Trader Joe's Cold Brew Coffee & Cream Liqueur

I guess the whole upper and downer all in a single beverage isn't a new concept. I love Red Bull and I'm fine with vodka when coupled with appropriate mixers, but blending the two together? Stimulants and depressants both at the same time make me spazzy.

Some might say I'm spazzy to begin with. That's fine. I won't argue the point. 

Stuff like Kahlua, coffee liqueur, or this cold brew beverage? Same thing. There's real coffee with real caffeine as well as alcohol. But you know, it tastes so gosh dang good, I have some every chance I get, which realistically isn't all that often.

I guess the real question is: when is the appropriate time to enjoy such a beverage? I, personally, can't have it before bed as a nightcap, because it'll keep me up into the next morning. I suppose some could get away with the whole Irish coffee thing and have it in the morning, especially if you work from home and don't need to drive anywhere, but I know I don't function very efficiently that way, depending, of course, on what I'm working on and how into it I am.

I suppose the best time for me to consume such a beverage would be right after dinner, still hours before bed, but after the day's tasks are completed. It's a narrow window, indeed. And it still might keep me up a little later than usual. Even more likely: I'll be in a spazztastic mood that'll annoy Sonia and anyone else around, making all involved wish I'd simply stuck to an upper or a downer and not both simultaneously.

Of course, I exaggerate the effects of such beverages. I don't think there's enough caffeine or alcohol in this drink to really do any harm to me or anyone else. I just needed a lead-in for the review, and stream-of-consciousness seemed as good an angle as any.

The product? It's sure tasty enough. The coffee element isn't overdone. It doesn't taste like a pot of black java. It's more like a premixed frappuccino or what-have-you. I guess cold brew coffees tend to be a little smoother and less bitter than other selections. It's super creamy, slightly thick, and almost velvety, texture-wise. It's only moderately sweet, well-balanced flavor-wise. It's perfect in a cocktail glass with a few ice cubes to keep it cold and thin it out as they melt.

Sonia was quite smitten with this liqueur. She's generally way more into coffee products than I am. She almost always sips her drinks super slowly, while I'm more of a chugger—and that goes for everything from water to juice to fine cream liqueurs—although I must say she downed this selection uncharacteristically quickly. She liked it significantly more than Kahlua, stating that it's much less harsh and more palatable.

For less than $10, it's worth a try for coffee connoisseurs and boozehounds alike. The quality is on par with any other cream liqueur, a la Bailey's or RumChata, with a distinct cold brew coffee taste. The wifey and I will both give it a thumbs up.

Four stars from me. Perfect five from Sonia.

Bottom line: 9 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Sparkling Honeycrisp Apple Juice Beverage

When I lived in Hollyweird, California, I worked right next door to the historic Egyptian Theatre. A couple friends I knew from back east were headed there to watch a screening of a film called The Apple, so I decided to check it out with them. At the time, I'd never heard of it. Apparently, it's a cult classic, a la Rocky Horror Picture Show. It's at least as weird as Rocky Horror and maybe half as watchable. The theater was filled with costumed fanatics of the 1980 production, along with the already colorful denizens of Hollywood Boulevard. It would be a night to remember.

You have to really be in the mood to watch something laughably awful if you want to try to sit through The Apple. It takes place in the super futuristic year of 1994 and involves outlandish outfits and absurd musical sing-alongs. The interactive freak show at The Egyptian helped me stay awake through the entire 92 minutes of the film, and fortunately, I managed to leave the theater with only moderately damp clothes and most of my dignity still intact.

At the time, we were able to bring our own refreshments into the venue. I don't remember what I brought, but if I'd have had any of these little cans of pure delight on hand, I'd have definitely put a couple in my cargo pockets and sipped on them throughout the movie—both because they would have fit with the whole "apple" theme...and because they're scrumptious.

Although we've seen some outstanding honeycrisp cider from Trader Joe's in the past, these little beauties are honeycrisp juice mixed with carbonated water. Although "carbon dioxide" and "water" are separated in the ingredients list for some reason, there are essentially only two ingredients to this beverage. And that's all it needs.

The sweetness level is tempered by the water, which you might expect, but the beverage is still satisfyingly sweet. It's light and refreshing as can be. This product is reminiscent of Martinelli's Sparkling Apple Juice, but it comes in single serving cans rather than bottles. We didn't apply our mixological inclinations to this beverage on this go around, but I'm guessing it would make a killer appletini with some apple bourbon and vodka.

At $3.99, it's just about exactly a dollar per can, with exactly 100 calories per can. We highly recommend picking up a box when it returns in the fall. Four and a half stars from Sonia. Four from me.

Bottom line: 8.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Sparkling Cranberry & Ginger Beverage

Since I called attention to the fact I reviewed a non-holiday item back in early December, I suppose calling myself out for reviewing this overtly Christmassy beverage more than two weeks after Christmas Day is unavoidable. I wish I had a clever reason for doing things this way, but the truth of the matter is that I forgot we even had this product stashed away in the back of a cupboard. If I had to do it over, I'd have reviewed this one back then and saved those crackers for now, although I'm not sure either one is currently available at Trader Joe's. Hopefully they'll bring them both back next year.

On its own, this beverage is refreshing and tasty. There's a moderate tart cranberry taste and a little throat-tickling ginger flavor. It's actually a bit sweeter than either of us expected it to be—not obnoxiously so, but enough to be just a tad syrupy and to balance out the tang of the cran and the bite of the spice.

The carbonation level is just about perfect, comparable to the many other fancy sparkling four-packs we've seen from Trader Joe's in the past. It stays fizzy even after a spell in a cocktail glass with ice cubes. I guess this is the biggest advantage of the four tiny cans: a larger container would yield flat soda by the end of its tenure.

Another great strength of this drink is its mixability. There's a recipe for a mocktail on the side of the box—or you may add vodka for a true cocktail. It involves orange and lime juices, slices of citrus fruits and cranberries. We substituted fresh-squeezed with store-bought orange juice, and we didn't have any actual cranberries on hand, so we just plopped some lime wedges in ours. It was even more delicious with the addition of extra citrus flavors.

Finally, we did verify that it mixes well with vodka. Pro tip: everything mixes well with vodka. Alongside the ginger, something akin to a fruity Moscow Mule results.

$3.99 for four small cans. Four stars from Sonia and three and a half from me for Trader Joe's Sparkling Cranberry & Ginger Beverage.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's 2020 Vintage Spiced Ale

2020. There's one for the books. Appropriate to end the year with a product that actually has "2020" in its name, dontcha think?

Now, I'm not sure if I'm doing this right. If this were a bottle of wine, we'd want it to age a few years and then in, say, 2025 or 2030, we'd be like, "Hey let's break out that bottle of vintage '20 we've got in the cellar," and then we'd reminisce about this most ridiculous of years. Incidentally, that's one of the gifts I got Sonia this year for Christmas—a wine rack that we keep in the basement. I even assembled it myself. We totally have a wine cellar now. We're fancy like that. Actually not really.

We keep one row of pseudo-fancy local stuff on the top rack. The rest is filled in with cheap wines and random selections like, well, this spiced ale. I wouldn't call it "cheap," but for $5.99, it's not exactly gonna break the bank, either. It's a top rack bottle for a bottom rack price. I mean, granted, it's not even wine...it's dark ale, but the shape and size of the bottle fit our wine rack perfectly.

So since I'm fairly certain most ales don't improve with age, let's see what we've got going here. Ooh. That is spicy.

Upon pouring into my pub-style pint glass, the head was a little out of control. I like to think I'm decent at pouring like a bartender, where you have the glass basically horizontal at the start of the pour and then you slowly upright the glass as the liquid falls to the bottom, so as to minimize the agitation of the beverage, thus reducing the amount of unwanted foam on top. However, I may have to reassess my pouring skills after serving Sonia and myself about 1/2 pint of beer and 1/2 pint of foam each.

Nevertheless, the foam and the beer were both tasty. The ale was fairly spice-forward with a sort of clove and allspice blend. There was something cinnamony in there, too, but it definitely had the flavor of a beer, rather than that of pumpkin pie or a scented candle. It was a bit creamy, malty, and it tasted festive and unique. It poured a deep brown color, nearly completely opaque. It was moderately carbonated—not too bubbly and not too flat. 

It's 9% ABV, so definitely on the stiffer end of the beer spectrum. Overall, we both liked it. I guess Trader Joe's mixes things up from year to year as far as these vintage brews are concerned, but this one was good enough that I'd definitely check out next year's offering, as well, whatever it may be. 2020 was a very interesting year and I have a sinking feeling 2021 will be, too. So grab an interesting libation or "take a cup of kindness yet" and have a happy New Year!

3.5 stars from me. 4 from Sonia.

Bottom line: 7.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Nog Protein Beverage Smoothie

If you have high expectations of anything in life, be prepared to be let down. That goes for food, beverages, movies, tv shows, sports, jobs, friends, family, politicians, government, blog posts—in other words, just about anything.

On the other hand, if you go through life expecting very little, things will either turn out the way you thought they would, or you'll be pleasantly surprised. Sure, there are those who will tell you that you'll manifest a negative outcome if you envision a negative outcome from the beginning. So I've been getting good at the mental gymnastics involved with that whole "hope for the best but prepare for the worst" philosophy.

In short, I had very low expectations for this beverage. But I was hoping I was wrong.

And I was. It's actually surprisingly tasty in my opinion. It's very much akin to a "lite" or "reduced calorie" eggnog by my estimation, flavor-wise, but with a better spice mix and background flavors. It's much thinner than regular nog, by virtue of reduced fat milk and nonfat milk in the beverage. I was almost surprised to see they do use egg yolks in there, too. There are other noggy ingredients like vanilla and nutmeg, as well as typical protein shake ingredients like whey protein concentrate and soy protein isolate. Fortunately, I feel like the nog flavors outweigh the protein ones in this mixture.

The texture is remarkably smooth, with very little of the grit or chalkiness typically found in protein shakes. It's even smoother than the pumpkin spice version we saw a couple months ago. Speaking of the PS version, Sonia's immediate reaction to this smoothie was, "Whoa I like the pumpkin one way better!" We'll have to agree to disagree, my love. She thinks this one tastes too much like bubblegum. It does have that faint bubblegum-ish aftertaste that many eggnogs and eggnog derivatives bear.

While I'd never buy this eggnog solely for its flavor, I'd take it over any other reduced calorie or diet eggnog I've ever tried, and I have to say I like it better than Trader Joe's Almond Nog, though this one is most definitely not dairy-free or vegan. It's one of the most palatable protein shakes I've ever had, though I must throw out the disclaimer that I'm not a fan of them in general.

This gets three and a half stars from me. I'll happily finish the bottle since the wifey did me a solid and polished off the pumpkin one. Since it has a good amount of protein and significantly less fat than regular eggnog, Sonia will be nice and show her holiday spirit and give it three stars.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Pumpkin Spice Protein Smoothie

Growing up, my family had exactly two sit-down meals a year when my mother and father and I would eat together in the same room: Christmas Day and Easter Day. They were both uber-formal, awkward, starchy events that none of us really looked forward to. Thank goodness it was only twice a year. Even Thanksgiving was usually a buffet-style, eat-whatever-you-want, whenever-you-want type affair. Sonia ate with her parents a little more regularly than that, but often just winged it and grazed like I did.

We've both carried those habits into our adult lives and into our marriage, for good or ill, and we're constantly snacking here and there rather than setting a designated time to consume a large portion together in the same room at the same moment. We're at home far more often than usual recently, but in years past, while we traveled, and before that in the normal commuter workaday world, we were both frequent smoothie and protein shake consumers, since in many cases, these types of beverages make an excellent, filling meal-on-the-run or meal supplement.

Fiber-rich fruit smoothies were generally my personal preference, although a protein smoothie was occasionally more convenient. I just found protein smoothies to seldom have a taste and texture that appealed to me. This one's no different. The texture isn't particularly gritty in my opinion, but the flavor doesn't really lend itself to pumpkin spice. It's not sweet enough to be dessert-like, and there's too much whey protein and soy protein taste to really be palatable to me. It still tastes like "health food" that they're desperately trying to dress up as something fun and chuggable. If you ask me, it's simply not.

Sonia disagrees. She's probably more accustomed to the typical taste and texture of protein smoothies more than I am, and she definitely has a bit more affinity for pumpkin spice come fall time. I had about two or three sips up front and let the wifey drink the rest. It didn't take her long to polish it off. She thinks there's enough pumpkin spice flavor to keep it interesting. We both agree it's very filling and most of the ingredients are pretty decent.

Sonia also points out that there's not only pumpkin pie spices like cinnamon and nutmeg, but also a good amount of pumpkin puree. So I guess you're getting your veggies in addition to your protein.

There are two servings in the 16oz bottle for $2.99. Since the texture wasn't awful and the smoothie delivers 11g of hunger-curbing protein, I won't shaft it completely and throw out two and a half stars. Sonia gives it four stars and her seal of approval.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Campanology Coffee Peanut Butter Cup Porter

Forgive me, my bad. While not completely unprecedented on the blog, the topic of today's review is merely available widely at Trader Joe's while not being, precisely, a TJ's branded item. 

But then again, I don't really care. 

Because of my state's wondrous Quaker heritage which prohibits car sales on Sundays and alcohol at grocery stores without a cafe, the nearest TJ's with beer and wine is a two hour drive to the Cleveland 'burbs. Which I did with my lovely bride and pack of kiddos...only to get there and realize two things: no cookie butter beer in Ohio yet because the state hasn't "approved the label" (???) thus necessitating another drive at some undetermined point in the future unless one of y'all want to somehow ship me some, and that the new buzzworthy Coffee Peanut Butter Cup Porter, despite it's very TJ-y label, has TJ's nowhere on the label. I would have been able to figure out its sourcing from Campanology Brewing in Waunakee, WI, but whatever. I'm not gonna let details like that hold me back. 

Especially when, surprisingly to me, this is actually a pretty decent beer. 

Flavored coffees and beers usually aren't my thing. I like my coffee to taste like coffee, and my beer to taste like beer. So dessert stouts and porters are usually off the menu for me. That's my usual stance and frame of reference. 

The beer itself is smooth and aromatic while being poured out. I could definitely smell the coffee and peanut butter-y notes, not so much any chocolate ones. This had me thinking it'd have overpowering taste, too cloying, too sweet, too, well, flavored much beyond beer that I'd enjoy it...and I was wrong. Instead, it's a remarkably well balanced beer with not too much of anything. There's some appropriate notes of earthy coffee, a few hints of chocolate, a couple hits of more like roasted peanut than straight up peanut butter, all based with a little milkiness from some lactose and rooted into the dark porter. All together, it only really suggests itself as a coffee and candy beer, instead of straight up smacking that idea around like a blunt force. 

All that masks something pretty well: it's 9% ABV! That'd sneak up on ya for sure. 

Admittedly, the first few sips were more enjoyable than the rest, perhaps because of flavor build-up and perhaps because some slight warming of the beer opened up the flavors more. But it never got overwhelming. I could totally see drinking one of these on a cool Halloween night, out on my porch handing candy to all the little Tiger Kings and Carole Baskinses and Baby Sharks. I'm not quite degenerate enough to suggest it as a trick-or-treat road soda, as I think I've heard the beer referred to as, but hey, this year, I judge nobody. Do what you gotta do - and that's not the worst idea I've heard. 

At $3.99 for the large pint-plus 6oz bottle, the peanut butter beer is a good value and worth a try if you can find it. Was definitely worth the trek for us. Double fours. 

Bottom line: Campanology Coffee Peanut Butter Cup Porter: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons

 

Trader Joe's Dairy-Free Cold Brew Almond Macadamia Latte Coffee Beverage

Like most Americans, Sonia and I are hopelessly addicted to caffeine. She's a big coffee drinker and a connoisseur of all things derived from the brewed bean: mocha, latte, cappuccino, you name it. I'm more of an energy drink guy myself. Throughout my misspent youth, I'd drink sodas like Mountain Dew and Dr. Pepper for caffeine, and then switched over to energy drinks after the advent of Red Bull, Rockstar, and Monster.

At any rate, we both get headaches after just 24 hours without a heavy dose of the common stimulant. If coffee is the only source of caffeine around, I'll drink it. Once in a while I'll get desperate enough to drink regular cola again in the absence of other caffeinated beverages, despite a severe aversion to HFCS these days. This stuff, on the other hand? You'd have to twist my arm pretty hard to get me to take another sip of this drink, let alone a whole bottle.

Right after taking an initial sip, I had Sonia try it, desperately trying to mask my disgust so as to elicit an unbiased reaction from her. She reacted similarly. We decided to check the "best by" date just to be sure it hadn't turned. According to the little stamp on the side of the bottle, we had one day to spare. 

I mean, it's not like we don't enjoy nut milks. The combo of almond and macadamia sounded fairly alluring to both of us, especially to my better half. And you can taste a decent amount of nuttiness underneath an acrid coffee flavor, initially. But immediately after detecting the earthy vegan coffee blend in this beverage, there's a fairly intense bitterness that washes over your palate.

We get it. They were going for a healthy beverage without much in the way of sweetener. But this brew needs a little something. And by "a little something," I mean a LOT of something. It's full of protein and decidedly devoid of bad stuff, but neither of us could really get into the taste. Sonia was good enough to finish the bottle, and she noted that by the end, it wasn't quite as revolting as the first few swigs. I noped out after about a sip and a half. 

$2.99 for the bottle. Two stars from me. Two and a half from Sonia. Not a repeat purchase.

Bottom line: 4.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Non-Dairy Maple Oat Beverage

Ah yes, it's that time of year at last.

Warm summer afternoons fade into cool nights. There's small incremental tinges of oranges and reds and yellows in the leaves. The kids are finally back at school...kinda, but in our dining room...at least there's no mad morning rush to catch the bus this year...still, I digress. Crockpots are being taken out of storage, football is about to be back, and the Pittsburgh Pirates have a less than 1% chance of making the playoffs. All of these are sure signs that fall is peeking just around the corner.

I'm sure in the litany of this blog I've posted a lengthy tirade against pumpkin spice everything at some point. I lack the energy or desire to do so again. Plus there's too much other animosity out there these days. I've made my peace with pumpkin spice - if you enjoy your pumpkin spice lattes and enchiladas and TP and who knows what else, go for it, I won't be partaking so there's more for you.

And meanwhile I'll be focusing on maple. Yes, I know maple season is really late winter into spring when the sap is collected and boiled...but there's almost always more maple products this time of year. I guess it has something to do with it being a tree flavor.

New to the maple lineup this year is Trader Joe's Non-Dairy Maple Oat Beverage. granted, oat milk isn't the first thing I'd think to add a hint of maple too...but it's a good concept, right? Oatmeal by itself is kinda plain, but adding milk and maple syrup turns it into a verifiable treat. Now you can get some of the residual tasty treat without the big bowl of oatmeal first.

Or something like that. Indeed, that's really what the TJ's maple oat beverage tastes like - the milk left over in the bottom of the bowl of oatmeal with maple syrup and milk. Less chunky, of course, and that's a good thing. It's still creamy, however, like a decent "regular" milk but with a slight touch of graininess mixed in. It's neither distracting nor unpleasant, but occasionally noticeable.

The maple flavor itself is actually scarcely more than a small hint. I think that adds some versatility to the product - use as a regular drink, pour over a wide variety of cereals (not Pumpkin Spice O's though), add a splash to coffee instead of creamer and sugar. The maple beverage isn't an all out maplicious sugar bomb of a treat, but more of a subtle pleasure. Me personally? I'm not much of a milk person in any way, shape or form, so while I've tried it I'm not going to be guzzling down this beverage by any means. But it's still a legit treat. Gotta love anything maple.

My lovely bride is more gung-ho than I. She's been scheming different ways to use the milk, as well as already lamenting its eventual seasonal rotation out. Til then, she'll be using a lot in her coffee as she helps oversee a couple kids navigating elementary school on Zoom calls and iPads. You know, like the good ol' days. Or something. Her only maple oat drink-related wish would be for it to be a touch more maple-y, but she's in love as is. Four from her, and I'll tack on a few of my own.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Non-Dairy Maple Oat Beverage: 7.5 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Organic 100% Pomegranate Juice

Eating a pomegranate is such a unique experience. The Punica granatum's insides don't resemble any other common fruit. The husk part is bejeweled with dozens of tiny red seeds. Popping the little red morsels out with a spoon can be tedious, but the crunch and the unique sweet-tart berry-esque flavor make it so worth it.

I'm not even sure how you'd juice a pomegranate. The seeds are such a small portion of the entire fruit, and even those are mostly a starchy white material coated with something slick and juicy. They must just crush all the seeds and then strain out the starchy pulp..? That's just a guess. Considering how tiresome it is to eat pomegranate, it must be even more laborious to juice one.

Fortunately, we don't have to juice the fruit ourselves. All we have to do is drink it. But even that might not be easy for some.

Upon first opening the bottle, there was a whiff of something nearly beet-ish. I'm not a fan of plain beet juice, so it was a little off-putting. I poured a glass each for Sonia and me. 

The taste of the beverage is something more in the direction of cranberry, at least at first. It's sweet and sour—tart enough to make you pucker. Up front, the flavor seems pleasant enough to me, but just a moment later, the finish hits you with a wave of dry bitterness that's hard to describe and not particularly palatable to me or the wifey. It's a biting, caustic essence that can potentially mar any element of enjoyment that may have occurred just a second or two prior.

In my opinion, the astringent aftertaste doesn't completely ruin the experience. But if you ask Sonia, she'll say otherwise. She noped out after just a few sips.

I've managed to consume at least half the bottle on this hot August Sunday afternoon. Compared to other more prevalent fruit juices, it's not particularly refreshing or chuggable. Both Sonia and I find it significantly less drinkable than POM Wonderful. I'm thinking of it as a unique non-alcoholic red wine meant to be served chilled—a select strain from the vineyard that I just don't quite "get" yet. I keep drinking it thinking it'll grow on me. It wouldn't be the first beverage that was unappealing to me initially but slowly became a staple in my fridge over time.

As it stands now, I think I'll go with three stars. After all, it's organic and full of antioxidants. I'm choosing to see it as an adventure, and an experience—much like the eating of pomegranate seeds. Sonia gives it two stars, stating that the aftertaste just ruins it for her.

Bottom line: 5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Organic Cold Brew Black Tea Concentrate

July is such a long month. After the Fourth, it's pretty anticlimactic: no big holidays or festivities to look forward to. Sonia and I don't even have any birthdays among our immediate family or close friends. Also, it's the hottest month. It's like the summer version of January. Thirty-one days of extreme weather. Even before lockdowns and stay-at-home orders, it was a time for me to hide inside and enjoy the air conditioning.

Last year, we spent most of July in the Pacific Northwest, where the temps weren't so bad. Highs in the 70's through this part of the summer? Yes, please. But this year, it's not as easy to galavant across the country with reckless abandon, so inside in the AC is where we've spent most of the month. And any refreshing cold beverages that can help beat the heat are most welcome.

This isn't the first TJ's brand tea concentrate we've tried, but it's the first one with plain black tea. I think it's new. But then again, I think everything I see at Trader Joe's that I haven't noticed before is new, and in some cases, it's a product that's been there for a decade or more. So you tell me if it's new. I'll believe you either way.

This particular product comes in a single pint bottle that makes "up to one gallon of tea." So let's break this puppy open and add some sugar and lemon juice and see what we get...

First impressions: it's good. Just how good it tastes to your palate is going to largely depend upon how you prepare it. How much water did you use? How much sugar or agave syrup did you add? Did you add lemon juice?

In light of that, I'm pretty sure that anyone who likes iced tea is going to find a way to tailor this stuff to their own personal tastes. I once had a conversation with a Southerner who, as many Southerners are, was a sweet tea aficionado. In my Yankee ignorance, I posed the question: "Couldn't you just, you know, like add your own sugar to unsweetened tea?" 

His response: "Or I could just stab your mother."

I think he was joking, mostly. But the takeaway was that you can not simply add sugar to iced tea in order to make true Southern style sweet tea. So you Southern folks might not be super enthused about this product. Me? I guess ignorance is bliss, because I like it quite a bit. I made mine on the strong side and added a good amount of sugar and lemon.

Sonia likes it, too. She used agave and didn't make hers quite as sweet or as strong. I really think that's the biggest strength of this tea: its versatility. It's about $5 for the little bottle, but as it states on the traderjoes website, you're getting organic cold brew tea for about 31 cents per cup. That's darn cheap. I think we're looking at four stars a piece here.

Bottom line: 8 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Roasted Barley Tea

"Cheerios water."

For better, or for worse, or for whatever reason, those were the first words out of my mouth after my first sip of a new icy cool Trader Joe's Roasted Barley Tea.

"Ch...Cheerios water? What the heck are ya talking about, and how would you know what Cheerios water would taste like? You tryin' that out on you own time or sometime?"

"Heck no. But like...if I had a bowl of Cherrios, but instead of milk poured water over it, ate the Cheerios, then drank the water, I think this would taste like that."

"Okay, weirdo. It's..." pauses for another sip "...more like coffee. Like a really weak coffee, like what I'd imagine emergency ration coffee would be like, all watered down and everything...which I hope we won't find out what that'll be like..."

"Thanks for the stark assessment, love."

Well, there ya have it. There's a little slice of life between my lovely bride and I the other night, after making a quick stop at TJ's after a long hot day capped off with a family bike ride to try and save some of our collective sanity. Left us parched, and I figured no better time to give a new beverage a try.

For a first time tryer of boricha (the actual Korean name for this type of drink, though I make no claim to this TJ's version's authenticity), it's so simple a drink, yet one that leaves me intrigued. I mean, literally, it tastes like nothing but grain, kinda, and water. There's no sugar, no other flavors or spices or anything to "liven" it up. It's barley...and water. Part of me wants to be all wiseguy 'merican and say to add malt and hops and then we might really be on to something, but that's not what we have here.

It's light but not overtly crisp and I waver on calling it refreshing or not. I'm sure some folks could consider it that, but I'm not quite on board. It's not awful, by any stretch, and I definitely enjoyed it the more I drank it, but I didn't finish the bottle entirely overjoyed, either. Yet I wish to try it again, and for $1.19 a bottle it's a low priced gamble.

I just noticed on the bottle it said it the barley tea can be served hot or cold. If it ever cools down, I'll definitely have try a heated up version - honestly I think I'd enjoy it more that way, but not when it's in the mid 90s and I have no AC, thank you very much.

Not overly in love, but I'll try it again for sure. That warrants a three in my book, subject to change with further experience. Despite our exclusive to ourselves oddities, my wife shares in this assessment with a three of her own.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Roasted Barley Tea: 6 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Sparkling Black Tea with Peach Juice Beverage

There's some pretty ridiculous things to read out there these days. Most comment sections of anything, depending on your definition of ridiculous - it's not always haha funny but often times facepalm inducing. Except here, of course. And there's things like the Birds Aren't Real conspiracy theories - the whole quarantine thing going on is to change their batteries - or Letterkenny scripts so you can read what you mighta missed...and on, and on, and on, with all the time we got on our hands these days.

And there's some little, smaller, more subtle gems like Trader Joe's Sparkling Black tea with Peach Juice Beverage.

It's tea...with juice...that's a beverage.

I mean, how many redundant synonyms must we go through to get the idea that this is in fact a drink?

One could argue that the terms black tea and peach juice are more adjective than noun
. but just calling it "Sparkling Black Tea with Peach Juice" is perfectly adequate without tacking on beverage. Heck, you could likely squeeze out the juice too.

There's another little gem on the package as well: "Once can is opened, keep refrigerated and consume within 1 day." C'mon now. these are packaged inside those teeny tiny little cans, the ones that seem so trendy these days. It's not all that difficult to drain all contents in one go if one were to feel inclined. The only scenario I can envision not finishing a can of this size is sheer forgetfulness or neglect, in which case it will likely not end up in the fridge anyways...which is how everyone else in my house aside from me seems to operate.

Anyways, all that aside, I love this new addition to the TJ's summertime lineup. If peach tea is your thing, you'll love it. It's fun to drink - I thought, going in, that fizzy tea might be a bit odd, but nah, it works. All those happy little bubbles floating their way on down adds a great little touch. For flavor, the classic black tea taste is complemented nicely and crisply with the peach, and from the looks of things, real peach too, none of that from concentrate stuff. It's light and sweet but never sticky or overbearing or has the feel of being fancy-shmancy sugar water. Nope. it's just good honest liquid refreshment for this horrid summer months.

A four-pack will set ya back about $3, or maybe it's $4. Once again, I lost the receipt. How many times have you read that on this blog? Ridiculous. I'm a sucker for home brewed sweet tea, so i'm not gonna say this is my new summer drink of choice (especially because I have my doubts of how well it'd mix with anything boozy) but it'll be a repeat buy for sure. Double fours.

Bottom line:  Trader Joe's Sparkling Black Tea with Peach Juice Beverage: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons.

Trader Joe's Hibiscus Lemongrass Sparkling Beverage

Both Sonia and I have "black thumbs." We've attempted growing plants throughout the years both inside and outside, large plants and small, flowers and vegetables, succulents and cacti, and each and every time, we manage to kill them in short order.

We actually had some lemongrass when we lived in New Jersey to help mitigate the out-of-control mosquito population in our backyard. We'd read that it's best to dig up the lemongrass by the root and put them in planters and bring them inside for the winter, although alternatively, you could trim them back and put some kind of covering over them to protect them from frost. They actually do the same thing with palm trees at the shore. Not that there are many reasons to go there in the offseason, but if you ever find yourself in Wildwood in the winter, you'll see random skinny tropical trees with big plastic bags on the tops lining the vacant beaches and empty boardwalks.

Anyway, since we lacked the space to house multiple large lemongrass plants inside, we opted for the method where you leave them outside. The bags we put on them blew away and they were thoroughly exposed to frost for months on end and they never came back in the spring. Byebye, lemongrass.

But while we had the plants, they did seem to keep the mosquitoes at bay to a certain extent, and they provided a lovely citrusy fragrance that would waft through the yard on summer evenings. When I'd clip the lemongrass with the weed whacker inadvertently while doing yard work, the lemony smell was even more pleasant and powerful. 

I often wondered if I could grab a handful of their long skinny leaves and grind them into a pulp and use them as a seasoning for food or flavoring for a beverage. That's almost the notion I get from this interesting sparkling drink from TJ's—that some dude just wandered into his backyard and snagged some leaves and flowers and stuck it in his Soda Stream water and made a unique homemade thirst-quencher.

It tastes very non-commercial, if that makes sense. It's barely sweet at all and tastes quite planty. There's just a hint of that lemony lemongrass essence and a whole lot of hibiscus flavor. I mean, I guess that's misleading to say it has "a whole lot" of any flavor. The taste is quite mellow. It just errs on the side of flowery rather than lemony or grassy.

I wonder if I couldn't achieve something similar by just grabbing some dandelions and ivy from the local park and mixing them with fizzy water. All in all, it's unusual and refreshing, but the flavor isn't something that I'd seek out in the future. Sonia enjoys the taste much more than I do, but then she generally likes hibiscus, and I generally don't.

$4.99 for four 12oz cans. It makes an interesting adult beverage when mixed with gin, so I'll be kind and give it two and a half stars. Sonia will go with four this time.

Bottom line: 6.5 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Fresh Squeezed Lemonade

Neither Sonia nor I can recall ever having truly homemade lemonade in our lives, which probably puts us among the least-qualified Americans to review this product. But heck, it's almost summer—the solstice is this weekend, in fact—and lemonade is very much a staple of these warmer months, so we'll take a look at it anyway.

I grew up with store-bought lemonades of various brands, most notably Minute Maid and Turkey Hill. I'm not sure why, but I don't think I had even heard of limeade until my teens. My head exploded when I first realized people did to limes what I had previously thought only done to lemons, and since that moment, I've been a limeade devotee.

Maybe it's a Latin-American thing, or possibly a west coast thing, but Sonia grew up with limeade as the staple citrus fruit-based beverage available in her childhood refrigerator. She's always preferred it to lemonade. So again, considering our bias towards limes over lemons and commercially-manufactured juices over the kind mama made, maybe we shouldn't be reviewing this fresh squeezed lemonade product...but here goes just the same.

We've seen numerous iterations of lemonade from Trader Joe's throughout the years, although most have been combined with other elements like tea or other juices. So what makes this one different?

First, it's unpasteurized. They keep all those tasty bacteria in this version—for extra flavor, I guess? Maybe the acidity of the lemon juice keeps the little buggers at bay without necessitating any heat via pasteurization. I'm sure someone will enlighten us via our illustrious comments section.

Second, there are only three ingredients. Three. Water, lemon juice, sugar. That's my favorite thing about this product. It's simple. In these days of complexity, it's nice to see something so clean and straightforward.

Mind you, if I had been the one formulating this product, I might have reversed those last two ingredients. I might have put sugar ahead of lemon juice and made this beverage predominantly sweet, rather than tart. I'm not saying it's not sweet. I'm just saying it leans in the direction of sour more than sugary. Sonia agrees. It's still refreshing. It's still got what I would assume is a "homemade quality" about it.

We both liked it just fine, but we would like to see a Trader Joe's Fresh Squeezed Limeade on the shelves next time with the exact same ingredients used here, except with "lime juice" replacing "lemon juice." Limes are sweeter than lemons, so that might knock the tartness down a notch. Also, tequila works okay with lemonade, but it's absolutely perfect with lime-based beverages. Am I right?

If you love the tartness of real lemon juice, you'll likely love this remarkably uncomplicated beverage. $3.49 for the 1.6 quart bottle. This product gets three and a half stars a piece from Sonia and me.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Coconut & Almond Creamer

Ahh, coffee. So good, right? And who knew how wrong I've been making it for years?

It's simple, actually. We just bought a kitchen scale for use for baking and fermenting, but my lovely bride Sandy just realized we should be using it to make coffee, too, for our French press. Something about 1 gram of coffee for every 15 grams of water or something....for someone one so math adverse as her, I'm surprised she took it on. But dang! Awesome coffee every time she's made it that way. Smooth, mild, highly drinkable, enough kick. Coffeehouse quality, as simple as that, for a fraction of the cost.

Of course, I haven't embraced or learned this new to us method quite yet, so when I had to make some brew to get us going yesterday, I reverted to the old ways. Grind some beans, dump in an approximate amount, pour water til it looked about right. Result? Comparatively speaking, it was barely drinkable. Looks like I'm going have to do some coffee break science from now on.

About the only thing that made my coffee drinkable was Trader Joe's Coconut & Almond Creamer. Or so says Sandy, I choked down my coffee as is, but when she's gone for creamy coffee recently this has been her choice.

Obviously, it's dairy free. So that's an okay start...we both can handle lactose just fine but prefer to save as much as we can for cheese. Coconut creamer can tend to be a little too heavy, while almond creamer never really seems to make coffee quite creamy enough by itself, so a good blend of the two seems to make the right kind of sense to approximate "regular" creamer the closest.

Not too much coconut or almond flavor comes through - a little, sure, but it's not gonna taste like a flavored latte. The small hint of vanilla helps smooth all that over as well.

 Anyways if you're looking for a decent dairy-free alternative to the usual half and half, giving this one a try wouldn't be a bad idea. I have a feeling we'll be restocking on an as-needed basis, until I can convince Sandy to go all black coffee like I do. I don't have much of say here, so like our old way of making coffee, I'm gonna approximate and hope for the best when I say a seven overall. I forgot to take a pic of the nutritional info so check it out here.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Coconut & Almond Creamer: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Josephsbrau Drive Thru Red

One of these years, when the state of the world, the status of the ol' bank account, and the mindset of my family all magically coincide, I want to go out to the West Coast for a long trip up and thru the redwoods of Northern California. I've been to SoCal, and Disney Land and Joshua Tree National Park and San Diego, which were all pretty fun but no further north than Anaheim.  It just looks awe-inspiring, and with enough wineries around, I'm sure my lovely bride would be happy enough as well.

Such a trip is definitely not on the table this year, but what we can do is a day trip from the 'burgh over to Ohio, stop at a state park attraction or two, and meander over towards the Cleveland area Trader Joe's and load up on all the beverages that good ol' PA won't allow them to sell. It's family fun combined with a business trip, so that's what we did, and one of the many sixpacks I came home with was Josephbrau Drive Thru Red, and it just so happened to be the first I dug into.

The name "Drive Thru Red" is thankfully not an endorsement of drinking while operating motor vehicle but rather is inspired by literally driving thru the famous Chandelier tree. A quick Google image search reveals where TJ's got the inspiration for the package artwork. Heck yeah, if I were ever in the area, I'd totally go do that.

But for now, while stuck in La Backyarda or El Porcho for the most part, I wouldn't mind having a few more of these dry hopped red ales on hand. For a beer that runs at 7.2% ABV it's remarkably smooth and goes down easily. As with most dry hopped beers, there's not too much bitterness hitting from the hops, but rather a balance from the inherent maltiness of the ale. The colder the beer is, the better it tastes to my palate, which isn't always the case with beer. Even my usually hops-avoidant wife didn't mind the overall taste and feel of the beer. I personally prefer the bitterness and think this could be the makings of a terrific IPA, which is my only knock, and it's a pretty light one at that.

And it's cheap! Well, comparatively. I'm pretty sure it's a buck per bottle. That's much less than anything at the local bar and on par if not even less than Yuengling, the Pennsylvania standard lager. If not for being over a two hour drive away for the closest alcohol friendly TJ's, this beer would be an absolute summer staple at my house.

Good solid beer, for sure. Drive Thru Red reminds me there are things to look forward to, while offering a little something for now. Double fours.

Bottom line: Josephbrau Drive thru Red: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's 100% Ginger Drink Mix

You are what you eat...and apparently now I can officially be what I drink!

Yup, through and through, I'm 100% a ginger. Both my parents had red heair - my mom's kinda blonded out a bit, and my dad's kinda retreated and browned - but both had vibrant red hair not too too many years ago. All my siblings have red hair, too, and some of us have our own little red heads too. But red hair, pale freckled skin, propensity to sunburn after 10 minutes, even at midnight? Yup, that's me.

Ginger, as a flavor and ingedient, is definitely an acquired taste. I've come to embrace its warmth and spicy sharpness, especially in beverage form. The best kombuchas has ginger in them, for my palate.That being said, it's one of those things that can come to be "a bit much" fairly quickly and easily, so I knew that Trader Joe's 100% Ginger Drink Mix was going to be an interesting try.

The ingredient lsit here is pretty simple: it's just ginger. I'm unsure of the proper term, but it's a dried up, light, powdery mix inside the single serving packets. Really, the first thing that came to mind was a fine sawdust. There's no sugar or added anything to make big ol' granules of anything.

And you know what? The ginger powder doesn't smell like anything either. Not that I can tell, or nor can my lovely bride, who's olfacotry senses are much more keen than mine. This led to believe that somehow this might be a very mild mix - smell is such a large part of taste, after all.

Well, I was wrong.

Being that it's been a little chilly and dreary in the 'burgh, and I was heading back towards my chillier and drearier basement for work, i opted for the hot beverage option. The ginger drink mix dissolved nealry instantly will just a customary stir or two in the near-boiling recommended 12 ounces of water I poured into my mug.

First few sips were mild, warm, a bit spicy..and then it just got more and more and more, well super gingery. I had to cough once or twice in reaction. I mean, it was all pretty enjoyable...but I sure was glad to pour in a little more hot water to warm up my cup and dilute it down a little more.

Good flavor though, through and through. Served hot, the ginger drink probably could use a little twist of lemon just to make the flavor profile not as "one note" as straight up ginger. There's all sorts of potential here - could be served cold on a warmer day and still be pretty pleasant. I'm not sure if there's potential to use this in a DIY fermented beverage as a super easy way to add some ginger, but at the very least it could be an excellent mix in for other drinks. Sandy keeps mentioning how she wants to use this to mimic "that Starbucks drink" that I can only vaguely recall having one sip of nearly a month ago - something with pineapple and turmeric and ginger or something. Don't know, really, but sounds good.

Somehow I'm the only one who's tried it thus far here. Sandy's been more into tea for an afternoon warm beverage, which I'm not a huge fan of, but I'm sure we will get around to trying out the drink mix in a variety of ways. Got any good suggestions? Share away. I like it enough to give it a seven overall.

Bottom line: Trader Joe's 100% Ginger Drink Mix: 7 out of 10 Golden Spoons

Trader Joe's Organic Sparkling Yerba Mate Beverage

Yerba mate. Ginkgo biloba. Myocardial infarction. Antidisestablishmentarianism.

There are some words and phrases I don't get to say on a daily basis, but I wish I did. Dispensational premillennialism, for example.

I guess I should have been a theologian, herbalist, or doctor if I really wanted to say those words. 

Wait. Does anyone really get to say "antidisestablishmentarianism" on a regular basis? Pretty sure they just made up that word for the purposes of fun facts and spelling bees. Anyway, I wish I had occasion to say it more often. 

On the other hand, meh. The grass is always greener, methinks. I should just be grateful I get to say "yerba mate" a few times on this glorious day...another day of social distancing and elbow bumps instead of handshakes. A day full of other wonderful phrases like "shelter in place," "toilet paper hoarders," "hydroxychloroquine," and "cytokine storm" --things I never imagined I'd come to say on the regular. Yet here we are. It's a brave new world of weird new phrases.

Can't say I know much about yerba mate. I've had a yerba mate hot tea or two, thanks to the lovely Sonia, a veritable tea aficionado. It has an earthy and faintly bitter tea-ish flavor. I guess it has antioxidants or something like that, too. Sounds good. I like antioxidants. I'm quite certain it's a placebo effect, but I always feel better when I eat and drink stuff that's rich in antioxidants.

This tea is no exception. Maybe it's the caffeine, but it's invigorating somehow. It's super refreshing and the flavor is light, flowery, and faintly citrusy. It's a very interesting flavor, especially considering there's no sugar and zero calories. The carbonation is a nice touch. It's bubbly, but not overly so. And I love me some carbonation. It makes everything that much fancier. Take water, for example. It comes out of your tap, basically for free. Add carbonation, some weak flavoring, and stick it in a can? Suddenly you can sell an 8 pack for $3.38 at the local Walmart.

I think carbonated iced teas are the future. I hope to see more drinks like Trader Joe's Organic Sparkling Yerba Mate Beverage. $1.49 per bottle. I give it four stars. I was quite certain Sonia would like it even more than I did, but she wasn't blown away by the taste. She expressed a desire for a stronger flavor—more hibiscus in particular. Three stars from her.

Bottom line: 7 out of 10.

Trader Joe's Organic Cold Pressed Orange Juice

Lots of things seem backwards and out of order these days. You don't need me telling you that.

But man...if I can't even make sense out of a product name, that's when I know I'm in trouble.

See this: Is this Trader Joe's Organic Cold Pressed Orange Juice? That's a logical name to me. But that's not what the label says. It says: Trader Joe's Organic Orange Juice Cold Pressed from top to bottom. If a little punctuation were tossed in, say, to make it Organic Orange Juice - Cold Pressed or even Organic Orange Juice, Cold Pressed, those make sense to me too. But not as it is. And since my teachers always urged me to think outside the box, I'm not relying on the green background rhombi for too much clarity, and instead will name this product based solely on what makes most sense to me.

Call it focusing on what I can control. It's what I (we?) all need right now, even in small instances.

Whatever this OJ is actually called, it's good! Cold pressed juices always seem to get the very best out of its ingredients. I don't profess to know the magic behind it, but man, love the results, time and time again.

TJ's cold pressed OJ, new out, is no exception. It's of medium consistency, with some pulp but not too much. Most folks would find it accessible in that regard, I think. And it's nothing but oranges either - no added sugar or water or anything, so results may vary bottle to bottle. But it tastes like pure, unadulterated orange - tangy, ripe, sweet but not too much of any of those - in a bright, citrusy fashion Tasty enough to savor despite my inner compulsion to chug.

The price is a little debatable, or could be to some. Cold pressed juices tend to be pricier, and at $1.99 for a small single serving bottle, you can make out of that as you will. It strikes me as fair enough, but not a price that I'd willingly stock up on for every day use.

And of course, it's got all the vitamins and minerals and goodie-goodies. Loads of Vitamin C - it's nearly twice the daily recommended in just one bottle. And that even in "normal" times isn't a bad thing. Scurvy anyone? No thanks.

But I enjoyed my bottle full, and kinda hoping that the extra one I bought theoretically for my lovely bride will be ignored over the next couple days to the point where I wouldn't feel guilty partaking of it. That's not under my control, naturally, but then again, what really is when it comes down to it?

Bottom line: Trader Joe's Organic Cold Pressed Orange Juice: 8 out of 10 Golden Spoons.