Trader Joe's Chianti Red Wine Artisan Salami

Excuse us please. We've been drowning in cookies.

Sandy and I got cookies like Scrooge McDuck got coins. We've been swimming in them after a recent holiday cookie potluck we hosted...and there's no end in sight with family coming in next week for Christmas. My mom can't stand the thought of anyone not having a 55 gallon drum full of at least three of their favorite cookies.

So even though TJ's typically shines this year for all sorts of holiday goodies, we've avoided the super Christmassy sugary stuff out there. our bad. A lot seems to be recycled from years past, so almost undoubtedly we've covered if you did a search here.

So how about another kinda treat you might see at a holiday function...like Trader Joe's Chianti Red Wine Artisan Salami.

Gimli said it best, really. Salted pork. So tough to beat. And there's something to be said for a good quality salami, with bonus points for not having to behead any urakhai to get some.

I'd classify the TJ's red wine salami as such. "Artisan" might be more embellished marketing than actual fact, but no matter. The meat is how one may expect - a little greasy, a little gristly, with the pepperoni-esque collagen wrapper to remove before eating. The taste really is almost equal parts smoky and salty, with a little sweetness coming from roasted garlic and/or the red wine powder. The red wine is definitely noticeable and pleasant, and lends almost a certain "lightness" to the overall flavor.

For myself, I appreciated the overall softer bite. Not to say the meat isn't firm - it certainly is. But other similar meats I feel are more gnaw than chew, and that's not the case here. It helps it all go down a little easier.

And as I can presently (as of time of writing) attest to, the salmai pais well with a little bourbon. But put it on a cracker, get a sharp cheddar or smoked gouda...that'd be good. Really good. Holiday charcuterie board worthy good. And naturally, as it is a wine-based product, some adult-style grape juice just might work with it too.

One more pop culture reference, as I can't think of how else to work it in but I must: one of my favorite Family Guy moments ever.

At least be thankful I didn't try to make a "Red Red Wine" parody...I came up with a few lines but it started sounding way too suggestive in a route I did not wish to take way too quickly.

 But yes, red red wine can make a meat so fine. Who knew? And at a respectable $4.99 price tag as well. Double fours from the wife and me.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Chianti Red Wine Artisan Salami: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons 

Trader Joe's Step Up to the Snack Bar Mix

Disclaimer: Due to health concerns, Sonia and I have been eating markedly less salt lately, and it's possible—just possible—that our unusually high level of appreciation for this product may be, in part, due to the fact that it's one of the first super salty snacks we've really indulged in since Thanksgiving. In our opinions, if you're gonna reach for a salty snack at TJ's this holiday season, this isn't a bad mix to consider.

First up: honey mustard pretzels. Sonia and I have always been fans of honey mustard pretzels. These didn't disappoint. Unlike some of the other popular brands like Snyder's, which are very heavy in the mustard department, I felt like these pretzels were a little heavier on the "honey" part of the equation. It made them sweet and tasty in and of themselves, and they also blended seamlessly with...

The honey roasted peanuts. Over the course of a five hour flight as a kid, I'd eat like 12 bags of those things on an airplane. They weren't as pricey back then, and the airlines seemed to be much more generous with them. They've grown stingy over the years. I'm always like, "I just paid $500 for this flight. The least you can do is give up an extra bag of honey roasted peanuts, right? Sheesh." But anyway, back then, I was a cute kid with a full head of light blond hair. I'd flirt with the stewardesses and ask sweetly for more bags. How could they say no? I'm apparently not as cute as an old, bald man with a devil goatee...but I digress. The point is I loved honey roasted peanuts so much back then, but my love for them has dwindled somewhat in recent decades. Not sure why, but this mix rekindled my love of honey roasted peanuts. Maybe they were just that good. Maybe it was the combo of the nuts with the other elements of the mix. Or maybe it was just me taking a break from my lower sodium diet. But these were some tasty peanuts, and Sonia totally agrees.

Corn chips with flax seeds. Not my favorite, but certainly not bad. I've had snack mixes that were loaded with weird crunchy sticks with sesame seeds. I have no problem with sesame seeds, but sometimes they're just out of place and they ruin the flavor of the foods they're mixed in with. For that reason, I'm glad TJ's went with flax seeds here. Their taste is less intrusive, if that makes sense. They're hearty and earthy and they blend in just fine without overshadowing the other flavors.

Cheddar rockets. Apparently, Trader Joe's sells these as a stand-alone product. We've never reviewed them on this blog, but we have taken a look at their cheddary Christmas cousins. Sonia thinks there are too many rockets in the mix. I didn't mind them. They have a nice genuine cheddar flavor. I didn't enjoy them quite as much as the pretzels or peanuts, but I definitely appreciated them more than the corn and flax dealies.

Chili lemon corn sticks. There's just enough chili to give them a subtle kick, but not quite enough to scare off spice-o-phobes. There's a vague citrus vibe here, no doubt from the lemon, but it's also very similar to anything chili-lime flavored or coated in chili lime seasoning. The citrus-chili-corn combo is a winner almost every time. Again, they mix well with the sweeter elements and provide a bit of a spicy zing.

The whole thing is modeled after a bar or pub mix, and indeed, it does pair well with lager or ale. Whether you indiscriminately shovel handfuls into your mouth or you pick out your favorite elements and create particular flavor combos, it's all good here. $5 for a 12oz can. Might be a repeat purchase for us. Is this even a holiday product? I don't think we've seen it at TJ's before this month. Hopefully it'll be available year round.

Four stars from Sonia. Four and a half from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Organic Cultured Beverages

...organic cultured beverage???

What the what?

I really have no idea what this means...do you? If so, please please please chime in here.

I get what kombucha is. I sure as heck drink enough of it - several times a week. All them good little bacteria germies make my stomach feel gooooood, especially around these holidays and all the food that despite my best intentions I can't seem to stop cramming down. I mean, when sweatpants seem like a good daily option, it's time to cut back.

But Trader Joe's Organic Cultured Beverage? Never heard of a straight up OCB before. Comes in the same kinda glass bottle on the same refrigerated shelf as the various kombuchas TJ's offers, including under their own name. It's at the same price point (or close enough) at $2.69 locally for a pint. It comes with the same quasi Happy Fun Ball-esque handling instructions.

Think the similarities end there? Nope! Similar alcoholic content (0.5% or less, meaning you don't need to be 21 to buy it). Similar sediment of funk on the bottom. You open it, it fizzies up just the same. Take a sip, of either flavor...yup, that same ol' familiar acridic fermented bacterial bite. MMM, who doesn't love the taste of gluconobacters and acetobacters and benedicto cumberbacters getting their schwerve on? For those not acquainted, the word vinegar-y is not quite right, but it's the closest I'm aware of.

But, alas, after some careful discernment, there are perhaps a few differences. Alas, I am not a gastroenterological microbiologist (surprise!), so where there may be some differences on what what microbes and how many of them, I cannot speak intelligently about them. But in comparison to regular kombuchas, the cultured beverages seem less intense, perhaps a little scaled back. There's also lower juice content. Whereas most kombuchas I have had say they are 10% juice, the OCBs check in at 4%. So that can also play a part. My hunch, completely uncorroborated, is that the OCBs are basically a slightly watered down kombucha for those who want/need the benefits of kombucha but in lessened impact.

Anecdotally speaking, for me, it works about the same and I feel about the same afterwards, and I enjoy the OCBs just as much. Between the two flavors TJ's currently offers, I prefer the mango over the hippie Arnold Palmer as I feel fruit lends itself better to the fermented drink genre, especially those that are sweeter like mangoes as opposed to a more subdued taste like iced tea and lemonade.

Good, solid drinks, for sure. Not sure what else can be said...but if you're interested in trying them out, whether a long time kombucha drinker in search of a slight variation, or a newbie, I'd say trust your gut on this one. Double fours.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Organic Cultured Beverages: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons