of the plain pain.

I suppose it's pronounced more like "pan" or "pon" than the English word "pain," but to quote the Princess Bride:

Life is pain, Highness.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Oat Chocolate Bars

There's a lot of power in preconceived notions, right? 

I'm going to use the possibly new Trader Joe's Oat Chocolate Bars as an example. 

See: I grew up not far from Hershey, PA, the self-proclaimed chocolate capital of the world. I've grown to realize their particular brand might not be the absolute best that's out there. Still, their chocolate is fairly ubiquitous, right? It's easily identifiable and serves as an easy standard to which one can easily compare all other chocolates too, , even if only to say how much better whatever the chocolate is compared to Hershey's. There's a reason we often use Hershey's as a comparison in our reviews as our yardstick. 

Welllll....one small bite of these TJ's oat chocolate bars, and I was ready to toss it and find me a Hershey's.

There's something just "off" about them, on first bite, that I didn't like. It tasted...grainy, and more than perceptibly so. Just off, and not "like what a milk chocolate bar should taste like." I stray more towards dark chocolate, but when going the lighter route, I guess I want the fullness and comfortable richness that regular ol' dairy milk helps afford and things like oats can't quite replicate. 

I ate the rest (I mean, it's chocolate, after all) but that initial impression, formed by years of my own experience, didn't change much. 

Then it kinda hit me: "my own experience." What about others? 

My lovely bride originally bought these as a small snack for herself and a friend who's vegan. It's a three pack, so two for them and one for me. Perfect. Anyways, if someone was vegan or dairy free, whether by choice or by need...I guess the TJ's is a pretty decent "milk" chocolate bar. There is a certain smoothness and even a touch of creaminess that the bar replicates reasonably well. Everyone deserves a chance at a good milk chocolate bar, right? 

In the end, this still won't be my chocolate of choice, but that's okay. I'm glad it's out there as an available option for whoever it would appeal for. Choices are good, and what doesn't work for me will probably work for someone else. It's all good. 

Anyways, I'm not a huge fan, but my wife and her friend were, so I'll lean more on their judgment than mine and say it's worth a shot, especially if traditional milk chocolate just isn't for you, for any reason. Double fours? Sure. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Oat Chocolate Bars: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Spring Gummies

The tulips in the backyard really want to come out. But just when we think they're about to go full-bloom, they get pummeled with cold north winds and snow flurries and they just stay tucked away—a few tufts of green leaflets poking out of the partially-thawed ground. One of these days soon they'll present their pretty petals, but for now it's a bit too chilly still.

Nevertheless, it is indeed springtime and Easter's not very far away. Nothing's more vernal than blooming flowers, playful butterflies, and cute chirpy birds. Even the convenient resealable bag boasts gorgeous green grass and beautiful blue skies.

The colors of the candies themselves are pastel pink, green, and yellow. As far as I could tell, however, there was no difference in flavors. They all had the same vaguely sweet, mostly forgettable taste. 

It's just cane sugar and a bunch of supporting ingredients that give the candies their color and texture. Fortunately, there's no pork gelatin. Hooray for kosher gummies. Also, they're gluten free.

So these would be fine for a kid's Easter basket or just a mid-day blood sugar booster. We've seen some disappointing gummy candy from Trader Joe's throughout the years and we've also seen some amazingly delicious offerings. These fall exactly in between the two extremes flavor-wise. But since they're presented so nicely, we'll be kind when we score them.

$2.99 for the bag. I think they were new as of last year, and they're making their second seasonal appearance right now. Three stars from Sonia. Three from me for Trader Joe's Spring Gummies.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Peanut Butter Chewy Coated & Drizzled Granola Bars

You ever see or hear or taste something "new" and immediately think, hey' I've experienced this before, but can't figure out where, when, or what it was?

That's 100% the case here with the new Trader Joe's Peanut Butter Chewy Coated & Drizzled Granola Bars. 

I swear I've had them before. Naturally, TJ's doesn't make these, or any of their products, so there's a chance I've had the brand name equivalent. 

Or maybe not. Let' be honest - how unique and different and everything can you get with a peanut butter granola bar? There's only so many ways to invent a wheel. 

Everything that can reasonably expected, and everything promised in photos and packaging is present. The bars are of sufficiently good quality with tier rolled oats and rice crisps and whatnot, which makes for a not too soft, not too hard bite with just the right amount of chew. They're neither floppy and flailing nor suitable for small construction projects. There's that peanut butter shellacking on the bottom side (that'd be the coat) with some extra kinda hanging around haphazardly atop (that'd be the drizzle). It's a small, perfect sized snack, plenty portable, filling enough for what it is, and no real complaints...

...but also absolutely nothing descript or unique or anything to set it apart from the crowd in any tangible way I can discern. Granted, I've barely had the brainpower to somewhat manage everything else I have in life recently, much less to categorically and definitively compare and contrast my nearly 40 years' experience of eating peanut butter granola bars to this particular TJ's brand. It's a big catalogue, and not well notated. All that to say, chime in if you got something, cuz I'm drawing a blank here. 

Nothing wrong, will rebuy, kids love them, nothing overly right, but hey, it's a decent snack. Not bad at all for what it is.  

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Peanut Butter Chewy Coated & Drizzled Granola Bars: 6.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Sour Cream & Onion Flavored Rings

"You look pretty good...for your age."

"You're so pretty/handsome when you smile."

"I bet you were in great shape when you were younger."

Yeah, some "compliments" aren't exactly that, are they?

Kinda like when my lovely bride stated that the new Trader Joe's Sour Cream & Onion Flavored Rings were, and I quote, "better than Funyuns." I mean, I get the basis, as in comparing the most ubiquitous onion ring bagged snack to the TJ's noob here, but really? That, while not quite a low enough standard to be a tripping hazard in Hades, isn't exactly a difficult hurdle to cross. The thought of Funyuns doesn't leave me (or anyone?) reaching for the stars, much less a bag of Funyuns. Overly salty corn meal fried in vegetable oil? No thanks. 

Back to the TJ's snacker rings. These are legitimately and legume-ly tasty, with a much healthier base of lentils and rice, and baked deliciously to a light, airy crisp. The result is a slightly earthy, crunchy snack with a bite that keeps my chompers chomping for more. It really is pretty fun and somewhat novel. 

Results do vary somewhat as far as seasoning distribution. In the name of science I snagged two bags on my last trip. The first sack wasn't overly sour creamy or oniony - it was more a subtle suggestion than all out flavor blast. it was kinda nice yet somewhat lacking at the same time. Like, let's not get too refined here, k?  The second must have gotten whatever was leftover from the first and then some, because man, right from the first, it's all out sc&o. At time of writing it's been nearly two hours since I had my last bite and I can still taste it. Gonna have to brush before smooching the Mrs. 

Definitely give them a try if sour cream and onion are your kinda thing. I'd love for some more variations, like a jalapeno cheddar or ranch, or even just a plain one. While there's no doubt that the rings are absolutely a snack/junk food, they're pretyt healthy on that curve. And it's great that even a small handful has enough substance to them to fill ya up and help stave off the mindless eating. Mmm lentils. Just a couple bucks a bag and worth it. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Sour Cream & Onion Flavored Rings: 9 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Peanut Butter Cookies

 

In the world of cookies, there's a few ways you can go, of course. 

There's soft and squishy/melty. Soft and crumbly. Crispy and crumbly. Crispy and crunchy. hard and crunchy. And then just plain ol' rocks. 

For my money, as that list progresses, the quality and enjoyment factor of a peanut butter cookie goes down significantly...but we may have a new benchmark with Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Peanut Butter Cookies. 

Usually, it's the taste that diminishes the further right on the spectrum you go. But, it's not the case here. there's an undeniably strong peanut butter flavor, albeit somewhat sweet and sugary. it's a cookie, after all. But the taste is fairly nutty, a touch savory, and hits a lot of key notes, and is enough of a winning combo for my book. The little occasional chunk of peanut does help seal the deal.

But man, these would be even better if softer in my opinion, to really let that flavor wash over. Instead, the bite-sized cookies border on being too hard, too crunchy at times. The molars do get a work out here. A little milk or hot chocolate does soften them, for sure, but it'd be nice to have a softer bite without resorting to dunking. 

These new TJ pb cookies are pretty tasty, and a tub is worth a pick up for the occasional munch or homework time motivator. At about $4 for the tub it's a good enough value even for not being my preferred texture. There's only so many ways you can go.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Crispy Crunchy Peanut Butter Cookies: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Cinna-Dragons

The age of the dragon is upon us.

So many pop culture dragons these days I could blather on about: Smaug from The Hobbit, Daenerys Targaryen's dragons from Game of Thrones, Toothless from How to Train Your Dragon. I could go on and on.

Why these little candies are shaped like dragons and not like, I dunno...bears or tigers or something...anything else, I really have no idea. They're not even all that hot. The bag even states, "Are they fire-breathing dragon hot? Nah."

That's accurate.

The heat level here is probably just enough to annoy spice-o-phobes and probably a good bit shy of what a spice-o-phile is craving. But if you just want a standard sweet cinnamon candy with a bit of a kick, then these little treats are hard to complain about.

I went through a brief Hot Tamales phase in high school. These are comparable. I liked Fireballs, too, which obviously weren't chewy, but flaunted a very similar sweet-hot cinnamon flavor profile.

I don't recall what ingredients were used in those old-school cinnamon candies, but the Trader Joe's version is pretty much above reproach in that department. There's cane sugar instead of high fructose corn syrup and vegetable juice instead of weird chemical dyes. Nothing super unusual or unpronounceable.

In the end, I just have to be in the mood for cinnamon candy. There's nothing about these that calls me back for piece after piece. Their texture is fine. Their flavor is fine. I don't know what I was expecting. Maybe TJ's should dip them in dark chocolate next time.

Beautiful wifey feels the same. $2.29 per resealable bag. Gluten-free. Kosher. Three stars a piece from Sonia and me for Trader Joe's Cinna-Dragons.

Bottom line: 6 out of 10.

Trader Joe's French Chocolate Crepe Wafer Cookies

Yeah, it's the first day of Lent, and some of you may be giving up chocolate as is tradition, and perhaps you didn't really want or need to see a review on the new Trader Joe's French Chocolate Crepe Wafer Cookies...

Yet here we are. 

Be assured, though, you're not missing much. These newbies are one of the great examples of "nothing really wrong, but nothing really right either" niche that TJ's occasionally stumbles on. 

Like, I'm not going to complain about thin carmelized wafer dough, rolled up and dipped in some tasty milk chocolate. That'd be ridiculous, because it's tasty. Of course it's tasty.

But is there anything compelling here at all? Anything for a little added kick, or something that'd help seal the deal for a definite rebuy. Nah, not at all. A little sea salt, or a touch of French vanilla, or some cafe au lait, or, I don't know, some  baguettes or something would make it a much more compelling product. It might also help point out exactly what's so "French" about these. 

Instead it's just a nice little crispy, airy, chocolate treat. Nothing wrong, but nothing overwhelmingly right. And sorry but I just can't get a great pic of the nutritional info and ingredients, it's just too small for my potato, I mean phone. 

Meh. 

Bottom line: Trader Joe's French Chocolate Crepe Wafer Cookies: 5.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Trader Joe's Dressed Up Mango

It's been a while since we've seen a new mango product from Trader Joe's. That used to be one of their staples. Did I mention Trader Joe's likes to take previously-existing products and dip them in dark chocolate? We've even seen mango and dark chocolate at least once before, but that one had coconut, too. So if it was coconut that steered you away from that old-school TJ's treat, you're in luck.

This product is nothing but thin slices of real dried mango with one end dipped in dark chocolate. There's just enough thickness and body to the mango slices that they're still a little syrupy on the inside. They're nice and sweet and fruity like you'd expect.

I kinda like that they only dipped one end in chocolate. The whole thing in chocolate would be overkill. It would also be way more messy that way.

I've had dried mango before, and the quality here is pretty top-notch compared to the other offerings I've sampled. The dark chocolate is nothing to shake a stick at, either.

And of course, we have to mention the tin. The square tin this product comes in is obviously something you can keep and use to store bubblegum cards, jewelry, cigars, ammunition, prophylactics, jerky, silver coins, iodine pills, or pretty much anything that might come in handy for the imminent SHTF situation. 

Or you can repurpose it as a gift box. It's pretty solid metal and feels durable—built to stand the test of time, you know? It's $7.49, so it's on the more expensive end of the dried fruit spectrum, but there's that sexy tin, though... 

Four stars from the beautiful wifey. Three and a half stars from this guy.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Bamba Puffed Peanut & Corn Snacks Dipped In Dark Chocolate

Sometimes it seems like Trader Joe's product development team runs out of ideas and just starts dipping previously existing items in dark chocolate. That's fine. I think most people like dark chocolate covered stuff most of the time. I'd prefer milk chocolate dipped stuff, but apparently I'm the odd man out as far as that goes.

In my opinion, the peanutty deliciousness of Bambas is a somewhat delicate peanuttiness. And furthermore, in my humble opinion, the dark chocolate overshadows the natural peanut flavor in the Bamba with this iteration of the popular snack. It tastes mostly like dark chocolate with a faint whisper of peanut in the background. I'd prefer the reverse.

The last iteration of Bambas paired the peanut puffs with cocoa hazelnut paste and that worked pretty freaking well. This combo is just a little too heavy on the chocolate part of the equation for yours truly, but if you're a dark chocolate lover, it might just be your thing.

I found out that the original producer of Bamba snacks, Osem, does in fact make hazelnut cream filled Bamba snacks, too, over in Israel. I couldn't verify whether they do make these dark chocolate dipped ones as well, or if that's an original creation of Trader Joe. Even the beautiful wifey, who's a much bigger dark chocolate person than I am, thought the dark chocolate layer on these Bambas was way too thick.

Considering we lavished the previous two Bamba products with near-perfect scores, we can't shaft this one too badly. It's still an inexpensive chocolatey-peanutty snack. Kosher. $2.99 for the bag. Four stars from Sonia. Three from me.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.