Trader Joe's Crew Member Cologne Collection

If you're anything like me, you find the olfactory landscape of a Trader Joe's to be comforting, soothing...transcendent even. And today's your lucky day. Forget all that fancy stuff with vanilla notes and jasmine. TJ’s has launched its debut fragrance line: the Crew Member Collection.

This isn't just perfume. It's a sensory activation. There are three signature scents, and yes, they come packaged in miniature, wax-coated cardboard boxes. Each one retails for only $9.99 and comes with a certificate of authenticity printed with its unique batch number.

Here’s my honest review:

1. Frozen Aisle & Cedar (the blue box) This one smells like existential dread and fresh produce. It opens with an aggressive burst of crisp, cold ozone—like when you reach into the display freezer to grab some hashbrowns—and mellows into a surprisingly grounded scent of damp cedar. It smells exactly like the back stockroom on delivery day. Bottom line: 9 out of 10. (If you like smelling like crisp efficiency).

2. Aisle 4 Eucalyptus & Spice (the green box) This scent is a rollercoaster. The top note is undeniable: a chaotic blend of Everything But the Bagel Seasoning, chai, and cedar. It’s warm, garlic-heavy, and slightly abrasive. It dries down to a faint hint of eucalyptus that I’m convinced Sonia sprayed by the registers to keep the line calm. Bottom line: 7 out of 10. (You will smell savory).

3. Eau de Hibiscus Tote (the pink box) This is the breakout star. It smells like sweet, tart hibiscus but with a complex "aged cotton" finish. They captured the exact scent of a canvas tote bag that has been sitting in a hot trunk for two weeks. It's nostalgic, slightly fruity, and very aggressively branded. Bottom line: 10 out of 10. (Sonia stole my bottle immediately).

All three fragrances are unisex and cruelty free. The ingredients lists are...fascinating. Sonia would definitely pick up the hibiscus flavor or the frozen aisle one for a repeat buy. We're still on the fence about Aisle 4. Apparently, they used actual spiced chai oil, and I do have to warn you: these colognes do not wash off. You are a crew member now. Forever. Happy shopping!

Trader Joe's Marshmallow Eggs

So these are basically Trader Joe's take on the timeless classic: Peeps. In the words of the most fanatical adult Peeps fan I know, they're "a better alternative to Peeps" with "all natural coloring." Indeed, Trader Joe's Marshmallow Eggs are colored with vegetable juice, turmeric, and spirulina. All of the ingredients seem to be above board, with the possible exception of carrageenan. But hey, a little seaweed-based emulsifier probably won't kill anybody. I'd prefer that over pork gelatin, which is what you'll find in original Peeps.

 

The marshmallow is nice and soft. There's a faint crunchiness on the outside thanks to the thin coating of fine crystallized sugar granules. These do contain pea protein, but fear not. They don't taste like pea protein. If I can taste pea protein, I'll nope out pretty fast. But these are good.

There's a creamy vanilla sweetness and an almost caramel-esque richness to them. They're very soft and fluffy, texture-wise, and they're quite satisfying. Still, in the same way I don't really crave Peeps these days, I probably wouldn't purchase this product outside of a once-a-year Easter novelty, and in reality it'll most likely be even more infrequent than that.

They come in a few different pastel colors like pink, purple, and green, but our TJ's store only had yellow Marshmallow Eggs. We picked up two packs because why the heck not? I would think the lack of gelatin would render this product as vegan, but it's not marked as such. Not sure why.

At $1.49 for three, they're worth picking up at least once to toss into Junior's Easter basket just to see how he likes them. You can always go back to the name brand if he's not into 'em. Sonia and I will polish off our two packs easily enough. We both give Trader Joe's Marshmallow Eggs seven and a half out of ten stars.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.